Dp's family and upcoming wedding. Advise me please Mumsnet!

[Isthismummy]

I've posted about future MIL before yet here I go again...

Dp are getting married at the end of June. Small wedding of 18 guests with a bigger party on the night.

Dp's does not have a good relationship with his DM. She threw him and his younger DB out of the house when they were teenagers. I feel she is emotionally abusive towards DP and quite frankly he's scared of her.

She sent him a text on Mother's Day informing him that he was selfish, only wanted her when he wanted something and that she was sick of getting treated like shit! This charming message ended with her telling him he was on his own from now on. She also sent same message to his younger DB. I should add that DP had posted her Mother's Day card along with her wedding invite the Thursday before. Dp tried calling her, but she wouldn't pick up the phone!

We heard from his DB that she was then on phone to him the week after saying she wasn't sure if she should come to the wedding! Then apparently calming down and saying she would. It was Dp's birthday yesterday and she sent a card but that was it. No phone call or text message.

Then last night DP received a message from his DF saying that his wife isn't going to come to day part of wedding in case she "chins Dp's DM" Future PIL have been divorced for years and are both remarried.

I'm totally fed up of all their Jeremy Kyle style bullshit. DP just keeps saying he will talk to his DM at some point, but if she misbehaves on the day she can just leave...as if that's a solution!

I feel like sending them all a round email telling them that it might be better that all those who feel they can't behave acceptably on the day should stay away.

Dp says DF wife is just thinking of us by offering to stay away. Frankly I think they are all just thinking of themselves and their petty squabbles.

So stressed about it all. What do I do Mumsnet?

[category12]

Elope.

Seriously I would encourage your dp to consider low/no contact with his dm in the long term. For the wedding, sounds like she is very much intending to make it a drama.

Yeah, elope. And move away from them all. Be hell when you have dc.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Oh my sainted aunt. They all sound like nightmares.

Is MIL still even invited after that lovely Mother's Day message to your DP?

[tribpot]

Don't rise to it. That's what they want - is for you to get embroiled in their squabbles as well.

Step-mother doesn't want to come - fine, thanks for letting us know.

Mum has told DP he is on his own now, I would interpret as saying she isn't coming to the wedding (how else could she be leaving him on his own?) - he shouldn't want her there anyway. I assume you haven't actually sent out invitations yet (isn't that done nearer the time?) so you don't 'know' whether she intends to attend, but you could simplify it by not sending her an invitation. DP can then block her the way she has done to DP.

If you have already sent the invitation, you don't officially know she isn't planning to attend. Ask DB not to pass on any of her ranting on the subject and see what happens on the day OR write and tell her she isn't invited. Then block her.

Alternatively, switch the wedding itself to an earlier date, having only close friends and non-insane family members present at short notice, then have the party on the night originally planned. That way DM doesn't get a chance to poison the actual wedding and her effect will be diluted at a party.

[Cricrichan]

I too think that he should go NC with his mother. She sounds like a narcissist and you can never win them round. She makes everything about her and doesn't care about hurting anyone else. He's never going to make her happy regardless of what he does. She will make a drama on your wedding whether she comes or not but i think it's best she doesn't come.

Read up on narcissists op and get him to do too.

[Isthismummy]

I hear you regarding eloping, but I want my family and best friends at our wedding. Mainly due to the fact they aren't insane

Invites have already gone out. DM ignored this fact for a week and also ignored the Facebook invite we'd sent out for night do. Then her husband sent an RSVP email and told us she had come off Facebook! She hasn't incidentally and her profile is still very much there. I suspect her husband is cringing at her behaviour.

I'm fully aware she is a narcissist and have told DP the same. I don't feel she has any right to be at our wedding, but he keeps saying we can't disinvite her!

Switching wedding date isn't a bad idea actually. My friends have all booked time off work etc though and are mostky travelling from North East.

It's a mess I just wanted a nice day where everyone could enjoy themselves. I've been the least brideszilla bride ever and this is my reward.

[Isthismummy]

It's been such a painful time recently too. We found out day before Mother's Day that I'm unlikely to be able to have children. I just want ONE bastard thing to be a bright spot on the horizon, but apparently that's not allowed

[ShatnersWig]

Have you posted about this before? Sounds eerily familiar. Maybe another poster has a very similar situation.

Your future husband needs to step up. He can no longer be scared of her and he must make it abundantly clear he won't accept any shit any more. Frankly, I'd be concerned about marrying a guy who is not NC with a mother like this because unless he steps up, you are going to have to put up with this shit for the rest of your married lives until she dies.

In your shoes I'd insist that his mother is told she is no longer welcome to attend the wedding or elope. Seriously. Otherwise I fear your wedding day may become something you don't want and will not want to look back on.

[Isthismummy]

No that'll have been me ShatnerWig

I totally agree that DO needs to step up. I know he's scared of her, but at the minute he's putting her feelings before mine as far as I'm concerned.

I'm having minimal contact from now on. We are also looking into egg donation to start a family and I've made it clear she'll be having nothing to do with any GC we might be lucky enough to provide her with.

[Isthismummy]

DP even...

[Gazelda]

My MIL played the 'don't know if I can come to the wedding' game.

Although not in the same league as your MIL's behaviour. We ended up saying to her that it was a shame but thanks for letting us know. She ended up changing her mind and we didn't engage with any more dithering. We got a few friends and relatives to keep an eye on her and divert/distract/muffle her if she kicked of on the day.

As I say, ours wasn't anywhere near as bad as yours, but once DH had agreed not to let her behaviour affect the wedding, then it became a whole lot easier.

[665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast]

With such an intimate wedding I would not be leaving things to chance and spending weeks fretting will she won't she..
Just send out little receipt cards
Dear
We have checked our receipt of invitation responses and confirmed details of a our wedding booking.
We are sad you are unable to join us for the celebration on the day.
Will be sending out a map and exact times and locations for you at a later date.
Kind regards
Isthismummy and soon to be Mr Isthismummy

[ShatnersWig]

So, things aren't any better than the last time you posted (which was presumably before the Mothering Sunday rubbish)? You say you know your DP needs to step up and he's putting her feelings before yours? STILL. When is he actually going to DO something about it?

It's all very well you saying that if you have kids she can go whistle but seems to me that if things haven't changed, your DP isn't going to step up, so be prepared to keep coming back here every few weeks, or months, or years, with the latest problem with his mother that you want advice on. Not really sure why you've asked again to get the same replies as the situation is certainly no better.

[Cricrichan]

Hi op

My mil is a narcissist and my dh is in his 50s. Even though we don't see her often, she has had a huge effect on our relationship. He's so influenced by her that it makes him paranoid, controlling, suspicious, insecure etc. One of his siblings finally realised and is low consent but the other siblings don't. Her poison has so severely affected all her family, it's incredible. Had I known what i was letting myself into i would have done things very differently.

[ShatnersWig]

I know this is bad form, but having remembered your previous posting, I've gone back and looked again. You've posted an lot of times about this. You posted immediately after Mothering Sunday about that message. You've also had threads about the fact that your parents offered lots of money towards your wedding but your DP's didn't. These being parents that you went NC with for three months after an upsetting Xmas. That your DP's mother got married recently and didn't invite you two to it. That you were unhappy with your partner's obsession with american football and then he started playing it which meant you hardly saw each other. You had two threads about being unhappy with your bridesmaids wanting you to have a bigger wedding.

I can understand all your threads about IVF but you post so much about this wedding, your parents, his parents - you always get the same sort of advice but nothing ever seems to change OP. Almost as if you enjoy all this drama really?

My advice remains the same. If you don't actually like all this drama, the only way to stop it is for your DP to step up and sort it. Otherwise just buckle down and enjoy the ride.

[JustMyLuckUnfortunately]

OP I agree with ShatnersWig who has made some great points about the family & friend drama. This is not what a wedding should be about. I think you need to consider your relationship with your DP and others before you make this commitment

[LesisMiserable]

You sound a bit of martyr OP. crack on with your big day and whoever comes, comes. Relax. Its not about everyone else is it, its about you two. As long as you have at least the minimum legally required witnesses turn up who gives a fuck?

[Isthismummy]

I don't enjoy the drama actually. I took the MN advice regarding the bridesmaids etc and things got a lot better.

DP won't step up though, so I don't know what else to do. I want him to disinvite DM, but he won't. I hear what people are saying about just going with it, but that's hard when you have crippling anxiety. In fact my anxiety probably makes me post so much. I don't like burdening people in RL with my issues.

In all fairness DP did warn me DM would go on like this. More fool me for not listening to him...

[JustSpeakSense]

It's your wedding, choose exactly what you want and do it your way. You have invited who you want, if they come or not is their choice.

It's not your responsibility how guests behave towards each other. Just enjoy the day and don't overthink things.

Now that you and your DF are starting a life together and hopefully can start a family together you need to stop fixating on wiser family problems.

[JustSpeakSense]

*wider

[Isthismummy]

Wedding kind of snowballed to start with because I listened too much to people telling me what I "should" have. I've brought a lot of this on myself really because I didn't listen to DP's warnings about his DM. He wanted to go away to get married so we didn't have to invite her.

[category12]

Are you sure you want this for the rest of your life, then?

If dp will never step up, and you are going to constantly have these people in your life - is what is good in your relationship going to thrive?

Is this how you want life to be?

[ShatnersWig]

If you have crippling anxiety then that's all the more reason your DP should be stepping up and making it abundantly clear he won't allow his mother to behave this way any more. Because continued contact with her will make your anxiety worse, not better, which you don't want full stop but certainly not while trying for a baby on IVF which is stressful in the extreme.

Good luck, OP, you're going to need it.

[Isthismummy]

It's not how I want to be category12

Dp is really in the FOG though She has such a massive hold even though in reality he barely ever sees her. Our lives would lose absolutely nothing if she wasn't in them.

I don't feel he's your typical example though, in the sense that he knows exactly what she is. It's not like the many threads on here were people's DP's can't see how bad the DM is.

Yet he still won't deal with it. He's currently waiting for counselling and I'm hoping that might help him with it.

[LesisMiserable]

His relationship with his mother is his to address. Surely its only going to make you more anxious making it your concern. You need some zen thinking and just concentrate on looking forwards to your marriage. A wedding is just a day.

[Isthismummy]

Yes it is just a day, but it's our day and I've put a massive amount of effort into organising it all. I'm not keen on having it coloured by people's bad behaviour.

I appreciate that I should try and chill the fuck out. I just don't know how. I'm stressed out over our fertility issues already and this is just fuel on the fire.

I might take up yoga or mindfulness...or both!