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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I'd like another baby, partner doesn't

111 replies

crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 11:22

After arguments and even brushing the subject off, I've now decided to come to you lovely MN mums.
Me and my partner currently have an 18 month old little boy who I love so much I could just eat him. Me and DP have been best friends for 13 years and it just developed into a relationship 3 years ago. He also has another boy who is 8 with his ex who he hasn't seen since he was 5/6 months old. I am desperate for another baby, and always say I'm not greedy. I'd just like one more. DP is adamant he doesn't want any more and is happy with DS. We've have arguments to the point I've walked out and all sorts. My best friend has told me to just try without him knowing but I don't want to do that nor can I, he is insistent on using condoms now. He isn't even open to the idea of talking about it after thinking and just expects me to deal with not having another baby. But has also stated that if I could guarantee him a girl he would have another?
Please help!

OP posts:

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Ellisandra · 15/04/2017 11:27

I wouldn't have wanted to have #1 with a man who'd ditched one child, let alone #2

Ellisandra · 15/04/2017 11:29

And I don't think you can say one more isn't being greedy - they're not chocolates.

One more is a massive change. It's a whole child shaped change. He doesn't want another child, end of. There's no compromise to be had.

Decide whether one child with him, is more important to you than two children after splitting and finding someone else.

Your friend's suggestion is morally abhorrent.

Fauchelevent · 15/04/2017 11:32

How is it possible for you to guarantee him a girl? He knows its an impossibility which is why he's said it I presume.

He doesn't really seem like he ever wanted kids, and if you push it you'll just resent each other. Cut your losses by accepting you will have just one child, or find a man who wants another. There's no other option.

Your friend's idea is dreadful.

RebelRogue · 15/04/2017 11:35

You need to decide whether having more children is more important than your relationship.

LordCake · 15/04/2017 11:41

If he has an 8 year old he hasn't seen for 7 1/2 years that says to me that he really isn't bothered about kids. It's rough but you can't force someone to have a child they don't want.

You need to decide if having another child is more Important than this relationship. You also need to think about how he may change his mind. 18 months is a small age gap. There is plenty of time for more kids. If having a second is an absolute must then maybe set a deadline for leaving if he hasn't changed his mind by then.

OnionKnight · 15/04/2017 11:42

You have two choices, either accept that he doesn't want any more children or you can leave him to find someone who will give you another child.

The suggestion of essentially tricking him is disgusting and it says a lot about your friend who suggested it.

Rainbowqueeen · 15/04/2017 11:43

How old are you both? If there are no fertility/age issues why not just leave it for a year or two and see how you both feel then? Or have you always known that he only wanted one child.

If there is a short time frame for you to have another child can you get some counselling to try to reconcile your ideas on family size and move forward.

Do not try to trick him, unless you wish to be a single parent that is hugely deceitful and an awful risk.

Xmasbaby11 · 15/04/2017 11:44

What's his reason for abandoning his first child?

He doesn't sound like he wants more children. Tbh you sound immature and as if you haven't thought things through. A child is a massive life change - wanting a child is not greedy, nor is it acceptable to trick someone into having a child.

user1486956786 · 15/04/2017 11:46

You just cannot have a baby with someone who doesn't want the baby. It is unfair on all parties involved.

Ellisandra · 15/04/2017 11:48

"Have you always known that he only wanted one child"

To be fair, into 18 months + 9 months ago, he didn't even want one. The one he already has and doesn't bother with.

gamerchick · 15/04/2017 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FaithAgain · 15/04/2017 11:51

We had similar (although DH doesn't have any other kids). He was adamant for a long time that he didn't want any more, I did. I love him and our family of 3 so I left it. He's always known I'd like another but he had his reasons but not wanting to try for anothe me (fertility issues first time round, not the easiest baby - low birth weight and reflux issues!). Now she is 4, he is open to the idea. Ironically I'm coming round to the idea of her being an only. So we are now TTC but given our fertility issues I don't think it'll happen....we'll see. We are now at a point where we both think it would be nice but are okay if it doesn't.

If you love him enough, leave it and give it time. If you don't, you need to think seriously about your relationship.

beekeeper17 · 15/04/2017 12:06

I realise that people's views can change with time, but did you talk about how many kids you both wanted before you had your first child?

crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 12:11

Sorry, hard to keep up with responses.
I should have clarified reasons why but LB was running around.
He doesn't see his first born due to her not letting him. He's asked to see him countless times and she out right refuses.
He is a fantastic daddy to our little boy.
And I regret the comment about being immature, I took my son to see his nana so we wasn't arguing around him. I have never nor will I ever have my son in a hostile environment, and I've given up talking about the topic so there is no arguments. My son is a happy and healthy LB who is thriving and excelling.

The time scale isn't right now, but I was on contraceptives and wanted to know if it was worth "cleansing" my body. I have asked him within a few years etc. It's an outright no and never gona happen.
He's even told me to go find someone who will give me a baby if that's what I want.

We have already spoken about the baby front and were always agreed on 2, maybe 3.. now it's 1 and that's it on his part.

OP posts:

crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 12:11

reject, nor regret.. Auto typing ftw!!

OP posts:

starzzzz · 15/04/2017 12:12

He sounds delightful.

crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 12:13

Also, I know they're not chocolates Ellisandra, it's a term I use in a jokey manner. Trying to explain I'd like 2 as opposed to wanting #6 or 7

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Ellisandra · 15/04/2017 12:18

Ah, the ex that won't let him see the child.

So - tell me all about the legal steps he has taken to address that?

Then I'll decide whether to retract my comment that I wouldn't have #1 let alone #2 with a man who didn't bother with his first child.

crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 12:22

Ellisandra I didn't post it to be made to feel like an idiot.
I posted for advice from mums.
I have even asked his ex to let him see his child, she's told me literally to go myself.

He was 19 when it happened and had no clue apart from asking her.
Now he knows 'legal routes' it's been too long and his first born knows another as dad.
He's asked his ex if he can "get to know" his son and been flat out refused.

I get it's not the best, but I also get him not wanting to upset an 8 year old and turn his life upside down.

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Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 15/04/2017 12:25

Was your child together planned? Maybe he is worried having another would be too much for your relationship and he would again be in a position of not seeing his dc when he wanted to.

Ellisandra · 15/04/2017 12:29

I gave you advice: don't follow your stupid friend's advice and don't have a child with a man unless he wants it.

It isn't too late to go down legal routes.

If both you and he have asked the child's mother, then you clearly have decided that knowing his own father is more important for the child than the temporary upset of initial revelation and access. I agree.

I think it is far more important that your boyfriend puts his energy into establishing a relationship with his first son now, than into having a third child with you.

JustHereForThePooStories · 15/04/2017 12:30

Is he paying maintenance for his first child?

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crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 12:31

Justmadeperfectflapjacks
He kind of was and wasn't if that makes sense?
I had to come off bc due to having seizures. We had always agreed to have defo 2 and possibly 3, and after 7 different doctors telling me I wouldn't ovulate for atleast a year due to low hormone levels and unusual AF's we decided to just go with it.
3 weeks later I conceived but didn't find out until I was 19 weeks.

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Ellisandra · 15/04/2017 12:32

Oh and I call utter BULLSHIT about this poor 19 year old having no clue about access rights, apart from asking the mother that was denying them - and thus not exactly the best source of info

He couldn't type "child access" into google?

Ellisandra · 15/04/2017 12:33

No, it doesn't make sense.

It sounds like - no, he doesn't bother paying maintenance but I don't want to say that outright because then he'll sound like a waste of space dead beat dad who neither supports his child or has taken steps to secure access.

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