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A nice uplifting tale of saying no to sex and being listened to.

(18 Posts)
YoJesse Sat 15-Apr-17 10:15:26

Because it's Easter and it's nice to have a positive relationship story on here smile

Last night me and my dp went to bed both thinking sex. We start, I'm not that into it so I say so. A bit of 'are you sure' with both of us laughing, no pressure. We stop.

There are no sulks, no pressure, promises of services tomorrow, sneaky wanks. Just us cuddling till we fall asleep and low and behold the next morning we both feel up for it and we do it.

That's how it should be. Why is that so difficult for some men?

noego Sat 15-Apr-17 10:57:09

It isn't difficult.

Mari50 Sat 15-Apr-17 11:03:09

I have no idea.
I'm not sure why they don't understand that coercive sex only builds resentment and results in a totally dysfunctional sex life.
My exP couldn't understand why I didn't want to have sex with him, the fact that I was pressurised into sex at least 50% of the time just killed my sex drive dead.
I told him I'd be happy if I never had sex again. He enjoys waving this in my face as to why our relationship was doomed (I'm a frigid cow)
What I really meant was I'd be happy if I never had sex with HIM again.

JK1773 Sat 15-Apr-17 11:43:23

Mari I had exactly the same. As soon as pressure was put on me I was utterly turned off. Had a 7 year relationship with the most awful sex life ever. It was just miserable and I dreaded bedtime most nights towards the end. OP my now DP sounds like yours, it's lovely smile

Nutterfly Sat 15-Apr-17 11:45:02

coercive sex only builds resentment and results in a totally dysfunctional sex life.

This a thousand times over. I've been there. I love sex and have a pretty high sex drive but there's no bigger turn off than a man sulking because he feels entitled to use you as a living wank toy.

ButtonmushroomEx Sun 16-Apr-17 05:19:44

I think it's insecurity and/or entitlement.

Some men can't seem to separate sex and love and if you don't have sex you don't love them. It's all about them you see.

And the entitlement, well you can look at Peters post on what men want. Apparently if you used to shag like a bunny during the early years & later you don't fancy it then you should be arrested under the trades description act for falsifying your sex drive.

whilst seemingly forgetting that a lot of women are no longer turned on by their husband becoming a big sulking manchild leaving pee all over the toilet and skiddy underwear on the floor, lapsing into a questionable hygiene routine and refusing to help around the house so you are permanently exhausted by working, childcare and domestic chores while they pour their money and time into expensive hobbies

Well that was STBEXH anyway. My DP now gets the bunny back because he's bloody fantastic and supportive. grin

Mermaidinthesea123 Sun 16-Apr-17 05:23:47

YoJesse that's a lovely story. So very unlike both my ex husbands. They both turned me right off sex with their constant nagging and coersion.
It has cheered me right up.

SleepFreeZone Sun 16-Apr-17 05:24:47

I have a lovely DP too who is up for sex if I'm up for it but doesn't put any pressure on at all if I say no.

HappenedForAReisling Sun 16-Apr-17 06:13:41

For any faults my DH may have this is one are where I trust him 100%.

He will never try and coerce me to have sex if I don't want to and he will never take advantage of me if I'm unable to consent (drunk/asleep etc).

I woke to my ex having sex with me and being very hard to stop so it's nice to be with someone who would never try that.

HappenedForAReisling Sun 16-Apr-17 06:14:36

Sad really that we think this is a situation to celebrate when it's actually something every woman is entitled to.

franke Sun 16-Apr-17 06:42:05

Exactly happenedforareisling. I completely understand the op's purpose with this thread but take issue with it being an "uplifting story". It should just be the norm and, tbf, is the norm in many relationships including mine.

franke Sun 16-Apr-17 06:43:54

Well actually I my last statement is unqualified. I hope it's the norm in many relationships.

Shoxfordian Sun 16-Apr-17 06:57:42

Yeah I hope this is normal for most people although I've seen a few threads where it's not.

If I say I'm too tired to have sex then it's no problem, we have a hug and go to sleep. No sulking or coercing from my boyfriend. This is how it should be for anyone in a relationship

GrandDesespoir Sun 16-Apr-17 19:27:38

I'm not questioning that no one should be coerced or put under pressure to have sex, but if one partner is feeling horny and the other isn't, why is it so bad for the horny party to take care of his or her horniness by masturbating?

MewlingQuim Sun 16-Apr-17 19:39:05

My experience grand is that for some guys having a wank is making a point of 'look what I have to do myself because you are not doing it for me' and it is insulting and hurtful because it is meant to be.

MewlingQuim Sun 16-Apr-17 19:42:30

My experience with DH is that if I am not in the mood he shrugs and reads a book instead. We have sex far more often than I ever had with XP because his attitude is far more attractive smile

Mari50 Sun 16-Apr-17 19:51:47

The majority of people masturbate in private, when someone has repeatedly pestered you for sex and finally accepts that you aren't going to give in, despite them removing your underwear, lying on top of you, trying to force themselves inside of you, they aren't wanking to relieve themselves, they're wanking to demonstrate how pissed off they are with you. It's not taking care of themselves sexually, it's about power. It's also demonstrating quite clearly that all their pestering was about a selfish need and nothing to do with wanting to connect sexually with another human.
My partner would generally rebuff any advances I made, I didn't feel it necessary to masturbate loudly and obviously next to him in such circumstances, I'd accept his feelings, cuddle in and fall asleep.

Str4ngedaysindeed Sun 16-Apr-17 19:55:34

I was thinking this today. DH quite often wakes up wanting to have sex but if I tap him gently and just say 'not now', he'll roll over and that's that! I can't imagine being forced into it now. I know as a young woman i did do it so many times when I didn't want to- awful looking back

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