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My ex is stressing me out and i feel suicidal

(23 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

80sbabyz Thu 13-Apr-17 00:30:50

Background:
We were together 5 years, each others first loves, i was his first girlfriend. We had a DS (now 13) and ex left me for one of the girls he cheated with in 2008. I was devastated and heartbroken but moved on, i was terrified of being hurt again i constantly turned men down and only had one relationship which lasted a month in 2010, been single ever since and no sort of relations with men (no sex nothing lol).

I've done all i can to be civil with my ex in spite of everything. The girl he's still with knew about me but didn't care, used to harass me and got ex to choose her over our DS. Ex spent the first 6 years trying to get back with me but he hurt me so much i couldn't. He and his mum claim how miserable he is and doesn't want to be with her but surely that's a lie as you don't stay with someone for this long, anyway that isn't my problem. They had a child two years ago and his girlfriend refused to let my son meet his brother but ex finally stood up for once and they met. She doesn't hide her hatred for my son.

Ex hardly see DS and hasn't at all this year, messaged him happy birthday a day before his actual birthday and lies he will see him but keeps letting him down. Told DS he will see him this week yet on Monday claimed to be sick. He owes me two months child maintenance and swore at me two weeks ago he won't pay it, i got fed up and decided not to speak to him again. Well he called today with a sob story as CMS contacted him, he's broke but will give me something on Friday if i tell CMS to cancel taking direct from him now.

He keeps letting DS down and im sick of lying and covering for him but DS isn't silly and said his dad doesn't love or care about him (i tell him he does) but still wants contact with his dad as he should. Ex having a go and lying to me today just made cry, I'm sick of him and his behaviour. He broke my heart, hurt and abandoned DS, is living happily ever after (in spite of what he says) yet i get a shitty life even though I'm a good person. I'm happy to have zero contact with ex but then he contacts me via DS phone now as i changed my number from his last month. I've given a very shortened version of events but i really can't take it anymore and feel like killing myself. Ex will be happy, his girlfriend too and DS can go live with them. I regret meeting him so much and wish he wasn't my child's dad. At times its like he hates me or something even though he constantly cheated and left me! How does that work.

I know he thinks I'm a pushover but I'm standing my ground with the CMS after willing previously to decrease the amount based on him seeing DS twice a month at least - he basically didn't go for it lying he's working every night then another time tells me he's not off on weekends. I'm sick of trying and basically begging him to be in DS life as i clearly can't force him to. He will message DS regularly always proclaiming to love him but surely you don't treat someone you love badly.

Sorry for the long text

DancingLedge Thu 13-Apr-17 00:46:18

flowersfor you.
Sorry you're going through such stuff.

Bambambini Thu 13-Apr-17 00:55:33

Don't know what to say, your x just sounds like a really weak man. Your poor son (and you)

Trying2bgd Thu 13-Apr-17 00:57:33

flowers Things will get better so stand your ground and focus on yourself and dd not your ex.

Trying2bgd Thu 13-Apr-17 00:58:10

Sorry ds not dd

80sbabyz Thu 13-Apr-17 01:04:42

Thanks everyone its really difficult and I'm just fed up. Its like I'm being punished. I avoid social media as i don't want to see his life. I know he dotes on his other child yet hardly bothers with ours. I haven't been better off since he left things have gone downhill for me but just gotten better for him. I'll admit it I'm kinda jealous because in spite of him claiming to love me soo much and love me more than her i don't believe him because he lies soo much and feel like she won, which she really has and I'm the loser. I hate my life and i hate myself, guess he was justified in leaving me as I'm obviously nothing special. Not looking for pity just needed to vent.

Bunniesncats Thu 13-Apr-17 01:20:06

I am so sorry your feeling so low but please stop being so hard on yourself. You are not a loser - life is not a competition. If it were I'd say you've had a victory in that this man is no longer with you. It sounds like he messes you and your son about horrendously and that's not on.
It's time for you to pick yourself up and concentrate on you and your son (easier said than done believe me I know) once you do and you have as little contact with this man as yiu can you will start to feel better. Let cms get the money you are owed - do not engage in any conversations with him about it. As for his visitations with his son keep a diary of when he says he is going to turn up (and subsequently doesnt) and if he gets shitty with you take it to a solicitor.
Please start being kind to yourself and get yourself out into the world again it seems as though your life has centred around this man for far too long. He tells you he loves you to keep you hanging on If he did love you he wouldn't be hurting you like this.
You are better than you think, now you have to be strong and make a beautiful life without him in it. Hugs x

80sbabyz Thu 13-Apr-17 01:40:58

I know you mean well but i honestly don't see how I've won when my life is in tatters and theirs is great. Its a myth it doesn't work out with the OW - my situation is proof it does!

I can't even be in a relationship again because I've been hurt so much by him i think it will just happen again with someone else. He was supposed to be the one - i went through a terrible breakup before i met him, had counselling got over it and when i met DS dad he made me sooo happy etc but obviously i didn't make him happy. He's the only person who can make me feel this way. Maybe i should end the CMS and that way he won't bother me as lately its all about the CMS and I'm sick of it. Got a headache right now from being stressed. I wish i was someone who didn't care so much because this wouldn't have affected me so much. Actually to be honest i can just brush things off and get on with life moving on but with my ex it's different it's like he has some sort of hold on me (i don't want him back at all) as I'm still hurt by what he did after all these years, thats not normal.

RogueBiscuit Thu 13-Apr-17 04:16:23

Op as a child of a parent who committed suicide I assure you your son won't be happy. Please get some help if you continue to feel this way.

You sound like you've got symptoms of ptsd. This can happen after infidelity and emotional abuse. I'd really recommend emdr, your gp can refer you. A couple of sessions and bam, it's gone. There's lots of sites on line if you prefer the self help route.

In the meantime refuse any contact with your ex. Tell your son the truth, dad is unreliable and its not your sons fault. Ensure your son receives the financial support he is entitled to.

noego Thu 13-Apr-17 07:57:57

You need help my lovely. Your thoughts are overwhelming your mind.
Talk to Samaritans, Women's Aid, your GP, seek counselling or therapy.
You are not on your own, there are people that can help and support you. Keep posting on MN for support as well.
You will survive this with help.

80sbabyz Thu 13-Apr-17 09:14:34

I'm just exhausted by it all. Years of trying to get along with him only for him to use me (its expected i help/accommodate him yet he never does the same for me). I was happiest when we didn't speak for two years (i applied for CM and he got angry, his mum hurled abuse at me) i only made contact as i received a letter from CMS he had a baby and wanted DS to know his brother. I also thought ex and OW would have grown up now they are parents (him again) but nope DS is still treated badly and messed about.

His family have been stressing me out too. They claim to love me soo much and hate OW (not bothered by this) yet when she is horrible about my son no one bats an eyelid like they are all scared of her (she's kept ex away from his family too all these years) however i get threatened because CMS increased his monthly amount based on his wages which i don't control. His claimed ex is on the verge of a nervous breakdown because of how "miserable" his life is and its my fault and if he dies she will tell DS its down to me....i really don't understand how its my fault and has anything to do with me. Ex and his mum claim i assume his life is great but the reality is different (he talks to him mum alot when he's down). The thing is i actually made him get back in contact with him since we started speaking again last year, i had a go at him because she called me crying he ignores her messages, she never hears from him, the OW said she wasn't allowed to meet her grandson.

The thing is because I'm too nice they think im a pushover. I know you teach people how they treat you and over the years I've toughened up but with him its difficult. I will stand my ground with him now but then feel bad after. Anyway i had counselling twice after he left and it wasn't helpful. I took antidepressants end of last year but stopped them after a week as i didn't like feeling like a zombie. I'm 33 and so alone.

The thing is i don't wish my ex anything bad, i just wanted to be able to co-parent effectively and am willing to get on with OW for the sake of the kids but she hates me like I'm the one who messed about with him and helped break up a family not the other way round. According to my ex and his mum she is insecure when it comes to me because apparently my ex loves me soo much but i doubt it, she won so has no reason to be insecure.

I will look into "emdr".

80sbabyz Thu 13-Apr-17 09:15:40

His mum claimes he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown

80sbabyz Thu 13-Apr-17 09:36:30

Forgot to add im going to end contact with him again as he is no good for my health. DS is able to arrange visits with him and have their own contact as he has his own phone and what I've been trying to do but ex always finds a reason to talk to me. I'm just happy he has stopped turning up randomly at mine and my mums this went on for 6years and I actually had to move away to get away from him

LouMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 13-Apr-17 09:53:16

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way. It sounds like you've had an awful time. We hope that the advice you're getting on here is giving you some comfort.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on jo@samaritans.org.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly and we hope you get some good advice there.

Phoebefromfriends Thu 13-Apr-17 10:12:54

Your boy needs you so please don't think you'd be better off dead. Please seek out some RL help today. Go back to your GP and see if they can refer you to counselling. I would definitely end contact as it's clearly not good for your mental health. Your ex sounds emotionally abusive, I know other posters have mentioned the freedom programme (not sure that's the proper name, maybe Google it). Have you got any friends and family you could stay with whilst you are feeling vulnerable? I really think you need reach out to them. Then make a plan to start making changes, small things to start with that reduce this isolation and increase your self esteem, which sounds like it's in the toilet. There are other options to suicide. I felt like that after a break up and I'm SO pleased I didn't do it. I had some EFT which helped massively, then I surrounded myself with people who cared about me. Take really good care of yourself and reach out to the samaritans if you feel suicidal and can't reach friends or family. Keep us posted OP, wishing you all the best.

Bluesue26 Thu 13-Apr-17 10:43:22

Your story has really resonated with me. It's not the exact same circumstances but I can definitely relate to a lot you've said.

Don't you dare do anything to hurt yourself. DON'T. I understand things are crappy right now. I was there and thought I didn't want to carry on anymore. Really I just wanted a break from everything going on in my head.

You've got to cut contact to the absolute minimum with him AND his family. I know his mum cares about you but by constantly telling you about his life she's keeping it raw for you.

Don't let him off the hook with cms. I wouldn't rely on it but don't chase him on it either. If he's struggling financially so fucking what? He shouldn't have had another child if he can't support the one he's already got.
Don't sit thinking that the OW has won. She hasn't. She'll never be able to trust him. She's clearly jealous and insecure that's why she behaves the way she does. Happy people don't do that. I sometimes torture myself when I look at exh's relationship with his gf - she wasn't an OW - and it's painful. I get jealous that they get to play happy families and I'm alone. I can't lie I've shed a fair few tears over it but I know it's not all hearts and flowers for them either. It's true when they say comparison is the thief of joy. It's frustrating but time really is a great healer xx

hellsbellsmelons Thu 13-Apr-17 11:22:17

The OW has not got the 'prize'
All she got is the booby prize!
I know you aren't seeing it for what it is as you are still suffering.
But he's a liar and a cheat.
He will do the same to her.
He really really will.

I'm glad you are going NC with him.
You really don't need his negativity.

Just think about your wonderful DS and be there for him for now.
Concentrate and you and your MH.
Have you seen the GP about it?
If not then I suggest you do.

You are coping. You are getting through this.
You will get through this, together with your DS.
He needs you and loves you - never forget that!

80sbabyz Thu 13-Apr-17 15:04:48

Thank you everyone, I finally managed to get some sleep today as I was up all night. It's amazing and annoying at the same time just how much of an effect he can still have on me.

After reading the replies I've realized he was/is an emotional abuser! I googled it and the signs were there when we were together and after. Also I've realized the reason why I keep saying "she won" is that he did pit us against each other so it was like a competition (even though I kept turning him down to get back together) so I guess in a way I did win as I was first choice but it doesn't matter as I should have been the only choice.

I'm still sticking with going no contact as that's when I'm happiest. DS and him can make their arrangements together etc and I will not cancel CMS or get him taken off the collection service they put him on now due to missed payments. He was horrible about not paying and I did warn him this would happen and then he came running to me to cancel it. He tried to emotionally manipulate me by claiming he didn't say what he did and I got it all wrong - yeah right!

He broke my self esteem and confidence but I'm determined to get that back after all it's been 9 years! I joined a gym today as exercise used to be a great stress relief for me plus it gets me out of the house aside from work and I need to lose some weight too lol. I'm trying to live by we only have one life so enjoy it!

Phoebefromfriends Thu 13-Apr-17 15:21:04

So pleased to hear you are feeling better OP and that you've started making positive changes. Still think it would be a good idea to pop to the doctors so you can get some support in the longer term.

StewPots Thu 13-Apr-17 15:26:41

Just read the whole thread OP and it's pretty much my own situation 7 years ago.

Now I'm happily married with a DS but my DD15 with ex-twattish shit basket hates her dad with a passion after what he put me through and has pretty much NC with him (100% her own decision - he started being manipulative with her then turned nasty, the absolute fucking ball bag full of shite).

If your ex is emotionally abusive in this fashion, your DS will see through it eventually and tire of it.
He will also see a dad who doesn't want to really provide for him in terms of maintenance - i never had a penny off my ex because he's a selfish twat who prefers to spend his cash on GF and her (almost grown up) kids.
He never even gave DD pocket money or fuck all on Christmas or birthdays yet pics on FB everywhere with his new car (fucking dickhead can't even drive ffs) or new tattoo that looked cheap and tacky as fuck .

It was really stressful for DD to see all this, but it also strengthened her resolve when she chose to go NC last year. Now she feels so much better, although obviously it's sad she could never rely on her own father.

I'm thinking that in time, your DS will see the horrendous way his F treats you, and him, and have an epiphany- sometimes it's better to be without someone than have them in your life making you feel awful at every turn.

He will need you there when this time comes, so please please don't do yourself any harm, this wanker you speak of is so not worth it - please go to your GP or call the numbers PP mentioned. You will get through this. And just think. As soon as DS hits 18 you need never even speak of this absolute toss piece ever again!

Sending love and flowersfor you and DS.

Bumshkawahwah Thu 13-Apr-17 16:12:24

You sound so positive, OP and it sounds like you are making great steps forward.

Think of it this way; it sounds to me like OW is very insecure and feels threatened by you. Quite probably she is living under the assumption that he would go back to you. What a way to live! You have more control and strength than you think. Did you take him back when he wanted to? No! You could be living like the OW right now...how miserable would that be? With an emotional abuser who might leave at any minute. You can and are controlling how much contact you have with him...good for you! Of course the la k of interest from you ex in his son is heartbreaking, but there is nothing you can do to control that.

It sounds to me like you need a good confidence boost. I think exercise is a great start. Would you consider doing done guided mindfulness app? I've just started using one and it is great for calming my mind and clearing my head.

I think it sounds you are doing s great job. You just need a little self belief.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 13-Apr-17 16:21:00

Well done OP.
That's a huge corner to turn.
The gym will help a lot but get other support as and when you need it.
NC all the way.

My DD also doesn't speak to her dead beat dad.
He paid me for a few months and never did again.
I couldn't even chase him as he lived in another country.
He promised to come back and visit her and never ever did.
She hates him now and it's his own fault.
He's missing out on a wonderful daughter.
His loss.
Your son soon realise as well for himself.
My DD spent years trying to 'please' her DF.
She's learnt now though.

Keep doing all the positive things you are doing.
You are allowed to wallow and you are allowed down days.
Just make sure you have hugely positive ones as well.
Pity the OW because she is being through what you went through.
That you can be sure of!

Thinkingblonde Thu 13-Apr-17 20:59:45

You sound more positive which is a good start.
If his family threaten you or hurl abuse at you in future go to the police.

Don't fall for the emotional blackmail from his mother,
He's probably spinning them a sob story about how skint he his having to pay for two children.

What would be achieved by committing suicide op? You'd leave as bereft bewildered boy with his father, who can't be bothered with him and step mother who hates him.
However that's not going to happen my lovely as I think you are stronger than you realise, you're proving it by making positive steps to improving your life.
Don't let them brow beat you into submission, keep on with the CMS claims, let CMS deal with it.
🌹🌺🌷💐for you.

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