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Don't think I love husband anymore. Sexless marriage & cheated.

(47 Posts)
waterglass Fri 14-Apr-17 14:38:45

Not sure I love my OH anymore. So many things he does annoys me now and I actually can't bear him touching me. They must be things he's always done but I really can't stand it now and I'm so angry all the time. We've been together since 2002. The last time we had sex was January 2014, the night DS2 was conceived. Since then he's gone down on me twice and that's it. He seems to have no interest in sex, I have interest in sex but not with him.

We're more like flatmates together now, we don't kiss goodnight or good morning. We haven't properly kissed in well over 2 years. We don't hold hands, hug or anything. If he touches my hand even by accident I get a shudder as can't stand it. Little things I don't remember noticing years back (been together since 2002) really annoy me now. Clammy hands all the time, he's so hairy and refuses to do anything about it, his back hair falls out everywhere it's disgusting, he moans all the time about work, certain words he uses annoy me and in general unless we are talking about the kids we have zero to chat, there is no banter whatsoever. I'll go outside and chat more to my 60 year old neighbour and have more of a laugh with him in 20mins then I do with OH in a week.

Recently 2 exes got in touch after 15 years. One lives 400 miles away but we met up once when I was away for work and we had the time of our lives. Since then we've met up once more and are planning to early May again. He's married with kids and has no interest in being with me which is fine, we both know where we stand and are just after the sex. For me it's just nice to know somebody wants me. OH is so unadventurous and boring in bed and after having nothing for years it's amazing to be back with ex once in a while as we know exactly how to turn each other on.

The other ex lives abroad now and is also married. We fell in love years ago but were very young and had to go our separate ways (long story). We've been talking loads and sexting on facebook chat and he is planning a trip over here for work.

OH loves me, we have 2 young children and live in a nice area. I've thought about leaving him but I'm a SAHM and wouldn't be able to survive financially without him. I'm in a sexless marriage and need sex, I don't want it with him. Writing all this down I look awful and I know it. Please help, I don't know what to do. I'm really down, can't concentrate on anything and just feel stuck. I've felt this way for years but had never cheated till this year.

GuinessPunch Fri 14-Apr-17 14:40:43

What help do you need.
You are a liar, cheat and user.

Adora10 Fri 14-Apr-17 14:46:01

Your audacity is astounding, two married family men but hey, you need sex, fuck their wives and children; have you actual no shame?

FGS do the decent thing by everyone and split with your OH the you can shag all day and night but please have some respect for married people and their families; not once have you even mentioned them, unbelievable.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 14-Apr-17 14:47:59

Could you go to couples counselling with your DH?
A sex therapist maybe?
Have you told him how his body hair repulses you?
He can't improve anything if you don't tell him what you need from him.

You don't want to be with your DH so I would suggest looking to see what separation looks like.
You may get benefits, child maintenance etc....
What you are doing to him is not fair.
He needs a chance to go out there and find someone who loves him and wants to be him.

Isetan Fri 14-Apr-17 14:50:43

You know what you should do but you don't want to. Instead of planning to leave and getting your ducks in a row, you've opted for the easier EA's to keep you going in your sexless marriage.

Why does you want for sex justify inserting yourself in another woman's relationship?

There's no confusion here, just laziness and self entitlement. You are allowed to leave a marriage, it's called divorce.

Smurfy23 Fri 14-Apr-17 14:51:46

I think, as others have suggested, you need to get out of this marriage pronto. There is no need for you to potentially ruin other peoples families just for your own gratification. End your marriage, leave the exes alone and sort yourself out so that you are not unnecessarily hurting other people any more.

Goingtobeawesome Fri 14-Apr-17 14:52:52

It's obvious what you should do but you won't.

Cheating is horrible and the wife, sorry wiveshmm, will never get overnight it, nor will their kids when they only see daddy once a week and eventually not at all.

I get some of it. Dh and sex isn't as I'd want. I had a year of talking to my ex. I met him. Nothing happened as I'm married but if we were single it would have done. I made the right choice. You have made terrible ones. Own them and sort yourself out.

Pallisers Fri 14-Apr-17 14:56:06

Get out of your marriage.

Start building a life for yourself.

Stop sleeping with married men.

Midnightprobs Fri 14-Apr-17 14:57:22

Op try and see what you are doing.

You are unhappy as your dh doesn't want to have sex with you. But you are actively doing this to another woman - do you think married man #1 is being nice to his wife, she's probably in the same position as you - marriage disintegrating, husband doesn't want to have sex with her. Can you really not see this cycle? Perhaps your husband is having sex with someone else?

Either you fix your marriage (by mutual agree,ent) or you end it. Either way do not collude in the destruction of other people's marriages. It's gross.

FrenchLavender Fri 14-Apr-17 14:59:08

Recently 2 exes got in touch after 15 years.

Really? What, just like that? What an amazing coincidence. It's funny because I have traced almost all of my exes via the internet/social media just out of curiosity but I haven't contacted any of them, nor would I. And not one of them has contacted me either.

It's weird how you just 'happen' to have had two exes contact you when you are gagging for a shag, isn't it? Do you think they are psychic? hmm

ems137 Fri 14-Apr-17 15:01:33

I ended up feeling like that about my now ex husband. I went completely off him and the thought of having sex with him made me cringe.

I didn't cheat, although once I started getting attention from other men it gave me the kick up the backside to finish things with him.

I've never been happier! And when I hear some of his comments about his current wife all I feel is pity towards her.

NameChangeShamed Fri 14-Apr-17 15:02:45

So to put it bluntly; you're using your husband to keep you financially stable whilst being a SAHM but sleeping with anyone who looks twice?

Try splitting up with your husband (the poor sod, despite his issues deserves better than your tramp like behaviour) get a job and support yourself whilst you go around destroying families and sleeping with whoever you feel like.

I hope when your two exes see the light and get rid of you you realise how disgusting your actions are.

gamerchick Fri 14-Apr-17 15:07:19

Once you're repulsed by them touching you it's game over.

I've thought about leaving him but I'm a SAHM and wouldn't be able to survive financially without him

This ^^ is fucking selfish. You don't get to use someone for money and use married men for sex. You and especially your husband deserves to break and find someone else. Grow up!

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Fri 14-Apr-17 15:07:36

Get a job, stop shagging married men & let your DH go so he can find someone who loves him back.
You're using him, shame on you.

Bluetacic Fri 14-Apr-17 15:08:05

How did you meet your first ex whilst you were away for work when you are a sahm?

CharlieBoo Fri 14-Apr-17 15:14:35

You sound horrible.. I'm sorry but you do.. grow a pair and stand on your own two feet and let him go so he can get someone who does want to be with him!

OnionKnight Fri 14-Apr-17 15:15:33

Stop being a user and divorce him.

Adora10 Fri 14-Apr-17 15:20:49

It's weird how you just 'happen' to have had two exes contact you when you are gagging for a shag, isn't it? Do you think they are psychic? hmm

Isn't it just....

PointlessUsername Fri 14-Apr-17 15:27:30

If you find DH so repulsive, Leave.

Simple as that really.

Crummyfunnymummy Fri 14-Apr-17 15:29:32

Ok, you sound Iike you don't love your husband. In which case you shouldn't be with him. In fact you sound like you don't actually like him. So you definitely shouldn't be with him!
I call this as I see it and I make no judgement on you as a person.
You sound as though you will never be happy with him. Don't you deserve more? Doesn't he deserve better? Your kids - don't let them grow up seeing loveless relationships as the norm! I did with my parents and it did me no favours!
If you were single you could enjoy dating/sex without the guilt ( I might suggest you hook up with people who are not married themselves as this is asking for trouble!) and yes, in order to survive financially you might not be able to continue as a SAHM but being independent can be liberating and exciting! Hard to adjust at first maybe but worth it to live life as you want without the guilt. Your kids are not benefitting from you staying together. Your marriage sounds like its past repair so you have some difficult decisions to make.
Good luck xxx

Asmoto Fri 14-Apr-17 15:29:46

Your choices seem quite clear -

a. Ditch the other men and try to patch up your marriage
b. Divorce your husband and get a job so you can support yourself
c. Carry on having your cake and eating it (until sooner or later your husband twigs and, if he has any sense, chucks you out).

I would go for b. but only you can decide what you want.

Kikibanana86 Fri 14-Apr-17 15:29:53

Why do you think you would be unable to support yourself financially? Have you looked into it? You may be surprised.

I agree with others that you need to leave this marriage.

maras2 Fri 14-Apr-17 15:33:37

Granny had a phrase for people like this.
'Morals of an alley cat'
< not my granny as she was far too polite >
Really though waterglass Have a word with yourself.You know that it'll end in tears.

WhooooAmI24601 Fri 14-Apr-17 15:42:38

Surely you know by this point that staying someone simply because he funds your lifestyle is going to get you a bit of a verbal kicking on here? It's a shitty way to speak about someone you must have loved once.

You don't seem to have much on an AIBU though; do you want to change any of this? Do you want to leave him and try to figure out what you want/need on your own? Do you want to continue living as you are with a blessing from MN that it's actually your DH's fault because he's not interested in sex?

waterglass Fri 14-Apr-17 15:51:07

Thanks for replies. OH doesn't keep me, I have my own money from a business I sold 10 years back, I look after myself but this money would run out at some point and as I'm SAHM now don't know what I could do. I do still have feelings for him but think the love as a marriage should be is gone. I don't expect a MN blessing at all. If I hadn't seen this guy I know the responses would be very different, I know it was wrong but after nearly a decade with nothing from OH I needed to do something about it. Yes they have wives but this is not all on me, they are also in the wrong. I've mentioned counselling and the things about him I mentioned etc, he refuses to enter into any discussion about it and says everything is just fine as it is.

It was a coincidence yes, both got in touch within a month of each other. I hadn't contacted either in years, no reason to lie about it.

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