I'm 31 and don't think I've ever experienced a 'normal' healthy relationship with the opposite sex.
I got married to an abusive arse at 18 and had 3 children. I left him about 6 years ago and have dated quite abit in between. In that time I've only been in love once with someone I met abroad and we were long distance for 1.5 years. I broke up with him because of the distance but I loved him very much.
We had a great relationship, he was supportive, caring, honest, romantic but as we only saw each other every few months and were always on holiday when we did, I know it wasn't a realistic representation of a normal relationship and would probably have been very different had we lived together.
After that relationship ended I met someone and we have been seeing each other for about a year. We get along great most of the time but I have a lot of reservations about him but I'm not sure if my expectations are skewed. We work in the same field and I respect him a lot and he's been so supportive of my career. He can be affectionate, is great in bed and and I fancy him but at the same time can be distant, is a workaholic and can be very blunt at times (e.g I need to lose weight which I do but don't need to be told).
He is Nigerian and has quite strong cultural views (I.e women raise children and cook and clean while the man provides). He's also very religious but doesn't force his views on me (I'm an atheist). His family expect him to get married this year and we have discussed this as he doesn't want to be with me unless we plan to marry, however his family have to approve of me first.
I don't know if I want to marry him. Is it normal to be so unsure? He'll say things that upset me but I don't know if it's me being unreasonable. An example is yesterday afternoon I called him briefly and said I'd call him later to talk properly. He said no, we'll speak tomorrow, we've already talked today. My parents invited him to have Easter dinner but he didn't want to go because he's not sure what plans he has that day yet.
He doesn't ever take me out on dates and doesn't say he loves me unless I say it first. No sweet messages during the day, I often call him first and we only see each other once a week as I can't get childcare and he doesn't like to travel the 10 minute train journey to my house. He often works online when we are together (he's a writer) and doesn't tell me I'm beautiful because 'it's been established that he thinks I'm beautiful'. For Christmas I bought a few things that we for a hobby of his, he went out and got me 40 cigarettes when he found out I'd bought him something.
It's not the swept off my feet romantic relationship I was in before, it's very practical but is this what a normal committed relationship looks like? I'm becoming resentful of his inability to be romantic. We've discussed this before an he only does things if they are practical and can't see the point in little gestures etc. I also feel like his cultural values come before mine.
There is an element of me wanting the security of a marriage but at the same time, am I settling? Is this relationship normal and
Healthy? I'm so confused.
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Relationships
To not know what a normal relationship feels like
whatdididotodeservethis · 15/04/2017 09:03
Hello!
We're just sending this over to relationships for the OP.
Worm, your words struck a chord, I certainly don't feel cherished. I wouldn't really know what that feels like though. He would marry who his parents thought was suitable, I'm aware of this.
He is OK with my DC, he chats with them but won't come on day trips etc. We have talked about how we would work as a 'family' and I made it clear he would have to treat my children as his own. He agreed to this in a financial sense (I.e he would pay for things they need) but I'm not sure if he would be there emotionally. We do have different parenting styles but my boys are older now so I wouldn't want him to discipline them anyway. He said everyone would have to start pulling their weight in the house if he moved in and to be fair I would agree to this as my DC currently don't do any chores.
I can't see what he does that is controlling. I think he is quite manipulative but not controlling. That's why I find it difficult to work out my feelings. On the one hand I know I can call him and he'll always pick up and be supportive, always pays for dinner, parking when I visit etc, talks about a future but then on the other hand will make excuses that he's busy working which would be fine if it wasn't 99% of the time I ask him to come over and I don't really feel like a priority in his life. It does upset me that he doesn't really want to join in family events but I think that would change with marriage (his culture very much sees it as joining two families).
I wish I could see things clearly but I'm surprised you guys picked up so much from what I've said. I'm an idiot when it comes to men 
Thanks Notone, I don't know why I needed so many people to tell me he's a dick for me to realise.
The clincher for me was when I mentioned last night about us never going out together. He said fine but I would have to pay half. I agree with splitting the bill but the way he said it was like taking me out was a chore that he would agree to if it shuts me up (not what he said but how he made me feel.
Also, he didn't want to come over today as there are things he'd rather do (his words) then listed how much work he has to do. I can understand if he said he's busy at the moment and can we do another day but he never offers any solid plans, it's only if he feels like it.
He also mentioned last night how his ex girlfriend comes after his family and work (in that order). I asked where I came and he said it's not my business to know that.
I just said it was over and blocked him. He emailed saying 'I understand and I'm happy for you'. Man I wasted a whole year caring about this fool 
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