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Old friends dropping me since seperation

(15 Posts)
Octopush114 Wed 12-Apr-17 13:07:22

Two years ago I separated from my partner of 16 years with whom I had two children. It's been tough learning to be a single mother with busy career, supporting my kids as best I can and come to terms with being unlikely to ever have a relationship again. That's my choice and it has taken two years of thinking to change the way I treat myself and my approach to relationships.
Anyway- mostly I've had terrific friends and great support from far and wide. The relationship was emotionally abusive and it took me a long time to first see how bad it was and since we've separated, address some of the damage.
But there are a few friendships that seem to have dissolved and I'm feeling really confused why. Two pairs of very old friends have more or less dropped me and my children. The families, with children the same age as mine go on holidays together- holidays my family used to go on too and seem to catch up quite frequently. I had a 40th birthday last year and had a big party- only the male partners came, and only at the last minute. I've suggested other times to met up but there's generally a lack of enthusiasm. Last week one of these friends texted as he was passing by my house. I was away but mentioned that it would be great to catch up next time the whole group was away, perhaps. He replied that his wife would be in my city the following week with their kids for an event and as a result we made a tentative arrangement to met up today. Now- I totally stuffed up today. I'm working from home over the holidays and today a staff member was ill, I was trying to do things from home, a friend asked my son over to play...and I totally forgot my arrangement to meet my friend and her sons. When I remembered (too late to meet) I texted my profuse apologies. This is not like me- I would never normally forget but today- I did. She replied that her sons were disappointed...and that's it. I know it's my fault today but I just feel really left out of it all. I get the feeling they don't need or want to continue our relationship. And I get the feeling that it's driven more by the women than the men. Do they see me as 'dangerous' now I'm single? Or coping too well? Or is my situation too 'close to home' perhaps. Are my kids too well adjusted, smart and intelligent?? I have thought this of a few acquaintances- but these two couples are some of my oldest friends and they know me and my kids really well. Maybe they just never liked us?? I don't know...

Wellitwouldbenice Wed 12-Apr-17 13:16:18

Are your kids too intelligent? Are you irresistible to married men? Or are you quite arrogant? ...and flakey as a friend?

Octopush114 Wed 12-Apr-17 13:24:09

"Are your kids too intelligent? Are you irresistible to married men? Or are you quite arrogant?"
I don't think anything of the sort. But one of the women is super competitive and has always struggled with what she thinks I do 'better' than her. She was my ex's old GF and even over that it felt like she thought Id 'won' (obviously I haven't). I try not to be flakey. I have been pretty depressed so I probably have been though.

Cricrichan Wed 12-Apr-17 13:57:06

They sound as if you threaten them somehow. Either by making them question their own relationship or because they think their men may be attracted to you. They don't sound like real friends op so not great loss. I shave plenty of friends who've become single and they're still my friends and still get invited like they would have done before.

Happybunny19 Wed 12-Apr-17 14:07:25

Sounds more like a bitchy ex of your EXH than a real friend TBH, you don't need people like that in your life when you are already low. I think the women sound really threatened by you, which is their problem, don't make it yours. Life's just too short to spend time with shit "friends" flowerscake

Cricrichan Wed 12-Apr-17 14:10:53

*i have - i hardly shave myself let alone my friends!

finnmcool Wed 12-Apr-17 14:17:45

My mum had this when my dad died. He was 52, mum was 45.
It was incredibly distressing and hurtful at the time, but the people who stayed I mum's life have proved to be fantastic friends.
For what it's worth, I've been single for a long time and I have learnt that if friends have a problem with that, it's on them, not me and they clearly aren't good friends.

ravenmum Wed 12-Apr-17 14:21:37

In this case, you are the one who forgot the arrangement - maybe your friends are wondering why you are not so keen to see them any more! Have you generally been so busy? How did you use to meet up with them - did you have more time to hang about together before? Was your ex the one who arranged meetings? Have you moved home and don't bump into each other as much?

I have a friend who always makes a big fuss about asking a single person as she feels like she needs to ask another single person too, so that the one singleton won't feel like the odd one out. However many times I tell her that I'm perfectly happy to meet up with her and her partner alone, she keeps asking if my ex-bf or my much-too-new-and-casual bf could come on a couples day out instead. Are your friends like that at all?

Ellisandra Wed 12-Apr-17 14:34:04

I think the comment about your kids being too smart is a bit weird.
Also weird that you're posting about them dropping you, when it was you that flaked out on the meet!

I find a lot of people are just stuck in a couples mindset. It's possibly no more sinister than that - though of course that's crap and disappointing.

If one of the women is your ex's ex, were these people originally "his friends"? They may still see themselves that way.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 12-Apr-17 15:24:41

I think married women do feel threatened by single women.
I'm newly single and our friends (next door), well the woman, has almost blanked me.
We used to go round there all the time. They still invite Ex round although I was the one who was shat on from a great height.
I was expecting her to be quite supportive but she's gone totally the other way.
It's very strange.
After past experience I would never in a million years go any where near a married man.
He is fine with me. It's her that seems to have an issue with me.
Do you have other supportive friends?
I would drop these people if you do.

user1492009984 Wed 12-Apr-17 16:39:21

I'm the OP- after the first message from Wellitwouldbenice, I took myself off MN because I felt I was being pathetic and mean. But couldn't help watching the thread anyhow. Anyway the comment about my kids being so well adjusted etc was me being sarcastic (they're just nice normal kids and I wouldn't pretend that they are anything else- I'm lucky to have them). But the thread's reaction to my comment made me think about why I wrote it. I do think that one of the friends is quite threatened by me. I think she finds me intimidating, successful, coping and my kids clever etcetc. We're just normal and there's lots happening -like depression that I haven't let anyone know about. But for her it is a competition. Why, I don't really get. She, after all is the one still married and has a great career and lovely kids. She also 'ditched' me about 10 years ago when I had a series of miscarriages. She had one about the same time too, but then happily got pregnant with her second child- as did I soon after. Later she said she was 'protecting' my feelings but I think possibly she felt like I was stealing her role as central upset miscarriage sufferer. Who knows.

Anyway- yes I am very sorry that I missed my other friend today. I used to see her alot when the kids were young and before my ex became seriously weird and controlling. She hasn't invited us over or accepted any invitations for two years even though he's out of the picture now. her husband is my oldest friend in the UK, I supported him through the end of his first marriage.I introduced them. Both other families have just been on a much Facebook posted holiday together. I do have lots of other friends but the loss of these very old friends who I went through all the ups and downs of pregnancy and child-rearing with- I don't get it. Then again- I thought I'd be with my partner forever too

Isetan Wed 12-Apr-17 16:46:21

Why can't you have a candid conversation with your 'oldest friends'? TBH your 'are my kids too intelligent?' statement doesn't set you in the best light.

Potplant Wed 12-Apr-17 16:56:53

I'm in a similar position.
all of my friends are/we're couple friends, and seem to have picked him. I had to hide so many of them from FB as it was really upsetting to see them doing things I hadn't been invited to.

user1492009984 Wed 12-Apr-17 17:00:55

Sorry! It sounded so ridiculous to me when I wrote it! As did the idea I was a dangerous single woman about to seduce my oldest friends! Or the idea that I'm coping at all...

Anyway, yes. Maybe I should just ask them. I...hate confrontation. Think...many many years of being 'trained' by the ExH to think I am unlikeable, unreasonable etc. I guess I thought I tried the other day when I asked to be included on the next outing...but got the brush off. Not a direct question though.

I might say- my friend wasn't coming to see me or the kids today, she just happened to be in the same city for another event. She didn't think to plan anything with us before I asked if we could meet.

EdSheeranswife Wed 12-Apr-17 17:03:59

I had this happen, the worst was that we lived next to our work. When it all came out about his affair with the ow in our work (known her 5 years and worked together) I quit my job ready to move back to my home town with my kids. In that month before I left not one of my friends/work mates came to see me. They went out of their way to avoid me. I had done nothing wrong. Best was that they complained to my exh why I took them off Facebook. People can be nasty, especially when it comes to break ups. You don't need people like that in your life! Fuck them

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