Can't decide whether to leave

[3boys3dogshelp]

Sorry it's long.
DH and I have been together 16 yrs, married 10, 3 kids. Things haven't been great for a very long time. For years I have brushed our problems to one side as us being overtired and overstretched but as the kids get a bit older things seem to be getting worse not better.
I suspect all 3 of our children are on the spectrum to varying degrees (one diagnosed) Ds2 clashes with both brothers a lot. So having kids has been pretty stressful for us. Esp since ds3. They are lovely but very full on and I have noticed that a lot of our friends and even extended family have drifted away. We have very few true friends left if I'm honest with myself.
Our last 2 holidays have been fairly awful. Kids enjoyed most of it but DH and I barely speaking once they were in bed. We have just been off and planned to stay home and do days out to try to take the pressure off ourselves. I stupidly looked forward to it but It's been utterly crap. I can't agree with him on anything. He is really messy and careless with stuff. He makes no effort to plan or book anything, I suggested this week that he arrange something for X day as I had done everything else, he suggested two things that ds3 wasn't old enough for and stripped off to bed when I pointed that out.The next day at 1.30pm I gave up and arranged something myself because the kids were climbing the walls. he came along to.
When he is with us he's short tempered and grumpy with me and the kids and even the bloody dogs and I'm fed up of it. Tonight we went out for dinner. The restaurant was louder than expected and ds3 struggled with the noise a bit, I was actually really proud of him- he's only 3, he told me it was too loud and I have him a cuddle and he managed to stay. Got home feeling really proud of them all and happy. Kids asked me a question (why the paint on his car was damaged) I told them and he called me 'smug' in front of them. This name calling is becoming a regular occurrence. He just totally ruined the evening for me. I feel like he can't stand me.
Lately he seems really selfish too - his work is very full on but I feel like he's got used to not being part of the family and when he's here he doesn't enjoy it. This month he has worked one full weekend and is doing his hobby for the other 3, including tomorrow. No discussion with me before he planned it all. When I called him on it and said I thought it was selfish to plan something just for him on Easter Sunday he said I was unsupportive. I have already done bedtime on my own twice and had another full day in my own with all 3 so he could do his hobby this week.
So when I read that back it seems obvious for me to seperate.
2 problems

1. He won't go. If I tell him I want to seperate he just says he's not leaving. I have nowhere to go. Kids love this house and are quite stuck in their ways. I couldn't afford to stay here.
   
2. I really don't think I can manage the kids by myself all the time. I'm ashamed to admit it as their mum but it's just so full on and I already feel overstretched.
   

Dont know what I'm asking really, I just feel completely stuck.

[Offred]

So youths first thing I'll say is you can't fix this if he is not willing and TBH it sounds like he isn't really.

If you want to separate he cannot stop you.

I (eventually) moved into rented property with my kids after separating. I have one DD with suspected ASD (4 year average diagnosis time) and complex needs - benefits are really necessary here.

I got great support to apply for DLA for her from CAB and was granted higher rate care and lower mobility even without a diagnosis.

If you feel you can't manage on your own you can ask for an assessment from social services and they can help you identify what extra support you need. You can get direct payments for the costs.

If he really won't leave you will have to either apply for an occupation order (definite possibility if your dc have needs relating to disability) or bite the bullet and go yourself.

It is possible, you just need to find a way.

I say all this assuming you are now at the point of having tried multiple times to actually communicate with your partner and him not reciprocating. If that's not the case I'd recommend that. A good relationship is founded on friendship and that seems to be what has gone from yours.

[Offred]

*the not youths, don't know why that happened!

[MrsHenryWales]

Logistics aside, do you think you could manage the boys on your own if you didn't have your awful DH to deal with? If he just wasn't part of the equation would that help?

For now, can you just consider him not part of the family? It sounds like he is choosing to opt out. If you plan and arrange around him just not being a part of your life perhaps things would be easier? Whilst you think of the next step.

[Offred]

From my perspective with my daughter the change of moving really destabilised her (amongst other things) but she didn't notice us splitting up.

However, because she really struggles with her feelings and other people's, despite the change destabilising her I think even though we ended up having to move it was better for her to do that than to stay in a position where there were many complex and toxic feelings occurring in the background in her home.

[3boys3dogshelp]

Thanks for replying in the middle of the night!
You're totally right, he was my best friend for years and I feel really lonely now because I don't have that friendship anymore.
We have been niggling at each other and clashing for a long time but we were very sleep deprived, he was working crazy hours to make partner and I thought it was temporary. I feel like the sleep deprived fog has lifted and he's not there anymore.
Wrt DLA I don't think any of them are affected enough to qualify, just really really hard to live with!! Ds3 is only small and not diagnosed but I think he may well have higher needs than his brothers as he gets bigger. At the moment his needs are not so different to your average 3 year old.
With the older two It's more the falling out with each other / constant meltdowns because the routine changed / inability to just bloody get ready even though your 8 / meetings at school and with various paediatricians and OTs / dealing with the late bedtimes anxiety bed wetting and nightmares of one followed by the early start of the other every day that is hard with one adult but not impossible really.
I just can't see how I can do any of the nice stuff with them on my own. a day out or even a trip to the park is almost impossible with all three of them on overdrive and not all going in the same direction! Not sure how much is them and how much is me being soft but I find it nearly impossible. I don't really have any family help to speak of.

[Offred]

Oh god I sympathise! My DD is hard in my exactly the same ways! I have three other dc who are NT and they just miss out on so much because of her.

Go to CAB and have support to send the initial applications for DLA and arrange for it to be paid into a bank account only you have access to if you are awarded it.

Plus I bet there will be loads of things when you do the form that they need that you don't recognise - my dd got higher rate care based on lots of things I hadnt really considered because to me she was just DD and I wasn't really thinking about her extra needs.

[Offred]

SS support can be a hit and miss depending on the actual SW you get. Mine was crap but my friend who has no award of DLA for her son or diagnosis has got a support worker and counselling for her NT children...

Shouldn't be like that but it is so it helps to know what you can get if you push for it.

[3boys3dogshelp]

I don't know. midweek I am used to doing most of it by myself due to DH's hours plus commute. But I definitely run out of patience when I'm doing stuff on my own all the time. And weekends and holidays is hard work on my own if I have all three together. Not impossible but it feels nearly impossible. Eg all love bike rides but atm ds3 would ride straight into the road and I can't keep up with him on foot to stop him,DH can or can put him in the seat on his bike (I'm not strong enough).
Older kids had to stop martial arts as I wasn't allowed to leave them without me there, ds3 was trying to climb over a balcony (repeatedly, for the full hour, tantrum when i stopped him, nowhere else to wait) while we were waiting.
Tried another sport where I could leave the older boys but ds2 had a meltdown when he thought another boy didn't stick to the rules. Seperate occasion Ds1 walked out of the class 10 mins before the end without telling the teacher where he was going. Teacher had to stop the class to find him. So I'm not allowed to leave them there either. Btw this is after months of me going and staying to teach them how it works.
I feel like I would be restricting what they could do by having me on my own even more of the time.
I don't know how much of the acting up is ASD and anxiety related and how much is anxiety made worse by a bad atmosphere. I try very hard not to argue etc in front of them but it's difficult to completely shield them from it.

[Offred]

One of the things SS can help you with is a support worker (for each individual who needs it) to access activities.

Again - I recognise so much of what you say in my dd!

[Offred]

Thing is if the assess your dc as needing 121 support then you should be able to get that support via direct payments in order to help.

[3boys3dogshelp]

I think maybe you're right and I have got used to high maintenance being my normal!!

[Offred]

Yes re the dc and dh I bet!

You can get a benefits assessment from CAB to help you consider how you would survive as a single parent. Plus you may well get some child free time if DH actually steps up more on separation - my XH did the whole 'you are not taking my kids' thing (even though I wasn't) and committed himself to significant childcare, which I now hold him to, though dd (who is 10 now) still needs me on call 24/7 even with him and can't always manage to go to his.

[Offred]

One of the things SS consider is if disability is leading to family breakdown too. If you think the relationship is salvageable but you are both burning out then they may offer help which may relieve the pressure.

[3boys3dogshelp]

New dfod
I have no doubt that DH would want to be very involved with the kids. I know he loves them a lot. He can still be brilliant with them but his fuse is too short for their nonsense these days.
I don't really want child free time. I want time to have quality time with them instead of the shit we have a lot at the moment. Not sure that makes sense.

[Offred]

If you have dc with complex needs you probably NEED child free time TBH. I also have MS which makes it hard for me health wise to actually cope ATM. This is my weekend without the DC and it has taken some time to force myself to rest. I am currently binge watching Star Trek and sleeping when I want. I have had to force myself to rest and enjoy time without the dc - as I imagine you will and most probably you need as much as me given you have 3 DC who all have complex needs. This time forces me to think about myself, which initially was hard but is also necessary.

[Offred]

(My assessment of your situation BTW is that your h has given up and opted out and that you are at burnout point as a consequence. That was what happened to me and I found I could not forgive his opting out TBH)

[Imnotacelebgetmeouttahere]

New I can think of someone that needs drowning and it's not the OPs kids
DFOD

Op just wanted to send virtual - we have 4dc, 3 of whom are diagnosed with ASD amongst other things and it really is a huge strain on relationships. We too get no family support and sadly all my friends are a great distance away, however i have formed a strong bond talking everyday with friends which really helps me manage, especially when things aren't going great at home

[user1491572121]

ImNot I've reported that poster...if everyone else does the same they;ll be deleted. And soon banned because I've seen them here before being awful.

[3boys3dogshelp]

Offred thank you so much, I feel like you get it and I'm not going mad after all! I think DH has burnt himself out at work tbh, then comes home wanting sympathy and to be looked after and given loads of time to do his own thing because he's been very stressed at work. He's opting out of family because it's too much and I'm just left thinking wtf do you think I've been doing?? I have 2 bloody jobs myself!
I think I struggled a bit when ds1 was diagnosed - I had raised concerns about him earlier and been dismissed so we had plodded on with all of them thinking I was neurotic and they were fine. Then ds1 had a bit of a crisis and was investigated (and was actually given a working diagnosis on day one of meeting his paediatrician so clearly quite obviously affected). That was great and a relief....for a day then I thought about it and actually of the three he is the easiest and most laid back despite his difficulties. So now our other ds's are also going to have to go through all that.
Imnot thanks for the wine. Most of our friends aren't around much anymore. My best friend is fab but is having infertility issues so I'm very aware of not complaining too much about how hard family life is. Local parent friends are noticeably keeping their distance now our DC don't just fit in with the plans. They're all pretty HF so often just look naughty I think .

[user1491572121]

3boys have you posted on the www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs special needs board at all?

There is SUCH a huge amount of knowledge and support there. People there have been through what you're going through and can offer the wisdom of experience.

Not only is marital difficulties a common issue when people are bringing up children on the spectrum but it seems to be almost par for the course.

[3boys3dogshelp]

No I haven't yet. I will have a look but I need to get some sleep I think.

[user1491572121]

Yes, definitely. Things will be clearer tomorrow...you can always link to this thread over in SN.

I will check back tomorrow as well to see how you're doing.

[3boys3dogshelp]

Weill I stupidly trusted DH with Easter presents. I told him they weren't getting chocolate off anyone else. Thought he might make a bit of effort as he is out the rest of the day. He told me he had sorted it. Last night after kids in bed he got the eggs out. 1 X minions one (med sized box but mainly mug and a really tiny egg) and two about the size of a £1 egg plus some sweets to hide in plastic eggs (2 each). So their Easter egg hunt was utter crap with only 5 small things to find each. They usually have a big, 2 med, 2 small and a few tiny things (plus eggs from family who have given them money this year) so this is way less than normal. I tried to tell him last night that we needed more and he had a big go at me and stomped off to bed. Now ds2 is in tears downstairs and has just told ds3 the Easter bunny isn't real . Sick of this shit.

[3boys3dogshelp]

I had had too much to drink as we had been out for dinner then I had a drink when we got home so I couldn't drive to the shop to get more last night.