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Wake up dreading the yelling and sadness of the day(63 Posts)
Absolutely first thought on waking up today was -
"oh no, how many minutes til the screaming and tantrums begin"
and thats just my wife!
The kids are challenging but I feel boisterous more than bad.
They know their boundaries with me and behave 99% of time.
My wife cannot dress a 6 year old. She cannot oversee teeth cleaning. She cannot even brush her hair.
And I have now lost 99% of readers sympathy as most will be fitting and say I should do it or the kid should do it herself. I understand that
But when i'm away to work, she goes in to school filthy. She is late as 30 minutes of screaming at non compliance normally.
The neighbours have mentioned the daily yelling. Not in a nasty way.
Forgive me, but i have thought occasionally that I hope a neighbour report her/us to social services to bring situation to a head.
It's been like this 3 or 4 years. A neighbour where we used to live reported my wife 2 years ago and after a visit the social worker just dismissed the complaint. I had daily recordings on my phone at that point as genuinely I never thought anyone would believe how severe and harsh she is with our 2 kids.
I should do more you may say. I do 99% including all cooking shopoing and tidying up. She always has an excuse to be lazy.
I not ready to split as it's complicated financially.
I am not depressed. I just feel a deep pit dread each day. I work so hard to avoid confrontation each morning breakfasting the kids while she potters about for herself and showering which is mormal. But within 20 seconds of my going up to get dressed it all kicks off. The kids know her yelling and threats and falls on dead ears. I am blamed daily too ofcourse within this daily aggressive saga.
I have a wee cry in despair most days at this point. Just for half a minute - not a break down. I am typing this hiding in toilet for a minute as the battle commences downstairs.
The second I emerge a volley of abuse will be dished out and it will be all my fault. Again. It's grim here.
That sounds awful Stewart andis a form of abuse. No child (or adult for that matter) should have to put up with constantly being yelled at.
Has your wife always been like this? Have you tried talking to her? asking her what is wrong? Maybe when the DC are in bed tonight you could sit down with her and explain non critically that as a family you can't carry on like this and ask her what in her view can be done so that you all live together more harmoniously?
If your wife is genuinely as abusive to the kids as you say she is, to the point of wishing someone reports her to social services, then you have a duty of care to the children to protect them from her by asking her to leave or you taking them and leaving. You can't let her continue this.
The current situation doesn't sound fair on any of you, the DC in particular. If you feel that bad, imagine how they feel, waking up knowing the shouting will be aimed at them. I think your DW needs to move out, until she can sort her issues out, and control her temper.
Perhaps you need to ask for social services help yourself. Can you sort getting the kids up & to school each morning? I changed my job to a company with flexi time to enable me to do the school run. I'm lucky that i work close by so I'm at work just after 9, but i could get in by10 if i needed.
I think you should get things running for you & dcs as if your dw is not there & then it is up to her what she wants to do with her life.
It does sound a terrible situation!
She obviously hasn't always been like this or you would never have been with her in the first place. When did all this start?
I wonder if she has pnd that was never treated, it definately sounds as though she has some mental health issues, it's concerning that she doesn't seem bothered about dressing or brushing her hair.
Would you be able to get her to see a gp? You could also speak to your dc school, as they are able to access various agencies. None of you can continue like this!
Perhaps she is unwell, it's not nice to live like that.
My heart goes out to you, it really does.
Take your child and leave. Seriously. For your sake and your daughter's.
Your wife needs to know in no uncertain terms that you won't tolerate your daughter being abused.
It sounds awful and you very much need some support. And your wife clearly needs help - will she go to see her GP? Why can't she do things? Is she depressed or unwell in any way?
There's a lot going on here. If your wife is out of the equation for a moment, why is your 6 year old not sorting themselves out in the morning more? My ds used to turn into a devil in the morning, we were always late and for a while I ended up getting cross with him far more than I should have. We made up a sort of chart for what he needed to do in the morning and what order to do it in and he (usually) sticks to this fine now and needs a lot less input from me = everyone is calmer and we leave on time.
On re reading your post, i notice you work away. I think you need to do everything in your power to change this. Your children are only children for such a short time and as a parent it is your responsibility to ensure that they are safe, clean, fed and going to school (as a minimum) if your wife is not doing this you need to.
Sounds like depression (unless she's always been like this - in which case why did you marry her) but even if it is depression, abuse is never ok or excused.
Help her to get help. If she refuses, you need to leave and take your DC.
Agree you need to prioritize your DC over working away. Also agree perhaps ask ss for help yourself.
Your wife is not dealing with this in the right way and any screaming and shouting needs to stop. Be wary though of assuming you are doing something better with your own parenting that means the child obeys you. It is very common for children to push one parent (usually the one they see most of) much harder than another. I suspect breakfasting is an easier task in the morning than getting them dressed - have you tried swapping this round? What does your wife say when you talk (calmly, away from the dc) about all this? Does she see a problem too? How do you know the child goes to school filthy when you are not there? Do you mean in dirty clothes, or hasn't washed her face?
It sounds very much like a hormonal imbalance - PND or severe PMT. She could be transformed by antidepressants or beta blockers. They have their drawbacks, but I bet she too would love a break from the trauma and panic and hysteria day in day out.
Is there ever a calm time of day when you could suggest it?
Before you had DC was she more even tempered?
Did you have IVF treatment? (can play absolute havoc with hormones)
As a strategy, I'd suggest waiting until there's a break in the screaming and being really sympathetic towards her - say she looks like she could do with a break - make her a cup of tea or hand her a glass of wine and get the kids to bed. Take a day off work in advance, to sort this out. Next day help her get kids up and out (they will be hysterical if that's the norm. they need to learn how to get ready calmly.) Then walk kids to school with her and take her to some neutral place - a cafe maybe and explain how deeply worried you are and how you feel she deserves a break from it all and so do you and the kids. Really listen to her response. She might start all defensive but if you seem genuinely loving she might give you a glimpse of whatever hell she's going through underneath that causes her to behave that way.
If that fails, maybe go and have a private word with your GP.
Children should not be raised in that environment. I was. It really does take decades to recover from it.
Sounds awful. You need to get some help. Any family? Assume she isn't working? You may need to train kids up. Not ideal. Homestart do help. You may need to start reporting her as if you split she may get residency. Perhaps explain to school too. They might have breakfast club, or TA can help with things. So sorry to hear it is so awful.
Also people seem to excuse it by assuming depression. Might just be laziness
If things are as bad as you say, you need to intervene for your children's sake. They come first. However hard it is for you, it will be scarier, more upsetting and more damaging for them. Complicated finances are not a good enough reason to subject them to abuse. You have a duty of care to ensure that they are fed, looked after and sent to school on time. It's not your wife's responsibility any more than it is yours. If she is not managing it then you need to. I also think you need to be realistic about your contribution. You can't possibly do 99% of everything for the children if you work away from home.
You say that it's been like this for 3 or 4 years. What changed at that time? Why would your wife suddenly start behaving like this? Have you considered the possibility that she is depressed or struggling? Have you actually spoken to her and offered support?
I'm not trying to be harsh, but your OP is all about you. There's no acknowledgement of your children's feelings or the fact that your wife sounds utterly depressed.
Can the kids go away for a bit (overnight at grandparents?) for you two to set the new regime?
She isn't happy, kids aren't happy, you aren't happy. It can't go on like this. What does she want? What will make her life less angry?
Routine and a bit of home boredom is quite good for kids - knowing what happens when, no swings between screaming banshee and 'mummy loves you spoke much'.
Morning routines set the day - a chart with what happens when and rewards for getting things done (20p a day start, and pennies off for not getting dressed, to school on time, etc). Have everything put out the night before - clothes, breakfast stuff etc. No rushing around looking for socks or an iron.
Timetable is pretty key - give yourself more time than you think as there will be times when books get forgotten, holes are in socks etc and these should be addressed and not turn into a three ring circus.
Fucking hell op nobody is happy here, how has it continued for so long?! This is no way for any of you to live
Why do you think your wife behaves this way, is there a reason you can pinpoint?
Are you afraid of her? I'm wondering why you just take it, no offence intended at all Do you feel as though you are bullied?
Your post is very me-centric. No talk of offering any support to your wife. So you do the washing up - she needs emotional support at it doesn't sound like shes getting it. No wonder sghe battles.
That sounds absolutely soul destroying. Is your wife depressed or have any other MH health issues that she needs support for?
Leave OP. Take the children and leave this awful abusive woman. This is emotional abuse and there are programs in place to help you. No amount of financial complications is worth this - your children need to be safe and she is abusing them. You need to protect them. If she needs help she needs to get it, at this stage it's not your concern. Your concern is the children - they need you to protect them whilst they still can't. Sort out why they need help getting ready in the morning once they are safe, not whilst she still has access to continue the abusive behavior.
You need to break up and look for full custody. Everybody sounds miserable & your wife sounds dreadful. Do you speak to each other?
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