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Advice please

(18 Posts)
CaptainCaveMan1234 Sat 15-Apr-17 20:02:37

Hi all

My name is Dave, I'm 34 years old, 35 in October. I am currently in a relationship but I'm not happy. I want to be, but it's just not happening.

I wanted to have children in my early 30's but when I was 29/30 my ex cheated on me and left me. I then met my current partner and basically we have had quite a few ups and downs, more downs. Then I went through two years of illness and injuries. I've had ultimatums about getting married from her, threats of her leaving over my hobby (of playing footy) which I've now given up and other things. She dosent seem to bring the best me out of me which is what I've heard from lot of people that their partner makes them feel like a better person...

I have tried to work on our relationship but it dosent seem to be working. We differ on opinions regarding money, family and other similar things. We both want children but I don't think she is "the one" for me.

However now I feel anxious. My anxiety grows as I don't want to be and old dad. I planned to have children in my early 30's but when this changed I accepted mid 30's but now that seems to be going out the window it is making me poorly.

I suppose what I'm looking for is similar stories of people who have been 33/34/35 and had to start over or met someone. How quickly did you then have children, get married? Did you wait? Did you go for it? Are you still together? Etc.

Good stories might make me feel better and help relieve the stress and anxiety I'm feeling.

Thanks in advance

Creampastry Sat 15-Apr-17 21:54:04

Sorry but it sounds like you need a new partner.

miwelaisjacydo Sat 15-Apr-17 22:00:32

Your relationship sounds bad. You don't sound happy.

If you want a child really badly have you considered having one in your own?

Bluetacic Sat 15-Apr-17 22:00:55

Have you posted this before?

beachcomber243 Sat 15-Apr-17 22:12:40

You say you're not happy, that she isn't the one for you, so while you're with your partner you will remain unhappy.

Make the break then you can make a new start with someone who doesn't make you give up hobbies or give you ultimatums.

Why do you put up with that?

highinthesky Sat 15-Apr-17 22:16:49

However now I feel anxious. My anxiety grows as I don't want to be and old dad. I planned to have children in my early 30's but when this changed I accepted mid 30's but now that seems to be going out the window it is making me poorly.

Just be grateful that you don't have the same reproductive shelf-life as a woman. Readjust your expectations according to what life is serving you.

Itsmeitscathy Sat 15-Apr-17 22:26:58

If you don't think she's the one for you let her go now as it's not fair to either of you.

You don't know what's round the corner or who you'll meet, or what life is going to throw at you. But make sure you're with the right person because that matters more than any of the rest of it.

SparklingRaspberry Sat 15-Apr-17 22:47:49

Just be grateful that you don't have the same reproductive shelf-life as a woman

What? So really because his life isn't going according to plan he needs to be grateful for it anyway because it could be worse, he could be a woman with a much worse reproductive shelf life??

the OP isn't a woman, he never has to think like a woman, he will never have the concerns of a woman - so therefore what you've just said is pointless and minimises the OP's original complaint.

This post is from a male, talking about his problem/worry. Let's not turn it around to how women have it much worse... just concentrate on offering him advice rather than tell him he needs to be grateful because he could have it much worse.

OP, it doesn't sound like this woman is the one for you. Only you can make that decision. But the whole time you're with the wrong person you're missing out on meeting the right one.

TheElephantofSurprise Sat 15-Apr-17 22:52:15

Stop worrying, ditch the present woman (it's only fair to you both), work on yourself (counselling, put your life right) and meet someone you actually value. Then marry and have children. There's no rush for a man. As long as you don't hang on where you are, you'll be fine.

SparklyMagpie Sun 16-Apr-17 11:55:00

Bluetacic yes! He's posted about this about 50 billion times hmm

Peanutbuttercheese Sun 16-Apr-17 12:10:45

It's the classic conundrum about settling. Also about a partner forcing their will on someone e.g giving up football.

When it comes to hobbies no one should be made to give theirs up but when you have dc or a partner everyone needs to agree on what is a fair amount of time for that hobby plus can it be afforded.I had to stick my hobby on the back burner for a number of years because there just wasnt the time when dc were small.

Some couples like loads of time together and some like to do things apart. Sounds like you need a partner who has their own interests and doesn't mind doing things apart. I'm like this if I had a partner who wanted to spend all their spare time with me I wouldn't like it at all.

Finish your relationship.

TrippyMcTrapFace Sun 16-Apr-17 12:42:19

YY Sparkly and Blue many times. hmm

CaptainCaveMan1234 Sun 16-Apr-17 13:58:59

Sparkly and blue no I haven't posted about this. I'm new to this site.

sucue Sun 16-Apr-17 14:04:30

Well I must say, I had no idea so many men had exactly the same problem.

Those male biological clocks must be a real thing.

highinthesky Sun 16-Apr-17 14:07:34

What? So really because his life isn't going according to plan he needs to be grateful for it anyway because it could be worse, he could be a woman with a much worse reproductive shelf life??

Positive reframing is a recognised CBT technique. It's pointless to dwell on non-modifiable negatives, the OP is going to have to acquaint himself with reality, so why not sooner rather than later.

stitchglitched Sun 16-Apr-17 14:08:19

If you both want children but you don't think she is the one to have then with then you need to end things, for her sake too. She doesn't have the luxury of wasting time if she is in her 30s.

Thinkingofausername1 Sun 16-Apr-17 14:57:07

Honestly don't have children in this relationship they will end up unhappy

isitjustme2017 Sun 16-Apr-17 15:51:16

I had my 2nd child at 38 (dp was 41) so not sure why you're worrying about the age issue. Its also much easier for an older man to have children than an older woman.
The worst possible thing you can do is go ahead and have kids with a woman who clearly is not right for you. Because things will get worse, you will have the stresses that kids bring and then breaking up becomes a thousand times more complicated.

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