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Tell me if my sharing is normal?

(35 Posts)
nonameinspiration Thu 13-Apr-17 20:18:27

Dp made another comment last night that I overshare. I disagree. I have various close friends who I confide in about whatever it is I need to talk about. I think this is normal. Dp thinks it's actually wrong or they were the most recent words used.

Part of this stems from me seeking support from very select friends about The Issue that affects dp and I relationship. Obviously he is v uncomfortable and has had a go at me a few times. My last response was that I will fucking well talk to people about things which are affecting me and he can just deal with it. I was very selective and it's not as if a dozen of my friends have come up to him in the street and said oh I heard about blah etcetc. That was xmas and he's not brought this up again. That was so far down the route to controlling behaviour I was raging.

Dp does not have close friends and doesn't discuss problems with anyone except me and sometimes my mum. He has dozens of mates but rarely talks to any of them about much if anything. The Issue had caused so much stress i really wish he would talk to someone about it so it isn't always me.

Is it me or him that's normal?

blondiebonce Thu 13-Apr-17 20:23:15

Men are often very different with this kind of thing so I don't think it's worth comparing how you both "deal" with things.
In this case I think it depends on the actual issue. If it's regarding say, your sex life (I.e. Erectile dysfunction) I see his point. If it was something like he was flirting with another woman and you were upset and needed to bounce ideas off your friends that's different.
I'm an oversharer. If it's your problems/things you're over sharing that's fine but it's when it's someone else's private life you're sharing you'd be wrong.

Astro55 Thu 13-Apr-17 20:24:32

Depends what the topics are and if the chats include him

ScarletForYa Thu 13-Apr-17 20:25:20

Well, it's normal for you.

I'm like your DP though, I don't feel the need to share anything with people so that's normal for me.

However, I understand everyone isn't the same as me. But I'd feel very uncomfortable about my DP sharing stuff about our relationship. But I suppose if I didn't know it'd be ok.

It's hard for me to understand why you have to though, even though you feel you do.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Thu 13-Apr-17 20:26:06

Maybe he worries about being in their company when they know so much of your relationship goings on.
Him being more private than you isn't wrong. .

nonameinspiration Thu 13-Apr-17 20:26:11

I knew ED would be thought of! No nothing like that more a parenting issue which is his but has deeply affected me. I know that's really unclear but it's not fair in him to detail it on here. But god no I wouldn't be blabbing ed or something that personal!

nonameinspiration Thu 13-Apr-17 20:27:55

That was an example though. What he was saying yesterday is that I share too much in general. About me not necessarily about him.

Penfold007 Thu 13-Apr-17 20:33:07

I agree with your DP. You disclosed the personal details of your relationship with some friends without his permission. Normal for you but not for me.

pompodd Thu 13-Apr-17 20:34:45

Hang on, OP. You're happy to share things about him with people that know him, but you draw the line at sharing something on a completely anonymous internet forum because you think it would be "unfair" on him??

I'm a very private person so I think I'd be uncomfortable with what I considered to be private/intimate/family things being shared with others. But as other posters have said, I guess it really depends on what exactly is being shared.

WeAllHaveWings Thu 13-Apr-17 20:37:30

When you say issue, do you mean something he isn't handling well? I would not be happy if my dh was discussing my parenting flaws with friends.

BackforGood Thu 13-Apr-17 20:39:37

I'm a chatter. I have friends I talk to a lot. I can talk to them for a whole weekend given the chance but I would totally respect my dh's right to privacy and not talk about our relationship with people who know him and are going to judge him. That is wrong. Him not wanting you to break that confidentiality is not controlling, it is a normal regard for someone's privacy.

wouldthatitwere Thu 13-Apr-17 20:40:44

My fiancé has expressed in the past that although he would sometimes rather our arguments/disagreements were kept between us as it's his business too, he also acknowledged that if I feel the need to rant or get it out by talking to my best mates then that's my perogative. He knew it wasn't for him to tell me who I could confide in and about what.

StrawberryJelly00 Thu 13-Apr-17 20:46:20

How does your dh know what you talk to your friends about?

So you can't keep the confidence of your husband or your friends?
I used to be in a relationship where my OH talked about our issues with his friends and then reported back to me what they said.

I was furious, hurt and betrayed! These people did not know me personally yet had all these views and judgements on me which my OH thought was okay to share

It was NOT ok! A relationship is between two people, by all means talk in confidence about an issue with a close friend but keep their opinions to yourself otherwise it starts to feel like more people are in the relationship that need to be.

Respect your husbands privacy and right to private life and listen to his feelings on this

nonameinspiration Thu 13-Apr-17 21:29:34

No not a parenting flaw and no not like people reporting back nothing like that. It's not really a relationship issue with it's something going on in our lives I guess.

I think my thoughts are that if I told everyone I know plus the postman about it I would see his point. What actually happened is that I confided in 2 friends and my mum that x situation was going on. Friend a might as well be family. Friend b provided a solution of sorts by recommending something which dp immediately took up and this moved the situation on quite a bit. Dp doesn't care about what my mum knows.

Apart from friend b information there wasn't anything to report back.

nonameinspiration Thu 13-Apr-17 21:33:11

Strawberry I see what you are saying -my exh did thing which I felt were very disloyal as you describe. I don't want to be like that at all.

Also my confidantes were people who know dp well - not strangers by any stretch.

Dp is extremely popular in my community - my friends all really like him the two I confided in had nothing but sympathy.

I have found this thread helpful. Trying to see it from the other side.

RandomMess Thu 13-Apr-17 21:36:01

I think both parties need to accept differing levels of openness.

It doesn't sound as though you are particularly an over-sharer more that your DH tells no one anything!!

I can't stand over sharing/people being intrusive but nothing you've said sounds like that is the case?

rumred Thu 13-Apr-17 21:45:45

Always useful to get other perspectives on a tricky issue, hence forums like this...

As long as he accepts you deal with things differently you're OK but when someone dictates who you tell what to, in my experience that spells trouble

TheStoic Thu 13-Apr-17 22:15:48

Are you complaining to them? Or looking for support?

The former is, in my opinion, disloyal and not on. If it's the latter, that is more understandable.

Although I'm extremely private, and would not be thrilled about either scenario.

nonameinspiration Thu 13-Apr-17 22:21:07

Oh god it's definitely looking for support!

TheStoic Thu 13-Apr-17 22:24:37

Well you have the right to do that, if that's what you need.

He has the right to not be thrilled about it. Neither of you are wrong. It would be good if you could both be mindful of the other's needs, and perhaps meet somewhere in the middle.

HeddaGarbled Thu 13-Apr-17 22:43:56

What you share about yourself is entirely up to you. I suppose, the way to judge whether you over share or not is to compare with what those same friends share with you. If you're all similar, then that's what's right for those friendships.

His stuff, though, is different. He's asking/telling you not to share his personal stuff. Without knowing what the stuff is (and that is really not an attempt to get you to tell on here - I think you are absolutely right not to), it's difficult to advise. If he hates the idea of other people knowing, that's a valid point of view but on the other hand, if he is putting an unreasonable and excessive burden on you, you are right to seek support with it.

Can you say something along the lines that you are struggling to deal with the issue yourself and therefore if he doesn't want you to seek support for yourself, he needs to seek support from other sources, whether personal or professional, as well as from you?

People who work in counselling and similar professions have this thing whereby they get regular meetings with a colleague to discuss how they are dealing with all the stuff they are getting from their clients and to support them with it. This is because it is obvious that no human can take just carrying the burden of other people's problems without it affecting them as well. Your H is using you as his counsellor, and you in turn are turning to your friends to help you deal with the burden he is putting upon you.

amaranthie Thu 13-Apr-17 22:50:48

It really depends on what you're sharing. If it's something deeply, deeply personal then I would understand him not wanting you to tell friends, even really close ones. However I agree with other poster that if you need support then you should be able to get it somewhere e.g. counselor.

nonameinspiration Thu 13-Apr-17 23:03:48

Hedda. I ended up saying X has affected me as you well know and I need to talk about it! I wish it hadn't been so heated at the time but he didn't bring it up calmly. He saw a text in my phone from friend a saying how is dp now? So nothing that controversial in my opinion.

I don't share at a level beyond my friends but we've pretty much been through it all together - not many taboos left! I feel grateful for my friends.

Dp has never betrayed any trust with me and it's a welcome relief after no loyalty exh but the flip side is I wouldn't mind if he talked issues over with a friend - I would be quite pleased!

BackforGood Thu 13-Apr-17 23:03:58

I'm not wanting to know your situation OP, but just for argument's sake -
I've known several couples who have struggles to conceive. I think it is commonly a real bone of contention that some people feel embarrassed / upset / don't want people to know, and others need some support from someone really close to them. More often than not it is the man who doesn't want people to know and the woman who needs the support - not always I'm sure, but that's been my experience.

In that sort of a scenario, I think you have to talk to just one person you really trust, and say to them in the first instance that your dp doesn't want anyone to know, but you just need to talk to someone, and you can only do that if you are 100% certain it will go no further, and never be raised with your dp. If the dp has expressly said he doesn't want people to know, then you have to put that limit on who you can talk to - which ever person in the couple it is that needs to talk and whichever doesn't want to.

HarmlessChap Fri 14-Apr-17 01:00:36

Isn't it all about respect?

Whatever the issue he's stated that he's uncomfortable with you discussing him with your friends but you don't respect how he feels so he has to get over it.

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