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Handholding needed

(12 Posts)
pudding21 Fri 14-Apr-17 08:26:10

I have posted on here a few times about my EA relationship. I left 9 weeks ago and its been a rollercoaster of emotions. We have been through periods where I feel like we are getting somewhere in building a relationship (not a romantic one, but a near healthy ones for our boys).

I went over last night, and he has been reading and trying to change his thought processes. He still proves to me he listens but he doesn't hear me and his needs are above mine. Its also clear he cannot have a friendship with me because he wants more and he is angry and upset that at this stage I cannot tell him that I would want to try again.

I am not feeling like I want to return, but I told him that if we tried to let it takes it natural course, perhaps way way in the future if I feel he has changed his attitude there may be a very small chance we could reconcile (I know, i know, they never change).

So this morning he text me to say remove him off facebook, take off my ring and only communicate about the kids. Why do I feel so shit when essentially its what I need and want?

How do I move forward and stop being such a doormat? How do I put myself first? I do love him, seeing him hurt rips out my soul. Any wise experienced mumsnetters have words of wisdom? I know that if we reconciled it would be wrong, how does it hurt so much?

Secretlife0fbees Fri 14-Apr-17 10:43:49

Pudding, you know you need to cut ties with him. Feeling sad and hurt even grief about what might have been is totally normal. You put a lot of yourself into this relationship to get nothing out - it's a complicated process isn't it?
But listen, you need to focus on you and your dc. You're trapped in this guilt and obligation thing. As you know I am at a similar stage to you and it takes a lot of strength to keep it going but you KNOW this is what you and your boys need.
I think he is right about blocking him/taking your ring off finally (I'm sure he's saying it to get a reaction from you of course but still it's what needs to happen).
You have a right to be happy and if you can't build that life with him in it (and you have proof thT you can't!) then you have an obligation to yourself and your kids to make that life anyway - a better, more solid and safe one that YOU control.
Honestly he will never never never change. You need to be brave and get past this milestone. flowers

Secretlife0fbees Fri 14-Apr-17 10:47:28

Also, that pain you're feeling... that is good. Use it, give yourself the time you deserve to heal properly. You can't expect to go through something traumatic and years of EA and feel nothing. I have almost felt like my emotions are coming back, I'm allowing myself to feel what I need to feel, the things I never had space to feel before because I was always worried about HIM and how it was my fault and what I could possibly do to make things right. NO MORE.
Get yourself some counselling and stop feeling guilty - that misdirected guilt is the reason he has kept you trapped for so long - let it go x

Adora10 Fri 14-Apr-17 16:26:09

They never change and his attitude towards you after emotionally abusing you proves he is still with the same mindset; he's still trying to manipulate you; you need to stick with it OP or else it's all been a waste of time.

Adora10 Fri 14-Apr-17 16:27:13

Above all, you need to love YOU more than him, especially when he has continued to hurt you; think of your hurt, caused by HIM.

Hermonie2016 Fri 14-Apr-17 17:47:30

It takes a while for the love to fade and his text is the realisation that the marriage has ended.

It's grief for what should have been.Its 5 months for me and sometimes the grief and fulity of it hits me.I'm sad that it ended, mostly for my children even if it's the right path.

It does get easier but it isn't linear, lots of up& downs and going backwards emotionally.Re read your original posts or a journal of his behaviour as that will help to keep you focussed.I find our minds often goes back to the happy times however I then recall feelings of when he was being abusive and gives me a reality check.

Bumshkawahwah Fri 14-Apr-17 17:51:23

I disagree that the text is him realising his marriage has ended...more than it is an attempt to panic you or control you.

It sounds very much like he hasn't changed one iota. Stay strong...I think you will be much better off without him.

mysinkingheart Fri 14-Apr-17 18:05:54

Hey pudding have been wondering how you were doing but not been able to be around MN much lately.

It does sound like he is trying to make you feel bad. He knows you so well after all. And I remember how bereft I felt taking the ring off for the first time as it symbolised so much.

But it's only as sad as you let it be. By that I mean, it is truly sad that things didn't work out, especially with DC. But it's not sad that you're getting away from an emotional abuser who is still trying to manipulate you. That's positive and a healthy message for your DC, even if they only get it slowly and unconsciously. I know you know that.

It's separating those two things out that makes it hard as we can feel too sad, tired, foggy-headed to leave completely.

And he knows that. Only once that connection to your feelings is shut down will you be able to grieve properly as it sounds like he's keeping you in undecided territory..out if guilt maybe?. I think you need to reduce contact now. New cheap phone for only his texts and calls? So you can decide when to look? I don't know what solutions are best as we're all different but first step is to truly stop discussing it now.

He shouldn't be angry with you in this situation, that's all you need to know.

Both hands for holding available. You can do it wineflowers

pudding21 Fri 14-Apr-17 20:21:57

Secretlifeofbees: thanks for your words, I know you are right, how are things with you? The emotions I am feeling are off the scale, one minute I want to kill him, the next I want to hug him, then I want to scream at him. Last night he was trying to tell me he saw where I was coming from but then just minimised again. I know why he is doing it, because he is hurting, but I just want him to say " I give you the space to try and move on and sort yourself out".

Adora: working on the loving me part. My self esteem is rock bottom in terms of knowing who I am anymore. I know I need space to be able to get through that and I have been looking at techniques to rediscover myself again. My tactics up until now have been to keep on keeping on, keeping myself busy. But its just delaying the inevitable hurt I know I need to express and get it all out. I have a lifetime of burying my emotions for fear of upsetting people. I hate confrontation. I need to have confidence in myself, believe I am who I am. I realise being TOO nice, can be the biggest downfall.

Hermonie: I was keeping a journal and I keep re-reading my posts. I think I need to get the journal out again. Pleased you are getting somewhere after 5 months. I feel the grief is starting to hit, he said last night he just wanted to be with me, to go on holiday with me, to be together for the boys. I understand that, i do too. But fact was those times were never really happy for me, especially the last few years.

mysinkingheart: thank you, I know he is going to start getting nasty now. He is testing me and I need to stay strong.

I was so clear I wanted to try be there for him, to try help him (he is in a bad place). Last week he accused me of an imaginary relationship with a guy I was talking to at a Karate competition of the boys. This guy, I didn't even know his name. He has obviously been stalking facebook as he said his name yesterday). It was madenss I was just chatting to him...........and his wife!! He also asked me again yesterday if there was anyone else. I know he is clutching at straws so he doesn't have to accept his behaviour.

Thanks lovely ladies for the reassurance. I just don't have it in me to be so tough and disconnect. I was hoping for an amicable seperation, but I know he won't allow that, for now anyway. And I guess i have to let it be that I can't fix this for him.

Happy Easter, I get the boys back tomorrow for a few days, I feel empty without them sad

wawaland Mon 17-Apr-17 05:05:29

Hi puddings. I don't usually reply but our stories are so similar. I have two kids and was in an EA relationship for years too. I was forever trying to fix my husband and making special allowances for him. Looking back now he acted like a child and I took on the parent role with him. Probably could be labelled as co-dependency... my husband could never cope with the idea of me leaving and it would result in me feeling sorry for him. After awhile he would always return to disrespecting me and taking no responsibilities for the family. I finally did get away but under difficult circumstances. Although I can't describe how painful it all has been I am happy I am free today

pudding21 Mon 17-Apr-17 08:34:02

Hi wawaland: thanks for replying. I feel like he is a man child. He has no responsibility for his actions. Can I ask how you got away and how long did it take before he accepted it?

So the weekend was horrible, I was being bombarded with love messages, and in between angry messages, one phonecall was particularly bad when he called me a bitch. He was drinking heavily and laying on the guilt. Yesterday he sent me a goodbye message, he knew it would make me worry so i called him. I know that was the wrong thing to do, but I had to feel like I atleast showed him I cared.

He has proved to me he is incapable of loving and respecting me by his words and actions and I can see that more clearly now. I didn't expect that after the initial relief I would feel this guilty. I have looked online to see if I can get some counselling in native english online. Yesterday I told him he needs to learn to love himself and he told me to stop sounding like a counsellor. I need to stop trying to make him realise what he has done, stop questioning if it was indeed abusive (of course it is but I have nothing to compare it too).

The extraction is going to take a long time and its going to be painful, I know that. So onwards and upwards, gorgeous day here today so off to the beach with a friend and to chill.

I need to focus on the positive things that have changed for the better, here are a few:
1. Kids were happy yesterday doing their easter egg hunt i do every year and eating chocolate for breakfast. Previous years he would complain, moan and then go on and on about the kids eating the chocolate and restrict them (overly).
2. This morning the eldest made me a cup of tea in bed, he would have gone on and on about him not being capable. I left him to it (he's 9 and he did a great job).
3. We were at the beach for 3 hours yesterday, no moaning no complaining, just peace.
4. We can have pasta two days in a row without him complaining he doesnt want to eat the same thing two days in a row.
5. I can go to the gym this morning and take the kids without feeling like I am enroaching on his day.
6. I can sleep all night without snoring or feeling raging resentement.
7. I called my friend for a giggle at 10pm last night, no judgement.

Positive reinforcement is what I need now, thanks for all the replies again, its much appreciated.

Repeat: I did the right thing, for everyone even if at times it doesnt feel like it. Happy Easter Monday smile

wawaland Mon 17-Apr-17 09:50:35

Hi OP. You sound like a wonderful mom and I truly believe you are doing what is best for you and your children. I didn't go into detail about me and my husbands story as it is a long and very complicated one. I would advise you though to think about getting immediate help (someone else involved) next time he makes serious threats. You will never be happy if you do not follow through with your decision to leave him. He is responsible for himself

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