I often feel like I have missed my chance, many chances in life.
Yes, I have a lot to appreciate, most of all I have a fantastic good child and luckily no major health or money issues…. I know this is a lot, and I should be grateful…. But the sad truth is that half of the time I am down mainly because of the overpowering loneliness.
I am 37 and separated with husband 5 years ago… met someone lovely a couple of months ago, I write about it all in detail in my other thread and do not want to come back to it here; let’s just say, for the needs of this thread, that it is not an easy relationship to be in, but I am choosing to carry it on for a while.
Anyway, what I wanted to say is rather general… that I feel like I have wasted the last 5 years of my life… and I still didn’t find the way to be ‘happy on my own’.
Yes, throughout these 5 years I kept bringing up a child as a single parent, I bought the house, I have a fairly decent job. But I often feel so lonely, so empty and all seems so pointless…. Like I have this massive hole somewhere deep inside of me, the lack of significant other, that makes me feel just shit. I crave family life or partnership with a decent man but it’s just not happening.
I know, I should not be looking to validate my life through the presence/absence of a man…. I tried everything I guess to live a ‘happy full life’. I have friends and hobbies. I have done years of therapy I was on and off antidepressants (currently back on)…
Things have improved a lot. When I look at myself 5 years ago, I was a tired, overweight, sad woman wearing black dull clothes and supporting the life of my family practically on my own… while my then (narcissisitic) H worked and that was it… he blossomed, I was going down.
Now… I lost some weight, look better, younger, dress better. Make an effort to go out, visit places, try new things. Have hobbies. Yes, things are better. But they are still miles away from what they should be like, what I remember life was like in my youth or first couple of happy years with ex.
All my friends and family members are happily married or paired up. I have no one close who knows what it feels like to be abandoned by the person you trusted the most.
In the meantime 3 of my more distant friends split with their husbands or partners due to various reasons….
One divorced less than 2 years ago, H cheated. About 10 months ago she met a man, and they are in a committed relationship now, her two late teen kids met the guy 6 months into relationship.
Another friend split with long term partner in October, met a guy in November…. Now they move in together. She has got 2 young teens, introduced them 3 months on…
And I am thinking,.. what is wrong with me… why things are happening to people and not happening to me? What is wrong with me? I must be doing something wrong… and so on and so on. Now, I know that such thinking is wrong and leads nowhere… I have been addressing it in my therapy. I read a lot about self-esteem, attachment styles, NPD (story of me and my ex is a really fucked up one, don’t even wanna start on it, it’s over now). Yeah, so I am making an effort to improve things but I still have these moments of almost overwhelming sense of how pointless is my life and how lonely and broken I am because nobody, apart from my child, loves me. I know that objectively it is not true, I am obsessing and overthinking stuff… that’s why in every relation I start I tend to keep myself at bay, so I do not come across as needy and scare people away.
If you met me, I bet that 9 out of 10 people would see me as composed well rounded and a happy person.
But sometimes there come these lonely nights or Sunday evenings, when everybody else is with their dearest… and I just cannot find any joy doing things. Cannot focus on a movie or book, wine and chocolates don’t taste as they used to, bubble bath or bike ride is no fun…. I crave an intimate touch of a loving hand, cuddles on the sofa, company of someone who would care for me, I miss sex. I want to be loved.
I would want another child or children, I am 37…. It’s very unikely it will ever happen…
I realised recently that probably no man has ever loved me for real…
I have so much to give. And I do give to people… nature of my work, family, friends, my own child… people always praise me for being able to count on me and being there for them.
I would just like finally to be able to feel fully at peace with myself and it all…. Be able to find that ‘happiness within’ for good, not just faking it every now and then. I am so so tired or being not the happy me and not being able to find joy…
Any advice, positive stories…?
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
How to find that famous 'happiness within' despite being so lonely at the age of 37...
11 replies
myteadontlie · 14/04/2017 16:24
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.