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34, newly single and panicking I'm never going to get married and have babies

(31 Posts)
Lillybettx Fri 14-Apr-17 17:11:39

Hello ladies,
I really need some advice.
I am nearly 34 and five weeks ago my boyfriend of 14 months left me out of the blue. I was so happy and in love but he just left, knocking me for six. He has given me so real reason, he just says he can't make me happy. I think he's having a meltdown but either way it's totally over and I have to move on.
But i don't know if I'm ever going to meet someone and even if I do I will have to be in a relationship for at least two years before engaged, then a year before wedding and then at least another year before child. So if, hypothetically, i met someone literally tomorrow, we are still looking at me being 38 before a child arrives.
I'm looking for positive experiences from other women. I don't know when is too soon or the right time to start dating again. I feel like it's too raw right now but I know that time is of the essence.
Feeling very low that my future looks so bleak.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Xx

f83mx Fri 14-Apr-17 17:18:08

I'm sorry about your relationship breakdown flowers

- out of interest what is the fixation with the timings - i.e. 2 years before engaged, a year of marriage before having a child etc - you sound like you've got some very fixed and firm ideas in your head about how and when things should happen - try and relax a bit! When you're ready you'll know and start dating again but try not to be too fixated on the 'end game', sounds a little intense.

f83mx Fri 14-Apr-17 17:20:14

and sorry didn't mean to sound preachy - just meant try and relax a bit about meeting someone else as you're still raw from breakup x

Beebeeeight Fri 14-Apr-17 17:21:43

there's a time limit on babies, not marriage.

Which one is most important?

Lillybettx Fri 14-Apr-17 17:27:27

F83mx - it's not a fixation, I was just giving those timings as typical examples. When I look to my friends and family, it usually goes to those sort of time frames.

Beebeeeight - babies are more important. I can get married at 65 but not have kids!

inthekitchensink Fri 14-Apr-17 17:39:45

You do have time! But be ruthless about putting yourself first, and working out what are your non-negotiables in a partner, and what are your deal breakers. Get yourself sorted so you are well & healthy after your break up, lots of self-care, pursuing interests, counselling if you feel it could help you sort out any big questions in your mind.

Once you're feeling focused & strong, start dating. A lot. You need a thick skin and a sharply honed bullshit detector. Get on tinder, match, guardian, eharmony - whatever appeals, read up loads on old line dating, there are some really good threads on this site.

Date, date, date - keep it friendly and light, figure out those who are indecisive or overkeen or just shaggers and let those ones go quickly. Those you get on with but don't see as relationship material, keep as mates. They have friends and parties where you could meet someone, or you may find him in a different emotional place six months later, or you might be, while dating other people. This happened to me from a tinder date at 36 - lovely fun guy but not over his divorce and we agreed to be mates, a year later we were seriously involved and a year after that engaged, pregnant, got married & moved house to our lovely home. We are so happy with our lovely family smile It can and does happen. I hope this helps a bit.

EpoxyResin Fri 14-Apr-17 17:45:06

Although I was a bit younger than you when I became "newly single" (28), I was divorced - well, almost divorced because the fucker had run off to Australia meaning I couldn't track him down to divorce him! - so I felt pretty disadvantaged getting back out there, trying to find a good man to have babies with. Who wants to meet a married woman on internet dating??

Well, a good man did. I'm 32 now and we celebrated 4 years since our first date only days ago. We have a 22 month old ds and a dd on the way. We're not married, but if we ever find the money I'm sure we will be smile

It's not impossible if you take a pragmatic approach to getting things done.

Phoebefromfriends Fri 14-Apr-17 17:47:04

I'm sorry to hear that you have had a recent break up, break ups are the worst. I think you need to focus on recovering from this heartache rather than putting pressure on yourself to find someone new. You are more likely to date and commit to the wrong person just so you can fulfil the time line.

I personally don't understand why you need to wait a year between the engagement and the wedding, if you meet someone and want to get married you don't have to take a year to plan it, the most important thing is you are marrying the right person rather than playing princess for a day.

All the best OP you never know what the future holds flowers

MsMims Fri 14-Apr-17 17:51:46

I think your estimated timings are pretty accurate - it would be unwise to marry someone without dating them for at least a couple of years. Awaits messages from people who married after 6 months and lived happily ever after.

If babies are more important, would you consider using donor sperm? Doesn't mean you won't meet anyone in the future but takes the pressure off.

JennyOnAPlate Fri 14-Apr-17 17:56:59

You potentially have a good 10 years in which to have a baby op. In the nicest way possible; chill out a bit.

whitepatter Fri 14-Apr-17 17:57:16

I'm 37 and most of my friends who met men around your age got on with having children pretty quickly. It's not always planned but I think women are just aware of their biological clock and subconsciously things just work out that way. Many people have ideals about marriage, buying a house etc before having children, but it doesn't seem to have turned out for the worst for those who didn't stick to those plans.

If you are set on having dc there are of course other options, e.g. going it alone with donor sperm while your fertility is good instead of hanging around for a man. I know a couple of women who have done that and are very happy with their decision.

LadyMarmyLard Fri 14-Apr-17 18:07:13

Me and my DH got engaged, married and had 2 kids in 2 years. Chill out.
And if you keep putting pressure on yourself to stick to all these deadlines you might scare off any potential life partners.
You will be okay and you will meet someone else x

beekeeper17 Fri 14-Apr-17 18:10:12

I think when you're in your mid thirties, if you both want marriage and kids and the relationship is good, things often move a lot quicker than they might do when you're in your twenties. Obviously this doesn't apply to everyone, but I've seen it happen with friends and it happened with me too. We were married within 2.5 years of first meeting and tried for a baby once we got married. I'm 37 and am now married and have a young baby.

Once you feel up to it, get out there and start dating. I found it much more productive meeting people through friends and hobbies rather than out at bars.

nonameinspiration Fri 14-Apr-17 18:10:53

Don't worry. My friend met her do at 36, had her dc at 38 and 40 and got married at 41 maybe 42. They are very in love and happy. They were worth the wait for each other

christmaswreaths Fri 14-Apr-17 18:26:42

I agree, I split up with ex at 31 and had my dd1 at 32 whilst already married to Dh

We had known each other for a couple of years and once we got together things moved very quickly. We had 4 dcs and I was age 32, 34, 36 and 37 and I still feel like a young mum to them all as they keep me energetic lol 😁

Oysterbabe Fri 14-Apr-17 18:35:50

The timeline doesn't have to be as you describe. I met DH when I was 32 in August 2013, I moved in July 2014, engaged December 2014, married May 2015 and I returned from honeymoon pregnant aged 34. DD is now 15 months and we are trying for #2.

Give yourself a couple of months to regroup then get yourself out there and date. Join some dating sites, go on lots of dates. Most of these sites ask you to specify whether you want children so only date the ones that say yes, not undecided or open to the idea. You need to find out early doors which ones are on the same page as you. DH and I discussed wanting marriage and children on our first date.

noego Fri 14-Apr-17 18:41:40

Life isn't a spreadsheet or a microsoft project app.

It'll happen when it happens. Stop writing the script and let the script be written.

If you try to live in the future you will cause yourself much anxiety and your emotional health will suffer and who wants to be around someone like that?

user1483387154 Fri 14-Apr-17 18:43:30

I started my relationship with my H when I was 35, I am now 6 months pregnant and I am 40 this year. You have time smile

Beebeeeight Fri 14-Apr-17 18:55:57

The thing is you don't know how much time you have.

The best you can do is pay to get a scan of your ovaries etc to estimate your fertility/spot potential problems.

Yes some women can have babies naturally up to age 50 but no one here can promise you that you will be like that.

I wasn't prepared to risk ttc over 35 so had dcs under circumstances others wouldn't.

It's a choice I'd make every time.

alabasterangel Fri 14-Apr-17 22:34:41

Divorced <and crushed by it> at 36. Met DH 6 months later. Pregnant (purposefully, we'd both had prior fertility issues and didn't want to hang about trying), married, and pregnant again all within 2 years. We are still together and happy many years later!

Lillybettx Sat 15-Apr-17 00:18:23

Noego - I am not writing a script. Those examples of time frames are exactly that, reasonable examples. I found your message rude. I wanted people to give me examples of their time frames to put my mind at risk. I've just gone through another major break up and need a boost not a put down.

Lillybettx Sat 15-Apr-17 00:18:51

*mind at ease

Dragongirl10 Sat 15-Apr-17 03:39:32

OP l do think your worries are reasonable ...if you really want children l would not wait, some are lucky enough to conceive close to 40 but statistically many are not..
.take a look at the statistics, and have a really hard think about going it alone as opposed to hoping to meet the right person sooner rather than later.

I have many friends who waited for love and are childless in their early/mid 40s and it is heartbreaking to see.

INTHEKITCHENSINK has great ideas if going it alone is something you cannot face... but

I knew l really wanted children by 33, and was making plans to go it alone when l met my DH,
however, l was financially stable with a job that could be flexible and a home with a very low mortgage big enough for a family. I was prepared to move closer to support and change my lifestyle dramatically.

Because of my commitment to having Dcs, l spoke freely to Dh about my priorities pretty soon, as l was not prepared to settle down with someone who did not want children or assumed l had loads of time and left it too late..we started trying at 34.

as it turned out l had loads of conceiving issues and it took until l was 37 and 39 to have my Dcs....to this day l consider myself lucky beyond belief, as every year that went by my fertility was reducing...if l had known how fantastic Dcs were l would have tried earlier and had more!

If you really want this make it a priority, rearrange your life to make it happen, who knows you may meet the right person in time, but if not you will have your Dcs ..

INeedNewShoes Sat 15-Apr-17 04:19:57

Lilly - In 34 too and I fully understand your timeline. It puts a lot of pressure on you and a new relationship to know that you haven't got all the time in the world for TTC.

It took me a couple of years to come to the decision but I decided to put having children first and have fertility treatment to conceive on my own. I still hope I could meet a good man in the next few years and possibly would have another child then, but I've taken the time pressure off finding 'Mr Right' by making sure I've fulfilled my strong wish to have a child now and ensured that my judgements about who Mr Right is aren't skewed by me feeling I need to find him asap.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 15-Apr-17 04:31:31

Hey now, it's only been 5 weeks! You've barely had time to get your equilibrium back. Stop worrying about the future and concentrate on the present. Be kind to yourself. Relax and just start doing things to make yourself happy. Start going out with friends just to have fun. Don't worry about meeting a man. It'll happen when it happens.

I had given up completely. Then I met, married, bought a house, and had a baby all within 20 months. That was over 30 years ago.

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