Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ex not pulling his weight as per.....

(5 Posts)
CharliesMummyMCAR Thu 13-Apr-17 15:41:09

Hi everyone,

New to this again so sorry if I don't get all the DS DH DP things right also sorry for ranting feeling very upset currently and disappointed on my sons behalf.

DS is 6 next month, his dad hasn't bothered with him for years and I asked him to start seeing him again the start of this year (2017) ex doesn't drive or have a house (30 years old) ex's family haven't bothered with DS since his dad hasn't bothered. Dad sees DS Wednesday 3.30 - 8pm and Sunday 5- 8pm at my house. He does nothing with him, he doesn't take him anywhere, he doesn't play with him, if a mither him too or if I leave the house and leave DS with him he will make him tea but not if I don't pester him too all he does it sit on his phone watching DS play xbox. Occasionally when he is at my home I go to my sisters child free or do something but recently ex has been saying he needs to leave early therefor I cant do anything and quite frankly I am sick of him my reasons for this are:-
1) We planned that child together, he fucked off I stepped up for 5 years but I need some fucking time alone too
2) He sees DS at my house because "he has nowhere else" and yeah true I want to keep DS close and safe as ex is a stranger even though he knows he is his dad but that's using my sodding electric gas washing up liquid food etc
3) He only has paid maintenance for the last year

anyway I work currently 3 days a week I used to work 5 but it broke my heart not seeing DS and paying thousands in childcare, I have little to non family/friend support at all and am trying my very best to keep DS a house a car and dog in perfectly timed order and have been offered a cash in hand job doing admin and management at night for a very good wage so I asked ex- ds dad if he would on his days when he sees DS (wed and sun) stay over (stay at mine because he has nowhere else) and have DS at night while I work the night and would be home by latest 4am his answer "no I am not prepared to do anymore than I am doing". I am FUMING.

Sorry if I sound like am whining and being a utter loon however I had DS when I was 18 and I have done this all on my own with no one helping and I really wish he would just step up a little to give DS a dad and me some time to myself I feel like I am going to explode!!!!

Happy Easter everyone.

tristate123 Thu 13-Apr-17 16:03:11

Well he sounds like a right one!

Why on earth did he agree to having the child of he's not interested? I don't understand people like that.

However, i feel you are just going to get disappointment after disappointment if you expect anything from this man. He is clearly not wanting to do anything towards the raising of his child, which is frankly pathetic, and you must feel really resentful towards him. I don't think there is any answer apart from just learning that you can handle it on your own and he just isn't going to be there for you or your child

CharliesMummyMCAR Thu 13-Apr-17 16:27:35

tristate123 thank you for your reply. I think your right he is a joke and I'm going have to put my big girl pants on continue and sucking it up arnt I...

Why do men get away with this and don't feel any guilt!?

GeorgeTheHamster Thu 13-Apr-17 16:46:53

It's shit. But no way should you ever rely on him to enable you to work because he will mess you about.

And he shouldn't be having contact in your house really, can't he take DS out for tea?

ForTheSakeOfFuck Thu 13-Apr-17 16:48:04

Bearing in mind I have no experience of this situation, and I am not living it as you are, I have often thought to myself how I would much rather have no help at all than bad, unreliable, useless help. The frustrations and disappointments of that alone would drive me mad.

If the father isn't maintaining this relationship himself, of his own accord, and you're the one doing everything, I personally would stop facilitating, chuck it all in the bin, and move on. Let the deadbeat drift out of your lives and show your son healthier relationships and better people to model himself on. There will be others who will say that you should maintain this relationship for your DS, but I have never been sure what the point is of enabling a relationship between a child and a parent who doesn't give a stuff about them, or worse, a horrible parent who sets bad examples that the child will either then emulate, or be ashamed of.

I realise that none of this helps you with your fundamental problem of taking care of your DS, so all I can suggest here is that you look for support in the wider community. Can a SureStart Centre provide you with any guidance, assistance, or care? Is there a way to get chatting with other school mums, strike up friendships, and potentially work together to provide mutual childcare options? Can you proceed with Child Maintenance and extract from this man at least a pittance?

With luck others will be along soon with better advice to offer but in the meantime, more power to you, OP, for soldiering on for so long, and for trying to do the right thing, even if it isn't working out. You won't be the one who looks back with regrets. flowers

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now