Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Worries

(62 Posts)
Perriemerry Sat 15-Apr-17 18:06:39

I'm I'm long time Lurker on here and im not entirely sure if I'm posting in the right place.

Anyhoooo a little info background in myself etc

I've been with my husband for 9 years married fir just over 1. And we have 2 beautiful children together, our own house, good income ........

I do suffer from anxiety panic attacks but other than that I'm all good.

But what I can not he past is the totaldread of the possibility that my husband is going to cheat.

I 1000000% believe that when he's not drunk he would NEVER cheat I know it's what they all say by honestly he really wouldn't be came from a broken family by where one parent cheated on the other and saw how distraught the other was and vowed never to cause that pain on me. And there has been no reason or sign that "whilst sober " he has

Problem area. .. alcohol...

When we first got together after about 6 months a had a huge argument and i ended it obviously just in anger he went out ended up getting really drunk and kissing another girl and had a little sucky sucky off her, he told me the next morning and was horrififed but he thought we were over otherwise it would have never happened.
Also when he's had a drink (what I'm about to say hasn't happened for over 3 years since our youngest was born) he would come home and be really angry and agressive, he is a really aggressive drunk I've had to lock myself in rooms whilst he's trying to smash the door down to get to me, ive had neighbours ringing the police because of his shouting and banging, he has broken my fingers,punched me in my face and head, yanked me around by my hair and always strangled me to one of the times I almost passed out snd woke up the next morning with bruises on my neck etc this happened almost everytime he was drunk for around 5 years. I want to add again this level of violence hasn't happened for about 3 years... there has been moments where he has lost his temper but never on that scale.
Obviously all the violence was my fault and i made him do it and i guess sometimes I did make him angry even though not on purpose.

He vowed never to drink to that extent again which he has stuck pretty much.

When he is sober he's the most perfect man and i love him more than anything. But he's gone on a stag do today and is staying overnight and i know he's going to get realllllyyyyy drunk and im worried that he's going to turn violent. Obviously not on me but on other people. And get into trouble and i have a horrible fear of him drunk cheating in me.. I know it's stupid cause he wouldn't do it whilst sober so why would he do it whilst drunk.....

I dont know why i posted but when I get a thought into my head it eats away at me... like its early afternoon but ive already had a text off him which implies hes already a little tipsy

How can i stop my anxious mind wandering

This was posted on another area by was told to post here instead

summerfling Sat 15-Apr-17 18:22:24

Unfortunately you can't control what he will or won't do.

You need to keep busy until he comes home.

Chrononaut Sat 15-Apr-17 18:26:37

Holy crap OP that's some Jekyll and Hyde you have there, I didnt want this to go unanswered and I think some users will be along in a moment with some very sage words for you.

I'd suggest your DH goes Teetotal or you call it off though if he can't keep it in his pants and KNOWS hes violent and prone to cheating when he drinks.

Deadsouls Sat 15-Apr-17 18:28:44

Also when he's had a drink (what I'm about to say hasn't happened for over 3 years since our youngest was born) he would come home and be really angry and agressive, he is a really aggressive drunk I've had to lock myself in rooms whilst he's trying to smash the door down to get to me, ive had neighbours ringing the police because of his shouting and banging, he has broken my fingers,punched me in my face and head, yanked me around by my hair and always strangled me to one of the times I almost passed out snd woke up the next morning with bruises on my neck etc

You realise that this is abuse, domestic violence. Even if it hasn't happened for 3 years, you say this used to happen regularly when he used to drink. This is horrific, why would you want to stay with a man who has done this to you? I'm not accusing you, but it's a question to consider. I know it's not black and white, but the violence you describe is extreme and abnormal.

You don't trust him I don't think from what you've written. Are you happy in this relationship?

Perriemerry Sat 15-Apr-17 18:35:49

He can keep it in his pants. He made the one mistake when he thought that our relationship was over and has vowed he would never cheat... by my anxiety makes me think otherwise

And I know I should have left the first time he put his hands on me. But I have no one else. I have an alcoholic mother who doesn't and never had cared about me.

Our relationship is ok. It's not a perfect marraige by I don't think any are. He does have Anger issues and they will never go away but the violence is nearly non existent i just make him too angry sometimes hich i am working on to keep him as calm as possible and when he used to drink to that level it was really bad but he's never drank like that since I walked out 3 years ago. I'm just worried that he's on this stag do and he will get too drunk and maybe his violent steak will come back out. He's not coming home tonight they are all staying away for the night . But what if his anger gets him into serious trouble and he hurts someone or he gets hurt?

Perriemerry Sat 15-Apr-17 18:37:42

Other than that one mistake he made he has never given me any reasons not to trust him. I believe he wouldn't cheat but my anxietymakes me think different

Deadsouls Sat 15-Apr-17 18:40:58

But can you see how you are writing this? you make him angry
you work hard to keep him calm

You are not responsible for him, you don't make him act out and abuse you. He abuses you. Do you get that you are not responsible for that?
The fact that you are worried about him getting drunk and being violent towards you or someone else says something significant.

Perriemerry Sat 15-Apr-17 18:45:08

When he used to drink to the extreme he never had any sort of fighta with other men or anything whilst out. But the reason I'm worried is because he has kept his drinking to a level where he doesnt change if you know what I mean, but I'm worried that he's going to get carried away with his drinking tonight and have that violent streak come out.

Perriemerry Sat 15-Apr-17 18:47:16

He says he gets angry because say if we have a little argument i won't leave him alone he says he gets angry to get me away from from him, he gets in my face and shouts maybe pushes me out of the room or grabs me and takes me out of the room... But he hasn't been as violent as he was a few years ago.

StrawberryJelly00 Sat 15-Apr-17 18:50:20

Why would you expose children to this! Or risk exposing your children to this.

If you want to endure this then that's your choice but your children?? Not fair

Olddear Sat 15-Apr-17 18:50:28

So he just punches you, breaks your fingers, yanks you around by your hair, strangles you...but manages not to do that to a man?

Perriemerry Sat 15-Apr-17 18:51:37

I would never let it happen infront of the children. And if he's getting to annoyed whilst around our children I stand in the way so he can walk away to calm down.

Naicehamshop Sat 15-Apr-17 18:52:31

Bloody hell, op! You are minimising the most horrible and violent behaviour here. Do you realise how dangerous it is for him to put his hands round your throat and try to strangle you? He could kill you!

You say he hasn't done it for 3 years, but has he really dealt with his issues or have you been tiptoeing around him desperate not to upset him, and have succeeded - so far?? What will happen when your dc are older - do you know how annoying teenagers are? What's going to happen when he turns on them?

I wouldn't be worrying about him being faithful, I'd be worrying about how you are going to get out of this relationship. sad

ClaudiaNaughton Sat 15-Apr-17 18:54:01

I think it would be surprising if he became violent with other men. He's violent with you because you can't hit back. His stag do mates would be a different kettle of fish.

Perriemerry Sat 15-Apr-17 18:54:42

He had done all of that in the past yes by he doesnt drink like that anymore. I couldn't take it anymore and i walked out, my neighbour had cslled the police and i we pregnant with our youngest child, the only reason I went back was because he promised that he wouldntdrink to that extreme again, and he said as long as worked on not getting him angry it would work. But no he has never been violent towards other men or women whilst drunk just me

f83mx Sat 15-Apr-17 18:55:12

The possibility of him cheating would be the least of my worries, if he's had a tendency to be extremely violent in the past and is still pushing you around etc in arguments now - bollox to worrying about him snogging someone - put yourself first and get out of there.

Naicehamshop Sat 15-Apr-17 18:55:23

It sounds as if he completely loses control - you will NOT be able to stop him from attacking you in front of the children (or attacking them) if he reaches that level of drunkenness again.

NameChangeInCasePeopleRecogn Sat 15-Apr-17 18:56:59

if he's getting to annoyed whilst around our children I stand in the way so he can walk away to calm down

Oh god that must be awful for them!

Naicehamshop Sat 15-Apr-17 18:57:21

And STOP blaming yourself for his behaviour!! It's NOT your fault - it's all him.

Honestly, this isn't normal behaviour. You need to think seriously about getting out of there.

Perriemerry Sat 15-Apr-17 18:57:48

He always used to say he was going to kill me when he used to get that drunk yes and thats what he said thelast time he strangled me to the point of me amost passing out so I am aware of how much of a dangerous situation I was in, I did leave and we talked about how iwas making him angry and i worked on it. But it's been years since it happened and he hasn't got that drunk since. And If I ever saw him in that state again then yes I would be terrified incase it happened again.

Perriemerry Sat 15-Apr-17 19:00:00

We have a good relationship. When hes sober he's lovely, fair enough he gets angry now and then when he is stressed but nothing in that level.

Im just fed up of being anxious when he's out drinking

Perriemerry Sat 15-Apr-17 19:01:12

If I thought for second that our children were in danger I would be out of here straight away

Naicehamshop Sat 15-Apr-17 19:03:24

You are not making him angry! This is all him!!

Olddear Sat 15-Apr-17 19:07:47

What happens if he gets angry with a work colleague? Does he try to strangle them?

SandyY2K Sat 15-Apr-17 19:16:24

I can't even think about the potential of cheating, because the level of his violence has left me shocked.

You have options. Because your mum doesn't care or is an alcoholic, doesn't mean you can't stand and live independently.

Please value your life, because he, the man who vowed to love and protect you, certainly doesn't give a damn.

I hope you don't come to harm.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now