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Help dealing with dw sexting(306 Posts)
My dw and I have been together for nearly 16 years now, met as 15yo and neither of us had any real relationships prior to meeting up (nothing longer than a year). We are the same age.
Like all couples we've had ups and downs over the years, for me the worst bit was a one night stand she had at uni aged 18/19 which I forgave long ago. Only bring this up as what I'm about to discuss has brought the memory back.
We have 2 ds and had a difficult time with #2 being 5 weeks early and subsequent health issue for him (all better now). In hindsight I think we both went through a period of depression over this. Like a lot of couples, sex disappeared after having #2 (until recently only 1 "fooling around" session in about 6m) and some of this is down to juggling young family, work and basically being too tired to do anything by the time ds x2 are asleep.
We've both said recently about needing to make a bit more effort towards each other sexually as we take each other for granted in that way, 15 yrs together and sex is still important to us but not essential.
So backstory over, here's my dilemma....
Shortly after talking about making more effort with each other, dw and I slept together for the first time in ages and it was amazing, felt really connected to her again and both very happy.
Then the next day I was using her phone to check Facebook (I don't have an account and we've shared hers for years) when I noticed an app I've never seen before in a folder with random stuff she never uses. Opened it and it was a chat room app where she had been talking dirty to a few guys! I only had a few seconds to take it in as she came back into the room so I closed it again and said nothing as wanted to wait for her to be in the bathroom etc to have a better look. She was on her phone a lot that night which is unusual as she normally uses iPad and I guess subconsciously this is what made me use phone not iPad for checking Facebook. When it came to bedtime I tried to take up some stuff for her as usual, including phone and she made excuse to keep it. When she came up and went to bathroom I checked again and she'd deleted app but I found a few topless pics in her deleted folder of photo album. Confronted her about it and she said that it had only been going on a few days, she planned on stopping anyway, was bored when I'm at work during the weekend (and joked she was fed up of watching peppa pig) and apologised. I went to sleep downstairs and she sent a lovely text saying how bad she felt and begging forgiveness.
Next couple of days were a bit awkward as we discussed it a few times but agreed to move on and things felt a lot better, we seemed closer and both genuinely in a better headspace. I had said that I can move on as long as it stops.
Then on Friday when she was in the shower after we'd been intimate again, I got a burst of paranoia and checked phone to find she had searched for the app again (nothing on phone and I know it was a new search as I'd put Spotify on phone that morning for her). Said nothing, went to sleep having closed App Store. In the morning (after I'd been up a few hours with eldest ds) she came downstairs as I needed to go to work and I checked phone again, she'd obviously been back on again whilst I was downstairs! Again said nothing as we were in really good place (apart from me inside).
Sunday after work I asked her if there was anything to tell me and she said no, told her I knew she was still going online and she admitted that she was and found it a confidence boost (she has always been conscious about weight) as well as just chatting normally (not just sexy talk) as we don't have any close friends and sometimes when I'm working she feels isolated from the world.
I told her that I could understand (genuinely can) and said what hurt more was her hiding it still by waiting for me to go to work and then deleting app. I said that if it was helping her confidence, helping us be more intimate and helping her be happier then I could forgive and as long as she just left app on phone rather than sneaking around, I'd overlook it. Asked her to stick to chat not pics though and she agreed to just Facebook type pics not sexual.
It's now Wednesday morning and I know that she has been on several times a day since Sunday (I've checked a few times despite her keeping phone close to her). I've read a lot of the chat and it is a mix of normal talk like movies etc but there are a few guys where the dirty talk is pretty full on and (worse imo) she has been sneaking off a few times to take more pics (which I've seen - not as raunchy but still one topless one).
My real issue is this - it is obviously making her happy and has helped improve things in both our day to day relationship as well as massively sparking our sex life. I have zero worries ATM about her doing anything physical as she is telling people she's got a partner and lives 50 odd miles away from where we actually live. I don't want to keep confronting her as she'll know I'm looking and hide things again and also I genuinely want her to be happy. She is a teacher and as it's half term now I think she will "calm down a bit" once back at work as won't have as much free time.
The question is, am I doing the right thing by letting her have some "harmless" fun online as it is clearly helping her (and us) reconnect after a hard year? I don't want to drive a wedge between us again and admittedly it is a bit of a turn on sometimes but the sneaking off to take pics as well as her being up late at night sexting (when she gets up for the loo) is still bothering me a lot. Also, it's only been going on for just over a week so am I just being over sensitive/justifiably so still as it's so fresh and need to give it until she's back at work to properly assess the extent of the problem?
Sorry for the ramble!
Is it really harmless? You need to decide what is OK with you, if you really can go on with her doing this then maybe you should.
But you need to figure out what you can accept in your relationship before talking about it with her again.
I would consider what she did as cheating and I don't know if I could get over it happening once let alone continuing to happen.
I don't think you're being at all over-sensitive; I know I wouldn't be happy if my partner was sending texts like that to random people online.
Does your wife have any other friends in real life she can see? Maybe she is missing adult company during the day and could do with making new friends (obviously platonic ones!)
I think you're being very understanding but you can ask her to stop and I think you should as it makes you uncomfortable
Maybe look at why she needs this extra validation from strangers as well; do you compliment her a lot and make her feel loved? She may even benefit from some therapy to address her low self esteem and maybe you can suggest this
I normally rarely comment but had to reply to you.
Let me get this straight:
You caught your wife sexting. Told her to stop. She hasn't.
You then told her to stop sending sexy pics. She hasn't.
You are not worried about her cheating " ATM" because the guys she is contacting are over 50 miles away. Not because she loves and is faithful to you but because of lucky distance . What happens when a guy 1 to 2 miles away contacts her??
Every relationship is unique and posting on a messageboard you can never get the full picture, but damn it, you sound like a door mat!!
You want your wife to be happy, she sent you a lovely text, you "genuinely understand" her sexting etc. What about you being happy? What about you having a wife you can trust? What about you having a wife who doesnt flash her naked breasts at strangers online?
The fact she is doing this right under your nose is another troubling thing.
Given the benefits its bringing your sex life, I initially thought "why not".
However, consider this:
Firstly you discovered her using the app and said you were unhappy with this. She apologised, deleted it, and promised not to use it again.
She used it again.
You then agreed a compromise that she would use app to text and chat, but not to send nude pics.
She sent nude pics.
There is a pattern here where she is verbally agreeing boundaries but clearly doesn't care about keeping them.
She may be currently telling people she has a partner and lives in Birmingham but I would put money on that going out the window too.
You got together incredibly young and I guess part of the allure for her is that she feels she has missed out on playing the field. Would opening the relationship be a possibility for both of you? However, she'd have to somehow prove that she'd keep the boundaries that you would both agree.
I agree with Sammy you do sound like a doormat.
She's a liar, Some people have that ingrained in them she sounds like one of them, She's not even very good at it knowing you can see what she is doing and I think the fact that she doesn't even try and cover her tracks shows she knows she has got you where she wants you to be honest, She knows you will always forgive her and she can do what she likes..
As for being lonely while your at work wtf?
I'm a housewife and there is no way I would be texting other men because I was bored what a rubbish excuse!
Stop being a doormat.
This is all very odd.. you have basically given her permission to continue and so she is. I think you need to have a conversation with her and address the issues with your marriage and her self esteem issues. Her sneaking off to send random blokes on the internet topless pictures whilst DC watch Peppa Pig is just grim
I think you're mad putting up with this as it's given your sex life a boost. It's already bothering you as you're checking up on her more and noticing when she sneaks off.
This will only escalate, ( who gets up in the middle of the night to sext blokes and send pictures?) and she could very likely end up in a emotional affair or even a full blown one. Don't delude yourself that she's too far away to do anything physical, especially if she's at home all day and you're at work. A couple of hours drive is nothing.
I don't buy the whole 'I'm on my own' excuse either. My DP works shifts and sometimes I only see him one evening a week. I wouldn't dream of doing the stuff your DW does.
This is awful behaviour - sending topless pics to men she doesn't know behind your back? You need to confront your wife, stop treading on eggshells and ask her what she wants out of your relationship. You now can't trust her and if you don't have trust, then why carry on. We all get bored at times but not everyone resorts to sexting!
This is weird. How is her sexting other men helping you reconnect? Sorry, but it's lame behaviour on both sides - her for sneaking off to take her sordid little snaps to send to other men and you for giving her permission to do so. Unless it actually doesn't bother you that much? How would she react to you sexting numerous other women?
Every inch you give this woman, she takes a mile. You're married to a compulsive liar and cheat, you can't keep swallowing her bs and expect different results.
Shoxfordian - no there isn't really anyone that she can talk to/go for a girly night out with as all friends are Facebook based now due to us moving around a lot for work. She has said before that sometimes the only adult she ever gets to talk to outside of work is me or her mum and when we discussed her going online she did say adult conversation was one of the attractions (normal chat not just sex talk).
I do compliment her but I think she doesn't always believe it as I'm her husband and she thinks id say it even if it wasn't true whereas a stranger doesn't have a reason to be nice just for the sake of it.
SammyL100 - the lack of worry about her meeting irl wasn't just about the distance, I genuinely don't think she's after anything more than some excitement online, if it did come to that then we'd be over as I wouldn't forgive that.
Notthefordtype - she has said to me that she sometimes feels she missed out on experiences with others, going clubbing etc as we got together so young and that, although she's happy with everything we have she sometimes wishes she's had a few "free years" before meeting me to get it out of her system as it were. Not sure about opening the relationship up atm as still a bit too fresh.
Jeff Jarrett - it's not just been the sex boost, she does seem happier in general, more confident etc which is what I see as the positive as hate seeing her down about her looks etc. also she's been so bad at hiding this that I can't see her getting away with hooking up as she would slip up and knows if leave her, taking as much time away from the kids as I could from her in the process which would cripple her as she worships those boys.
Fritzdonovan- it's helping a bit as she seems much more confident and in turn is happier and less stressed out. I agree what she's doing is wrong but the way I came to my decision was that I love her, don't want to break up our marriage and figured that if I let her do it for a while then the novelty will wear off but she should hopefully retain the confidence/positive attitude
She's taking the piss welly. She's not hiding it because she knows she doesn't have to. Going out for a girly night is not on a par with sending boob pics and sexting other men, so I don't think that excuse is relevant. I'd class this as cheating, but if you're happy with it, fine. Still interested to know if she'd be fine with you doing it though.
I don't think she can use lack of adult conversation as an excuse, I'm a SAHM and yes sometimes you do long to just have a chat with someone who can actually reply! But sex chat is not that, if she wanted to just chat she could have signed up to mumsnet, plenty of people in the same situation and plenty of topics not about DC and housework to entertain you. Equally just because you have moved away with friends doesn't mean she couldn't still talk to them, we moved away from our friends when we had dd and my closest friend is travelling the world, we still text and chat and keep one another updated about our lives.
It's all just excuses, and what she is doing is pretty sordid without the fact that she has a husband and kids who she is sneaking away from to take topless pictures for random wankers on the internet for kicks. So what if it's kick started your sex life, she may well be fantasising about these men she has been messaging what they've said they do to her etc.
She obviously feels she has 'missed out' by not shagging around in her youth, maybe she is a bit bored by married life, but I'm of the opinion that having slept with lots of people does not in fact make for a richer more fulfilling life. I don't imagine it will stop with just texting, so you can chose to accept this and open the relationship or wait for the inevitable affair or leave now. I'm sorry that she has put you in this situation it is a shitty thing for someone who is supposed to love you to do.
Fritz - I wasn't saying it's the same. She has said she's fine with me watching porn and implies I can do chat too but I guess we'd only find out if I did it which I don't want to do.
Op this is only going to get worse.
She is not behaving in a respectful manner towards you or your marriage.
You will need to draw a line and stick to it, or your heart will be hurt.
I would advise counselling you and both her and you as a couple.
Silk pyjamas - just to clarify, she's not taken pics late at night (2am etc) just during the day and to my knowledge only ever when the kids are asleep (so not just abandoning them to take pics).
I do think it's a bit of an early midlife crisis deal as she said something the other day about being a third of the way through her life and so I do think she wonders what she might have missed out on...
At this point in time I do still believe her about it staying online only but obviously my trust in her is at an all time low
Also I know from what I've read that most of what she has said to people is to tell them about what me and her have done in the past. Although the last thing I saw was her telling a guy what we'd done about an hour previously...
It's not a marriage if she's spending all her spare time sending nude pics and sexting other men.
I think this is the beginning of the end, and I'd prepare for that, just incase.
She's told you that she feels she missed out on other people because you got together so quickly, and she's now finding ways to get attention from other people. It may be harmless to you at the moment, but it always escalates. Soon it won't be enough to have random men to talk to, she'll need to chat to them, or meet them, or touch them. You are going to want to dispute that - its natural, when your world implodes - but she's already pushing boundaries.
No app - she just hid it better.
No dirty talk - she carried on.
No photos - she carried on.
She had no idea you wouldn't walk when you saw she'd been sending topless photos to someone else... she chose to do it anyway.
If you're comfortable with this for now, that's absolutely your decision, but don't let her blindside you with her next move.
Totally agree with other posters think this is the beginning of the end you aren't enough for her that's why she isn't hiding it, It seems your relationship with her is all about her and how she feels, She sounds really manipulative.
I definitely have more invested emotionally I think.
Just hard to end things after so long when I feel like there is something still there...
Think I'm going to keep an eye on it a few more weeks and if it hasn't died down at the end of the month give her an ultimatum and some time apart from me and kids so she can decide what she wants
The thing is you're not ok with it and the lies because you keep checking. Whether or not she goes any further is irrelevant because it's already causing problems with you (totally understandable). Also she's a teacher so it's not like she doesn't get adult conversation or a chance to socialise. Surely she has teacher friends? If it's more friends she needs then maybe she should do some classes or join a club or you could both start doing a hobby together. You don't try and fix the problem of lack of local friends and a social life by sexting guys online!
You honestly think, that sending photo's of your bare breasts to random men is "harmless fun"
You need to wake up, and soon.
This is the start of a slippery slope, that WILL end up in her having a full blown affair.
There will be men much closer to home, and it will be easy to hook up with them. In any case, 50 miles is nothing. Before I got married, I travelled much further to meet men, and believe me, if men think they are going to get a shag, they will travel way father than 50 miles for it.
You are being a mug.
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