Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Over weight dh(24 Posts)
I love my dh to bits and can't ever imagine myself being with any one else but he has put so much weight on and it's steadily rising every year.
When I me Him he was was carrying a few extra pounds but I didn't care he has an amazing beautiful face and was/fantastic.
He weighs nearly 20 stone now and I don't fancy him any more. His weight makes him snore so bad he sleeps in another room, his weight effects our sex life and his hip joints are bad. He is only 35.
He promises every Saturday - usually after a massive blow out on take away that he will start healthy eating on Monday - now he doesn't even try. He is in denial about his weight, he weighed him self last night and swore it was water and would be half a stone lighter by morning - obviously he wasn't.
He will spend a week going to the gym then eat extra because of the
few calories he apparently burnt off.
I think he has a problem with food. He will order two main meals under the guise that it's the same as two starters and we can share but he wolfs it down and even sweats and gets out of breath while eating. He can't drink water so drinks fuzzy pop, at one point he tried with sugar free but know just doesn't give a shit.
Am at a loss now what to do. I can't leave my dh because he made himself obese
But I don't think it's fair he has done this to himself.
I'm going to have a talk with him tomorrow , any ideas?
Like any major life change he has to do it for himself. I think all you can do is point he'll end up diabetic and die young if he doesn't change and the you love him and don't want him to end up like that. That and being supportive as and when he chooses to tackle the weight.
He needs to see a doctor and a nutritionist NOW. He is eating himself into an early grave. He needs a HUGE wake-up call.
It's tough, you need to let him know you still love him but want him to be happy & healthy. Don't focus on the weight if you can make healthy changes the weight will come off. Suggest going to gp for health check or going to a Nuffield gym for a health mot. They will check weight blood pressure etc some men find that easier then gp.
Set a physical challenge like a sponsored walk / run & do it together so you can train as a family. Pick something personal to you both so you both motivated to do it. I'm overweight & I know I won't get there without support from DH, i struggle to believe in myself & it's during the tough times I need support.
Tackle one thing at a time, fizzy drinks is addiction, get him to swap coke for fizzy water with squash to help. If he likes take away make a healthy version at home, it's not going to be easy but can be done.
I could have written the OP. My husband is overweight and getting bigger. I've struggled with my weight too and am very aware of how I would feel if DH spoke to me about the fact I was getting fatter (I'm doing something about it now and am getting thinner!) but it is getting bad now.
My DH also snores and sleeps in a different room. He joined the gym and didn't go, downloaded the MFP app and doesn't use it.
It's so hard OP because we can't make them lose weight...
I'm literally sat awake at the moment because DHs snoring is keeping me awake from a different room and was thinking about this exact issue and how to broach it. DH's doctor told him to lose weight when he went to see him about the snoring but he just won't.
I have no answers OP but am in the same (rapidly sinking) boat...
OP I'm in your situation. I posted a thread on here a while back. Lots of posters saying you should love him just as he is ... Unfortunately my DH knows how I feel but doesn't care enough to do anything about it. I'm sometimes tempted to suggest an open marriage so that I can have sex with someone I'm attracted to... He could do the same.... Sorry to derail !
fluffy it's no joke is it? I actually had a chat with dh this morning. I told him his weight was effecting our relationship and he is too heavy at this points. He took it fairly well. He has promised to get back in the gym Monday and go on SW . I've heard this before though I'm just hoping now I've said it's effecting our intamacy he will do something.
I probably sound horrible but if he had a drinking problem I wouldn't be expected to keep quiet about it.
I've just had a baby and I'm going gym and what not to get weight off so if I can he can.
Also I don't what m kids to think eating like this is normal.
Who buys the food for the house.
If you don't have all the unhealthy treats in he can't eat them. He would have to make an effort to buy them.
It's hard. He has got to want to do it.
20 stone is a lot .
He's in denial surely.
He can't be happy with himself deep down.
Hi Sarah, yes I have posted a while back and got the same response, I think it's because weight is quite a taboo subject on here.
Does he say he wants to lose weight? What would he say if you said you wanted open relationship
He's just got into the habit of overeating and thinks the gym burns off more than it does.
Sounds like he isn't upset about you bringing the issue up, which is great.
Sit down together and think up painless changes you can get started with TODAY - giving up sugar in drinks, using a sweetener if that's what it takes, stop drinking calories - calorie-free only, pile the veg up and lower the fattening food so plate still looks full.
Once some of the weight starts shifting, he'll likely be more motivated to make other changes.
If he could get into weights at the gym, he'll increase his muscle which will lead to more efficient fat-burning. However, he shouldn't assume he's burning many calories off and eat more.
Dowser that might have nothing whatsoever to do with who buys the food - my DH ate very healthily at home but had a car boot full of absolute crap food that he'd stuff himself with.
He had a real shock being diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes followed by a DVT and a pulmonary embolism that only failed to kill him because it was too large to move into a major blood vessel. He lied to the doctors in hospital about how active he was (he rarely walked further than from house to car, spent all day in the car etc) until they pointed out he wouldn't have got a DVT if he'd walked as many miles every day as he claimed).
He did lose some weight and would walk with me (I do at least 4 miles a day) but it didn't last long. I guess that until he wants to there is sod all you can do.
I buy shopping and honestly don't buy shit. He will buy extra food on way home from work. Not neccasarly unhealthy but it's the sheer volume of what he eats as he has to be stuffed/bloated when he finishes.
He lies about what he has eaten during the day. I've even made his breakfast and took lunch up to him but if he has meeting he will choose Fridays or if his team have done well will order pizza for office and uses that as excuse. If he goes on a SW diet or calorie app he uses the excuse he didn't know it wasn't in plan etc...
It's just crap excuses though.
It's irritating though as when my dc leave found on their plate he will encourage to eat it all even if they are full. Which I've put a stop too.
He was very athletic younger and was great at his sport but had an injury and the weight started piling on.
His mother though is very skinny and defanatly has eating disorder. They are both emotional eaters.
flora honestly talked about all those points. I'm doing weights at the moment and bought him kettle bell last weekend but he hasn't touched it. He needs to work on his portion sizes that why I don't think SW works for him.
Wow, Jazzy no wonder you're frustrated!
Has he seen himself in photos? Or a video?
I find photos really help me to see myself in a way the mirror doesn't. It's quite an eye-opener at times!
It's so very hard isn't it ? My DH did go through phases of saying he wanted to lose weight - but these were only after id asked / suggested / encouraged / pleaded. Now I've given up asking . However recently I've told him that I don't want to have sex as I'm not in the mood for it. He did not ask why I'm not in the mood .... It's very very early days but he has done more exercise in the last couple of days than the last 6 months . I really won't hold my breath as he always gives up. I too hate the example this sets to the kids. Re the open marriage I know he would hate for me to have sex with someone else. Realistically I can't see it happening but equally the thought of a sexless relationship for the rest of my life... Depressing
"He was very athletic younger and was great at his sport but had an injury and the weight started piling on."
Maybe he was using exercise to lift his mood and when he stopped being able to do that he turned to food to get the same effect.
It sounds like he could do with going straight for the psychological angle, in order to address the cause rather than constantly trying to stay on top of the symptoms. Maybe by seeing a counsellor who specialises in eating disorders. But again, he'd have to want to, and that sounds like it's the biggest problem.
Best of luck, Jazzy.
I have this same issue with a 20st, overeating DH. It makes me sad but it's so tough to know how to help. We shop and eat healthily at home but he buys treats and snacks. I am not overweight and tend to be constantly on the go so can eat reasonably big portions/treats without gaining pounds. I think a lot is down to bad habits growing up which are hard to break. He never learnt moderation, or about healthy choices and will stand up to eat and doesn't really seem to enjoy his food. I was taught to sit down and enjoy whatever it was I was eating even if it was just a snack. I think this leads to a better awareness of what you're eating. We joined a bootcamp and used to go swimming or out for long walks every evening after work but since having kids one of us have to stay with the DC. He struggles to get motivated to exercise by himself. I am so exhausted with work, children and looking after the home and myself (chores evenly split) that it is hard to try to help him too :-(
I would be so interested to hear a blokes perspective on this ... I do think to a certain extent weight can be a harder issue for women due to the changes caused by pregnancy and then BF... But I cannot understand how someone could see the issues it causes within a relationship but still do nothing about it .
My DH knows it's an issue (my concern is health and how long he will live, I still find him attractive - he is a tall, broad, muscly - when he does do a bit of exercise/activity - guy) when we met he had a PT and was on a strict exercise/diet plan but I think the main motivator was being single and wanting to look good. Just wish he had the motivation to get started again. It does seem harder for him to lose and keep the weight off though and I think it is also partly down to genes on one side of his family. Am really hoping that our kids don't end up with the same issues :-/
I would be so interested to hear a blokes perspective on this ...
The perspective I've avoided posting up to now is imagine the reaction if a guy came on here asking for advice on how to encourage his DW to lose weight and said he doesn't fancy her much now that she's fat!
I wonder if there's a bit of a viscous circle going on, is he picking up on the fact his DW doesn't find him attractive any more and is compensating by comfort eating?
Harmless I honestly don't think the answers would be hugely different, as long as the wife hadn't just given birth or whatever!
OP, it doesn't sound like his issue is not caring about his weight, or not wanting to do it for himself (or for you). With a mother with an eating disorder and having had to give up something he loved and possibly defined his younger years (sport) could he have deeper issues to be addressed first? Could counselling help?
It can also be very tough to go to the gym or whatever if you're overweight. In my experience, other gym users are supportive but those who are overweight often look very self conscious and this will possibly reduce the value of it. I appreciate you have a child to take care of, but could you perhaps swim together a couple of times a week? Or walk? Not a concentration on losing weight, more on doing things together? Also, and this is a bit left field, one of the best things my husband and I have ever done together was a little cooking course-years ago now as it was a wedding present but we've always cooked together since then (when he's home!) Neither of us is naturally slender, we have to work very hard at it, but I always find I eat less if I've put loads of effort into making it.
Sorry, I'm jabbering now. Good luck OP
He has to metaphorically hit the wall himself like i did. I went from 21 stone down to 11 stone.
I keep the weight off by only indulging on special occasions and eating healthily over 90% of the time. Christmas Easter and our birthdays (there is only me and DH) i have a little of what i fancy.
You might find this thread an interesting read OP I find it very telling that its not been as active or fast moving as other obesity threads though.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.