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would you stop doing something if your partner didnt like you doing it?

(89 Posts)
AprilSkies44 Thu 13-Apr-17 19:55:18

its not a biggie but im curious. i dont do much thats terribly bad for me but i do like a couple of glasses of wine most days in the evening.

normally dp is fine with this and has a couple with me or if hes feeling very health conscious will pass.

he often comments on the size of the glass and ive ended up weighing it to prove the amount im having.

he doesnt like me drinking and he says after 2 glasses im annoying, repeat myself etc so if im with him i stop at 2.

last night i let my hair down a bit because he was working and i wasnt. i had a bottle over several hours to myself. while relaxing, watching tv, mumsnetting... i actually considered hiding the bottle because i knew he would mention it, but then i thought no, im an adult, and didnt.

today he inevitably commented that id drunk the full bottle. i said yes. i had. i will now be abstaining altogether for the next few days. he also mentioned id eaten some chocolates. i said yes i had. (i rarely eat sweet stuff but had 2 easter eggs - one from him and one from my adult dd)

i got silence and he chucked a few things around the kitchen as he was cooking. i asked what was wrong and he said it upsets him. (the fact i drank a full bottle of wine - dont think he was bothered about the choc!)

now he is very health conscious but there are some things he does that i dont like, however i would never tell him what to do or make him feel guilty for doing them.

people do comment that i get "told off" a lot....its jokingly said but is is quite disapproving of me sometimes (always sleep related (too much!) or exercise related (too little) or booze related..(too much!)

if you knew your partner really hated you having more than 2 drinks, would you stop at 2 always? would you quit altogether?

he isnt controlling, he just worries about he health aspect. (i do find it easy to over indulge but i make a conscious effort now not to - except for the very odd occasion like last night)

thoughts welcome.

AuntieStella Thu 13-Apr-17 19:59:31

How much are you drinking?

Really how much. Because even from your description, in which I'm guessing you are trying to make it sound normal, it actually sounds like a heck of a lot.

And he's been trying to show you this.

There's an alcohol support section on MN, which you might not be ready to face IYSWIM. But if you are drinking most days, up to a bottle a day, you really are in risky territory.

And I'm not surprised that someone who loves you would try to make you see that.

Fluffybrain Thu 13-Apr-17 20:01:13

You say he isn't controlling. But it sounds like he is to me. He has no right to tell you what to do or how to behave. He has no right to tell you off or joke at your expense. This is emotionally abusive behaviour. How long have you been with him?

Bananamanfan Thu 13-Apr-17 20:06:21

I think you're drinking a lot, op. I might have 2 glasses on a friday or Saturday evening, but even that doesn't feel too healthy. I'm really grumpy the next morning.
Alcohol is a class 1 carcinogen.
I do drink a fair bit more 2 wines on a night out btw.

sitonyourbottom Thu 13-Apr-17 20:08:35

Mmm I have to say I think a few glasses of wine 'most nights' is a lot... I would be worried if my husband was drinking that much and that regularly.

Emphasise Thu 13-Apr-17 20:13:18

He's worried about your health and drunk people are annoying when you're sober.

Up to you if you want to change that though.

I tell DH when he's drinking too much and occasionally ask him not to have a drink because it makes him snore. Does that make me controlling?

drquin Thu 13-Apr-17 20:16:38

I guess it depends on whether you think he's got a point ...... is it really "just" a couple of glasses, does he have a genuine concern about your wellbeing? Or is he just making an issue because it's not something he does, something he thinks his way his better ?

Sammysilver Thu 13-Apr-17 20:20:34

I think he's right to be concerned about your drinking levels. I'd be the same if my DH consumed those levels and especially if it affected his ability to communicate coherently with me. Weekends/ nights out - fine. But at home during the week isn't great, TBH.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 13-Apr-17 20:21:01

My dh went on ADs and therefor stopped drinking. He wanted me to stop drinking too. I didn't drink much to begin with so it wasn't much of a step for me to stop. I did stop, but I also had other reasons of my own- my mum was an alcoholic and I didn't want to risk going down that slippery slope (we have dc).

It seems he is asking a lot regarding the drink and the food and the might throw him a bone and choose one to pay attention to (on your own schedule).

Otherwise he sounds pretty controlling/ treating you like a child. Not good.

Cherrysoup Thu 13-Apr-17 20:22:54

A bottle on your own is a hell of a lot.

He says you repeat yourself and you're annoying. Do you think he's right? I wouldn't want to annoy my dh and having seen my 'd'm get incoherent, repetitive and extremely boring on a couple of glasses, I much prefer her to not drink too, so spend very little time with her as she won't stop, we are very lc.

TileTileTile Thu 13-Apr-17 20:31:01

A couple of glasses most days is a lot. A whole bottle to yourself even over a few hours is a lot. No wonder he is bothered.

Sounds like you're using wine to help you relax/wind down most days. Perhaps you could find a better method of relaxing and save the wine for the weekends i.e. None during the week and 2 glasses on a fri, 2 glasses on a sat.

AprilSkies44 Thu 13-Apr-17 20:34:32

its never normally a full bottle - it really is just a couple of glasses usually and its not every day. he is ok with that usually.

i could drink every day. and i could drink more but i really make a conscious effort not to because i know its bad for me , so i dont. a bottle in one evening was a one off. i really dont drink that much usually.

he is big into exercise and health and fitness and im not. i would cycle with him but he is impatient and wont wait for me, he does massive bike rides of 10 hours, he really is very healthy conscious and i think it bothers him that i do things he thinks are unhealthy - like have wine.

he wants me to be fitter, and healthier generally i suppose. im not overweight but i find it hard to get enthusiastic about chia seeds and 200 mile bike rides.

weve been together 3 years. happily i think - it just bothers me that it bothers him so much and im wondering if 2 glasses of wine is really a big deal. (i know the bottle was bad....)!

wouldthatitwere Thu 13-Apr-17 20:34:53

You're an adult and he really doesn't have the right to make comments on what seems to be quite a lot of what you do. My worry there is that the more he does that, the more you're going to question your own decision making process. He is not your superior in anyway, but maybe thinks he is?

mrsBeverleygoldberg Thu 13-Apr-17 20:35:12

This sounds like he's worried about your health. You do seem to be drinking a lot. I had a reaction to medication that caused jaundice. I felt the illest I've ever been. It felt like dying. Kidney failure there's dialysis, liver failure is usually death. Alcohol causes liver failure. The liver can regenerate if you give up alcohol.

Isetan Thu 13-Apr-17 20:36:44

There are two separate issues here, there's his controlling behaviour (not just about your drinking) and then there's your unhealthy alcohol consumption.

Given what you admit to drinking, you're probably drinking more than the recommended number of units per week for your gender. You've become accustomed to using alcohol to 'relax' and now are drinking most days regularly,

It's time to tackle your drinking and the parent/ child relationship you have with your H.

Shoxfordian Thu 13-Apr-17 20:38:13

I don't think it's anything to do with alcohol or how much you drink..I think it's all about control and him feeling he has the right to tell you how much you should drink

Is he usually controlling about other things too?

AprilSkies44 Thu 13-Apr-17 20:38:34

thanks folks. food for thought.

Kikikaakaa Thu 13-Apr-17 20:42:40

You are kind of admitting you have a relationship with booze that could verge on unhealthy and you have to purposefully excercise control over it. It sounds like he may well have a point.

It's hard to know whether he sounds controlling or concerned

Can I say from someone with a poor relationship with alcohol that that is indeed, More alcohol than is good and you may need to really think about that. Then perhaps you can address whether it's also a controlling DP or a worried one

Kikikaakaa Thu 13-Apr-17 20:44:38

If you drink too much, you will sleep too much and eat more IMO, it's all linked. Also he says he doesn't like drunk/tipsy you. I'm not always the fun drunk person I think I am either. On the dry thread we call it the Wine Witch

Mum2jenny Thu 13-Apr-17 20:51:32

I agree with Shoxfordian. It's about control. As an adult it's your choice if you choose to drink too much, not his. However for your own piece of mind, it may be worth monitoring your alcohol intake over a few weeks to see if he does have a point. Then address it if you think it is necessary.

Aderyn2016 Thu 13-Apr-17 20:58:06

I think the OP is a grown woman and she can decide for herself how much to drink - what is unhealthy here is the OP feeling she needs to measure her wine to appease her partner or hide things because of his disapproval.
If other people are saying she gets told off a lot, that implies he is controlling more tfan concerned!
I don't think it is possible to be happy in a relationship with someone who doesn't share the same outlook on exercise/health/ drinking etc unless both parties accept the rights of the other to choose and don't try to change them. Seems to me the OPs dp won't accept her as she is and constantly badgers her to improve.

Fluffybrain Thu 13-Apr-17 21:02:13

"I got silence and he chucked a few things around the kitchen"
This is not good.
He does not own you. He does not own your body. How much wine, chocolate, exercise and sleep you have is totally up to you. I would find this behaviour unacceptable from my husband. And would not be with a man like this.

Lochan Thu 13-Apr-17 21:02:44

The recommended alcohol intake for women per week is 14 units.

Assuming your "glass" is a standard 175ml (which it probably isn't tbh) that 2.3 units per glass.

So if you drink 2 glass every night you are drinking 32.2 units per week. More twice the recommended limit.

Your DH is right. You are drinking far too much.

You need to cut your drinking by more than half.

Lochan Thu 13-Apr-17 21:05:03

I meant to say, I don't care if it's "controlling" I wouldn't find that level of drinking acceptable in my DH.

RoseAndRose Thu 13-Apr-17 21:06:04

It depends on whether her couple of glasses are 125ml or 250ml+ (which they easily could be) and whether not every day means 13 out of a fortnight, or 2 out of a week.

I rad the OP's comments as someone minimising an alcohol problem.

Which makes her DH reasonable, because living with a heavy drinker is damned hard, and someone who loves her despite that is an absolute bloody star.

But if it is light drinking, then yes of course it would be quite different. But if it were, would OP be describing it in those terms?

AprilSkies have you ever used an app like the Drinkaware one?

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