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Advice needed

(5 Posts)
motheroftwojedi Sun 16-Apr-17 12:09:40

My husband and I have been married 10 years. We have 2 Children. I have posted about him on here before and the general consensus was that he is a man-child (which he is).

I have been miserable in our marriage since 2nd son was born. I take my marriage vows very seriously and come from a very religious background where divorce is frowned upon so I have been doing my utmost to try to improve things and to some extent things have been a lot better. We have done CAP money course, been on a parenting course and I was beginning to feel like some of the responsibilities were being shared. However the underlying issues (selfishness of husband and lack of responsibility he takes for anything other than things which he views as important- namely himself and his hobbies) still niggle me so little things generate a huge reaction from me because of all the stuff going on in my head and because when we disagree over something somehow things become my fault and my thoughts are twisted to the point I can't even understand what is being said to me and I feel I am going mad.

My parents and 1 close friend think it's emotional abuse. I don't know. I keep a diary and 17% of my entries mention his unreasonable behaviour which means virtually a day week is taken up with me feeling shit.

Our sexlife is virtually non-existent which is partly my fault as I just can't be bothered.

However as I am keen to try to improve our relationship and was feeling emotionally in a place where I was happy to open up in this area of our relationship, I broached the topic of sex yesterday and contraception. For various reasons in the past we have had issues with hormonal contraceptives and condoms so I gently raised whether a vasectomy would be something to consider. Consider being the operative word there. Well he hit the roof and said I was so controlling trying to tell him what to do with his body etc etc. Despite the fact that in order to have his children I had to put my body through hell, was hospitalised in both pregnancies, developed 2 chronic conditions and had to have a cholecystectomy since being pregnant. He said I should be sterilised if I feel that strongly about it (I don't- I just wanted to have the conversation since that's what adults do) and I would be but the procedure for men is far simpler than for woman.

If we split my life would be so much easier but I also still love him. He's still the one I want to tell stuff to and that I want to share my dreams with (even though I know he has no interest in pursuing the same things as me)

I don't know what to do. He won't speak to me now. He has taken the boys to his parents for Easter lunch without me (first time in years)

Any advice gratefully received.

jbee1979 Sun 16-Apr-17 21:19:51

You'd be able to let him go with a clear conscience, it sounds to me like you're the only one putting the effort in. If he won't even have a conversation with you about hypothetical contraception, which is his responsibility too, he's not helping the situation.

Re: taking the kids and leaving you today, I'd say that's punishment and he's trying to correct your behaviour, which is controlling and abusive.

It sounds like neither of you are happy, and it's interesting how you started with "i don't want to divorce for religious/family reasons" and ended with " i still love him" etc - that wasn't your first "thought"...

ImperialBlether Sun 16-Apr-17 21:24:40

I think you would both be much happier if you separated. He sounds really horrible, actually, and though I know you mean well when you say you took your vows seriously, surely you didn't mean that you would become a martyr?

ThreeFish Sun 16-Apr-17 21:25:46

Sounds like your parents would support a split.
Who would frown on a divorce? Your church?

You are doing all the work to fix it OP, but if he won't entertain change and just thinks you need putting back in your place, then you're banging your head off the wall. It isn't fixable.

Taking the kids to his parents is his idea of a punishment for you. What will he have told his parents why you're not there? Are you on good terms with your MIL?

SandyY2K Mon 17-Apr-17 00:05:55

So just because of that conversation, he took your children to his parents and left you home alone?

Does he do stuff like that other times, when he doesn't like what you say?

He sounds awful to be honest.

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