Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My wife has said she does not love me any more!

(18 Posts)
Mikemike Sun 16-Apr-17 18:55:40

I have been with my wife for 11 years, been married for 10 years and have a child (boy) who is 10 years old.

For the first 7 years of our relationship my wife was a stay at home mum. Basically her friends where mine, she did not have a massive social network. We also was not flush with money so we did not go out much.

About 4 years ago she was asking if I would like to have another child, I said yes, but I don't think we can afford to at the moment, but once we get financially secure lets do it. I got made redundant about 3 years ago and luckily she got a job just after I was redundant (quite a good one). She now has a social network (which I am very happy about, I don't mind her staying at her mates house after a piss up etc). Basically the rolls have been reversed, I look after the boy and do some freelancing form home when I can.

About 2 years ago my wife was having issues with her womb. But during that time she was really cold to me, she did not like me touching her at all (I know sex was out of the question due to the pain).

She had an op last week and all went well and it would not affect her from having kids, I was relieved (I told her this). I said to her lets try for a kid once you are better (as this health issue was a near miss for us), she was not too happy that I asked that!

Also during those 2 years we would have some big arguments with most of them her starting (I put this down at being frustrated with her health).

I knew something was not right between us after months of me asking what is wrong and we need to have a chat etc. Yesterday she finally told me that she does not love me any more, and we are not right for each other! We are more like brother and sister, and she will never love me again.

She said I do not need to move out as we both do not have anywhere to go, I can still sleep in our bed. And, she would not mind (or get jealous) if I got a new partner. Basically she said that she will never love me again and nothing I would do will change here mind.

She has said there is no one else involved, and she want to concentrate on her career.

We had a family day out today we still chat as if nothing has changed. I can make her roll up laughing with my banter, I can see she enjoys my company (but will not properly look me in the eye).

Obviously I am devastated, I still love her and want to be with her for the rest of my life.

I know, me not giving her a child has played a big part in this. I am just lost, I don't know what to do? I want to make it right, I know I have been an idiot and naive about the relationship.

What should I do win her back?

isitjustme2017 Sun 16-Apr-17 20:17:56

Sorry OP I didn't want to read and run. I don't understand why you think not giving her a child is her fault when she had issues with her womb?

From what you've said I think she's being really unfair on you. She doesn't love you but is happy to just 'carry on as normal' which means stringing you along. That might work if you both felt the same way, but you clearly still love her.

Why on earth would she still want to share a bed with you etc if she has no feelings for you? She wants her cake and eat it. She wants the security of the family life etc without committing to a proper relationship.

From what you've said, you have been really supportive and patient with her during her bad health etc so it doesn't sound like this is your fault.

Not sure I have any helpful advice for you as she has said she won't change her mind. I'm really not sure carrying on living together is a good idea and not fair on you at all.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP sad

isitjustme2017 Sun 16-Apr-17 20:18:34

Sorry, first sentence should read 'is your fault' not 'is her fault'

HappyJanuary Sun 16-Apr-17 20:25:39

My first thought after reading that she doesn't mind you having other relationships is that she is already in another relationship.

Continuing to live and sleep together will be death by a thousand swords. You need to make plans to separate properly. If you want her to change her mind then your best bet is to act with resolve and show her what separation really means.

noego Sun 16-Apr-17 20:40:23

You have become a manny. That is how she is treating the situation. She has checked out of the marriage. If she keeps you sweet she can concentrate on her career. If she doesn't keep you sweet then that is in jeopardy. When you see through this your thoughts will turn to separation. You are being manipulated.

BillSykesDog Sun 16-Apr-17 20:42:29

Yep. My first thought is that she's having an affair too.

Whathappensnowthen Sun 16-Apr-17 20:42:29

Sometimes (and this may sound old fashioned) women can lose respect for a man once he is no longer the bread winner. Yes I know that sounds very out-dated, but I admit it actually happened to me in my first marriage. We'd had a few minor issues along the way, but basically, as I studied and passed exams and got payrises, my husband took lower and lower paid work. He didn't seem bothered and luckily my salary kept us afloat, but it was a complete reversal from when we first got together. I'm afraid I just didn't see him in the same way again. I think, with hindsight, he also lost a bit of self-esteem and I think that affected his general demeanour. Yes I know I should have been more supportive, I can't really explain it, I just didn't find the 'new' him attractive any more. And I used the same terminology - I felt we were more like brother and sister.

Mikemike Sun 16-Apr-17 21:17:17

Thanks for the messages everyone.....

At the moment, I don't want to except its over, I think it worth fighting for.

But, I must admit, I do think she is having an affair with her boss. They have been really good friends when she first started there, and she was up front that with that (I was cool as I have good female friends). But for the last year or so she has not uttered a word about him and she gets a bit cagy when I ask about him etc.

wherearemymarbles Sun 16-Apr-17 21:39:53

If she says she will never love you again I'd believe her. Gut feelings are often right in these cases re affair. I suspect your marriage is over and I doubt you've necessarily done anything wrong

SandyY2K Sun 16-Apr-17 22:48:59

How can you think it's worth fighting for with this

We are more like brother and sister, and she will never love me again

Basically she said that she will never love me again and nothing I would do will change here mind.

It's over. Hard though it is, you need to accept that. She has no love for you and probably no respect for you either... And she's more than likely having an affair. She can't bear the thought of having another child with you, because her heart is elsewhere.

I suggest you see a solicitor and see how things would be in the event of a divorce.

Don't keep on living together like this. Very soon, she'll be getting ready to go out on dates right in front of you.

Your marriage is over.

1DAD2KIDS Sun 16-Apr-17 23:35:48

I hope my experiance is some help. My ex wife started of the same saying she didn't love me any more (out of the blue). I loved her, We had only just had our second child and I was deverstated but desperate to fix things. She kept stringing me along and sending mixed messages. She would say stuff like we will try again in the new year. Mainly now I think to keep me sweet so she could still have a home to come home to and the freedom and resorsuses to do what she likes (I was the main bread winner). Anyway I always trusted her 100%. What is the point of a relationship if there is no freedom? But suddenly my gut started talking (this time I listened). I started digging and found she was having an affair with her step cousin. Turns out they had history before we met. With all the lies and the way she twisted things and strung me along I realised how manipulative she could be. But I love her so I tried to offer her a way back. But as I found out (from her text messages) she had totally fallen for him. Talk of spending her life with him and wanting to have his children. It turned out all that talk of trying again was a sick mind game to keep me sweet and let her have the best of both worlds. She left me and the kids and moved in with him 100 miles away.

So as things pan out he was a total dick to her. Basically spent all her money and treated her as a scivy/sex giver. They are no longer together. She is alone, broke and depressed. I feel sorry for her because it never had to be that way. 2 years on we are devorced but get on fine. Me and the kids are doing great and being a single parent is not the end of the world. I have been though the darkest point in my life but come out stronger than ever and I know my self better than ever. This is not the situation I wanted or chose but the actions of others are out of our control (and so they should be). Oldly enough she has hinted a desire to come home be family again and that she has feeling for me. 2 years ago I would have jumped with joy and welcomed her with open arms. Not now, this is not her home, it's mine and the kids (plus I bought this house a few months after we split). I deseve so much better than her and have seen that this is possible, there are some really good women out there. I am a fixer by nature but this is something that can never be repaired. I do not love her any more (very hard the first time i said that, felt so guilty). What angers me is the way her selfish actions have hurt our kids so much.

What ever happen you'll realise that in the morning the sun will always rise, it's not the end of the world. Take care and start listening to your gut.

arsenaltilidie Mon 17-Apr-17 07:12:22

As you are the children's main career she needs to move out of the house.
Find out what benefits you are entitled to as a single parent.

She's sleeping with her boss, it's over I'm afraid.

She has lost respect for you and the worst thing you can do to save your marriage is to beg her/behave like a doormat.
The very least thing you can do to save your marriage is to tell her to move out and that you need space. She might gain some respect but at least she will then have to suffer the consequences of her actions/affair.

noego Mon 17-Apr-17 07:42:38

Here here 1DAD. Totally understand. Been there, done that, bought the T shirt.
Life is so much better on the other side. And you are so right. The sun does shine everyday.
The world is full of beautiful women smile

Mikemike Mon 17-Apr-17 08:19:12

Yeah I think you guys are right. We had another frank discussion about everything last night. She is adamant that no one else is involved?

She says she is not even interested in sex and not sure why, but it could be do with her health issues.

She was surprised that I still loved her and she thought I would be happy that I had a way out also.

But I need to get myself sorted before I move out, I need to get a full time job so I can support myself properly. I think it's a day of updating my CV.

Onwards and upwards.

noego Mon 17-Apr-17 08:38:28

Just out of curiosity. Why are you moving out? Why are you looking for a job? I thought you was a SAHD. So she has to maintain the status quo if she is the breadwinner. I'd see a lawyer pronto if I was you.
It seems that you are being manipulated. She seems to be getting her own way all of the time and you are dancing to her tune.
If she wants the single life and career and then fuck off and have it. Look after yourself and your DS. This is your priority "now" and will be in the future.

Peanutbuttercheese Mon 17-Apr-17 11:36:05

You are being a total doormat, I guarantee this woman is up to all sorts behind your back. Stay in the house, by all means updates your CV. This sounds like at least 50:50 care in a divorce but your main carer aren't you.

Go and see a soliciter asap.

I had a very rough patch with DH and saw one for free for 30 mins end of last year. Quick divorce is only on grounds of adultery or unreasonable behaviour. Otherwise it's two years separation with agreement or five years if one party doesn't agree or disappears off.

SomeonesRealName Mon 17-Apr-17 17:00:06

I agree it sounds like she is having an affair and would encourage you to seek legal advice with regard to custody and finances. Have a look on, which is a forum for people who have experienced being cheated on. I found it very helpful when I discovered my XH had been having an affair. It's a horrible thing to go through if it is the case you have my sympathy x

Mikemike Mon 17-Apr-17 17:45:20

Thanks everyone, you have all opened my eyes. I am going to see a lawyer this week.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: