Arguments!!

[debsterlee1]

Hi there!
As it's sometimes difficult to see the other persons point if view during an argument, I wondered if anyone could advise me?
Basically, I work long hours as a nurse and my husband is generally finished by 2. On this particular day, I was working a 14 hr shift, with a chest infection as I hate taking time off. Said husband was picking his van up from the garage and dropping his daughter off for a week at her friends a few hrs away.
I got pictures and updates about their lovely day, so I innocently asked if the house was tidy and had the dog been out. I got a crappy text back and some reference to 'mum' and was told he'd be home early.
I usually finish work at 21.30 but approx 8pm I felt crap and went home, to an empty house and one sad and unfed and unwalked dog. Quite mad at this point and feeling really ill, I put on my waterproofs and took the dog out around a pond that is quite dark but one of our usual walks (about 20 mins).
When I returned, husband is sat in front of the TV and doesn't speak probably knowing I was mad. After working nrly 14 hrs, being tired and I'll I told him to get out of my sight, he told me to shut up, mimicked my voice and walked off. I screamed some abuse upstairs after him about his selfish behaviour, only to be informed that he'd seen me walking out with the dog, knowing I was ill and left me to it!!
I guess I'm asking would a normal person let a woman walk off in the dark by herself, although it was a choice I made, is chivalry really dead??
And I also think the dog should be put first before his hobbies and free time, whilst he thinks it doesn't matter what time she gets taken out!!!

[Teddy6767]

Why are you with him? He sounds hideous!! If someone mimicked my voice and took the piss out of me after a busy shift when I was feeling poorly then I'd probably swing for them.
Immature, selfish and nasty are 3 words that spring to mind reading about your partner

[Wolfiefan]

You told him to get out of your sight? YABU.
Don't sulk and strop.
Maybe he intended to walk the dog before you got home. He wasn't to know you would get back early.
I'm happy to walk the dog in the dark. I don't need a chivalrous knight to do it for me.
Not sure how his hobbies and free time come into it.
Neither of you sound like you are getting much out of this relationship.

[highinthesky]

DH isn't a mindreader.

You were feeling ill, over-worked and stressed so I can understand your annoyance at having to deal with the dog instead of crawling into bed. Perhaps if you'd texted DH with an update it could have been avoided.

[Ellisandra]

If it possible to innocently ask if the house is tidy?
I don't think so.

Dog walking - yes, it can be passive aggressive shite or a genuine enquiry so you know if you're doing it.

But asking if a house is tidy? That isn't conversational. Be honest with yourself why you asked that.

I don't think he's at fault for:

• you martyring yourself at work when ill
  
• you being out in the dark
  
• you telling him to get out of your sight!
  

What's the backstory here?

He certainly should have walked and fed the dog. Sounds like a second marriage though, as you say "his daughter". Is it his dog too?

I know I sound like I'm backing him, just to be clear he doesn't sound nice at all. But you also don't appear blameless in how this played out.

I think any relationship where you can't text "ugh - I feel crap! Honey, can you please walk Rex so I can collapse instead of doing it?" is one that you need to think about whether you want to stay in.

[debsterlee1]

Thanks Teddy, and believe me, I did want to swing for him!!
And thanks Wolfe, I believe his intention was to walk the dog before I got in but why couldn't he do it before he went? The only things the poor dog looks forward to is food and walks!
And your right, I most definitely do not need a chivalrous knight, anyone who approached me during the walk would able to testify to that but come on, when your feeling crappy, everyone needs a bit of looking after!
His hobbies come into it because he selfishly puts them before everyone, and this weekend he has had hrs of time kitesurfing, skateboarding and anything else!

[Gazelda]

If anyone told me to 'get out of their sight', I'd assume they realised that they were speaking to me as though I was a child. I'd be tempted to respond childishly.
This having followed the texts that could reasonably be construed as 'nagging', I think I'd be considering packing my bags.
YANBU about the poor dog, but I can't see any other fault he's made.
You were ill. You wanted to be taken care of. But he's not a mind reader and your confrontational approach probably voided any thoughts he may have had to nurse you.

[debsterlee1]

Hi Ellisandra
Yes, there is more of a back story. Like I said, he prob works 3 days a wk whilst I work 40 hrs plus, as well as organise everything (mortgage, dog, bills, his daughter), so the very least I would expect is for the house to be tidy when I get in. That isn't to say I don't do my fair share!
At work, yes, I am a martyr by staying but I am also the coordinator of the shift and also have a strong work ethic which doesn't include taking time off for minor ailments.
It is our first marriage and yes his daughter who has recently come to live with us, but also our dog.
With all the responsibility of work, the house and everything else that takes more than a minute of concentration, all I wanted was a bit of kindness where I could just curl up and put on the pj's!
Generally all of our arguments are about responsibility!
For instance, when we first got the pooch, he didn't even think she regularly needed going out and a run around the garden was enough! (She's an americanot bulldog!) Or that her teeth needed cleaning!

[debsterlee1]

If I didn't 'nag' nothing would ever get done, believe me!!

[Ellisandra]

Genuine question: why are you with him?
He's not someone that would suit me.

[debsterlee1]

Because 90% of the time we get on fabulously but it's this responsibility thing!

[Adora10]

So to be with him involves you nagging him to take any responsibility even for his own child and dog.

You didn't react well but you were understandably angry. Him mimicking you slaps of disrespect and contempt.

I guess you both need to get this all out on the table otherwise I don't see anything changing.

[Adora10]

You get on fabulously just as long as he doesn't have to do anything; you shouldn't have to nag him, he's either in it 50/50 or he's not; personally it has to be an equal relationship for me; especially when you are working long shifts. Doesn't sound like a team, or an equal partnership, you should not have to nag to get him to partake in what he already knows are also his responsibilities.

[debsterlee1]

Exactly that Adora10!
Even his own daughter (13) had to nag him to sit down and fill in a child benefit forms because even she knows it won't get done!
It's like he loves me having the responsibility of everything and taking charge, EXCEPT when it involves me 'nagging' him! Whoever invented that word needs shooting! 😣

[debsterlee1]

God it feels good to talk to you all! I've only just discovered this site but thank you!

[Adora10]

I'm afraid for me having to nag signifies a lack of respect and good communication.

If you want to continue with him then you are going to have to thrash this out, and even set up a schedule, rota, he's working 3 days a week, why is that, is he just bone idle?

[debsterlee1]

Yes it does signify a lack of respect and I hate nagging!! Nagging turms you into something your not and something that i didnt have to do living on my own!
We have thrashed this out numerous times and he has tried to a degree, but all the bills and mortgage etc are in my name because he was made bankrupt before I met him but has he doneeds anything to improve his credit??
No, he'd worked 3 days because of lack of materials, m.o.t for his van and taking g daughter to Wales. He is subcontracted but does work hard to be fair, but probably averages less than 30 hrs a wk

[Opentooffers]

So you are liable for paying all the bills, but he owns half of everything you have as you are married. You also get to be responsible for any of his debts as married, great position he's in - not so good for you.
You say the dog is both of yours and you must of had an inkling of his lack of organisation before financially tying yourself to him, so this could of been foreseen perhaps.
More worryingly, he may have also foreseen what he would get out of this arrangement - comfy home, dog, family, all provided, with minimum input necessary on his part. I'd guess that now he's got his needs met, he doesn't need to try anymore as he's got it all. Till now, you've been very willing to provide, but that has not earnt you his respect, he's now learnt what a push-over you can be and likely thinks that you will continue to do all as long as he chucks in a few moments of getting on well in between.
His proposal, or yours initially?

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

How can he be fabulous 90% of the time if 100% of the time he leaves everything to you?

Do you mean that 90% of the time you can avoid thinking about his laziness well enough to enjoy being with him?

[LesisMiserable]

I think.you were being snide asking about the housework. The dog I agree with. You sound annoyed that he spent the day having fun with his daughter.