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Am I over-reacting?

(23 Posts)
Namelesswonder Tue 11-Apr-17 09:41:17

My marriage has been jogging along for the last few years, I've not been particularly happy but neither have I been particularly unhappy.

Just now I'm unemployed since my last full time fixed term contract finished 2 months ago. I'm applying for jobs but being quite particular about what I apply for. I haven't been doing nothing, I've looked after 2 DC, finished off projects around the house and am finishing off an academic qualifications.

Now DH (who works long hours - often 60 hour weeks - and is away for home 3 nights a week) who earns 3 times my salary is now saying things like I need to get a job pronto doing anything and it must be full time (lots of part time posts in my area now and few full time) and it must earn a minimum salary of £35k. If I don't do that then we won't be able to have holidays and I will have to get rid of my car. He doesn't care what I do so long as I do something and start earning money. I know he worries what would happen if he lost his job and I fully intend to get a full time job anyway (for my sanity and happiness).

I feel he is dictating what I should do and bullying me with threats if I don't do what he wants. Am I over reacting? I'm starting to wonder if I want to be in this marriage at all.

Sorry it's so long!

JustSpeakSense Tue 11-Apr-17 09:45:29

If he is feeling the financial pressure of you not bringing in a salary then what he is saying is probably accurate, how he is saying it is not the right way obviously as he is upsetting you.

Namelesswonder Tue 11-Apr-17 09:49:37

Thanks, your probably right that it's just the way he is saying it.

I think what's annoying me is that he is using threats like I would need to get rid of my car (while he keeps his £50k car and spends £20k on a sports car to use at weekends and takes himself off on ski holidays), it's not like money is tight!

TwitterQueen1 Tue 11-Apr-17 09:50:52

I think the problem here is that he is telling you what to do, what you must earn, what you will need to stop doing and what you will need to give up.

This is not a partnership. The two of you need to sit down together, and work through your finances together. You need to agree a plan, what you can afford JOINTLY, and what you can't afford.

Marriage is not a dictatorship, it should be a partnership.

highinthesky Tue 11-Apr-17 09:54:16

This is stress talking. OH is trying to regain some control / peace of mind about the family finances and in his mind, the easiest fix is for you to bring in a decent income.

He's gone straight into problem-solving mode, whereas you didn't even know it was a problem for him!

Namelesswonder Tue 11-Apr-17 09:54:28

Thanks, that's summed up what I think. I feel he is trying to control me. I don't feel our marriage is a partnership, I think he feels that because he earns more money than me he gets a bigger say in our lives.

Namelesswonder Tue 11-Apr-17 09:58:07

High - you probably are right. He tends to worry and stress about things which don't bother me. He worries he will loose his job, his job isn't at risk so I don't worry about that.

Just now I'm continuing to contribute my usual amount of money to the family account (from savings) so I don't see a problem, he is probably worried about the future.

Peanutbuttercheese Tue 11-Apr-17 09:59:12

He sees the money coming in to the house very separately and sounds financially a bit selfish.

I can see the pressure on him it's happened to us. DH earns plenty and we are by no means hard up but I'm not working currently due to some health issues. He married a career woman and now has someone with a much smaller income from other sources and I guess it's not what either of us signed up for. But you both need to ride out those crappy times.

peggyundercrackers Tue 11-Apr-17 10:02:58

you come across as a little entitles by saying you feel like money isn't tight so you will faff around until you get a job that you want to do and stuff everything else because your hubby can keep paying for you. I get why he would be feeling pissed off. Surely its easier to get a job when you are in a job rather than being picky about what you want to do in the first place?

ijustwannadance Tue 11-Apr-17 10:05:15

If you can afford the time to choose then what is the problem? If you were stuggling to pay the bills his insistence on you earning might be understandable.

Tell him you will get rid of your car and use the sportscar instead as it's just sitting there doing nothing all week.

Namelesswonder Tue 11-Apr-17 10:07:48

I hear what your saying Peggy, and I probably do sound a bit like that.

But my DH isn't supporting me just now, I'm continuing to put the same amount of money into the joint account that I was when I was working. Financially nothing has changed, and won't change till my savings run out by which time I would expect to have a job.

Smeaton Tue 11-Apr-17 10:09:50

I doubt money is anything to do with it.
Sounds more like he's working himself into the ground and all he sees you doing is naffing around and being picky about what you do with your time.

How would ypueel if it was the other way? You work 60 hours a week and he sit doing bits and bobs?
He's beginning to resent the balance, he's down pit, you're on a feather bed and he feels its unfair.

That's be my guess anyway.

Bluntness100 Tue 11-Apr-17 10:15:05

On the flip side you not getting a job and wishing him to financially support you in the meantime till you find something you find suitable s bullying him if he has not agreed to it, he clearly thinks you are not really pushing it and playing lip service. So the two of you need to sit down and discuss this.

Discuss what type of job you wish, how much you need to earn, anticipated timeline etc,

But so what if she is doing nothing while he is at work she is paying the same put of savings it affects his life not a jot. He isn't supporting her financially and she expects to be working before her savings run out.
He sounds like my ex I worked part time around him as there was little childcare in our area but he didn't think I should go out and meet a friend for coffee or such like during the day because he was at work and it wasn't fair.

Namelesswonder Tue 11-Apr-17 10:25:56

Some interesting points here. I don't think money is the issue (in the short term as my not working is not affecting us). I think your right he is stressed about an unknown future. He probably does resent me being at home when he isn't - despite the fact that 2 months ago he agreed I should finish the qualification I'm doing and this career break was agreed.

He is working hard and he is earning a lot of money, but that is his choice, he feels the need to be seen to be achieving. He is doing his dream job and that involves working away every week, to the detriment of family life (putting all childcare onto me), so maybe I'm resentful of that. He is doing exactly what he wants and that limits what I can do - I have to be at home all week and can't travel, I have to do all childcare etc.

Probably resentment on both sides. We need to talk.

happypoobum Tue 11-Apr-17 10:26:15

He sounds terribly self important and controlling to me.

Who is he to tell you you have to sell your car? How would he make you do that? Does he think he is the boss of you?

Bluntness100 Tue 11-Apr-17 10:36:41

Oops didn't see the update on using savings. Agree then if this was a planned career break and no financial impact, it would appear he is being unreasonable. I don't see why he gets to dictate you sell your car.

I'm struggling to see the issue. Is the savings yours, is there any other financial buffer in place?

Cricrichan Tue 11-Apr-17 10:42:44

He sounds like a prick. He may be working many hours but that's his choice and he's not constricted by childcare etc.

You've also been finishing projects at home, looking after your child, housework etc as well as getting another qualification. He's got two cars, one of which is a hobby car! I also don't think you should be suing up your savings - you're a team.

Take your time to find the right job for you and if he complains again then start looking for jobs that take you out of the house for 60 hours and abroad and see how he'll cope then !!

Namelesswonder Tue 11-Apr-17 10:45:02

Blunt - the savings are my personal savings, so not impacting on family money at all. We have a financial buffer of 3 months wages, just spent most of our savings on a buy to let flat he wanted, plus DH just spent a lot of his personal money on a ski holiday and a very expensive watch. I really don't think money is the issue. Admittedly though it would all go wrong if he lost his job (highly unlikely!)

peggyundercrackers Tue 11-Apr-17 14:40:19

Sorry if your married then you don't have savings - all money is joint and shared. so you aren't working yet are using the family savings to keep you afloat... how much money do you have put aside before you run out? Sorry just noticed you say you only have 3 months savings, that's nothing really, you need to put more effort into getting a job.

your being unsupportive to say hes worried he will loose his job but I'm not - its safe - how do you know? your being flippant about his feelings.

Namelesswonder Tue 11-Apr-17 15:01:23

Ouch Peggy! All marriages are different and in our marriage our money is kept separate with us both contributing to family expenses. Rightly or wrongly, that's the way it is. So I'm spending my money. Just like DH just spent the equivalent of 2 months of his salary on a new watch and a ski holiday.

peggyundercrackers Tue 11-Apr-17 15:32:08

nameless why are you saying ouch? I get all marriages are different but if you read the threads on here about money 99% of them tell you money within a marriage is family money, no one person has their own money - its the MN way apparently.

Namelesswonder Tue 11-Apr-17 15:46:54

Peggy, it's not like that in our marriage though. My DH chooses to spent his money on ski holidays and things for himself and I am spending my money on a career break (which he agreed to). Neither of us is affecting the lifestyle of the family.

He constantly worries his job is at risk, it isn't. He has specialist skills which are in demand, there is a shortage of people in his field hence he is very highly paid. He gets approached by other companies regularly and would easily find another job if he needed or wanted to.

The problem her isn't money, it's him thinking he can suddenly dictate what I do, how many hours I work, the industry I work in and how much I should be earning!

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