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Good man does bad things? Is sporadic abuse still abuse?

(43 Posts)
ExtraJudgeyPants Thu 13-Apr-17 12:04:36

Have seen really good advice on here, please help me.

Been with DH 7 years, married 5. DS aged 3.

95% of the time DH really good, not perfect, but who is. He supports whatever I want to do financially, practically and emotionally (been sahm now trying to get back into work) and yes we fall out and have disagreements but just normal stuff.

But he also has explosive rages that seem to come out of nowhere. A "normal" disagreement can turn extremely nasty with a huge amount of disgusting verbal abuse, threats, physical aggression (not hitting) and damage to possesions.

He has always had trouble managing emotions and from the start of our relationship i begged him to get help (i have issues too & have been in and out of therapy) but he said no. i should have walked away then in hindsight.

After the last time i said 1 more chance and he has actually had some hypnotherapy to help him. I dont really think he has changed deep down though & feel like its only a matter of time. I feel guilty as have started to disconnect from the relationship.

I guess i wanted opinions on whether it sounded so bad? Was once every 6months roughly for ages but recently more frequent and i cant let it happen infront of DS again. I find the Jekyll and Hyde thing so confusing, had an abusive aggressive controlling partner in the past but he was like that more consistently so it made more "sense".

Sorry for the length of this, please I'm begging for your input here. RL got no one.

Adora10 Thu 13-Apr-17 12:10:01

Abuse is abuse OP and he sound horrendous, especially when you are exposing a child to this, so not fair.

He wont change OP, it's who he is, I think you know that; nobody should have to put up with any of that, never mind every six months or so, ridiculous. He has no intention of getting help or he would have by now.

Puddington Thu 13-Apr-17 12:13:51

It does sound bad OP, sorry sad

I know it's an old chestnut but it's true: "the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE". It's not even that it was just a one-off, once every six months is really quite frequent and now it's escalating. Abusers do not "wind down" once they have escalated; I'm very worried for you. You've given him a chance to change and get help, he flat-out said no. Now you owe it to yourself and your son to get away from this flowers

Puddington Thu 13-Apr-17 12:16:05

Also FWIW that 95% of the time he seems "good" is probably also part of the cycle of abuse, where he's nice to you in order to make you question yourself or feel guilty and less likely to leave.

Adora10 Thu 13-Apr-17 12:35:16

Also your title should really be: bad man does some good things because essentially that's the truth.

monkeywithacowface Thu 13-Apr-17 12:38:06

Does he have explosive, violent rages with other family members, colleagues, bosses, random strangers in the street? Or is it just you? If it's just you then he is more than capable of managing his emotions he's just choosing not too with you.

Aussiemum78 Thu 13-Apr-17 12:41:04

My ex was only abusive when he needed to be....basically when he didn't get his way, which wasn't very often. He was still abusive, it wasn't temper it was the need to be entitled and in control.

Even when it's not often it can still turn deadly....the final straw with my ex was losing his "temper" - and punching our daughter in the face.

HecateAntaia Thu 13-Apr-17 12:42:04

hmm. good question.

is it abuse if a man only punches his wife on the third sunday of the month and the rest of the time he is lovely?
is it theft if you only take a tenner from the work till every two months and the rest of the time you are a model employee?
is it child abuse if the rest of the time you take the child to alton towers and bowling and stuff?

what do you think?

Shoxfordian Thu 13-Apr-17 12:51:01

Abusive people aren't usually abusive all the time. The good times don't compensate for the bad times though. I think you know the answer to your own question op

Noodles4Me Thu 13-Apr-17 12:54:07

How come you have no one in RL? Where are your family and friends?

ExtraJudgeyPants Thu 13-Apr-17 13:23:35

Thanks for the replies

After the last outburst he has made some effort by going to hypnotherapy sessions but as i say i dont really believe its been a magic cure (like he does). and feel its a bit too late anyway.

I have been used to telling edited versions of events to people for years so have kept my self in denial. Think i need to lean on a friend or 2 now but family wise no one i am comfortable with.

I am gobsmacked by the responses i have really been deluding myself. The months between each outburst gave enough time for me to "forget" & i always held the threshold of being hit in my head.i believe he did the same tbh like if i dont hit her roughing her up a bit or dragging her around is ok.

Smeaton Thu 13-Apr-17 13:32:25

The thread may have moved o. Since I wrote this and it may have been said.

A dog that only bites 5% of the time is still a vicious and dangerous dog. Why should a man being abusive only 5% of the time be excused?

Adora10 Thu 13-Apr-17 13:45:19

if i dont hit her roughing her up a bit or dragging her around is ok.

Awful and massively not normal.

Bet he'd not rough up and drag a man about though eh.

Happyinthehills Thu 13-Apr-17 13:49:01

Surely the point is that even if he does it only occasionally its affecting you all of the time.

kathkim Thu 13-Apr-17 13:50:15

Yes, it's still abuse. The stats are that abuse escalates so it won't end at being sporadic. Once is once too often anyway.

Adora10 Thu 13-Apr-17 13:51:08

Exactly Happy.

WhooooAmI24601 Thu 13-Apr-17 13:53:20

Abuse is abuse no matter how often and how severe. It all falls into that same category, and nobody would think "oh but he's lovely the rest of the time" and accuse you of being over-dramatic if you were to open up about it. Underplaying it like this doesn't lessen the severity or sheer horror of his behaviour; the fact that it's occasional doesn't give me any less goosebumps.

You said you've begun to disconnect from the relationship; do you think he's aware of that yet? If so, I'd suggest you tread very carefully til you know what your next move is because it's entirely possible he'll notice that his control over you is beginning to wane. Please take care of yourself and seek outside help. Women's Aid are incredible.

Adora10 Thu 13-Apr-17 13:53:25

OP, why should you modify your behaviour to accept this treatment, even if it's every six months, the damage is ever lasting; you should not be adjusting yourself and your feelings to be able to carry on with this git; it's him who should be doing all that, you've done NOTHING to deserve any of that.

Live the life you want, not the life that some git is forcing on you.

KickAssAngel Thu 13-Apr-17 13:53:32

Why don't you turn this around - abusive man who's learned to 'pass' as normal?

His attitude hasn't changed - he still wants to control you, he just manages to put a veneer over it most of the time.

ElspethFlashman Thu 13-Apr-17 13:53:44

It might help if you wrote down (possibly for the first time ever) exactly what names he has called you and what way he has been physically agressive.

You say you "forget" it in between. Maybe that's because it's never in black and white.

GallicosCats Thu 13-Apr-17 14:25:55

How much salmonella would you like in your chicken?

...Thought not.

CardinalCat Thu 13-Apr-17 15:13:27

You are very much in denial if you cannot see that this is not a good man, this IS abuse, and that you are not protecting your child from it.

Speak to Womens Aid ASAP and in the meantime tread on eggshells and try to avoid setting him off on a rage until such a time as you have an escape plan. You cannot live like this. You cannot expose an innocent child to this.

And hypnotherapy, really? Give the guy a fucking medal. He needs some serious therapy for his anger issues, not woo.

meettherussians Thu 13-Apr-17 15:42:14

OP- sounds rather than my DH when we have a bad argument- are his outbursts reaction- complete one sided?
You say its over nothing- but how do you then react when he gets in such a rage- are you also shouting back, does it escalate to this point or is it all 100% crazy immediately out of the blue? Not condoning his reaction in the slightest even if you are arguing back- as men never realise that male aggression to women- especially when getting aggressive at objects etc.- is massively more frightening and intimidating then women screaming back.

TempusEedjit Thu 13-Apr-17 15:53:42

roughing her up a bit or dragging her around

Your sense of what's acceptable and unacceptable has been seriously screwed up by your abusive ex if you can downplay something like this just because it's not "hitting". This is not a good man doing bad things. This is a bad man, just maybe not as bad as you were used to but terribly abusive nonetheless. Please start telling all in real life to someone you can trust, it'll make it seem more real and hopefully give you that final push to get out.

misscph1973 Thu 13-Apr-17 16:04:50

OP, it's not ok what your DH does, but I do understand why you "forget" it and you have "edited" versions of what happened. It must be hard to "admit" to yourself that you are taking it, ie. you are not doing what should be the consequence of your DH's behaviour, which is leaving him. I also understand why you don't tell anyone IRL, because you don't want them to say "leave him".

It's very simple. You are not ready to leave him. You may never be. People don't do anything until they are ready.

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