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Anyone's DH given up porn?

(182 Posts)
FritzDonovan Thu 13-Apr-17 12:51:03

Not interested in the morality argument, or being told it's his right, etc - been there, done that.
However, I am interested to know if anyone's DH has said they will be giving up porn after the inevitable discussion that follows them being found watching it.
Mine knew from way back that I didn't like it, I've followed the suggestions of watching together etc, but he doesn't appear interested in that. Just in searching, collecting and watching while working away (and possibly on the sly at home), then clearing off the computer. As far as I'm aware, for at least a decade, even after saying he wasn't going to watch after I noticed the first time.
This time he's said all the things about how he now knows it impacts my self esteem, the relationship etc, doesn't need it and won't do it. My view is it would be nice to think this, but I don't see how he will be any different when away with work again, just hide it better.
Has anyone had their OH give up for similar reasons and stick to it?

NurseButtercup Thu 13-Apr-17 13:20:25

I'm not sure how to answer this, so I'll just share my thought's.

My ex-partner tried to encourage me to watch porn with him and wouldn't take no for an answer. So I made the experience very unpleasant by making him watch gay porn (men) and then with the man/woman porn I use to point out technical issues with the scenes I.e. her moaning doesn't match what he's doing to her or that's not enough foreplay to make her wet enough, where's the lube? And your bad knee couldn't last in that position like him long enough to make me moan like that lol. He gave up after the 2nd attempt haha.

I also randomly had the conversation about watching porn with a group of men I work with. All of them stated that they watch just because it's so easy to access. I then asked (being a typical woman), do they expect their wives and gf's to look like the pornstars and re-enact specific scenes. The answer was A) no to looking like the pornstars because it's not real and fantasy and they would never be able to pull a woman that looks like their favourite pornstar. And B) Yes please to a tailored re-enactment (because of their own limitations mainly related to stamina) definitely on birthday, if they're lucky on anniversary and Xmas.

If porn was only available via subscription then I'd definitely take issue with my partner paying to access it.

But because it's so easily accessible I don't see how I could prevent him from watching. The likelihood is that he will continue to watch and just tell me he doesn't.

FritzDonovan Thu 13-Apr-17 13:23:11

nurse bit different from my experience, but your gay porn made me laugh!

NurseButtercup Thu 13-Apr-17 13:32:22

I'm glad I made you smile ;-)

Yes my experience is different to yours, and I'm currently single. But, the point I'm making is a lot of men watch porn (even those that don't admit it).

I'm not saying it's right and I'm not saying it's wrong.

But it's something I can't control so I have to adjust my thought's about it so it doesn't consume me.

Porn addiction, like any other addiction is of course a different matter.

Somebody else will be along soon to throw their two pennies worth into the conversation.

HolditFinger Thu 13-Apr-17 13:38:17

We had this argument several times quite a few years ago now. Caught him watching it 3 times (though once he fell asleep and his phone was still playing it, so it couldn't have been that great.) I packed a bag and left after the third time. We had all the lamenting and promising not to do it again...blah blah whatever. Decided to work things out as DD was only a few months old and apart from that issue, the relationship is really great.

I got really paranoid about it. His phone used to send him pop up notifications every time I posted on FB, twitter, etc...so whenever he went in the loo in the morning I'd start posting like mad, knowing that if he WAS watching porn, the pop-ups every minute or so courtesy of me would really bugger up the video grin

I suspect he still does it now and again, but my rule is I DO NOT WANT TO SEE IT. EVER. He overlooks some things I do that he's not keen on too. I've chilled out about it a lot in the past couple of years. If he does, he does. I won't go back to the paranoia of checking and trying to catch him out - that way craziness lies. As long as he respects me and my wishes, we rub along just fine.

Adora10 Thu 13-Apr-17 13:42:28

If your partner's porn habit or watching upsets you in any way then there's a problem; and any man who can't `give it up` has serious issues, they are not addicted, it's a choice, like watching anything.

Not all men watch porn, they might have the occasional look because yes, it's very accessible but just because some women say their partners watch porn therefore all men do is just not true.

FormerPornWidow Thu 13-Apr-17 13:44:57

My DH has given it up, he's also given up drugs and alcohol. Life is so much better, he truly is my hero.
He did all of that for him not for me, because he wanted to.

BottleBeach Thu 13-Apr-17 13:59:22

My ex used to watch quite a bit, and I used to watch with him for a while. I found it a turn on initially- in retrospect mainly because of the taboo and being proud of what a cool wife I was.

Then I started reading feminist articles about the sex industry, and interviews with ex-porn actors, and we had a few conversations about things like the number of women working in the sex industry who have experienced child sexual abuse, and the prevalence of drug addiction and suicide. He got annoyed with me for 'ruining it' for him, but started watching less, and seeking out more 'fair trade' stuff.

We also had a few experiences of unexpectedly seeing things that were really horrible/violent/abusive, and once you've seen something you can't un-see it sad One particular clip still upsets me to think about.

We talked about the impact on our own sex-life. I had begun feeling disconnected when we had sex. Like we were both focusing on putting on a good performance instead of just giving and receiving pleasure. We sort of mutually agreed that watching porn was no longer a turn on, and stopped.

We separated years ago, but are still friendly. I might ask him how he feels about it now and if he has gone back to watching...

hareinthemoon Thu 13-Apr-17 14:05:03

I know younger men who have given it up. They had become aware of what it was doing to them, and gave up because of that, rather than giving it up for someone else.

SparklingRaspberry Thu 13-Apr-17 14:20:47

If your partner's porn habit or watching upsets you in any way then there's a problem; and any man who can't `give it up` has serious issues, they are not addicted, it's a choice, like watching anything

This is quite ignorant if I'm honest. I know you wasn't on about you personally but 1) if your partner watching porn upsets you, whether it's once a day or once a month the only problem is with you yourself - your self esteem. It's not your partners fault.
If you feel less confident because he's looking at an attractive naked woman on the screen, would these women also stop him watching any tv which involves a naked woman? Magazines? Any glimpse of a naked woman other than herself?

There is such thing as an addiction to watching porn.

There is no right or wrong answer to this. Unless it was interfering with my relationship (I.E. he was choosing porn over sex with me) I don't see the problem? Why should I expect him to give it up? Should he expect me to give up vibrators too?

Not all women in the sex industry are forced into it. Some are, many aren't. Should all porn be banned because of those that are forced? No. It's 2017, there are women who choose to do this sort of work! It doesn't mean their emotionally damaged or not thinking straight.

His phone used to send him pop up notifications every time I posted on FB, twitter, etc...so whenever he went in the loo in the morning I'd start posting like mad, knowing that if he WAS watching porn, the pop-ups every minute or so courtesy of me would really bugger up the video

This is really embarrassing. I feel sorry for your OH confused

FritzDonovan Thu 13-Apr-17 14:23:55

Thanks for the responses.
holdit I will have to see if he gets notifications, that sounds like it would be entertaining in a number of situations grin

I'm (uncomfortably) aware that if he wants to look at anything I am unlikely to know about it, it's more the secrecy and lies that disturb me. Although since being on MN threads I'm also aware of the side you mentioned too bottle, which I have also tried to discuss with OH. Not sure how seriously he took that though.
Kind of feel like he made all the right noises, mostly explaining by using examples I had already given to him, but not sure it sounded as if he believed it himself iyswim, so don't know how long it will last once he's away again. As you say hare, ppl tend to give up things for themselves rather than others. I don't think I can get across to him how disrespectful I find the lying and perving on other women, when he puts little effort into our relationship while he's away. I just don't get why he needs sexual kicks from looking at strangers...and not sure my 'disapproval' will mean anything when he gets the urge again. I guess it's a bit of a 'how to ensure your morals/values are on the same page' question... If that's possible...

FritzDonovan Thu 13-Apr-17 14:27:03

sparkling with all due respect, your argument has been done to death on previous threads, and derails the actual issue I was asking about. Deliberately seeking out sexual gratification from porn is completely different from seeing a naked woman on a TV program.

welshgirlwannabe Thu 13-Apr-17 14:38:57

My partner used to watch porn, mainly when he was younger but also at points early on in our relationship. I was, and am, deeply uncomfortable with what porn represents. It perpetuates images and ideals that I don't want connected with my sex life in any shape or form. I don't remember how his occasional porn watching came up, but we talked about it (to death!) And because he is a switched on decent guy he readily agreed with me that it's just wrong wrong wrong. So yes he has given it up.

I don't feel less confident in my own body because my man watched porn. For me that's not what it's about. I feel less confident in a society that objectifies women and time after time uses the male gaze to set sexual norms. Well fuck that. Not in my house. No way am I going be be complicit in women being reduced to a set of holes.

Adora10 Thu 13-Apr-17 14:41:29

*This is quite ignorant if I'm honest. I know you wasn't on about you personally but 1) if your partner watching porn upsets you, whether it's once a day or once a month the only problem is with you yourself - your self esteem. It's not your partners fault.
If you feel less confident because he's looking at an attractive naked woman on the screen, would these women also stop him watching any tv which involves a naked woman? Magazines? Any glimpse of a naked woman other than herself?*

I am 100% confident actually and I am not ignorant. My self esteem is 100% in tact also so you're the ignorant one by saying my personality is in some way inadequate because I am not one of the cool wives who accept my partner's porn habit cos, well hey all men watch it, utter shite.

Please don't derail this thread by saying any woman who will not have porn in their relationship is somehow lacking in confidence, I feel very good about myself, both emotionally and physically.

My partner watching a semi clad lady on TV has fuck all to do with accessing porn online which have far more graphic images, never mind the whole moral issue that is involved with these poor women having to basically perform for men who run the horrible industry.

Believe it or not but some couples get by just having sex with each other, they don't need extra stimulation.

FritzDonovan Thu 13-Apr-17 14:54:18

welshgirl agree with your view of society and not going along with it. Are you confident your OH has actually stopped watching? Because a number of posters will jump on that comment and tell you he'll just do it more sneakily. Obviously I'd like to think that a decent person would stick to the decision, having made it, but do wonder...

welshgirlwannabe Thu 13-Apr-17 14:58:57

Fritz - yes I am confident that he has stopped. He's not a kid sneaking about behind my back and he doesn't lie to me: he doesn't have to. I haven't forbade anything. We discussed how something he did made me feel, and he agreed that I am right (doesn't happen often that grin).

But if he couldn't or wouldn't stop that would have serious detrimental effects on our happiness together. Not because I'm plagued with doubts about my saggy child rearing body, but because of what it would tell me about his beliefs and priorities.

HolditFinger Thu 13-Apr-17 15:05:26

Sparkling I thought it was quite a giggle at the time. Maybe you should get that sense of humour bypass reveresed. Crack on dear.

FritzDonovan Thu 13-Apr-17 15:07:17

but because of what it would tell me about his beliefs and priorities.
Yes, this was my problem when I discovered he had started watching again after saying he wouldn't...

Adora10 Thu 13-Apr-17 15:13:21

That is it exactly, it's nothing to do with self esteem or confidence or comparing yourself to porn stars; believe me no man has ever made me feel inferior to him, regardless of what Sparkle seems to think I'm made of.

NeonGod73 Thu 13-Apr-17 15:23:33

You women don't watch porn? I am not talking about the hardcore, unrealistic stuff, but just normal everyday porn. Don't you ever watch the stuff?

welshgirlwannabe Thu 13-Apr-17 15:23:43

Sorry you and your husband are where you are fritz. It can feel like a losing battle. Especially because all of us, women and men, seem to be conditioned to think that men's brains are operated by their dicks. But it's actually really insulting to men to think that they can't use their powers of rational thought and empathy when it comes to porn. Like somehow a hard on reduces their brain capacity and they can't make good decisions and women need to be understanding about that. I remember being fed that nonsense as a young woman and it was sexist bullshit then and it's still sexist bullshit now. It's not harmless, not all men do it, and if we as women have problems with it it's not because there is something wrong with us.

And breathe.... sorry. I'm raising boys and I don't want them growing up with the message that it's ok to be a bit of a shit if you're horny, the world around you will understand sad

FritzDonovan Thu 13-Apr-17 15:36:53

neon no, not everyone needs porn to get off. I've seen it at some point of course, but since realising OH turned into a lying sexual soloist while watching (as well as the other related issues), I didn't feel it had a place in our relationship! smile

NeonGod73 Thu 13-Apr-17 15:47:24

FritzDonovan It is not about needing porn. I don't think anyone needs it, more like wants it. I am just saying because there's no harm in watching a bit of porn every now and then. I do that and I am fine. I am a grown up and I know what's real in it and what's bollox. Maybe you should watch it too sometimes. No offence? smile

FritzDonovan Thu 13-Apr-17 15:55:03

neon you're obviously not reading or understanding the posts here. Maybe it's a bit too difficult for you to see that it's not just about doing what you want. No offence smile

hellsbellsmelons Thu 13-Apr-17 16:03:39

My recent ExP is basically a porn addict.
He says he having therapy (not sure I believe him)
It was affecting our sex life massively.
I found all sorts of other shit out about him anyway an finished it.
Although I was prepared to support him through his therapy.
I agree that porn every now and then is something I could live with if it didn't affect the relationship or sex.
But when it does it's an issue and has to be addressed.

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