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Love life advice need!! Help!!

(11 Posts)
user1492195234 Fri 14-Apr-17 20:10:16

I am a single mum, my son is still in primary school. 9 months ago I met a guy online, as soon I am a single mum, my son is still in primary school. 9 months ago I met a guy online, as soon as I told him I was a mum he politely told me he wasn't interested in meeting anyone with children.

I understood and that was it, a few days later I looked at his profile again, realising I had spoken to him before I closed it down. He then messaged me saying he caught me looking.

We chatted most of the night, swapped numbers and continued talking. I felt a connection to this guy instantly.

A few days later after work we decided we would go for a drink, he still made it clear that he didn't want to date somone with children, I am not sure why we met.

Since that day we text constantly and see each other one/two times a week.

This suits me perfectly, my son stays at my mums on Thursday so every thurs I see him, and if we can add another day in we do if we can't we don't. We both are happy with this.

When we are together we get on really well. I should prob describe us both. I'm needy and insecure, as much as this arrangement suits my life I want more. I want him to call me his girlfriend, I want him to introduce me to his friends and family. I want him to meet mine. He has met my little boy and they got on great. He is very independent his 34 and lives alone. His never really had a girlfriend and says he was bullied as a child that left him emotionally disconnted.

I have fallen in love with him, we have always decided that if this was to happen it ends. It hasn't ended, he also said he'd never meet me or accept that I have a child and he is fine with that now.

The problem is he says he deeply cares about me, when I'm sad he wipes he wipes my tears. He is affectionate and lovely, we have a good sex like but are happy to just snuggle and watch tv. We go out as well as stag in. But here is the big problem!! He says he doesn't think he will ever love me!! He said he just doesn't feel it and he can't settle with me if he doesn't feel it.

I sound stupid and crazy I know that! But I truly believe he does love me and he either doesn't know that is what love is, he is really inexperienced in relationships or he is to scared as his been so hurt as a child to let someone love him and love them back.

I am certain there is no one else. However he does sometimes uses dating apps, I saw a message form bumble this morning and was devastated I said, I won't be a stopping gap till the right girl comes along, that he needs to come off of there or it's over. He said he hasn't been on them for months but decided to download it as I had annoyed him last week and he doesn't have conversations with anyone, it never gets past hello.

Iv been single on and off for the past 4 years and I know how hard it is to meet someone on these apps and I do trust his telling the truth.Plus I know where he is 95% of the time so I'm Not worried about that at all.

I said I can't continue if that's how he feels and soon as I made him decide he deleted the app and said I'm more important.

My question is do I follow my head which says you've been with guys with issues before run as fast as you can even if you will feel devastated or do I follow my heart that truly believes we are good together and he will come round.

I told him I was a mum he politely told me he wasn't interested in meeting anyone with children.

I understood and that was it, a few days later I looked at his profile again, realising I had spoken to him before I closed it down. He then messaged me saying he caught me looking.

We chatted most of the night, swapped numbers and continued talking. I felt a connection to this guy instantly.

A few days later after work we decided we would go for a drink, he still made it clear that he didn't want to date somone with children, I am not sure why we met.

Since that day we text constantly and see each other one/two times a week.

This suits me perfectly, my son stays at my mums on Thursday so every thurs I see him, and if we can add another day in we do if we can't we don't. We both are happy with this.

When we are together we get on really well. I should prob describe us both. I'm needy and insecure, as much as this arrangement suits my life I want more. I want him to call me his girlfriend, I want him to introduce me to his friends and family. I want him to meet mine. He has met my little boy and they got on great. He is very independent his 34 and lives alone. His never really had a girlfriend and says he was bullied as a child that left him emotionally disconnted.

I have fallen in love with him, we have always decided that if this was to happen it ends. It hasn't ended, he also said he'd never meet me or accept that I have a child and he is fine with that now.

The problem is he says he deeply cares about me, when I'm sad he wipes he wipes my tears. He is affectionate and lovely, we have a good sex like but are happy to just snuggle and watch tv. We go out as well as stag in. But here is the big problem!! He says he doesn't think he will ever love me!! He said he just doesn't feel it and he can't settle with me if he doesn't feel it.

I sound stupid and crazy I know that! But I truly believe he does love me and he either doesn't know that is what love is, he is really inexperienced in relationships or he is to scared as his been so hurt as a child to let someone love him and love them back.

I am certain there is no one else. However he does sometimes uses dating apps, I saw a message form bumble this morning and was devastated I said, I won't be a stopping gap till the right girl comes along, that he needs to come off of there or it's over. He said he hasn't been on them for months but decided to download it as I had annoyed him last week and he doesn't have conversations with anyone, it never gets past hello.

Iv been single on and off for the past 4 years and I know how hard it is to meet someone on these apps and I do trust his telling the truth.Plus I know where he is 95% of the time so I'm Not worried about that at all.

I said I can't continue if that's how he feels and soon as I made him decide he deleted the app and said I'm more important.

My question is do I follow my head which says you've been with guys with issues before run as fast as you can even if you will feel devastated or do I follow my heart that truly believes we are good together and he will come round.

WaegukSaram Fri 14-Apr-17 20:12:51

He says he doesn't think he will ever love me!! He said he just doesn't feel it and he can't settle with me if he doesn't feel it.

Sorry, but he's told you this, and repeatedly, by the sound of it. Why do you disbelieve him?

Let him go. As long as you're with him you're not going to meet someone to spend your life with.

user1492195234 Fri 14-Apr-17 20:17:17

I'm Not sure why I don't believe him. And his gone back on everything his ever said, it's so hard everytime I try he gives me that bit of hope.

It's hard I know your right but I seem to week to do it

WaegukSaram Fri 14-Apr-17 20:27:29

I'm really sorry, I can imagine it's really hard to contemplate leaving him, but he actually told you he didn't love you and never would. He actually sounds really childish, downloading a dating app because you annoyed him?!

I think you need to concentrate on working out why you feel you're not entitled to anything better than this non-relationship. Surely it's better to be single than put up with the crumbs he's willing to throw you and all the resulting angst.

Perhaps ask for this to be moved to "relationships"? You'll get more/better replies there.

user1492195234 Fri 14-Apr-17 20:42:17

How do I do that? Move It I mean?

its funny you say that, I am not with the father of my child for that very reason! I was strong enough to walk away from him.

I guess I hadn't ever thought of him like that. I just concentrate on what he does not what he says.

He is very childish. I blame everything in my head on his lack of relationships

WaegukSaram Fri 14-Apr-17 21:14:47

I've reported the thread for you and asked for it to be moved, hope that's okay.

If you're concentrating on what he does, look at it this way: he is still looking around for someone else. You're nice and convenient, a warm body and a placemarker for the real thing. I'd be shocked if he wasn't still looking. And yes, blaming you for downloading a dating app is hugely childish. DH pisses me off all the time, I've never felt the need to hop onto Tinder after an argument, that's not what grown ups in functional relationships do.

I wouldn't fall for his "I was bullied and that's why I'm so distant" schtick either. A lot of us were bullied/had shit childhoods and manage to have functional relationships. This line is simply a convenient excuse to hold you at arm's length.

ToniMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 14-Apr-17 21:26:08

We will be moving this thread to Relationships soon.

Sienna9522 Fri 14-Apr-17 21:34:20

Leave him and leave him now! I say this with experience. I stayed with a guy for a year, he wanted all the quirks of a relationship but would never label us as girlfriend/boyfriend. He also told me he would never love me, but sure as hell acted like he did. Looking back, he was a control freak and emotionally manipulative. I become obsessed with him, thinking the same as you, that I could change him and get him to commit. Your guy doesn't sound like he will commit and he's admitted it.

It took a girls holiday to make me come to my senses and cut all contact with him and my God I'm glad I did. I went on to meet the love of my life and now we have a beautiful 6 week old DD. Don't stay with him for the sake of a relationship, it might sound cliche but you'll meet the one for you soon enough. It'll be hard now, but worth it in the end.

user1492195234 Fri 14-Apr-17 21:40:20

That's what I'm scared of, it didn't work out with my sons dad or the next guy I was with. But deep down I didn't feel like I loved them.

Even as a little girl I didn't like being on my own. I'm 29 years old, with a 6 years old . its not like I'm young anymore.
Plus I really feel like I love him, it's different. I wish I didn't it would make it so much easier.

I knew people would say leave him, maybe subconsciously that's what I want to hear. It all makes me feel very confused and lonely and sad but when we together I feel the happiest Iv ever been.

Sienna9522 Fri 14-Apr-17 23:00:48

You can be head over heels in love with him, but if he doesn't feel the same, it won't ever work. No amount of time will change how he feels. And you can't do anything to change how he feels, believe me I've tried. If you carry on now it will make it harder in the long run. I know it's hard, I really do. You have my sympathy!

29 is young and it might feel like you'll never meet anyone now, but you will! It took me years and years but it happened. Please don't give up hope and don't waste your time continuing with your present 'relationship'.

Dozer Fri 14-Apr-17 23:06:42

You made bad decisions getting into and staying in a relationship when feeling "needy and insecure"; and in dating someone who stated that he didn't want a relationship with someone with dc and who clearly had "issues" making him likely not to be a committed, loving partner.

Best step away and go no contact.

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