Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

They've called it a day, haven't they?

(19 Posts)
Itscurtainsforyou Sat 15-Apr-17 18:06:53

Before we met, my DP had a group of friends. Would spend lots of time with them, at their house(they had young kids, so this was easier).

Over the years, we've had kids so have visited less (they very rarely visit us, we're about 45 mins apart). Apart from one incident where they told me I shouldn't be giving my baby formula (I told them this was not up for discussion), there have been no fallings out.

Over the past few years, all contact has been initiated by us. A few years ago we introduced them to other friends of ours (who live near us) who (at least according to Facebook!) they see quite a bit. We last saw them in the summer (we went to them).

We've felt it's all quite one sided for a while, but persevered as they're some of DP's oldest friends. However today we found out accidentally (a passing comment from a mutual acquaintance) that they're about to have another baby. I can't believe that they didn't tell us and it's that final straw to make me realise that they really don't value us as friends.

Am I overreacting to think that they don't actually give a shit about us so we should just move on and stop making contact? I'm pretty sure that we'll never hear from them again if we leave it to them to get in touch.

I'm also feeling guilty as I think that if my DP had not met me, he'd still be matey with them - and that maybe I'm the problem (welcome to my pity party!)

LettuceMash Sat 15-Apr-17 18:09:06

Yeah they've moved on.

Why do you think you're the reason out of interest?

Msqueen33 Sat 15-Apr-17 18:11:30

Sadly this happens. Maybe they're more friendly now with people who have kids nearer to them. I'd let it go and let your dh contact them if he wishes. We have friends like this and we don't see them as much. We have three kids to their one and two of ours have disabilities so we can't always be that flexible.

MrsJayy Sat 15-Apr-17 18:15:52

Aww it is shit when this happens but it happens not nice though I would leave it and see what they do, tbf your husband would rather be with you than any friends.

NataliaOsipova Sat 15-Apr-17 18:17:18

Agree that they've moved on - but I don't think it's necessarily due to anything you've "done", if you see what I mean. Life is hectic. I've meant to contact all sorts of people and arrange to meet up - before Christmas. It's now Easter and I haven't got round to it.

Equally, it could just be that you no longer click as "families". Again - nobody needs to be at fault. My DH has a very good friend. His wife and I get on fine, but wouldn't ever be close. His kids are fine, but nothing in common with my kids. We meet up en famille once or twice a year and it's...fine. But it's much easier for DH and his friend to go for a beer together every month or so than it is for all of us to meet up as the dynamic isn't that relaxing.

I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Itscurtainsforyou Sun 16-Apr-17 00:55:37

Thanks all - I suppose I feel bad for DP that his friends are falling by the wayside. But I guess that is just life.

Thanks again.

Beelzebop Sun 16-Apr-17 02:05:49

Time to move on xxx

CouldntMakeThisShitUp Sun 16-Apr-17 06:17:27

they very rarely visit us

So they've been telling you but you chose to ignore what they've been saying.....

TheLegendOfBeans Sun 16-Apr-17 06:27:12

Now they are having a family they may "reappear" as they're now going to be on the same page as you life-stage-wise. Your DP and you are parents so may end up being called on for advice.

You have the right to feel angry: I would. But don't "do" anything, let them come to you.

Crispmonster1 Sun 16-Apr-17 06:35:22

DH and I struggle to keep up with any friends since having children. I never thought I'd be like that as friend have always felt so important. We just don't physically have the time or the energy. Maybe it's not you and it's just life.

MrsKoala Sun 16-Apr-17 07:05:25

When i met DH he had about 5 separate groups of friends from uni, work, sports groups etc. They all met me (on different occasions) and then some never saw him again and the others cooled significantly to the odd fb message.

Similarly, when DH met my friends they all went immediately no contact with me.

It was all very hurtful and bizarre. We have spent years dissecting everything and are still totally baffled. We just think the dynamic had changed (particularly for DH) and they didn't like it.

Increasinglymiddleaged Sun 16-Apr-17 08:16:09

I'd have moved on if they'd told me I shouldn't give my baby formula......

Astro55 Sun 16-Apr-17 08:24:08

Lives do move on and change -

DH friends are all crap at keeping in touch - so is he!

If there's been no contact since last summer - your DH obviously hasnt contacted them either. It's a two way street. Why are you blaming them when you haven't been in toich?

Itscurtainsforyou Sun 16-Apr-17 09:08:48

Hi thanks for the replies. To clarify, my DP is the one who gets in touch mainly. I send the odd email (rarely replied to). They rarely (if ever, I don't remember the last time) call us. My DP has phoned them a couple of times since the summer, but the summer was the last time we physically saw them.

They are breastfeeding enthusiasts, so I wasn't surprised by their comment to formula feeding. I was disappointed as they had no clue why we were giving formula ( medical reasons that I could have gone into but after their black and white statement that DC shouldn't have formula upset me and I didn't feel I should have to justify my decision).

I think you're all right. I think that life has moved on for whatever reason. If I'm honest I'm feeling hurt as looking back it was always/mostly us who made the effort. We have very different lifestyle choices but didn't judge them (although sometimes felt they were judging us), so i'm now wondering if this has been one-sided for longer than we realise.

Whatever the past situation I think it's safe to say it's time to draw a line under it and focus on other things.

Thanks all

Joysmum Sun 16-Apr-17 09:13:24

I think many friendships are those of convenience. There's usually one side who make most, if not all, the effort and the other accepts them as a pleasant distraction but not a full on friendship. If that effort buy one side fizzles out, the friendship does too.

Just look at all the times you can find examples of this in life, work friendships that end when it takes effort to remain in touch outside of work, family who then lose a common link etc.

MyUsernameIsInvalid Sun 16-Apr-17 09:13:35

I'm in the exact same situation as your partner.

MyUsernameIsInvalid Sun 16-Apr-17 09:31:59

Sorry, didn't mean to post yet haha.
I had a friend who I went all through school with, went on hol together, did everything together. When he met his (now) wife when we were teenagers we all hung out each week for years.
Then when I met my (now) wife ofcourse we saw them a bit less as we had our relationship we let grow together.
But since we've been married it's always me making contact, always me texting or calling first asking if he'd like to meet for a pint or they'd like to do something, he'd never initiate.
Though this at one point bugged me, I can't make other people make an effort, all I can have is a clear conscience in the matter, I've done my best for our friendship and that's it. It's been 2 years since I saw them last. It's sad, as he was my best mate from infant school, but I can't do any more,even though they don't live far away at all.
Talk to your husband about it. We did and we decided on making one last attempt, and when we did and got nothing we gave up. We know where we stand and if anyone ever says anything about it we know for sure we tried.

Increasinglymiddleaged Sun 16-Apr-17 09:34:33

They are breastfeeding enthusiasts, so I wasn't surprised by their comment to formula feeding. I was disappointed as they had no clue why we were giving formula ( medical reasons that I could have gone into but after their black and white statement that DC shouldn't have formula upset me and I didn't feel I should have to justify my decision).

Well quite, even if you were preserving your breasts for your burgeoning porn star career it really is none of their damn business. People who are judgy like that will be judgy and small minded in other ways.

Beelzebop Fri 21-Apr-17 13:30:18

Sad bit true OP. Thinking back, I have similar situations. My true friends now tend to be family really who share that extra bond so it's easier to maintain I think.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: