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DP & passive aggressive strop about sex

(51 Posts)
Gertrudeisgerman Fri 14-Apr-17 09:25:55

I posted recently about DP's ED and my self esteem and got some good advice. So thought I'd ask for thoughts on this situation.

Last night DP initiated sex as usual. It was very late (after midnight) and I'd had 2 bottles of beer and a rough week at work so I was wiped out. DC's had gone to bed late too so, yes very exhausted.

I started to respond to his advances and all was fine but then he asked me to do something to him but it was very apparent he was completely soft. I persevered for a short while but then gave up. I was knackered and just couldn't face it and asked if we could stop and just have a cuddle instead. He got up grumpily, swore and slept on the sofa.

This morning I'm sad. I don't know what to say or do? Should I just ignore the issue? Thanks for listening to my moaning. Completely stuck in the mud with this.

Shayelle Fri 14-Apr-17 09:33:35

Ignore the knob til he apologises.

MrsELM21 Fri 14-Apr-17 09:40:00

Ugh, his issue not yours

Gertrudeisgerman Fri 14-Apr-17 09:42:58

He will say nothing about it. I can guarantee. In fact, he will get up and say he is going home.

I have a rare 3 nights off, with no DC's (their dad is taking them on an Easter break) so I was looking forward to spending some proper time together and really talk about stuff but I can't see it happening now.

Isadora2007 Fri 14-Apr-17 09:46:39

If you hadn't stopped would he have been able to become aroused again? What was he intending on doing with a flaccid penis?
I'm sorry but I cannot see how this relationship is going to work if he ignores the huge elephant in the room that is his ED...
yes he will be ashamed and embarrassed but it's not okay to throw that onto you in anger and ignore you or punish you.
Would he consider counselling? Has he seen a Dr? (I think you may have said before he has had some testosterone patches but they don't work?)

TheTabardOfDoom Fri 14-Apr-17 09:52:11

The getting up, the strop and the sleeping on the sofa ie making it your fault would be the end for me. What a pillock.

Gertrudeisgerman Fri 14-Apr-17 09:53:34

No, he hasn't seen a doctor. He hasn't done anything that he said he would (lifestyle changes).

I don't know what he intended to do or how long he wanted me to keep going in the pointless hope he'd get aroused. I'm not a performing seal.

What's pissed me off is he isn't thinking about how I feel. He's just ignoring it because that suits him.

Hellofromme Fri 14-Apr-17 09:56:00

Is this typical of what happens? If so and he is not prepared to do anything about it, I don't see the point.

DevelopingDetritus Fri 14-Apr-17 10:09:13

He's not making any effort to change the situation, so you'll have to OP. ASAP, I wouldn't waste anymore of your precious time on him to be honest.

Ikeameatballs Fri 14-Apr-17 10:12:51

Get rid of him.

It's not the ED in itself that's the problem, it's his response to it.

gamerchick Fri 14-Apr-17 10:13:33

Let him go home. When he does tell him you'll be having a think about the long term of your relationship.

I know men need a lot of hand holding around erection issues but they need to help themselves and go to the GP.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 14-Apr-17 10:30:18

Three days with no children and no moody man. That's living the dream. Go out with some real friends. Go out and do something you love. Sit in your joggers in a face mask binge watching Netflix. The world is your oyster.

Willow2017 Fri 14-Apr-17 11:09:19

If he isnt adult enough to face up to his problem and do something about it now he will never do it and always blame you for it. It isnt going to go away, do you want this scenario to continue?

Its not like its something nobody has ever had before, his gp will have seen it loads of times. How does he think it will improve. by magic?

If you have tried to get him to do something before and he has not bothered even with your support then tell him until he grows up and sorts his own problem out then dont bother coming back as you arent his whipping boy for HIS problem.

Forflipssake2 Fri 14-Apr-17 11:12:56

@RunRabbitRunRabbit grin

category12 Fri 14-Apr-17 11:19:38

As runrabbit says. If he's going to huff off, get planning some fun for the weekend. You did nothing wrong and don't deserve the brunt of his ill-temper. So let him go, and when he gets back in touch, tell him that and that he must go to the gp.

Gertrudeisgerman Fri 14-Apr-17 11:24:31

Well, I talked to him.

He point blank said no to going to the GP, he says it's psychological not physical and I've made it into a bigger issue than it needed to be by talking about it. He said I obviously didn't want to have sex with him anymore, I shouldn't expect him to be rock hard all the time confused and he didn't have this problem with previous partners. But a few weeks ago he said he had? At which point I cried, not helpful. He says he is very attracted to me but I've blown up the issue and made it much worse. He says it's his age and his lifestyle too. I have told him to go home.

Was I being unreasonable to be concerned about his attraction to me, should I not take it personally? I have never experienced a partner having ED before, I didn't know how I should have reacted. I can't see a way to sort this out, if he won't make changes or address it. It continues to erode my self esteem so what can I do apart from end the relationship?

Gertrudeisgerman Fri 14-Apr-17 11:26:28

I also wonder if it's my expectations? My last boyfriend was 28, DP is 41? Perhaps I should be more understanding of the age thing?

rainbowrd Fri 14-Apr-17 11:28:14

I had a boyfriend with this issue. He wouldn't talk about it and it was awful. Massive contributing factor to the demise of the relationship (the not talking and making me feel unreasonable for talking about it, not the ED).

disappearingfish Fri 14-Apr-17 11:29:45

It's not an age thing. 41 is no age at all. What are the lifestyle factors?

AntiGrinch Fri 14-Apr-17 11:31:40

"made it into a bigger issue than it needed to be by talking about it. "

I think this is the problem - not that you talked about it, but that he really can't bear to talk about it with you.
He isn't open enough with you for you to work out how to have a relationship under these circumstances. If he wants to be part of your life, then this is part of your life, and you need to be able to talk.

He is lucky to have someone who wants to support him, and he is a fool to be throwing this away - but he is

category12 Fri 14-Apr-17 11:33:31

If it's psychological, why is that reason to do nothing about it? (Also a dose of sildanefil from the gp might be just the ticket to get over a psychological block).

He obviously has no care for your feelings and what it does to you, and claiming talking about it is the problem or makes it worse or not having a problem with previous partnees, is weaponising it against you. Not nice at all.

Older guys are more prone to ed but there are things they can do. He doesn't want to.

Personally I would be thinking of binning him off.

scaryclown Fri 14-Apr-17 11:35:57

I don't know where the idea that men are 'auto hard' before any action of ego boosting or flirting comes from!

I think this is a simple one, both of you are fucking knackered and in the words of the amazing nick cave it sounds like your heart and souls are famished... work on that, be nice to each other.

I’m sorry it’s just rotten luck
I’m sorry I’ve forgotten how to fuck
It’s just that I think my heart
and soul are kind of famished

www.nickcave.com/lyrics/nick-cave-bad-seeds/let-love/thirsty-dog/

ButtonmushroomEx Fri 14-Apr-17 11:37:34

Nope, not always an age thing. My partner is 42, four years younger than me, and I don't really see that as old.

It's sad that he does have a problem, but unless he's prepared to do something about it, it's his problem not yours.

Personally I think the "didn't happen with other women " comments are bullshit.

The way he tried to put all the blame and focus on you was downright bloody ridiculous. Stropping off in a huff is avoiding the issue. Refusing to see a doctor or change his lifestyle means he doesn't really care enough about a fulfilling sex life with you.

For me it would be a huge turnoff to give oral to a perpetually flaccid penis, and to get myself aroused with no chance of reciprocal intimacy.

And his attitude would give my clitoris ED to be honest.

Turf him out. You are a single mum with enough on your plate. Don't take on another big baby that isn't worth your time.

And as Rabbit said upthread...you've got a chocolate engorging weekend to yourself. Enjoy it. brew

Topuptheglass Fri 14-Apr-17 11:39:34

41 isn't old.

Dh is 41. He's a young'un wink

Get rid of him. He sounds like a prick.

Gertrudeisgerman Fri 14-Apr-17 11:43:24

scaryclown you are way off the mark. I don't expect him to immediately present me with an erection! Last night I tried to get him aroused, it was completely flaccid. I can't keep doing a sex act for hours to get it to work. I was knackered and tbh demoralised.

I do want to support him with it. I really do. But how can you support someone who won't acknowledge that this issue is impacting on the relationship and partner? I feel like an unattractive, useless freak. I have massive issues with sex anyway due to childhood abuse. This is just setting off a whole world of shit in my head because I feel ashamed.

His lifestyle factors are he smokes heavily and drinks 3-4 units of alcohol every night.

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