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Please give me some perspective(57 Posts)
Hi, have been reading and lurking, lots of threads, historic and current. Can see the cycle of emotional abuse i seem to have found myself in. Currently on second day of husband sulking, not complete silent treatment. Replied to my text asking if he was ignoring me today with a no.
Yesterday he came home from work, looked in cupboard to see if I'd bought bread, I had forgotten, hadn't been to shops. He proceeded to lose his temper, nothing for breakfast, nothing to take for lunch. I have a long day at work etc etc. My new reaction to when he spits his dummy out is to not respond. I apologised for forgetting and Suggested there was plenty of cereal for breakfast, wraps to take for lunch etc. Met with meltdown, that's not what I want for breakfast, you don't understand how hard it is to be driving all day. You can get lunch when you want etc etc. He knows I really don't like it when he loses his temper and shouts aggressively. He totally over reacts at the slightest thing, whereas he could just have easily responded with,ok, I'll just pop and grab a loaf while you put kids to bed. I never know what reaction I'll get. Anyway, he then stormed off to bed, I asked him if he was watching broad church with me. He said no and went to bed. Went to work before I got up, I always text a good morning, which I did, he didn't reply. I text him later on asking if he was ignoring me, just got a no. He has since come home, not telling me how late he would be. Seen the dinner I have saved for him, turned his nose up, is that all I get after working all day. Cold pasta bake. Obviously I would have heated it up for him! He's now gone out to get himself something proper to eat. I know that he is trying to break me down to beg forgiveness for daring to forget bread, and serve such a shoddy meal, help me to not buckle when he gets home!
He's now back, blanking me and eating a kebab.
He sounds like an arse. Is he always like this?
He can be lovely, funny, kind and loving. And he can be like this, moody, argumentative, sulky, angry, passive aggressive and entitled. It seems that the more aware I am of it, and the stronger I become as I've aged, become a mother and dealt with own childhood demoms, the more regularly the bad side of him is on show. He's very good at blaming me now and making this about me bring ungrateful for him working hard to provide and pay the bills. Will become woe is me and sulky in an attempt for me to relent. I can see the cycle and I don't know how best to react to break it
I've just 're read a book that helped me acknowledge what ex was like.The verbally abusive relationship, by Patricia Evans.
I we would recommend you read this, abuse like this is about power and it will also explain why you respond as you do and what you can do to maybe change the dynamic.
It's not a guarantee as abusive men enjoy the priviledge they get from acting like this, will you be more afraid to forget bread in future? Will you be more focussed on his needs than yours? The answer is probably Yes..which is what he wants.
I've just got rid of my EA stbxh in the last 2 months and tbh nothing really helped to change his behaviour. In the end he started it with my dc, especially 10'yo son and I knew it would only get worse as ds gets older. So I just put my big girl pants on and got rid. They are all nice when they want something!!... my stbxh blamed me for all of it and that's how they keep u so down because you doubt yourself all the time. My stbx said I was a psychopath/I had autism/bi polar you name it! How old are your dc? How is he with them?
I definitely used to be more afraid, constantly second guessing, apologising, trying to cheer him up, predict his moods etc. But I've changed, I used to have him on a pedestal and be so grateful for his attention and love. He had an emotional affair three years ago, that coupled with my own counselling for childhood sexual abuse, where I learnt to value myself more and it wasn't my fault, have led to me being less in awe of him, and more able to see what's happening. And I think he knows this, and it frustrates him 😬
Children are 9 and 6. He's great with them most of the time, but now you say it does away from best mate and jokey dad, to shouty temper losing dad at times dependent on his mood, tired or hungry. But not like with me, and doesn't give them silent treatment like he does me. He adores them
You sounds too good for him. I have put up with this kind of thing for 10 years (bread or lack of is a temper starter for dp too), and it's why I've just got a great new job and plan to move 50 miles away from him and his childish strops. Tonight dp called me a psychopath for telling my son to only play ball outside after he smashed a picture on the wall by accident. It's a reminder of why I'm leaving him!
Secret life of..... Do you mind telling me about what he was like to live with, day to day? What was your final straw, how did he take it and how did you do it??
It all changed for me when I started counselling too, I actually thought it was my fault before deep down. I started to see him for what he REALLY is, and once I did that it was just over for me, it was like I was looking at him as a bystander as he fitted the abuser profile so much it was incredible. He lost all the power then though cos I started to not fall for it anymore.
secretlife, psychopath seems a common insult. Perahaps they are projecting!
I also kept a diary of his behaviour over a month - it was sobering reading!
Sorry I crossed posts then. I was walking on eggshells all the time, he would ruin every event for me by causing arguments or overreacting to the dc and ruining nice days
He would be late on purpose as he knows I hate being late
He called me names constantly and attacked my mothering skills
He questioned my love for my dc
He disrespected me massively in front of the dc, intimidating me so I felt completely degraded
He was horrible to my ds so he was so tense around his dad
Loads of stuff like that and worse - we would sometimes have a nice time but I never knew when he would ruin it so I could never relax anyway, praying that the dc would be 'good'
Anyway he basically called my son a degrading name in a really intimidating way and he said it exactly the manner he did to me(anger, screwed up face, pointing) and something snapped in me. (I've been posting about him for several months now if you wanted the full story!)
Anyway I told him he could stay til we sorted the mortgage but he became unbearable to live with in the first month and I felt scared of him. So I rang the police and reported him for domestic abuse and I told him that if he didn't leave that day I would press charges, so he left!
Naturebabe - honestly my stbxh used to use the exact insults that he was presenting himself! It started to be so ridiculous it was almost funny, he just became pathetic to me.
Thank you for being so honest and open. I have started a diary, just last week. I need to go back and re read so I don't feel like I'm going mad, or dreaming it, or remembering it all wrong. He's very good at making me feel like it's my fault, and that I expect too much. But then I remember snap shots of his tantrums, overvreactions and rages and wonder if they were actually my fault He too ruins days out, like he wants to sabotage it on purpose? I'm not sure what to do now. He'll carry on ignoring me now, then ask me why I'm sulking when he decides to snap out of it in a couple of days. Quick to forget this is because he had a tantrum about a loaf of bread and spoke to me like worthless member of staff not doing their job properly
Honestly I'm probably a bit biased right now due to being finally free on the other side of this headfuckery!!! So from that POV it's an utterly miserable existence where you feel like a prisoner and never allowed to be yourself. My life is full of joy now
This sounds familiar. Yes, it's almost comical, when a psychopath calls you (I'm a very empathic person) a psychopath.They are almost telling you what they are!
He used to shout in my face with his chest puffed out and his finger pointed at me about what a BULLY I was!!! Errrr ok then
You two are giving me a ray of hope! What do I do right now...... have come to bed, he's completely blanking me now. Just went down to let the dog out, like I didn't exist. It grinds me down to point where i want to give in just to break the atmosphere and not feel so isolated and miserable in my own home (
Start writing things down - with dates, I did this and I ended up with 8 months of stuff about him (as I agree you forget or is it that you block it out???)
I think you need to start thinking about what your life would look like without him in it (finances/house) ring a solicitor just to get an idea of your rights. And then really it's down to you what you're prepared to put up with!
Read this book 'Lundy Bancroft, why does he do that' if you've not done so already
Do the freedom program online - that is v enlightening too.
You could ring women's aid, they'll give you some really good advice and support(even if you're not at breaking point yet they'll help you make sense of things
If you're scared of him at all then report that. And then... start thinking about how you'll arrange your new dresses in his wardrobe when he's got rid of his crap!!! That cheered
😕 thank you. My brain is fried. I'll keep writing things down, will look at the books you recommend. Financially it's very complicated, I had already looked into what this would look like, and it's not pretty. Private renting, couldn't sustain on my own wages, children too young for housing benefit for three bedrooms
My soon to be ex=dp is also heavily controlling of where I put furniture (think sleeping with the enemy). He will often move my precious things to suit him. I have a lovely grammaphone he wont 'let' me have downstairs and keeps shoving it back in my office. He removes the cutlery divider and mixes everything up.I can't wait to arrange everything how i want in my new home
That is ridiculously childish! He messes up the cutlery drawer?! To annoy you?!
He thinks it is more efficient to mix it all in together rather than nice and orderly. Go figure. Anyway, hope it all goes well for you op, and things workout how you want.
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