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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

When is a good time to broach the future with my partner?

54 replies

KatDubs261 · 15/04/2017 13:06

I'm 25, 26 this year, and have been with my boyfriend for 7 months. Things are going wonderfully and for the moment I'm happy building memories together.

My boyfriend recently took me to his friend's wedding and began asking me what I thought about rings etc. At one point during the ceremony I could barely tear him away from a newborn baby. And to think women are meant to be the broody ones!

But last night he made some comments that concerned me. He joked about not being a fan of babies/children (news to me as he seems to adore his niece & nephew). I asked him about it and he just said he doesn't want them right now. When I asked if he is planning on being an older father, he said he didn't know - 'maybe', as his parents had him late in life (his mother was in her 40s) and his brother is having a kid in his 40s. He asked me the same question and I told him I wouldn't wait because my aunt (who I am very like genetically) started trying at 38 and couldn't have them. He just listened and said 'to be honest it's just not something I've thought about.'

I suppose in my mind I'd like to start trying by 30/31 and fear the thought of building a life with someone that doesn't want the same things. He wants to have more adventures and not give up his independence, nor do I yet. I want to keep enjoying our time together for now but I also don't want to find out in 2 years that we want different things. Any advice?

OP posts:

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lampshady · 15/04/2017 13:08

You've only been together 7 months and have plenty of time. I'd leave those conversations for 18 months down the line after living together for a year or so.

KatDubs261 · 15/04/2017 13:20

lampshady - ok. but so you recommend living with someone without any promise of marriage in the future? Couldn't it just become the old why buy the milk adage...

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 15/04/2017 13:32

Very early to start thinking about children. Get to know him a bit better first.

BTW -your comment about "why buy milk..." is the sort of stuff people used to trot out in the 1950s.

pinkdonkey · 15/04/2017 13:40

Personally I think it's crazy to marry someone you haven't lived with first. Living together is very different to dating and staying over. Would you rather find out you can't stand living together after you are married? As others have said its very early days in the relationship to be thinking about marriage and kids anyway. 18 months seems more reasonable, its not that he's saying he definately doesn't want kids, just not right now.

TheElephantofSurprise · 15/04/2017 13:47

Talk now. Ditch him and move on if he doesn't share your hopes for the future. There's no point wasting even another month on a man who wants you to hang around waiting for eventual disappointment.

MsStricty · 15/04/2017 13:47

If you're only seven months in, you really don't know the other person very well at all, all potential protestations to the contrary. Take your time.

Dozer · 15/04/2017 13:51

Bleugh to the phrase "building memories"!

7 months is hardly any time at all. Far too early to be thinking this much about the future IMO.

If you don't wish to live with a bf before planning marriage, that's fine IMO.

Dozer · 15/04/2017 13:54

The fact is he CAN probably put off having DC, biologically, whereas you have plenty of time now but don't wish to wait until your mid 30s. Big difference.

Many men in their 20s don't want to think at all about having DC IME.

missyB1 · 15/04/2017 13:59

7months is too early to be thinking long term, see how you feel about him in another 18 months or so.

I would suggest living together (not necessarily yet though) before you marry, as you don't really know them till you live with them. However personally I wouldn't plan to have a child with someone I wasn't married to, that's just me though.

Nomoreworkathome · 15/04/2017 13:59

Personally I think it's crazy to marry someone you haven't lived with first.

What a stupid comment

OP.... lots of time before you need to start thinking about this. Just enjoy the r'ship for what it is at the moment and see if/how it develops.

NerrSnerr · 15/04/2017 14:04

I agree with the others, give it longer before you start thinking the serious stuff. Personally I wouldn't marry someone without living with them first. You get to really know someone when you live together.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 15/04/2017 14:13

Why buy the cow? You think of yourself as an animal to be owned?

SeaCabbage · 15/04/2017 14:16

You've only been with him seven months. It sounds like he is backing off from your talk about babies etc. Try and relax and just enjoy therelationship for what it is. Otherwise you may find he starts to feel under pressure and end it.

When you have been with him longer and still think you would like to marry him then you can have a proper chat about it.

Crispbutty · 15/04/2017 14:18

How old is he?

KatDubs261 · 15/04/2017 14:20

SeaCabbage - the weird thing is he is the one that brought up babies and kids! I haven't mentioned them.

The other day he was joking about 'our grandchildren' so he is the one that sounds a bit confused and I'm not sure how to react sometimes . I agree we should just be enjoying each other for now!

OP posts:

KatDubs261 · 15/04/2017 14:20

He is 25, going on 26, same as me.

OP posts:

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 15/04/2017 15:09

Sounds like going to the wedding and seeing a baby has stirred up lots of weird scenarios for him!!
Leave him to his thoughts for a few months.
Maybe when your first anniversary comes around you can have a 'future' discussion. .

Batteriesallgone · 15/04/2017 15:15

I think at 25 I would have that kind of talk after around 12-18m together. Probably if we got to the point of thinking of living together, at that point I would check 'you see marriage and kids in your life eventually right? Otherwise there's no point me going through the hassle of moving' because I'm lazy

As I got older my timescale for checking what kind of future partners wanted got shorter, but actually when I met DH we couldn't stop talking about marriage and kids

SparklingRaspberry · 15/04/2017 15:17

so you recommend living with someone without any promise of marriage in the future? Couldn't it just become the old why buy the milk adage

You've been together 7 months! He cannot and shouldn't be promising you his whole future right now. Just like you can't promise him your future. You're still getting to know each other, it's still the honeymoon phase. There's still things about him that you're gunna discover and you may not like them.
If someone wanted me to promise them a future involving marriage/babies at 7 months it would put me off to be honest.

I could understand if you'd been together 2 years and he still couldn't give you an answer. But it's not even been 12 months.

And please don't read too much into him cooing over a baby. I am like this with relatives/close friends babies yet I have zero intention of having them what so ever any time soon! In fact, I can't stand kids (unless I'm related to them). Cooing over a baby doesn't mean he's thinking of having them.

Moanyoldcow · 15/04/2017 15:27

I think I'm going against the grain here but I think the conversation about marriage and kids should be fairly early. I'd want to know if my boyfriend wanted those things in his future before getting serious.

My DH and I had that conversation about 2/3 months in. If he was a 'no kids and/or no marriage' I'd rather no before investing too much in it.

I'd certainly want to know that before living with someone.

You can then decide how compatible you are. In my case my DH was 'yes kids, don't care about marriage but not against it' and that was fine for me to be going on with. No timescales etc - it was way too early to relate it to us specifically.

Moanyoldcow · 15/04/2017 15:28

'Rather know', not 'rather no'!

Sammysilver · 15/04/2017 15:51

OP, you, your partner and your relationship are way too young for you to be going through this angst about the future. As a PP has stated above, you don't know each other well enough yet. Just enjoy this honeymoon period for now.

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Dozer · 15/04/2017 15:59

IME lots of men coo over babies and say stuff implying they want a very long term relationship, because they think women want to hear it. It doesn't indicate intent.

ScarletForYa · 15/04/2017 15:59

Too soon, far too soon.

summerfling · 15/04/2017 17:12

Op,

Whenever I met anyone in the past, I told them not to bother with me if in the future they didn't want kids.

When I met my ex he said he didn't want kids or marriage (was perfect because I didn't even want a relationship). When we ended up in a relationship, I told him I wouldn't waste my time getting to know someone who didn't want the same.

Don't waste your time op!

Find someone who wants kids.

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