Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

should I take back unfaithful husband?? -

(52 Posts)
Readytodrop Tue 11-Apr-17 21:26:28

I'm looking for anyone who has ever been in a similar position just to get advice and other points of view ....

So he was seeing a work colleague but has now come clean and told me all but now wants me back....

We were literally about to get divorced, I have 2 DC 8mo and 3yrs

When people told me he would come running back I swore I wouldn't accept him but now I can't work out what to do

Has anyone come out of this situation and actually been happy??

Help!!!

SandyY2K Tue 11-Apr-17 21:37:39

Did he confess to the affair or did you find out on your own?

I haven't experienced this in marriage, but I do a fair amount of marriage support work and infidelity is one of the regular issues.

I supported couples who have reconciled after a child was born outside of the marriage and lives with the couple.... To couples where the husband slept with over 200 women (escorts and prostitutes) and they chose to reconcile.

Every couple is different and each situation has a degree of being unique.

Many marriages survive infidelity and the couples are happily reconciled. Much depends on things like :

How remorseful the WS is

How much work they put into reconciliation

Whether the BS is able to forgive

Do you still love him? Would you be able to trust him?

WelliesAndPyjamas Tue 11-Apr-17 21:39:13

No.
Have some dignity and pride.
Build yourself a happy life without him.

cherryblossomcarpet Tue 11-Apr-17 21:55:14

Bollocks to the dignity and pride comment. Excuse my language, but seriously? So people who choose to reconcile lack both? I wouldn't say so.

Back to the point, it's a personal thing and no one can give you an answer. I took my DH back, after getting quite a way further down the road to a divorce. I'd not recomend doing this unless you are prepared for a really long, difficult, journey.

Leaving is easy, you go through the pain of divorce, but at the end of it can build a new life for yourself and move on. If you stay you have to live with the person who broke your trust and hurt you more than you could believe was possible. Every year you have to face painful anniversaries, and triggers, each of which can take you right back to the start of it all over again. Worse still is the gradual drip feed of information. He won't have told you everything. They never do. He will have told you at best most of it, at worst the least he thinks he can get away with. Every new piece of information will trigger the hurt all over again, and the uncertainty over 'what else'.

I found the first 4 months relatively easy, largely because I was emotionally numb, and pregnant (a huge influence on my decision to take him back) so I think I dissociated myself from it. The next year after that I wrapped myself up in my baby, and didn't face things. From then on it has got harder and harder and have realised that despite the fact he has done everything by the book to try and fix things, he just can't because I can't forget, or even forgive.

I've been advised on other threads to leave him now (after 5 years). It's so hard, and ironically feels very unfair on him. He's bust a gut for 5 years to make this right and then I chose to walk out and take the kids away from what is basically a loving stable home. We don't fight, there is no atmosphere, I just feel dead inside.

My advice, don't get yourself stuck like me.

JonesTheSteam Tue 11-Apr-17 23:03:10

Bollocks to the dignity and pride comment. Excuse my language, but seriously? So people who choose to reconcile lack both? I wouldn't say so.

Anyone facing this situation needs bravery, dignity and pride; whether they decide to reconcile or leave.

Either path is incredibly difficult and I feel incredibly sorry for anyone facing this situation. It's utterly, utterly shit.

I'm over 3 years on from finding out about my DH's affair.

We stayed together. I am happy. He is happy. It took a while to get here. Am bloody glad I gave him the chance.

Every situation is different. Do what you feel is right. And best for you.

xx

JonesTheSteam Tue 11-Apr-17 23:04:28

Sorry. That wasn't clear. Totallky after with cherryblossom's comment...

JonesTheSteam Tue 11-Apr-17 23:05:14

Gah!

Totally agree

(On phone sorry!)

MusicIsMedicine Tue 11-Apr-17 23:07:34

Get rid. You'll never be able to trust him again and it will make you insane living a life of looking over your shoulder.

Love yourself enough to walk away and find someone decent.

Once a cheat always a cheat.

He knew it would hurt you yet he still did it which shows fuck all respect for you or your feelings.

Don't settle for this. You are worth more.

weekendninja Tue 11-Apr-17 23:08:47

My ex DH had his first affair when my DC were 5 and 3. We stayed together because I was just too scared to make that leap into the unknown. Almost two years to the date after he had his 2nd affair. Also, for those two years I had this anger inside me that I just couldn't shake so it was almost a relief when he did it again. Life is so much better but it would have been so much easier on the DC'S if I'd just left first time.

If you do stay together, do all of the therapy that you can, and make sure you are doing it for YOU and not anyone else.

AnnieAnoniMouse Tue 11-Apr-17 23:18:03

I wouldn't.

I tried really hard to forgive & rebuild our relationship because I loved him. But it just gnawed away at me and we ended up separating. That hurt too, but in a different way. Trying to work it out with someone who has cheated on you is sole destroying and just makes you so insecure & unhappy. That damaged me far more that leaving when I first found out would have.

I'm glad it worked out for Jones, but that's very very, very rare.

ohfourfoxache Tue 11-Apr-17 23:19:41

No

Don't do it

noego Wed 12-Apr-17 00:15:39

Can you cope with all those mistrustful thoughts for the rest of your life? I doubt it. Don't imprison your self with those thoughts. Get shut.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 12-Apr-17 00:18:50

I imagine you have felt shock, upset, panic, anger, numbness.
Now he wants to come back.
What will your bottom line be if you accept his return?
Are you convinced OW is out of the picture not just quietly lurking?

Someone I know says they are nearly two years' on from his confession and she is only just feeling she can breathe easily when he works late or announces a work trip. (Their DCs were small and she had her mum and his both begging her to save the marriage for their DCs' sake. If anyone in the nicest way puts pressure on you tell them you must make up your own mind).

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 12-Apr-17 00:19:00

I imagine you have felt shock, upset, panic, anger, numbness.
Now he wants to come back.
What will your bottom line be if you accept his return?
Are you convinced OW is out of the picture not just quietly lurking?

Someone I know says they are nearly two years' on from his confession and she is only just feeling she can breathe easily when he works late or announces a work trip. (Their DCs were small and she had her mum and his both begging her to save the marriage for their DCs' sake. If anyone in the nicest way puts pressure on you tell them you must make up your own mind).

BlondeBecky1983 Wed 12-Apr-17 00:21:22

Real trust never comes back. There may be times when you think it has but then the old thoughts and fears rear their ugly head. I would walk away.

StrawberryJelly00 Wed 12-Apr-17 00:23:46

I wouldn't take him back without conditions that he addresses the problems that resulted in his cheating in the first place. And if he says he doesn't know what these are then he needs to seek counselling to understand himself better and prevent relapses in his judgement and ability to communicate with you honestly and openly.

If you are planning to take him back without him having to do anything at all then you are basically saying he can do it again

cakedup Wed 12-Apr-17 00:45:21

You could try? I've been in this position, dp begging to get back to me and I missed our relationship so I agreed to it. It was great at first but...it was never the same. I tried to forgive and forget but in reality it slowly ate away at me. No matter how hard he tried and no matter how much I wanted it to work, I just couldn't feel the same about him. I'm glad we tried though because at least I knew for certain it was right when the relationship ended, there were no ifs and buts.

FritzDonovan Wed 12-Apr-17 01:03:39

Real trust never comes back.
Agreed. I thought I had forgiven and forgotten, then MANY years down the line due to some inappropriate boundaries and behaviour (but in all probability nothing physical) in the last year it has all come back. Knowing what he was capable of then means I'm aware he's capable of similar now, but would be certain to hide it better.

BlessYourCottonSocks Wed 12-Apr-17 01:17:22

I wouldn't personally. I took back an ex who cheated on me because of our small DC. And although I guess part of me still loved him, I had absolutely no respect or liking left for him. I eventually just couldn't feel much except contempt for someone who could have treated me like such shit when I was actually pregnant with our youngest. He on the other hand made little effort to make up for his behaviour. Seemed to think we were back together and that was that then. Like you, we were about to get divorced when he suddenly changed his mind and announced he thought he'd made a mistake.

We limped on for another three years, at which point we mutually ended it with 3 kids of 7 and under. And it was much harder on them at that age. In retrospect I regretted taking him back.

The one advice I would offer which was given to me was that if you take him back now then you take him backing knowing and accepting that he has been unfaithful to you, and you are prepared to live with that and move on. You cannot throw it in his face every time you argue or it will never be resolved. He chose to cheat - but you are choosing to take him back knowing that, if that makes sense.

FritzDonovan Wed 12-Apr-17 01:21:58

Also would say that what I would have been fine with before (eg certain boundaries and behaviour, including him going out on a night just himself and his female 'friend') I would totally not accept now, after this recent stuff. That's how much it can mess with your head. If you think it would play on your mind, don't take him back. It's not worth the stress.

Underbeneathsies Wed 12-Apr-17 01:47:08

I'd only take him back if I could get a full refund.
Did you keep the receipt? He's obviously not fit for purpose and is broken.sad

Seriously, I wouldn't unless I was happy to have him cheat on me again.

Whatthefoxgoingon Wed 12-Apr-17 02:34:29

No I wouldn't. You can't trust him again, as much as you want to. It's like a vase that has been broken and mended: the cracks never disappear. You can't turn back time, like it never happened. Any little thing could trigger your suspicion in future. You deserve better.

Bumshkawahwah Wed 12-Apr-17 03:41:59

It is a hard decision, but just remember, you don't need to ask this decision right away and it is ok to let your DH know that.

I found out about my H's affair before Christmas. He is very remorseful, went straight into couselling and is working his backside off to save our marriage. The problem is, I don't know if I can forgive him. I'm still in the shocked stage...even this far along - and honestly don't think I can make any concrete decisions yet.

If your H is serious about reconciling then he needs to accept this.

Lollyb86 Wed 12-Apr-17 04:27:19

I have. I found out in January he had a ONE in August last year. I've forgiven him as I believe him to be truly sorry. We are doing good and are happy right now. Will it come back to bite me in the future? I don't know but I think we are in a better place and hope it carries on. He is working hard to right things and that is important

mummabearfoyrbabybears Wed 12-Apr-17 04:52:51

I have dignity and pride and I stayed. It was bloody hard and sole destroying but very worth it. Once a cheater always a cheater? I don't think so. He cheated but I can see where our marriage was severely lacking and, with hindsight, falling apart. We married very young and he was nearly killed in an incident (Army) I refused to move back to Army quarters and spend more time together (we'd settled the kids in civvy life) lots of reasons but I wouldn't change our past now. We're 11 years in and very, very happy. I don't even think about it at all anymore and he works away a lot.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now