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Depressive husband ?

(16 Posts)
Flowersarefun39 Fri 14-Apr-17 14:48:25

I posted sometime ago about how
My husband of 27 years had become very distant and addicted to phone especially whatap .obviously I initially thought that despite us having a great marriage before that he was having some sort of affair .Im sure 99.9 percent this is not the case .He has had bad night sweats and loss of libido and erectile dysfunction for this whole period .since xmas things have got progressively worse and he seems to distort the past saying we were never happy really that I just institunalised him and everything I did was in order to control him . I am on the possessive side but wouldn't get jealous of him talking to women such as him flirting with the waitress or anything like that .bit I would have objected to him going out on the piss every Friday night and going off to Spain when we had a young family which he seems to want to throw in my face everyday now .
He now has become very aggressive to me not violent but more in the way he speaks to me .He is quite off with our friends and has taken little interest in our home or our adult children ( who still live with us ) in recent months .Its like he is looking for something different .He says he use to look forward to coming home to me but no longer feels this is the case and although he loves me as we have so much history ( I dated him since I was 14 and we got married at 24 ) he doesn't like me and find it hard to look at me .Affection is non existent and sex is very rare and he never initiates it .
I am sure he is suffering from depression which he agrees to a certain extent but says I have done it and he would be fine if I laid off him and was a different person . Our closest of friends are astounded as we have always been so tight knit and he always seemed to adore me .
Finally yesterday he went to the doctors under sufferance .I wasn't in the room he wdnt allow me and they have instructed lots of tests .However when asked about his mood he just said he was fine out of the home only aggressive here ( untrue he can now be quite nasty to people in shops and restaurants etc) .
Has anyone experienced this , does it sound like depression , are people horrid to their love ones ? Can it be turned around ?
I'm desperate he is so vile and I keep on saying if I make him that unhappy he should go and he just says if he had somewhere to go to he would ! Then we carry on for a few days maybe a week before the incriminations come again - he thinks iv put a blight on his life . Incidentallyour children think he is completely out of character and is horrid .

NolongerAnxiousCarer Fri 14-Apr-17 14:58:38

The sudden change in character and the night sweats would concern me thst there was a physical health problem to be honest. Hopefully thats what the GP is investigating.

My DH suffers from depression and psychosis. When he's psychotic he can be agitated and aggressive, but the depression doesn't cause him to be unpleasant. I certainly don't think mental health problems are ever an excuse for abusive or unpleasant behaviour.

He's seen the GP now so hopefully they can investigate whats going on and help him with it.

noego Fri 14-Apr-17 15:14:20

Could be a number of things.

Something physical.
MLC and he is questioning his values, morals, life, etc.
He is in a controlled relationship and the worm has turned.
MH issues.
And all of them could result in depressive behaviours.

At least he has been to GP for a review. The blood test might show something up.

Isetan Fri 14-Apr-17 15:53:19

He's checked out of your marriage and is content to be the victim and you the perpetrator, fuck that! Seriously, he can be single if he wants but he doesn't get to be single whilst in a relationship with you. He needs to put his big boy pants on and start taking responsibility but given what you've written, it sounds like that's never really been his style.

You need to stop asking 'what's wrong with him?' and start asking 'why the hell do I put up with his crap'? Right now this might be a more extreme version of himself but it really isn't all that far from who he's always been.

You can't help someone who isn't interested in helping themself, let him perfect his Kevin the Teenager routine someplace else.

Flowersarefun39 Fri 14-Apr-17 16:12:15

Thank you for replies . Trouble is he has always been such a family man .He was devoted to us so for him to act so cruel literally is
Like I'm living with a different person .
Your right I have taken so much crap recently .

Adora10 Fri 14-Apr-17 16:22:14

* he doesn't like me and find it hard to look at me*

I know a lot of people with depression but he's just being downright cruel and nasty to you, tell him to go OP, you will end up with no self worth if this carries on; he appears to be on a one man rampage to destroy you, don't let him do that!

PitilessYank Fri 14-Apr-17 16:56:37

I disagree with PP in that I do think that a major depressive episode can lead to a personality shift, and a normally loving person acting detached, unkind, or even cruel.

Adora10 Fri 14-Apr-17 17:31:25

But surely Pit if he cared about his irrational behaviours he'd do something about it, instead of blaming the OP for everything that is wrong with him, I feel so sorry for you OP.

Flowersarefun39 Fri 14-Apr-17 17:47:02

He actually doesn't think he is acting irrational .He says he can't help the way he feels .But then says he loves me .
It is so out of character he has always been a laugh and I never known him to be like it .
My son actually worked with up to five weeks ago until they had a major bust up over his reckless driving .

PitilessYank Fri 14-Apr-17 20:08:12

Adora, you make a valid point but in my experience depression can skew one's worldview and priorities so profoundly that one actually really believes the depressive thoughts that come up.

Flowersarefun39 Fri 14-Apr-17 21:08:42

It does seem to have skewed his view .His
Language and tone have changed in all aspects of life and our kids no longer want to
Be out with him as they are concerned he is going to kick off . But he just says it's me and because of me that he is like it .I at a loss to
Know what to do .Yes i coukd walk away but he is the father of our children and we have shared so much in 35 years .we are the only family he has and I still can't bear to think of him alone .The kids have completely taken my side and tbh I don't think they would even bother seeing him .could a doctor persuade him that he is suffering with depression and convince him to take something .I just can't seeing him take anti depressants.

PitilessYank Fri 14-Apr-17 22:55:06

Flowers, I don't want you to think that I am encouraging you to put up with any abuse. But, as a person who has gone through several episodes of major depression myself, I often say that being truly depressed is akin to having a huge iron spike in your skull. The spike affects your thinking and behavior, but it is invisible, so you can't even recognize its presence, much less seek help for it.

I have been married to a darling man for 20 years, and we have four sweet kids, but during my last depression (some years ago, thank the Goddess) I became convinced that he was the source of all of my troubles and always had been, which was utter nonsense.

I was very resistant to the concept that I was depressed, and it took my husband and my best friend, combined, almost a year to convince me to get treatment. I started taking an antidepressant, and felt better very shortly thereafter.

VeryFoolishFay Sat 15-Apr-17 00:07:39

* I became convinced that he was the source of all of my troubles and always had been, which was utter nonsense.*

My DH had a major depressive episode a few years ago and we separated for a few months at his instigation. This is very much how he felt at the time but realised after a short while that his problems and feelings went with him. He got proper supper and we sorted the situation out.

VeryFoolishFay Sat 15-Apr-17 00:08:31

Sorry - support, not supper!

Flowersarefun39 Sat 15-Apr-17 08:07:38

Thank you very much for your helpful replies .

NolongerAnxiousCarer Sat 15-Apr-17 13:57:48

I think the main thing is he's seen his GP and if the tests don't find a physicalcause then they will likely explore depression. Whilst hes getting the tests etc I would ride it out. If he does refuse to take ADs if the GP recommends them and isnt willing to engage with other options such as councelling or cbt then you may have to make hard choices. But for now hhe's seeking help, so try to bear with him. Just make it clear you are not taking any crap in the mean time.

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