Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

i cant sleep, i feel that is time to leave but how do you know if is the right decision

(17 Posts)
onemistakeafterother Wed 12-Apr-17 01:36:58

I am with DP nearly three years. We have plans for him to come and live with me , get married and have kids and make a family. But for long time now i cant shake the feeling that this is the wrong decision and that i have to leave. My DP is perfect. Everything is amazing. As long as you always agree with him and never say anything that he perceives as wrong or hurtful Every time that i decide that i need to move on, even if he doesnt know about it, he becomes this amazing man . Until the next time things dont go his way.
Tonight, for one more time i am trying to make a decision but he has messed up with my head so much. I see myself so different than what i used to be, i am scared to talk and when i do i try to sugarcoat everything i say even the simplest things like i feel lonely or what time he will be back
Earlier he had plans to go out with his sister because is her birthday. At some point while he was getting ready i asked him if he can pay attention to me (i was replying to a question he made) instead of checking the phone and he replied that i better stop this , because he wants to be able to come back home and be happy to see me . Instead the way i made him feel is that he cant wait to get away from me and if i carry on he wont look forward to come back either. Later on i asked him what time about he will be back. The reply was long and aggressive. He said that he wont go rushing to come back because is his sisters birthday and that i better stop this and that he will never leave his family and he hopes that i am not like that when we live together. And he went on and on making the point that i am second best. Note that i never implied anything or said anything more than what time about he will be back. Also note that he has double standards. He will demand from me to be nothing else than first in my life and when he talks or is with me he needs full attention. No music or other things allowed as it takes the attention from him.
This is a little example of how he behaves when you try to say something he doesnt like
I am getting depressed, how do you know that is time to go and never look back

daisychain01 Wed 12-Apr-17 02:09:42

If you feel scared and oppressed, it's time to leave.
If you feel scared and have to sugarcoat everything and walk on egg shells, it's time to leave.
If you have a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know the relationship can never be what you need and deserve, its time to leave.

Hopefully this ^ confirms what you already know and you can find the strength to leave.

myoriginal3 Wed 12-Apr-17 02:18:10

Now.

nicenewdusters Wed 12-Apr-17 02:19:08

You absolutely have to leave, now, before you are tied to this man. How can you contemplate a future with someone who is so controlling, who already makes you watch every word you say.
Don't discuss anything with him. He'll mess with your head and try and talk you out of it.
Just get away from him, let him know by text/email, I wouldn't even tell him face to face.

GiveMeVegemite Wed 12-Apr-17 03:02:38

I just started my own thread, but it is like your, just 10 years, marriage and 3 kids later.

I wish I had, had the courage to leave before we moved in together and got married. There were so many red flags that I ignored when though I used to tell myself 'I won't be with him forever, I'll just stay a bit longer' cos it was easier.

I know you have to decide for yourself, but better to do it now than when you are married with kids.

MusicIsMedicine Wed 12-Apr-17 05:13:48

You just told my story.

If you have to tiptoe round them and can never disagree, that is a fucking massive, huge, red flag alarm right there!!!!

Unfortunately I didn't see what you can see, early on and mine turned aggressive and violent when I started standing up for myself and our baby after a long period of him completely oppressing me and controlling everything and I mean everything.

Walk away or you will live to seriously regret this.

When you have no voice in a relationship, you are not respected nor are you an equal. He has already found ways and means to control you and to keep you in your box and you are tip toeing round him for fear of rocking the boat.

These men are highly dangerous and they hide it very well until they have you exactly where they want you, weakened and a shadow of your old self and totally subservient to their control and manipulation.

I beg of you to listen to that inner voice like your life depends on it and do not get trapped with children with this man and certainly not married.

Walk away. Your gut instincts are screaming at you for a reason.

MusicIsMedicine Wed 12-Apr-17 05:23:54

This man is emotionally abusive and a control freak. You asked him a simple question and look at the response. Why are you putting up with this? Get assertive! Inform him that you will not be spoken to in that manner and repeat your question.

He is concerned what living together will be like?! You should be the one saying that to him!! Look him in the eye and tell him this conduct falls far short of what you expect in a relationship!!

He has told you himself you will always be second. Believe me that gets even worse when you have kids with them and the kids are always secondary and you have to see their hurt faces. Save yourself becoming a suicidal wreck and being reduced to a shell and leave!! The sooner the better!!

Read the lundy book why does he do that and you will see he is abusive.

You need to start doing some serious work on your boundaries and getting your self confidence and assertiveness up and stop letting him treat you this way. You do not need his approval or to kow tow to his every command like a robot.

A relationship is a two way street and a man who loves you, listens to your feelings, puts you first and does not tell you how you should feel or react. They certainly do not treat you like shit and then blame you for reacting to it and make themselves out the victim where you end up apologising to and appeasing them when they are in the wrong. That is the coercive control of a classic abusive narcissist.

Please - walk away.

MusicIsMedicine Wed 12-Apr-17 05:25:01

Also, ask yourself why were you not invited to the party!!

rizlett Wed 12-Apr-17 05:47:27

What you describe is not a relationship op - please check out information about controlling men - also - if you do decide to leave - be very careful - men like this get really bad - or really good - for a short while (long term being nice is not sustainable for these types of man) until they have you back under control - like he has done every time you have decided to end it.
You are worth so much more.

onemistakeafterother Wed 12-Apr-17 07:13:31

Thank you all for the replies. I dont have any friends or relatives around me and your words are comforting to me.
The uneasy feeling it was there from early times, i dont know why i ignored it. But i see myself changing so much and at times i feel that i am loosing the sense of what is normal. I am getting very very depressed and if i try to say something , i apparently push his buttons and i make him react with rage. I feel like a child at the hands of an abusive person, when he gets to that state he treats me like i am a child and many times he demands i apologize for my behavior.
I guess i know its time to go, and i am looking some sort of strength to do it

Aussiebean Wed 12-Apr-17 08:57:01

Look at it this way.

You can leave, give yourself some space, spend time without him and see if you feel better, more like yourself and freer. If not, then you know he is the one.

Or you can stay, and continue to feel the way you do now.

By leaving, you give yourself the opportunity to see if things can be better for you again. By staying, you know this is it and will probably be worse when you move in and have children.

Btw. If you do leave. Don't do the face to face break up. He will suck you right back in. Nothing to be ashamed of breaking up by text when the person you are breaking up with has no respect for you.

Sabistick Wed 12-Apr-17 09:14:58

People are saying you should leave, but if i understand it right, you are the one with the property and he is joining you. Surely you are in a better position to say its over , and put his stuff out . Obviously this is hard particularly with no other support i wonder if there are any groups who coukd help with this? You need support to stay resolute.

AtSea1979 Wed 12-Apr-17 09:18:16

You don't need to leave anywhere. You need to end it and stay strong. Why do you think you will regret it?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 12-Apr-17 09:31:56

Google 'NPD - narcissistic personality disorder' You will find your 'D'P there.
Please also get the book 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft.
You will also find your 'D'P in there.
Then contact Womens Aid and ask about their 'Freedom Programme'
There are so so many red flags here and you are starting to see them but you should have spotted them far sooner and left long ago.
Try to attend the Freedom Programme course as it's better to attend in person.
But if you don't have one local to you then you can do it on-line.
link here

End this. This man is manipulator and an abuser.
He doesn't like any attention taken away from him!
Can you imagine if you had a child with this dick-head?
Then the abuse would really ramp up. Guaranteed!

Womens Aid! Call them 0808 2000 247

tellywelly Wed 12-Apr-17 19:16:56

Walk away. You are about to be much more vulnerable - when living together he can exert greater control. (Not to mention being pregnant or having babies / children)

He sounds like a dickhead, you can do better than him.

He's showing you how he feels about you, listen to how he thinks he's so much better than you are.

MusicIsMedicine Thu 20-Apr-17 12:32:01

You have to end this for the sake of your mental health. He will destroy you. That is classic abusive behaviour and it is unacceptable. Control is some very different to love.

Hugs for you. X

Hermonie2016 Thu 20-Apr-17 12:43:19

Op, how are you? The reason you are confused is likely because he switches from nasty to nice.The Nice guy is super nice but it will never last.It is be because you are rational and compassionate that you are trying to make sense of it...but you can't.

Another really good good is "the verbally abusive relationship" .The author discusses how you live in a reality of mutuality and co operation and assume it's the same for him.It isn't..his reality is the opposite.
You can't change him as it's deeply ingrained.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now