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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

what do you think of this dialog

33 replies

ithoughtitwasgood · 12/04/2017 16:45

my DP has the habit of getting angry over little things and then he brings up the relationship and blames me for everything that goes wrong. Last night everything was great up to the point where i asked him what time about he would be back. (he was to go out with his brother for his birthday) Then he got angry over this, making sure that i understand that i am second best . It hurt me but i didnt say much because he was to go out and i did not want him to think that i try to ruin his day. When he returned , i told him how he made me feel (very calm, very polite, he gets angry very easy so i am very careful how i talk) He perceived it as i am trying to ruin his perfect so far night. I replied that i need to speak of how i feel but he wouldn't have any of it, he just got angry telling me that i nag him.He also told me so many negative things about my self that he honestly made me think that he is not happy to be with me. He went to sleep because as he said i exhausted him ( i barely talked as he was arguing and i didnt want it to escalate). Before i leave for work i sent him some messages . Here is what i wrote and what he replied, please give me your opinions
me : i love you more than anything and it hurt me so much when your words showed to me that i am the second best and not a proper family to you. Note i talk only for your words. Its ok whatever way you feel towards me, i can not change this. My only thought is that you should expect from me what you can give and not more or less (this was said because he always repeats how he has to be first in my life, above anyone else , even my child). I also really hope that you are happy with me. I love you and i want you to be happy and it worries me when you say all those negative things about me. I honestly thought that the past days were amazing , i am sorry i did not realise that it was hard for you to maintain them (this because i said that i had great few days and he replied that it was down too him accept my shit and trying not to get angry with me)
His reply later was : what a thing to wake up to in the morning. Meh , hopefully now that you said what you needed to say you will finally stop with this. Not gona bother responding to or acknowledge this anymore. Or it will go on and on
I tried to talk to him and he said he doesnt want to talk and that he would go out
What do you think please

OP posts:

Report

happypoobum · 12/04/2017 16:48

It sounds like you are walking on eggshells if you are monitoring what you say in case it makes him angry.

Is your child his child too?

Marvellousmarg · 12/04/2017 16:50

He sounds selfish and nasty. Why do you want to stay with him?

missyB1 · 12/04/2017 16:52

It worries me that you mention a few times how angry he gets and how careful you have to be

I think you deserve better.

highinthesky · 12/04/2017 16:55

DP can't be bothered with basic adult communication? I diagnose a straightforward case of selfish-bastarditis.

Rx: LTB.

Destinysdaughter · 12/04/2017 16:55

He sounds mean and uncaring. He's blaming you for his own feelings. 'Nagging' is a very loaded word when you just asked him a simple question, he completely overreacted! You placating him won't help. I couldn't live like this. I also don't get why you're with him, what are his good points?

BrightNewLife · 12/04/2017 16:56

Sorry, doesn't sound good OP.

It seems like you are pouring your heart out to him and trying to please - and appease - him. It is childish of him not to engage in an adult dialogue and reply or acknowledge what you wrote.

He is showing blaming, gaslighting, 'guilt'-ing' and acting out of victim mode. He is also being pretty unpleasant in my opinion.

I am sensitive to this kind of behaviour as I was married to a Narcissist. You might want to check out 'narcissistic personality traits' to see if there's any similarities. I am not tarnishing everyone like this, but it is easier to see what you are dealing if you find that is the case. It will also reassure you that your feelings are valid and that you are not being too 'sensitive' about these things.

If you're just looking for a knee-jerk reaction to your question, I confirm the dialogue is crappy and I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone talking to me like that.

ithoughtitwasgood · 12/04/2017 16:58

No is not his child. He insists that he has to be the first priority in my life and i try to have them both as first. It can be exhausting at times but i thought i do it to make him feel good and same time look after my child properly and give to both my time and effort. He will still thought get bitter if he perceives that he is second best

OP posts:

TantrumsAndBalloons · 12/04/2017 17:02

Anyone who ever thought they were first priority in my life over my children would be out of my life quicker than they could blink

Sorry OP but that alone is fucking awful and you seem to be trying to go along with it somehow

SuperSkyRocketing · 12/04/2017 17:04

OP I was about to say your situation sounds exhausting and now you've just said exactly that. You're clearly walking on eggshells and can't be yourself. It's no way to live.

I see no positives from what you've written, only negatives. Get rid of him. You deserve better.

happypoobum · 12/04/2017 17:04

Living like this sounds exhausting and I wonder what the impact is on your child?

Bin him off - life is too short for all this crap.

Adora10 · 12/04/2017 17:07

Yes him expecting to come before your child when he treats you like crap; who is he, the devil reincarnated, he doesn't own you and nor does he have control over your thoughts or actions; he just lords it over you by being bullying and controlling, where's the love, instead of trying to constantly appease and walk on egg shells get a life away from him; he's bringing you nothing but misery.

This is not love, it's purely control and him blowing up his chest and feeling like a big man every time he scores a point against you.

Scabetty · 12/04/2017 17:10

Any man expecting to be more important than my child can sling their hook. He sounds very selfish.

ithoughtitwasgood · 12/04/2017 17:18

please do not think that i ever put my child second, i try have them both first. I love my child , is my life even if my DP doesnt like hearing that

OP posts:

TantrumsAndBalloons · 12/04/2017 17:40

To be honest OP you shouldn't even be trying to make this man feel like he is more or even equally as important as your child

PatriciaHolm · 12/04/2017 17:42

He sounds like a petulant child. Life is too short to waste it on men like this.

Adora10 · 12/04/2017 17:44

I'm not judging you OP, I am judging him and he sounds a nasty piece of work, I'd have no respect for any man that had the audacity to actually expect me to put them before my own bloody child, what an asshole.

Kikikaakaa · 12/04/2017 17:45

He sounds like a very shitty stepfather to your child, and a shitty partner.

He's telling you to stop having any feelings about how he treats you and he can do whatever he likes even if it hurts you

pilates · 12/04/2017 17:59

He doesn't sound like he loves you or even respects you. Is English not your first language? Do you want to continue with the relationship?

Chops2016 · 12/04/2017 18:11

He wants to come before your child? Sorry. Nope. He's an immature arsehole and not worth your time on that alone. Never mind the rest.

WingsofNylon · 12/04/2017 18:13

That's an awful response. Get rid of this horrible man. He doesn't love you and you need to learn to stop living him.

floweriam · 12/04/2017 18:17

@pilates

Is English not your first language?
Are you serious, how is that relevant to OP question?

OP, this man doesnt seem to care about you at all, he is selfish and you deserve better

ScabbyHorse · 12/04/2017 18:46

Yes he sounds bloody awful. Quite possibly narcissistic. He should not come before your child. Or before you either!

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Cherrysoup · 12/04/2017 18:50

It sounds like your dp is a controlling and abusive idiot. Why are you with someone who treats you so badly?

pilates · 12/04/2017 18:58

floweriam
The relevance of the question was because I knew someone who brought a lovely woman over from Ukraine, got bored after 18 months and then sent her back. OK with you?

floweriam · 12/04/2017 19:07

@pilates

You need to consider that making irrelevant questions like this to a person who is already distressed over their situation is not the best idea. The OP came here for advice . I am sure that she can do without comments like this. You asked her about her English, judging by her writing and that is irrelevant and potentially distressing to her in my opinion

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