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Relationship breakdown. Advice needed!!!!!!(25 Posts)
Name change for this. I'll be brief as poss so as to not drip feed. Sorry it's rather long.
I've been with my DP for 4 years. He is 16 years older than me, divorced with one child. Classic story of younger pretty girl meets older wealthy man. We were very happy and very in love. In 2015 I had a stillbirth at 37 weeks and did not return to work after that, it completely destroyed me. DP was amazing during this time, my absolute world, my absolute rock. There was no need for me to return to work anyway as we had plenty of money. 2016 we started trying again for our family but suffered 2 miscarriages. After many many tests everything came back normal and we were told it was just bad luck.
2016 is also when DP lost all his money from his business ventures (I'm not going in to detail as could be outing). When I say all, I mean all. We had about £40 to our name. Sold house ,sold car, sold artwork, anything valuable we had we sold so that we could rent a new place for 12-18 months while he re-establishes himself and also pay off large loans and bills and invest money in new and existing businesses (total was well in to the millions). 12 month has come and gone and while we have some money coming in, it's not enough to cover our outgoings. We also have no guarantee the money we invested in to new businesses will come off.
I've said to him loads of times lets move to a smaller place where our rent will be less but he says it won't make that much of a difference. And I have changed my lifestyle to accommodate, I wax my own legs and do my own nails rather than go to a beautician, I haven't bought new clothes or shoes or gone on holidays, I don't go out anymore because I'm worrying about money so I go out maybe 1 night in every 5 weeks for a couple of drinks. I don't want anyone to think I've been demanding when money is tight. I've been doing my best to adjust!
I have many times suggested I try return to work but he doesn't want me to (I don't particularly want to either but I don't not want to be a team player). He said any money I make wouldn't be enough anyway... He is right, I only ever held low pay jobs but at least it was something.
The problem is he is depressed and we argue about money every second day. This started maybe 4 months ago and I've been looking for jobs since but nothing has been offered and I suspect it's because I've been out of the job market for so long. He won't get out of bed in the mornings and we argue about that. He tells me to stop treating him like a child but if I let him sleep he won't wake up till 2pm to go to his office.THIS DRIVES ME NUTS! He's also developed a serious drink problem, likely due to, or contributing to, his depression. I don't know how to get him out of this cycle of depression. We can't afford £50 a week for counselling and the NHS wait times are laughable and mental health in our area isn't great. Should he just get some prozac?
I've been thinking of just going it alone but he refuses to engage me in conversation when I bring it up. He says he loves me so much and everything he is doing is for me and I shouldn't be so entitled to have everything at my fingertips. We're not married, but even if we were I wouldn't get any financial gain as we have no money anymore, so I will be starting from scratch and I think I'm feeling ok about it all.
I'm so so so unhappy and cry most, if not every, day. Is this normal in relationships when times are tough?
Is there reason enough for me to leave? Or am I being entitled?
Just for reference, I am 30.
My God! Sorry that was so long. Hope someone reads it
It doesn't sound like the happiest situation. And at 30 years old do you want to potentially live in this scenario for the rest of your days?!
I would write a list of all the reasons you want to stay with him, and all the reasons why you don't want to stay with him and see which is longer. If you do decide to stay together then it sounds like you need to live in a cheaper house where your outgoings aren't so crippling, and you could also go back to work even just PT so you have a bit more independence. And that way if everything goes even more tits up then at least you have a bit of your own money and can restart your life again.
I don't get why he says it's pointless for you to go back to work. Surely an extra £500-1000 coming in each month would help with the rent and bills etc?! Is he just being controlling and not wanting you to open up your life in case you meet someone else and leave him?
You're young. Find a job and possibly retrain . The longer you leave it the harder it'll be. Insist on downsizing or you leave. You may be younger than him but you're an adult.
Oh my goodness, there's a lot going on here! Bankruptcy, depression, stillbirth and miscarriage - you poor thing. You must feel overwhelmed.
It sounds like he is treating you like a child (I imagine this is because of the difference in ages). Of course it would help to move to a smaller, cheaper place and for you to get a job! He isn't facing the reality of the situation. I guess this is a symptom of his depression. I think you need to take control of the situation and start making some decisions yourself.
It's up to you whether to leave or not. You don't need to justify your reasons to anyone. I would never describe someone as 'entitled' for leaving a relationship which is making them unhappy.
Thank you for your replies. It an absolutely miserable life and I'm still grieving our stillborn daughter and my miscarriages. I'm desperate for a baby but think adding a child in to the mix will make things worse.
He was worth millions and I think it's hard for him to live such a 'simple' life. An extra £1,000 a month from me won't make a dent in our rent ((between £5,000-10,000 a month (naice part of Central London). I'm too embarrassed to say as it seems so decadent)), but £1,000 to my own personal wealth is huge and it would be enough for me to establish myself. I have been looking for work but just having a tough time securing a job, even for part-time roles.
Part of me thinks I shouldn't be so selfish and stick by him but I'm so unhappy and have no life and definitely don't want the rest of my life to be like this!
I'm annoyed at myself as I should have gone back to work but at the time it felt like the right thing for me to do, I was in a complete state. Now I just feel trapped.
He doesn't want to seem like a failure. ALL of our money goes towards rent and it's miserable. Left over money goes to his child's school fees and he is in the court now to severely reduce his payments to his ExW (which were eye-watering but don't begrudge it). The rent we pay isn't his income it's from the sale of our old property. But that money is running out and I don't want him to turn around one day and say "ok that's all the money gone, we're homeless now". We are right up against the wall financially living month to month which actually doesn't bother me because I'm from a working class background but it's just his attitude absolutely stinks! A grown man and he can't get out of bed till 2pm and drinks himself stupid!!!
I really think he needs to seriously look at moving to a cheaper property, I know central London prices can be a bit wild but ten THOUSAND pounds a month when you are already in debt and can't cover your outgoings simply isn't sustainable, I'd be sick with stress if I had to worry about that amount of money. You earning £1k a month would certainly make a difference to you, and honestly even though the rent is so huge surely it's better to have a £1k dent in it than to not have it? It sounds like he doesn't want to adapt to the realities of having less money than he's been used to (you say that you have cut down on a lot of luxuries and tried to save money, he needs to as well!).
Also, I know he's probably depressed -- you have both been through a lot and I do feel for you -- but if he's drinking every single day then surely that's racking up a lot of cash that could be going on the rent or bills too. It's a vicious cycle. If you do end up feeling that you need to leave the relationship for your own happiness and wellbeing I don't think that makes you entitled.
It sounds like he is genuinely depressed (understandably!) and the sleeping/drinking etc is pretty classic for that. Its not just a case of "well you have to get up so do it", depression is a genuine mental health condition. THAT SAID he needs to be talking to his GP about going on anti-depressants, the lack of energy or feeling that it CAN get better is also classic for depression and its down to you really to try and get him there in any way you can.
The rent situation is ridiculous, as i think you know. You cant keep living beyond your means, all it will achieve is that you spend the money you should have spent on moving/deposits and when you eventually have nothing, you have lost the ability to make those changes. He doesnt want to face up to the fact that how he wants to live is NO LONGER POSSIBLE right now but you cant let him keep closing his eyes to it. It sounds like youre living in a fancy house without a stick of furniture in it, and thats a pretty miserable way to live.
What is keeping you with him now? It sounds like you're not getting a whole lot out of this situation other than stress.
10k rent is insane when you're in serious debt. I have a friend who has a small but beautiful 3 bed home in an affluent part of north London and pays 3k for it per month. Surely something like that would be more manageable?
He could then be using the remaining 7k that he'd be saving to clear debts. And once that's done you could restart your lives. I don't understand his mind frame if he wants to stay in a very expensive home that's eating through the last of his money just so he doesn't have to admit to anyone else what's going on
I know it's insane money but he doesn't want to adjust. He says he's determined to bring a baby back to this home because he's been breaking his back to make it happen. We're in a ginormous and impressive place and I'm eating beans on toast for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Literally!
I know I could use the extra money to retrain or start paying off some credit cards.
I don't know much about depression but from what you've all said it does sound like he's a classic case.
I've just spoken to him on the phone and we agreed he should go on anti-depressants. He's going to make an appointment with his GP today. Do anti-depressants really work??
He says he's determined to bring a baby back to this home because he's been breaking his back to make it happen.
But how does he think he'll be able to provide for a baby right now when you can barely even afford to eat properly?
Anti-depressants can really work, yes. They don't work for everybody, and for some people they work better in conjunction with talking therapy or some other type of therapy. Some years ago my DP was suffering badly from depression (a joint issue of a very stressful job -- which he thankfully moved on from into one he actually enjoys -- and a sort of realisation about his toxic family) and for him, personally, citalopram did help a great deal. He was fortunate enough to be referred for a few sessions of talking therapy a while afterwards which also helped but for him, the medication alone made a big difference. I know many people worry about being dependent on the medication afterwards -- and this is only our experience -- but he hasn't needed to take any for 3+ years now and is still much happier, more balanced, more motivated, it's like a big black cloud was hovering over him and then went away.
Asking for help can be scary but I'm glad to read that he's agreed he should go to his GP, who will hopefully be best-placed to sort out what he needs in order to help him. Something needs to change
Thanks so much Puddington You're right in that I'm scared he will become dependent on them.
In regards to his drinking he is thinking of AA so maybe that could work as his complementary therapy. I know he hates who he is right now but it's not changing his attitude at all. He's become insufferable.
With the baby thing I think we will have run out of money well before any baby will be taken to our home so it won't be his choice. Living in fear and insecurity is the worst part of it all.
Ok, I myself have lived with a champagne Charlie and beer money wages, it never ends well, it's all about 'show' and 'keeping face' we lived at one point in a perfectly nice house 4 bed in twickenham for 2500 a month and that's only a few years ago,it's a lot but not in the league of what you are in. This guy is in fantasy land and when it goes tits up, you will be in a bad situation, take charge, get a job, any job and get yourself in a nice houseshare to start and build from there, please do this, the guy is a total fantasist, you have to live to what is doable, now at the moment this is not, it might be again but at the moment, no!!!
I know it's insane money but he doesn't want to adjust - remember you're part of this partnership too. Why does he get to make all the decisions?
My husband went through something similar to this, i went to work for him without taking a wage and i eventually got him to open up and talk to me. I'm back to being a home maker but he knows that when he needs me i will be there to help him.
Love is more valuable than money
A baby needs healthy and happy parents, not a huge house. It's insane to spend so much on rent when you can get a smaller but lovely place in London for so much less. It's not fair for you to live a basic existence while all that money is going on rent. Get a job and that will give you some extra cash and put you in a better position if it doesn't all work out.
This is utterly ridiculous and your partner is frankly a fantasist refusing to accept reality. That in itself would be enough for me to leave him. It's almost certainly why he lost all of his money (head in sand).
If you have money for that kind of rent and to pay School fees then it's about priorities.
He's more concerned about appearances than your wellbeing. If he won't made realistic adjustments to your lifestyle then I can't see how there's a future for your relationship.
He's lost all his money but wants to rent at £10k a month? I would say thank god you are not married.
It doesn't matter that you wouldn't earn much if you went to work. It would not be just for the money. You have to start somewhere.
Tbh I think you are so young and you have been through a lot and unless he listens to what you are saying re work and rent, I would leave him to it.
You sound lovely by the way OP you aren't married, don't let his issues and ego become your downfall , and whilst I know love matters more than money, he is showing no consideration for you if he knows your anxiety would be lessened by moving
I'm sorry for your losses
I'd be pretty fucked off if I was his XW, with him paying out £10K a month in rent whilst trying to reduce my child's maintenance!
Focus on getting a job, and as a PP said, remember that he doesn't get to make all of the decisions.
If the sale of a property has been funding rent of £10K a month, he is making very foolish decisions.
It is just nonsense to say that he can't afford private counselling when he's paying that much in rent.
Time to tell him no: you will not be bringing a baby home to someone else's expensive flat, because you are moving out - preferably with him, but if necessary without.
You are 30 and not married
I am sorry for your losses
I would get a job
You are young enough to walk away and start again
Your partner who is paying huge amounts in rent, that is unsustainable and a poor decision. He is not impressing you or any of us !
Do you love him? You've talked a lot about money & lifestyle (& to be fair you seem fine to move on from those & make your own future) but not at all about whether you still love him. Rough with the smooth & all that. But - you're so young, there's so much time to build your life from here. Re-train, make new friends, live like a 'normal' 30 yo & have some fun.
I have to echo what most others are saying. The reality is that you need to get a job, pay for training in something, build yourself a future.
It sounds like a horrible situation for both of you and although not a nice place to be I am sure lots of people would react like your husband. Sound like he is in denial. Look at the 5 stages of grief. I think I would be severely depressed if this happened too. I don't think it is fair to leave him but a very very serious talk is needed and you need to move and reduce rent and you do probably need to get a job too. When you/he have built things up again you can quit.
I don't know how you can get through to him but he is depressed and needs help. Tell him gently how it is and try to take the reigns on this situation. How long will your money last, work that out because you will have to move then anyway and moving with no money isn't cheap. You may need 3000 pounds just to move. Maybe a deadline can be set that you both agree on.
If you can you need to find the right time to calmly talk and explain the reality of the situation. Ask him to let you talk and the give him the space to talk to see where is head is at.
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