Criticising your OH

[BarneyRumbleton]

Are you able to criticise or complain about your OH? How do you go about it in a nice, respectful way? DP thinks the way I speak to him is awful, but I think he's over sensitive.
E.g. Dishes are left for a few hours when it's his turn to wash up. (He does his fair share of housework.) Me: 'Are these pots waiting for me?'
Eg2 Me: Can you plug the dryer in please?
Him: I'd peg it out on a day like today.
Me: 'What, raining on and off?'

We're both under a lot of stress and I'll admit I'm not exactly Mary Poppins.

How do your Ohs take complaints, requests or criticism?

[CreamCheez]

Mine reacts badly. Thinks I'm watching him. I just say yes or no when asked to do something. I don't take it as a personal slight.

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

I'd find him irritating for not getting on with the chores, but i'd find Your way of calling him on it rude and unpleasant.

[ElspethFlashman]

I don't talk to him like that, tbh. I'd be unimpressed if he talked to me like that.

If he said he was going to peg out, I'd say "Do you think it'll hold off?" He'll say "I think so", I say "Ok".

And if dishes are left but I know he's definitely going to get around to it, then I don't mind.

[BarneyRumbleton]

How would you ask Cha Cha? In that example, I genuinely wondered if he thought it was my turn, but obviously didn't come across like that.

Re the washing, I was going to put it in the dryer, he wasn't being asked to deal with it, just plug the dryer in. I was a bit annoyed that he was telling me I was doing it wrong, rather than just plugging it in.

[scottishdiem]

DP and I share chores fairly evenly. Neither of us will call the other out on a chore not done a few hours after dinner or whatever. As long as they get done in time for the next meal or use or visitors or whatever.

Thats monumentally rude.

Dont know about the dryer question? Plugging something and saying please dont seem problematic - is there more to it than that? Requests made nicely should not be problematic - unless its well out their way or something in a different part of the house they are not it and not going to. Even then there can be good reasons for making the request.

The washing one seems a bit testy I suppose - answer could be "forecast says rain"?

[scottishdiem]

"I've forgot, whose turn is the dishes" without actually pointing them out.

But if plates etc have already been done then its being sarcastic.

[BarneyRumbleton]

So would you think it equally rude if he were to say things like: "They're your dishes, btw."
That's a fairly common one, to give a bit of context.
I genuinely want to figure this out. It all sounds very petty but it's an ongoing thing, that I have to think before I speak, and when I'm annoyed it tends to come out quite badly.

[ElspethFlashman]

It sounds like you're both pretty passive aggressive to each other, tbh.

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

With this washing up, I'd say "Who's turn is it to do the dishes?" although if it were only a few hours and I didn't need something then I'd probably not say anything.

No, I wouldn't think it rude if he said they were my dishes to do (presuming you mean it's your turn to wash up).

With the dryer, I'd say "I think it might rain so the dryer will be quicker." But I don't understand why you didn't just plug it in yourself.

[BarneyRumbleton]

Yeah, it's not good, is it? I don't intend to be. How do you go about learning another way? I really wish I could just ask something and not be met with 'whoa' or 'do it my way because I know best'.
Any books on this maybe?

[BarneyRumbleton]

The dryer plug is a bit of a faff as it involves running the cable through a window that I can't reach. I wasn't being lazy.

[MooPointCowsOpinion]

My DH is passive aggressive, but I've told him he is and that I don't like it and we've talked about how he can approach things more directly.

Can you have a calm chat about it? Living with an atmosphere is awful.

[ElspethFlashman]

Well you can only change the way you talk, you can't change him.

If he wants to continue being passive aggressive and arsey he will.

But you just have to stop asking him about domestic chores he's actually carrying out or fully intends to carry out. He is an adult, not a daydreaming 12 year old.

This is why if I see dishes and I know DH fully intends to do them, then I ignore them. Cos who made me the God of Timescales?

If he suggests you do something a certain way but you want to do it differently, just say mildly "Nah, Im gonna crack on I think" If he gets suddenly (and irrationally) bolshy, then I suggest you stop, stare at him with one eyebrow raised in exaggerated suprise at his overreaction, then say slowly "Are you ok?"

If he starts ranting, remember it takes two to argue. So don't. Just crack on.

You 100% cannot prevent someone becoming offended by you if they're determined to become offended by you

And if you are living with someone like that - is it worth it?

[BarneyRumbleton]

TBH it's very rare I ask him to do anything. He used to give me jobs all the time when we first lived together and I found it royally patronising and annoying, especially if he then went round after me doing it 'properly'. I took the approach of leaving him to do it his way.
Don't get me wrong, I do all the childcare, cooking, shopping and ironing, but those are things he doesn't interfere with.

[Dadaist]

Sorry OP - I just read your first couple of examples, and no you really aren't being very nice! In fact I'm surprised it's not obvious to you.
You don't seem to be aware of the subtext to the things that you say, that would be commonly interpreted by anybody else.
Just take the phrase "are those pots waiting for me ?' That is basically implying an accusation that your DH is hoping or expecting to avoid his turn to wash up, which is far more than merely being a bit slow or lazy un getting around to it. And it is both nagging and hostile.
I detect a certain 'barb ' in how are you are talking to him? I think you need to be careful because these things can fully wreck a marriage.
But if you want a way to consider your interaction with DH , can you imagine saying things the way you say them to DH to a friend, a colleague, or another family member.? I suspect not?, unless in a very playful and joking way. So - if you wouldn't speak to anybody else that way, don't speak to him that way either.

[crunched]

To avoid confrontation DH and I always use the dog, as in "Rover says are those pots waiting for him?" "Rover was wondering if you had plugged the dryer in yet" (Dog name changed as could be identifying).

It works for us maybe because we are very childish HTH.

[HarmlessChap]

It is bloody unpleasant but I don't think it's that unusual.

Certainly DW expects things done to her schedule and says that she can't relax until she knows they are done. She's not shy of nagging stating when I still have chores to do.

She works in an entirely female office where they all talk about their OHs. I've had text messages checking if I've carried out designated tasks, I replied yes and been told the whole office has given me a round of applause, she knows I find that unacceptable but it's their office culture to moan about having to micro manage thier supposedly incompetent males.

[Deathraystare]

DH and I always use the dog,






Well as long as Rover never gets blamed "Rover forgot to ask X to buy mayonnaise etc etc". Otherwise, poor Rover!

[PoorYorick]

There's a sarcastic tone to you that would probably rub me up the wrong way, to be honest. Why not just say, "Could you please do the dishes?" or "I don't know, it's raining a bit today so the dryer's probably the better bet."

[BarneyRumbleton]

There are other factors at play TBH. I am generally pretty angry with him for a number of reasons I don't really want to go into on here, and I guess that's coming across in day to day interactions.
But if I said "could you please do the dishes?" he wouldn't like that either. He'd take it as me insinuating he was being lazy.
It was annoying because I'd been cleaning up all day, made tea, gone to the gym and left the house spotless and came in to a massive mess. But I do get that houses don't stay clean on their own.
I need to have a word with myself.

[BarneyRumbleton]

Would you express annoyance and if so, how?

[handslikecowstits]

There are other factors at play TBH. I am generally pretty angry with him for a number of reasons

There's your problem. You're angry at him for some other reason and that's why you're sniping and snapping at him. Unless the other problem is resolved then you'll continue to do it.

Counselling?

[UppityHumpty]

Tbh you are being really rude to him. You should get marriage couselling before the verbal abuse gets worse.

[FritzDonovan]

OMG I get this completely. Oh makes coffee on the stove, boils over every time leaving burnt coffee splatters up the back and sides of the hob...currently at least a weeks worth waiting for him to clean up, because I know I'll get the pursed lips and bitch face if I mention it. I'll be damned if I'm cleaning it up though!

[BarneyRumbleton]

Exactly Fritz.
I'm open to needing to speak differently, but everyone's examples so far have relied on the other person agreeing. What if you disagree?