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I think my husband is abusive. Advice needed please

(109 Posts)

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GiveMeVegemite Wed 12-Apr-17 02:57:27

I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 5. We got together when I was 20 (I met him when I was 17), he is 8 years older than me.

I remember after the 'honeymoon phase' about 6 months in being completely shocked by his behaviour and crying pretty much every day and the stuff he would say to me. The first time I remember it happening was when he was getting ready for a job interview. I came over to him and asked if there was anything I could do to help and he said, "Just fuck off for a while so I can get prepared." No-one I had cared about had ever spoken to me like that. I was so shocked, but I put it down to nerves. I went up to him about 10 minutes later and said, "Are you OK?" and he said "JUST FUCK OFF ALRIGHT!?". Probably should have seen the red flags waving wildly in the wind, but I didn't.....

Our relationship continued with him being totally controlling and verbally and emotional horrible. I spent my whole 20s not seeing my friends. He got me fired from the job that I loved because he called me all day and emailed me constantly and made me leave work early one day (He said if I didn't leave he would turn up at my office and scream at me infront of everyone). ... Which he had done before at my previous job..... SO I left, they went through my emails, saw him emailing me 60 times a day and fired me.

Things settled down a little bit, but he used to push and shove me when we were fighting, punched me in the face once, bruised my arms from grabbing me so hard. I think I ended up just complying with every demand because I didn't want it to end in a fight.

Throughout my 20's I probably went out once every 4 months and had to be home by 10.30pm. The few times that I did stay out later he treated me like shit for about the next 3 months.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I am now 31 and have been with him this whole time. We have 3 beautiful children together, but I do everything for them and everything around the house. I am permanently exhausted and he has never done a night feed, never changed a nappy, sleeps in every weekend morning and doesn't ever do anything with the kids so I can take a break. I am done. I have 3 children, I don't need a giant man- baby making me get him up for work every morning, having all his work clothes ready for him, lunch made for him, dinner ready on the table when he gets home and then he sits on his laptop all evening whist I run around doing everything for the boys, (4,3, and 1). I put them to bed and then have an hours worth of cleaning before I can sit down and relax (and then I'm up 2/3 times a night to do night feeds).

Writing this I can pretty much see that he is abusive. He no longer hurts my physically but he calls me 'horrible wife / wench' infront of the boys. Calls me stupid. Refuses to let my mum see the boys or to help me in any way. Wont let me ask anyone for help with the boys. I still never see any friends, he drove a massive wedge between me and my 2 best friends....

So I know that I need to leave, but he is a dirty fighter and I'm so scared he is going to try and take the boys off me, try and use all our money fighting in court so I have nothing left, poison the boys with lies about me, quit his job so he doesn't have to pay child support....and the biggest one of all....kill me. One time we were fighting and he told me if I ever tried to take the kids from him he would kill me and my mother.

This is so long and if anyone has made it this far....what do I do and will it be better if I leave or will he just be 100 times worse?

Advice much appreciated.

IHeartKingThistle Wed 12-Apr-17 03:14:53

Oh this is so sad. You need to get out of there. He doesn't deserve you.

There are loads of people on here who will give you great advice.

Hugs. You sound amazing.

lorelairoryemily Wed 12-Apr-17 03:27:45

Oh I wish I could offer you some advice, I couldn't read and run, you'll get great advice on here though. Pp is right, you sound amazing and he doesn't deserve you. I'll be checking back to see when you get out with your boysflowers

user1481406249 Wed 12-Apr-17 03:36:53

I think it sounds as though you have made up your mind and had enough. From the sounds of it you owe it not only to yourself to leave but also your lovely innocent children. What sort of example is he setting them to call you a wench etc. Perhaps seek advice through the citizens advice bureau about your rights etc. Do this on the quiet and in preparation so that when you are ready to go you can. He certainly sounds like an unpleasant controlling bully. Wishing you all the best x

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Wed 12-Apr-17 03:39:56

You need to start making an exit plan. Can you get passports birth and marriage certs easily? Bank details?Contact women's aid asap (when it's safe). Does your mum know? As Thistle said, there are loads of people here who can give very detailed help, but one thing leaps out to me- the threats to kill you and your mother- I'd be making sure those are taken seriously.
Main thing is stay safe though, cover your tracks.

YokoReturns Wed 12-Apr-17 03:42:01

Some very wise people will be along in a while to advise you flowers

I see it said often on here, but leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Get a lawyer, get your mum on board (in secret if necessary), photocopy all documents and screenshot abusive messages.

You are very brave OP flowers good luck to you and your boys

GiveMeVegemite Wed 12-Apr-17 04:00:55

Thank you for your posts. I am scared, but I know it will be the right thing to do.

I'll start getting everything in order now so that when I feel the time is right I can leave.

My mum and my ex-best friend are both on board. Both have emails from me dating back almost 10 years with details of the abuse he has done, plus I went to the police one time so that is also on record.

In my most optimistic dreams he will be OK with having the boys 2 nights a week and not make my life hell for the next 10 plus years, but I seriously doubt it....

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs Wed 12-Apr-17 04:09:56

Does sound like you need to get gone. It's great you have your mum and bf I support. I hope it goes well for you x

Gallavich Wed 12-Apr-17 04:14:38

Call women's aid for advice flowers
You need a safety plan before you leave.

monniemae Wed 12-Apr-17 05:06:47

Women's Aid. You can do this, and they can help you do it safely. Good luck xxxxx

Atenco Wed 12-Apr-17 05:48:00

You can do this, but do get advice from Women's Aid to make it as safe as possible.

HowamIgoingtocope Wed 12-Apr-17 05:53:59

As said. You need an exit plan. Contact the domestic abuse helpline . Plan get I a date when he won't be there and go. With the boys. A refuge first. You need to be about people who can help. You. It doesn't matter if you move out with nothing. Just go. Take the boys their passports and all their birth certificates . Give them to a freind you can trust. Make thw plan and go. Both thwm and women's aid will help you make it as . as possible.

HowamIgoingtocope Wed 12-Apr-17 05:55:17

Open a bank a count in your name and start drip feeding it with money. Small amounts. Get some put aside. He doesn't have to know about tit.

rizlett Wed 12-Apr-17 05:55:22

Please contact womens aid - if he is a dirty fighter already - he will stoop to depths you have only imagined - and you will need as much support and knowledge legally as well as emotionally as you can get. I know it might feel as though you shouldn't need extra help but once you get over that feeling they are amazing and will help you and your dc change your lives.

Maryberryjam Wed 12-Apr-17 06:03:38

Please contact womans aid, you are at most risk of harm when leaving an abusive relationship. They will help you make a plan to leave safely. Life is so much better on the other side of fear.
Good luck, you can do this but please get sone help and advice

GiveMeVegemite Wed 12-Apr-17 06:28:17

I was kind of hoping if I tried to break up on good terms I wouldn't need to run off to a shelter, as I thought that would make him more dangerous, if he thought I was trying to take the boys from him.

I was planning on having a statement ready to get an AVO from the police if he started threatening me and telling my mum and the police the day/time I was planning on breaking up with him so they knew it was a dangerous situation and could respond quickly. If he went to harm me and I told him that he would be in jail and I would be dead and our boys would have to be in foster care I would hope that would be enough to stop him, but who knows. I have seen times when he has been so angry his eyes have gone black, like he is possessed by a demon (I know that sounds ridiculous, but its terrifying) and at times like that I don't think there would be any reasoning with him.

We have lots of different back accounts so I need to make sure I have access to all of them and I will transfer 50% of the money from them into a separate account in my name on the day I plan to do it.

I don't want to be in fear the rest of my life so I think I need to be upfront with him about leaving, otherwise if I run I will constantly be looking over my shoulder. He has some seriously dogey mates who I know he could pay to kill me if he wanted to and knowing him, if I ran, he would see that as taking the boys from him and he would feel justified in killing me.

So basically I need to call various helplines and get as much info as possible, gather all important documents, start the process of getting an AVO, and then tell him I am leaving (after first informing by mum and the police). Is there anything else? Have a rental sorted? Should I have someone stay with me the first few nights incase he tries anything? When are the usually dangerous? During the break up or after? Its all really stressful....

MrsPringles Wed 12-Apr-17 06:34:32

Nothing helpful to add but op, you're very brave. Get you and your boys out of there and don't look back. Good luck flowers

Lessthanaballpark Wed 12-Apr-17 06:43:24

Wow. I think you need to have protection for longer than a few days.

It's a good idea to have people around whilst you're doing it but the most dangerous point for a woman isn't just when she finishes with her partner but also after it.

You should really contact Women's Aid.

AlternativeTentacle Wed 12-Apr-17 06:45:34

Not sure telling him you are leaving before you leave is ever a good idea with abusive and violent men. You need to get the advice of experts and don't trust that he is likely to be reasonable about this.

DancingLedge Wed 12-Apr-17 06:48:18

Don't tell him you're leaving until AFTER you have made an exit. You would be putting your life in danger. Please contact Women's Aid, so experienced people can support and guide you.

You're being so brave. He he's told you who he is. Believe him.
He will not be able to take your children.

Shayelle Wed 12-Apr-17 07:00:24

My first LTB. You sound fucking fabulous btw xx

Devilishpyjamas Wed 12-Apr-17 07:03:33

Yes please contact women's aid. I was on a course this week and told that women leaving are at particular risk for one year after leaving (that's when there is a spike) - so you do need to think ahead about how to protect yourself for a longer than a few days.

newdaylight Wed 12-Apr-17 07:10:03

My advice.
Firstly contact Womens Aid as others have said. Their advice is the best, they support women to leave relationships like this every day, and support them through the journey afterwards as well.

Speak to key family member - I think you mentioned your mum? Tell her about it but make sure by no means she passes info on in a way it could get back to DH before you do leave.

There are places like refuges you can go to with help of Women's Aid, temporarily while you set up other housing. However if you're confident enough that you can do it with the resources you already have then I guess go ahead. I would advise to locate a house that is far enough away that the boys have to change any pre-schools/nurseries they attend if they do (DH will try and pick them up otherwise).

In the meantime is there anyone you can stay with temporarily while you get the house sorted, anyone your DH won't know about? If not, speak to Women's Aid about it and consider carefully if a refuge is required or not.

Very Important
Do not tell him you are leaving (you mentioned this is your last post)
Do not take his threats to kill you lightly.
Do not give him your new address.
Abusive partners are sadly most likely to kill or seriously injure people soon after separation. He needs to not have a clue where you are. No mutual friends can now. Your mum might need to consider her safety too.

You need to get out when he has no idea. Do you drive? Do you have a car? I'm guessing not, but maybe your family can help. Is there periods when he is out for several hours so you can pack?

Once you're out, do not speak to him, do not allow him to speak to the boys. Keep all messages he sends - if they are abusive this will be evidence.

I suspect that he will try and continue to make your life hell. Therefore consider taking and keeping any evidence you have of the abuse (photos of injuries? any written/texted information - I see there's the email trail and police information)

Also, if i were you I'd not be happy about the boys seeing him. He's never done anything for them, he would likely be hugely critical of you perhaps even make threats about you - and this stuff is hugely damaging for children. Also, if he gets another partner imagine what they would continue witnessing.

Clearly he will try and get contact. Keep your evidence and I'd propose you actually make the first step by going to the police and seeing if they can prosecute him. Coercive control is a crime, here may be evidence to support prosecution.
Tell the police about places you have worked - emails may have been kept (the ones that got you sacked) and people who previously worked at your older job may remember him screaming at you. Remember any names? Pass them to police.

When you're in a new property, continue to keep any texts/messages he sends and go to the police when they are abusive or even just continuous as they will be able to make orders against him contacting you at all, and then if he continues it would become an arrestable offence (all of which would work in your favour in any court disputes).

Even though he will not know where you are, he will try and find out. Speak to police about getting your new house "tagged", where any calls to the police are treated with highest priority. Safety measures can also include alarm systems all round the doors and windows. Whether police will agree to do this or not is up to you, they may wait to see if he finds your address first.

Sorry this message is a bit garbled, but hopefully practical and helpful. It might sound like a lot to take in, and a lot to do, but it's so important you do it. This is not just your lives now, it's your children's lives and they deserve to be free from this bloke too.

GiveMeVegemite Wed 12-Apr-17 07:10:26

Ok, so how do I protect myself for a year? Get an AVO out against him? Not tell him where I am living? He has a gun licence so can I get that revoked??

I will definitely call women aid after the school holidays. I wouldn't want any of my kids innocently repeating what they heard me saying on the phone and him finding out.

I would LOVE to leave without telling him, but I do think that will make him worse. I will think about it though and do it in the safest way possible for me and my kids, even if that means leaving without telling him....

newdaylight Wed 12-Apr-17 07:12:41

Also, if you can't take everything you need at the time you leave, don't worry too much. It's best if you can get it all in one go, but most important is you get out of there. If you go to the police as I suggested above, the police should be able to escort you to the house to pick up any belongings. It's a difficult time, he'll probably be absolutely lovely to try and tempt you back (in front of the officers) but it would be the only safe way of getting your belongings.

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