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How do I deal with contact between EA STBXH and dc?

(7 Posts)
Secretlife0fbees Tue 11-Apr-17 12:57:28

Hi all
I wondered if anyone had any experience of this situation and can offer any advice on how best to proceed.
Was with EA stbxh for 21 years married 13. 2 dc (10 and 4). I forced him to leave our marital home 2 months ago as I received advice and support from WA and as a result I reported him to the police without pressing charges. He would definitely lose his job if he was charged with domestic abuse which is why I hoped that he would leave peacefully. So he was aware that I had reported him, I told him I would take it no further if he left (and also gave me no reason to following this). So he left. He is having issues living with the fact that I have 'something over him' (as he puts it) and keeps talking about how he would like it investigated in order to clear his name, he also says that he regrets leaving the house because if he had stayed he is under the impression that the police would investigate and he would be cleared. My ds10 came back from staying with him on Friday night extremely upset about the way his dad had overreacted to something minor that he had done (something about accidentally dropping a pound down the side of an armchair) and said he did not want to see him that day. He asked me to call him and he seemed to be feeling empowered and wanted to stand up for himself. For context the reason I eventually decided to separate was when my stbxh' behaviour towards my ds was becoming more aggressive and he started to call him degrading names just the way he does to me. He has never physically touched him. It is more along these lines:
Overreacting to minor behaviour (like the pound thing) he called him a liar and said he had done it on purpose, he then ignored my ds as a punishment and refused to answer him. My ds said that he had a look on his face that was really angry.
He always attacks him as a person, he won't accuse him of lying he will say 'you're a liar, nobody likes liars' or 'you are totally disrespectful' or 'you are an absolute joke' etc and my ds has had enough of it. He has watched me be disrespected for years by him and have his finger in my face and squaring up to me aggressively calling me a 'disgraceful person' or a 'terrible parent'. I have told my son that this behaviour is unacceptable and that is the reason we are getting divorced and he accepts this. So I have let their dad see them but it appears his dad thinks he has done nothing wrong, that I have made everything up etc and therefore has no intention of changing his behaviour.
I spoke to my stbxh on Sunday and explained my ds's issues and he was so so angry, he deflected the blame onto me and wouldn't listen to his son POV at all. He then came to the house and refused to leave until I called the police and had him removed. This was all in front of our 10yo ds and he doesn't even care.
I didn't press charges again but the police advised me to get a civil injunction. Where does this leave my dc though? I feel
Like I am selling my dc out by getting rid of the abusive man from this house but then sending them off to him anyway, as if as long as I am ok that's all that matters. Equally I want my dc to have a good relationship with their dad but he just won't accept ANY responsibility for any of his behaviour so I feel I have no choice but to keep them away from him. My ds is very upset and angry with his dad and said he doesn't want to see him now, his behaviour in front of him on Sunday was completely abhorrent. I have told my ds to give it a few days to process as we are both feeling a bit raw at the mo and I want to support and respect him as much as I can without forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do.
He was blaming himself for his dads behaviour on Sunday and saying that if only he hadn't told me how he felt then none of this would have happened. I told him that that is absolutley not the case and I was so proud of him for telling me. I have an appointment with a solicitor who I was given the name of by the domestic abuse counsellor at my GP but I just wondered how people deal with this and how I would ensure my sons happiness during contact if I am not there. Will he ever even tel me again or will he be scared to now due to the massive shower of shit that occurred on Sunday.
Stbxh has texted a half hearted apology to us both yesterday and asked me when he can see the dc.! I replied that I need some time before speaking to him again. The EA is so insidious that it is really hard to explain and justify sometimes As EA often is.
I don't really want to press charges due to his job as I feel he would ruin even more of our lives if he was no longer a respected medical professional.
Thanks

noego Tue 11-Apr-17 16:39:34

Your lawyer will advise you about this. It could be that supervised access is the only solution if the ex is acting this way towards his DC's and a restraining order also put in place to protect you and DC's at home.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 11-Apr-17 16:48:30

This is the 'lovely' guy who works with children isn't it?
God he's awful.
I agree. Get your solicitor involved with this one.
See what can be put in place.
Supervised contact sounds like a good way forward for now.
But don't allow them contact until this has been set up.

donners312 Tue 11-Apr-17 21:00:57

TBH i have the exact same problem my ex is emotionally abusive and extremely manipulative with my DC.

We are going through the court process currently and my experience is that they don't give a toss about EA.

There answer is not supervised contact (unless ex agrees. Yes seriously!!) and that they will put in the court order 'ex must not speak to dc in a derogatory manner" etc.

It seriously is a fucking joke.

our poor children. I guess if your DC said they int want to go in CAFCASS interview they wouldn't be forced but i wouldn't bet on it. My two feel sorry for their Dad (perpetual victim) so fluctuate between wanting to see him and not which makes it very hard.

Good luck.

Secretlife0fbees Tue 11-Apr-17 21:15:25

Donners that's awful! I was at least hoping that they would take my sons wishes into consideration at least,
I think with my stbx he probably wouldn't be arsed enough to take it that far... although I wouldn't actually put anything past him!
How do your DC deal with this? Do they hate him or do they want to go? How old are they?

BigGrannyPants Tue 11-Apr-17 21:30:18

I know you don't want to cut off contact between your DCs and their dad, but his behaviour towards them is damaging. Your DS is already blaming himself for his dads actions, you know that's how the abuse works. I agree that the very least would be supervised visits. Your poor kids and you for having to go through this.

donners312 Tue 11-Apr-17 21:38:10

sorry i just realized your question was how do i deal with this...

So i wasn't very helpful!!

I think if your son will say he doesn't want to go then they will take that into consideration and they probably won't force him.

So you could just not facilitate contact - wait to see if he files for a court order and then hope DC says he doesn't want to go.

I'm not sure if this is ethical but could you say to your EX that you hope he just leaves it as you wouldn't want to say to "the authorities' how he behaves as it could have implications for his job etc (I would do this but i am sick of a system that lets these dickheads get away with their stupid shit).

My children are 10 and 13 - TBH they don't really care one way or another about their 'Dad" but it's a long story!!

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