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How do I stop thinking about the same things all the time?

(23 Posts)
Agatha44 Tue 11-Apr-17 09:04:04

My ex broke up with me before Christmas - I have already had my own thread about it (toegther for 15 years and he slept with OW from work once, they are now living together and having a baby in July). I am still living in our house. It will hopefully be sold by the end of May.

I have struggled with anxiety, we all work in the same place so being in work is often rather daunting. My ex is really not coping with his new situation. I know, I know he made his bed...! I can sort of put that to the back of my mind because he has his new girlfriend now who can help him. I have no malice towards either of them. I am a strong believer in however much it hurts everything happens for a reason.

From my perspective I just don't know how to stop thinking about the whole thing. How do I actually stop going over the same thing in my mind all the time? I am getting so bored of the whole thing. I can't throw myself into work because they are both here. I am just hoping that once I am out of the house things will be easier for me. At the moment I am surrounded by all of our things and our memories.

If anyone can give me something else to think about that would be awesome!!

Bones2017 Tue 11-Apr-17 09:07:34

Would you not consider moving jobs? It must be torture seeing them both there. Especially as her pregnancy develops. X

Msqueen33 Tue 11-Apr-17 09:08:07

Do you have any kids together? It will get easier. Just give it time. I imagine working together is awful as it's a constant reminder. Would another job be an option?

I'm currently panicked about how I'm going to get my non verbal daughter with autism into school in September and how my other dc with asd will cope moving to junior school. If you want something else to think about 😀

You my sympathy as it must be a horrible situation but he doesn't sound great if he's already unable to cope. DO NOT LET HIM LEAN ON YOU! You're not his shoulder to cry on.

GameOldBirdz Tue 11-Apr-17 09:09:59

Just wanted to say what a great attitude you have towards the whole thing. You must be coping better on some level by having this attitude rather being eaten up with anger.

I'd second possibly looking at changing jobs.

category12 Tue 11-Apr-17 09:14:20

A conscious breaking of the cycle of thoughts - CBT or similar might be useful.

But, I would look at what you want to do with your life, and start planning. A holiday, a new place, moving jobs, a new hobby? Clear out the joint things, box them up/throw them out and get on with your new life. Could you move out earlier?

fc301 Tue 11-Apr-17 09:15:49

Highly recommend Meditation & Mindfulness.
Nasty family fallout, drove myself crakers with it going round & round in my head.
Genuinely life changing. I can now look at it and choose to put it to one side.

IsNotGold Tue 11-Apr-17 09:23:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

xStefx Tue 11-Apr-17 09:43:01

Just don't be his shoulder to cry on!!!
Is there anyway you could get a new job? That would help you concentrate on something new x

Agatha44 Tue 11-Apr-17 09:49:00

Thanks everyone! We work in the same building but not in the same teams, well they do. I have changed my working hours so I there is less chance of seeing them.

I am rather stubborn and I don't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing that I left my job because of them. I have been here longer than they have. I hope in a way that it is making me a stronger person by staying here.

They are also looking to move to the same town as me so again, I will possibly bump into them.

GameOldBirdz thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot to me!

Agatha44 Tue 11-Apr-17 09:54:00

fc301 I have been doing a lot of reading on mindfulness and meditation. I will look into both things.

I am trying to maintain a positive outlook but sometimes I just feel like I am right back at the start again.

I won't let him lean on me, I know I am not strong enough for that yet. I just worry that he won't say anything to his girlfriend and the whole thing will blow up. I hope it doesn't and I really hope that this works out for them.

Agatha44 Tue 11-Apr-17 10:02:17

Sorry, I should have said, no we don't have children. It was the one thing I hoped we would have. That's what makes this whole thing terribly hard to deal with; he is having a child with somebody else. It is a physical pain in my heart thinking about it.

He knows he has hurt me beyond words but I have to respect the him for wanting to do right by his child. A lot of men might not.

I need to make my peace with it somehow. I have had some counselling before, I think I would benefit from some more sessions.

xStefx Tue 11-Apr-17 10:13:23

But you have the stubbornness the wrong way round. If you left, and they never saw you again,and knew nothing about what you were upto them that is surely more satisfying that them seeing you and rubbing it in everyday. I would really
Consider changing jobs , it also sounds like your still in contact as you know he is struggling so your not doing to be able to move on with all that going on op xx

Agatha44 Tue 11-Apr-17 10:35:29

Yep, still on contact due to the house sale. Also we have the same group of friends.

I can see the arguments for changing jobs. I would just rather not because I want to buy my own place so in terms of getting a mortgage etc I wouldn't want to be looking for a new job at this stage.

happypoobum Tue 11-Apr-17 10:36:27

I agree with stef you have to view changing your job as "leaving them behind".

You are moving onwards and upwards and leaving them in the shitty little mess they have created for themselves.

You really do have to change your job you know flowers

Agatha44 Tue 11-Apr-17 13:06:04

Maybe once I am settled I will look for a new job. I don't know if I am ready for a complete life overhaul at this stage. I am still getting used to just being me on my own.

It is a hard journey but I do feel a lot stronger now than I did at Christmas. Just wish I could switch my brain off for a while each day and not think about things!

I have no doubt that this has been the crappest year of my life so far but I also think it might turn out to be alright!

noego Tue 11-Apr-17 14:12:17

You are right when you say everything happens for a reason. You don't know what that reason is right now, but it will unfold.
Secondly, your mind is in the future and that will cause anxiety. Your mind is also re-living the past. Try to live in the moment. Moment by moment. You will wake up one day and you will have no thoughts about this what so ever. Thoughts and feelings are just visitors, they will eventually leave.

Agatha44 Tue 11-Apr-17 14:25:52

noego thank you for that! I have taken a screenshot of your words! You are so right; I am thinking about the future (daunting) and also living in the past. I need to just live in the now. I don't want this to consume my life and I won't let it. Living in the now is the only way to achieve that I guess!

I don't regret a single second of my life with my ex and I am so grateful to him for being in my life. We grew up together and he has helped shape me to be the person I am today. When I am having a bad day or a panic attack those are the things I try and hold on to.

FoxyLaRoxy Wed 12-Apr-17 21:49:32

Agatha,

I've been following your threads for sometime and I wanted to say that I really admire your courage and grace. You seem so kind and loving, it breaks my heart that you have been treated so poorly.

You are worth so much more than the pair of them together, I hope that you see that. Their relationship has not started with the best foundations and I suspect that it will not last.

I wish you every happiness in the world and that you achieve your dreams. You are doing just great. star flowers

Agatha44 Wed 12-Apr-17 22:09:36

FoxyLaRoxy wow! Thank you, what a lovely message. Made me cry!

I wish I could say that I have always approached this with dignity and grace but I know my ex would probably say otherwise. Most of the times I have seen him I have dissolved into tears, gone batshit crazy and then cried some more! He knows though that is just me dealing with the situation.

I have never said a bad word about him to our friends or family (I think I may have once it twice on here!). Nor have I said anything about the OW. I know what it is like to the 'outsider' in a massive group of friends and I would hate for her to feel like that regardless of what they have done to me.

It will take a while to let bygones be bygones but at the end of the day life is too short! I have had so many wonderful years with him and that is something to be really proud of and grateful for!

FoxyLaRoxy Wed 12-Apr-17 22:41:46

You are a much better person than I am, Agatha. He has been foolish, he probably knows this. He also probably realised what he has lost.
You have an amazing future ahead of you.
smile

FoxyLaRoxy Mon 29-May-17 09:12:52

How are you Agatha? I hope you are okay?

Mumandsome78 Mon 29-May-17 12:34:03

Like others on here - my recommendation is to cut off the touchpoints for interaction - or at least minimise them. A new job will also open up loads of different social opportunities. I am in the middle of doing the same (removing myself from a community and place I love to avoid someone) and it hurts, but I am so much healthier not being exposed to potential hurt and mental harm, or at least living in fear of meeting up with it. I totally buy the whole 'leaving them behind' point. This is what it is. And that is brilliant, to move to new things and people and activities. It's just a new world waiting to welcome you.

Shayelle Mon 29-May-17 13:38:58

You sound really lovely Agatha. Hugs x

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