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Please help me figure this out - am I being paranoid?!!(41 Posts)
DH went to visit his parents and said he would be staying the night. It's a town an hour away by car. About 7pm I rang his mobile as kids wanted to say good night (we don't usually do this) but get didn't pick up. So very uncharacteristically
I kept ringing him and finally he picked up. Said he was driving that's why didn't pick up. Said tire was playing up so went to get it checked, there was traffic and he was driving particularly slowly (that's why delay). Also, lied to his parents as didn't want them to worry. And didn't tell me he was coming back as wanted to surprise me with the second hand car which his sister had gifted him. It just sounds odd as usually he drives pretty fast and why would be have this small car when we have been saving and already have the funds to get a big car which would comfortably fit three carseats. It's not something you would 'surprise' your wife with surely?!
Am I going mad? Overreacting? There is some history previous to this. No real affair as such but behaviour which shook my trust and had to be rebuilt. Feel like we're going back to those times.
Use gifted 2nd hand car as a trade in. Keep log of DH movements in future. Meanwhile chill out.
I wouldn't say you were being paranoid. Sounds like he's fibbing his arse off to me, but then I am a suspicious person.
Sorry, don't quite get it. How did he travel to his parents? He drove back in the dodgy tired second hand car? He's home now with this car?
Totally understand about the lies putting you on edge with you having previous history. You'd think he'd be aware that lying would be a trigger, but if everything thing checks out with this car and his sister he might just be thoughtless. Check the tyre, check his sister's story, check where he's been by looking at phone location (if possible). Either way, he won't tell you any more than he has already.
He went there by train. Should have been back by about 5pm. Rang his parents and told them he was but texted me to tell me he would be back by 8. How can a dodgy tire take up 3 hours. It's just ringing alarm bells. Hard to chill out but wish I could.
In this position I would probably suspect that the delay has more to do with the car he didn't tell you about than an affair. Is it possible he was intending to sell it without telling you about it in the first place? Does he have money worries? Might he have been trying to sell and taking it to dealerships/doing online selling which delayed him?
you can check his location maybe by going into "frequent locations" which is in settings, maybe under "privacy" then "location services"
thats if he has iphone, and only if he has it turned on
btw, his story doesnt sound too fishy, the lies do however! but you know him best, its hard to judge as a stranger
I would immediately think he had used going to his parents' to get the car as a cover for OW too.
I don't like 'surprises' though and anyone I was with would therefore know this. As they would know I wouldn't like unilateral taking of joint decisions such as going back on what was discussed jointly re car and picking up a car himself.
As to how this personal opinion applies to you I can't say, only you can judge.
Did he say why he decided not to stay the night after all?
I told him to nit bother coming home yesterday as needed time to think.
Sorry drip feeding here but wanted opinions before I said this...years ago I found that he had logged on to those hook up sites. A couple of them. Was also addicted to porn. This nearly killed our relationship but after a long, long while we got to an OK place. He said he had finally put to bed his addiction to porn and the hook up sites were just something he went on as they were pop ups on the other sites he used so one thing led to another but he had no real interest in meeting anyone.
I made it work because we're from a culture which sees divorce as wrong. Now though there's kids involved. He spent so many years lying, telling me it was my mind and not him. Sometimes I used to almost believe perhaps it was me. I don't trust myself to judge when he's telling truth or lying now. For the last 6 years its been largely good though. Our relationship seems to have improved and us letting all that stuff in our twenties go. I thought we'd both matured, kids etc.
A few months ago he got really angry because he thought I'd looked at his phone. I get that most ppl would but given the history of his past behaviour I thought it was an excessive reaction and it set alarm bells.
He wasn't trying to sell the car. He would tell me and more to the point, he wouldn't sell without his parents permission. Also we would used money saved towards any debt if that was the case.
We do have debts but I'm aware if them.
He didn't say why he decided not to spend the night. So there's a question mark as to whether he'd have come home at all. He'd told his parents he's at one place, me another. When his parents realised he wasn't at home they'd have sent messages/calls which alerted him that I now knew he had left their home. But we now have missing hours he's given reasons for but nothing really adding up.
I did go through his stuff last night but strangely, I couldn't find any current account statements to give a clue. So all his paperwork is there but just no statements apart from savings accounts, mortgage etc. He only has 1 filing place at home (space is limited at home).
Feel so so stupid and angry with myself. How did I end up here.
BTW I am taking notice of people saying there might not be anything suspicious here. It's calmed me down a bit so that's good but hate that in back to a place of doubt and questioning my own evaluation of a situation. Takes me right back and I'm finding this itself distressing.
Sorry OP, I know the feeling of being taken back to that place of doubt, and taking into account the history, I am not surprised you are wondering. I would also be wondering if his overnight plans had been aborted because you were aware something was going on. It seems odd to me that he would say he was sleeping over if he had intended bringing the car back with him. It would have still been a surprise if he turned up in it rather than taking the train, so I don't understand his excuse.
All you can do is either keep quiet and watchful (is his an android or iPhone?) or
Address your concerns with him and be very clear where you stand should anything dodgy come to light. Although at this point if he is being dodgy he'll be super careful and lay low until things blow over.
Sorry I sound suspicious, but I have also experienced a similar break in trust, and know how the uncertainty haunts you. Good luck.
You ended up here I think because you allowed your culture to dictate how you dealt with his past behaviour I think.
That's not to say that you should have split then, I don't know, it's just to say that clearly this has festered for many years without being dealt with and it seems you have just continued the marriage as before - him being dodgy and you being hurt and suspicious.
You're right Offred. It's always been there in the background and every now and then something happens which he reasons away but it's getting hard to convince my own self now and it's all festering away. I will keep a close eye although he is still not home. He says he doesn't want a marriage where I don't trust him. Fair enough. I'm not going to argue with that. Whether or not he's up to anything it's just all a bit shit to be honest. Thank you all for your posts.
Did he take the car to avgarage to sort the dodgy tyre? Could you ask to see receipts or some other proof that's what he was up to?
Yes he's right about that but TBH if he isn't worthy of trust him saying that is pretty meaningless since he has caused you not trusting him!
It would be extreamly difficult to find anywhere to fix a tyre on a Sunday evening - let alone Easter Sunday when most businesses are not legally allowed to open!
Trust is everything for me too! If he doesn't want a marriage where you don't trust him, he needs to give you no reasons to doubt him!!! Go with your instincts op!
No he said they only looked at it. He had get off m25 and find a garage and in the end he went to a Beadles near Surrey. Then had to wait for them to check his tyres. That all took about 2 hours. And the 1 hour journey home itself increased to 2 hours as he just happened to drive slowly from Southall to south east London (the man who usually speeds if by himself in car). I don't drive myself so he knows I'm clueless about roads and garages etc but it just doesn't sound right.
He said this morning he's had enough of everyone - parents and me and wants to run away. He doesn't understand why we are suspicious. Well, I want to run away too sometimes but I'd never do it if I knew someone had been hurt by me!! Would you not try and sort it out first.
It was telling for me when I said - I've been at home, exactly where I said I'd be, looking after our kids and where were you? - he stayed silent at that specific question. Looked almost crushed. I can't under this at all. We also seemed to be in more debt than I originally thought... I went through paperwork and saw credit card bills. But no statements which show what money has been spent on. I did ask for them but he is refusing saying he'd rather separate than show me.
Sorry I'm rambling. One moment feel anxious that it's a can of worms I'm digging around, then calm....can't get my thoughts straight.
Thank you all. I'm feeling pretty scared. Scared of the road ahead if I decide to end this and scared of the future if I decide not to rock boat. Kids all asking when dad will be home too now. I'm so mad at myself right now.
I think it's so difficult for you because you don't have any definite proof that he has done anything wrong, which is the frustrating part as you don't want to end the relationship over something when he might be telling the truth. He's trying to manipulate you though by refusing to stay in the marriage if there's no trust; probably hoping you will back off questioning him so if he is mis-behaving, he can do so without being monitored. If he does come back home, make sure you carefully study every situation when he is away from home in the future. Check up on him. He will eventually slip up if he is doing something he shouldn't. They always do.
I would not trust him. Why do you not have access to the bank statements?
When you gave the back story it all started sounding very suspicious. Without that, I might have given him the benefit of the doubt. Sorry you're going through this -- the doubt is horrible.
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