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What would you say to a DP who didn't want to live with you?

(25 Posts)
OrangeNow Sat 15-Apr-17 22:00:52

A follow on from another thread. DP and I split up recently. We have

SparklingRaspberry Sat 15-Apr-17 22:49:13

Personally it would be a deal breaker for me.

I'm not sure I know the back story though OP, sorry

wizzywig Sat 15-Apr-17 22:57:19

i dont want to live with my husband but i dont want a divorce. i need some time apart from him (maybe 6-12 months) as we are both going through a tough time. we are both not giving each other the support we need and its destroying us. i no longer look forward to weekends as i feel as though i have another child (ie, him). he on the other hand feels as though he does a lot and i dont appreciate him. but im in the position that its me who wants to spearate. you seem to be in the other position.

noego Sun 16-Apr-17 00:08:38

I don't live with any of my DP's. I love it and so do they. its a mutual agreement.

wizzywig Sun 16-Apr-17 10:19:39

noego how many dp's do you have?

TheNaze73 Sun 16-Apr-17 10:49:07

I'd think fair play. Too many people rush into that old bollocks. Sounds like bliss to me. Experience has taught me that though

OrangeNow Sun 16-Apr-17 11:38:31

Gosh, I didn't even realise this had posted! I hadn't finished writing blush

We have a child together and live with my other DC's (not his). He says he has been miserable living with us all, and the pressure has been too much. He wants to live separately but continue a relationship with me, and stay over night sometimes (3 days a week, he suggested).

He believes this is the only way to save our relationship, I think we should work through our problems living together, or not be together at all. Yesterday he told me he is absolutely not coming back, and accepted we will permanently split if that is the case. This morning he asked to take me out for my birthday.

I feel so sad, I think I was up crying for most of the night.

Trifleorbust Sun 16-Apr-17 11:43:19

He doesn't get to move out as if he isn't a father, OP. I would have packed his stuff at that suggestion because it is outrageous.

peri89 Sun 16-Apr-17 11:47:10

If he's willing to walk away from the hard stuff - do you really need that? Being a parent is difficult, and you need his support. You need to be a team and get through the tough stuff together. He's taking the easy way out... if I were you, I'd give him hell and not allow him back. It's horrible and will be difficult, but his heart clearly isn't in it.

RandomMess Sun 16-Apr-17 11:47:17

How old are all the DC?

Staying over 3 nights per week and what??? Doing a share of work or just coming to see is DC and have a shag?

I think it can work if he needs the space from all of the DC but only if he is contributing to the day to day work, financially, building a solid relationship with his own DC and dating you...

Trifleorbust Sun 16-Apr-17 11:53:45

I might tell him that's fine, as long as he doesn't mind if your other boyfriends stay the other 4 nights grin

Seriously, how dare he?

Dozer Sun 16-Apr-17 11:59:57

Seems like it's over.

What are his plans to continue to be a parent? I would focus on making sensible residency/access and maintenance arrangements to benefit his biological DC, and also determining what (if any) contact you think he should have with your other DC, and supporting them.

Dozer Sun 16-Apr-17 12:00:25

As for his request for you to continue your personal relationship, I would tell him to F off.

Zaphodsotherhead Sun 16-Apr-17 12:07:41

Siounds like another 'I want to see other women but I also regularly need my laundry done and sex in case the other women don't follow through' to me, I'm afraid.

Wolfiefan Sun 16-Apr-17 12:09:34

So he wants to visit and shag.
But not be a parent, partner or any real part of your life?
Sod that.

Peanutbuttercheese Sun 16-Apr-17 12:13:45

Sounds like he doesnt like being a stepdad at all. Did you live together before you had your child together?

LouKout Sun 16-Apr-17 12:14:36

No way would i OK this.

LouKout Sun 16-Apr-17 12:15:39

I'm afraid I'd also be suspicious about his motives in suggesting it.

Finola1step Sun 16-Apr-17 13:27:56

I know a couple who have been together nearly 30 years. Never lived together. Bought two flats in a converted house (so one upstairs, one down with a shared garden). They probably have the strongest relationship I know. Very, very happy and content with their lot.

But here's the thing. No children. Never wanted them. Neither of them wanted the full family life thing.

Your situation is very, very different. He is essentially wanting to opt in and out of family life on a part time basis. That just isn't fair on all concerned.

I can understand his need for personal space though. This is why I quite like the fact that DH has his home office in the garden that he disappears to.

But your OH can't just cherry pick what parts of family life he wants and leave an increasing pile of grunt work to you.

chickenjalfrezi Sun 16-Apr-17 13:32:53

Going to go against the grain...

DP and I have done this as we were having relationship troubles. Time apart and seeing each as if dating again (or visiting each other vice Versa) had given us space to resolve our issues and we're planning to live together again after what would have been a year living apart. Had we not reconnected and split up, at least the logistics of living apart had been solved. I instigated it and DP was hurt initially but we've both worked hard to come back together and both happy now.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Sun 16-Apr-17 13:39:00

So if he's living separately, will he be paying maintenance? and having overnights with his child? Or will he feel that as he's going to visit you for a few nights a week that he won't need to?

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it........ and let you do all the hard graft.

Floralnomad Sun 16-Apr-17 13:40:27

trifleorbust has it exactly .

category12 Sun 16-Apr-17 13:40:27

Is he planning on taking his own dc with him for some of the other 4 days? I'm betting no.

Which boils down to wanting to live as a single man, yet having the upsides of girlfriend/parenthood. He knew you had children already when you got together, it's not some terrific surprise to him, is it?!

You deserve better. Take the nothing at all option.

category12 Sun 16-Apr-17 13:43:00

Oh and living with you 3 days a week will screw with any benefits you might otherwise receive. Worst of all worlds for you. No help, and no possibility of finding someone better.

HmmOkay Sun 16-Apr-17 13:43:07

Presumably he is taking his child with him?

Or, let me guess, he intends to live a single life while you look after his child for the majority of the time?

And when he does visit it is so that he can see his child for a couple of hours while you cook his dinner and do his laundry. Bugger. That.

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