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Weary of new relationship. Are these early warnings??

(58 Posts)
midnightswirls Tue 11-Apr-17 07:28:03

I commented on another post but felt bad jump on the post so thought I'd do one. It was a post about how long until abusive partners show that side of them. Was interesting as I'm 4 months Into a new relationship. In my past I was with a very emotionally and mentally abusive partner ( who'd my LB dad). It's only recently I've started to question this new relationship but I'm not sure if I'm very sensitive due to my past. Anyway here are a few examples, they are all fairly subtle or small. 1) I'll talk about friends and he will say in a joking way "you don't have any friends" 2) when he's driving he likes my hand on his lap. If I move it he takes it and puts it back. He doesn't do it so much now I've said I'll put my hand there when I want to. 3) recently started a company and we were looking at plaques one said about being the boss and I said you think that about everything do you and he said yes. 4) sometimes he will make comments in a jokey way say "well a man must have said that as he's right" 5) he's recently started to get a bit argumentative or defensive if I don't agree with him. He knows about my past and he said his dad used to emotionally abuse his mum and him. Badly enough his school got involved. So obviously I'm worried about family patterns too. I'm his first serious gf. On the flip side he can be very empathic when I'm upset, compliments me a lot, says he's lucky to have me, we have a lot in common. What would people's views be?

tribpot Tue 11-Apr-17 07:33:34


He's putting you down with jokes, with 'hilarious' 'a man said it so it's true' "banter".

He's disrespecting you by putting your hand where he wants it and you don't (plus it is bloody creepy to want your hand on his - lap? Leg? Where actually does he want this hand?)

I'm concerned you've told him about your past abuse as that gives him plenty of material for manipulating you - not least to claim now that it's all in your head and you're over-sensitive due to the previous abuse.

I don't think you are - I wouldn't be putting up with any of your 5 points, let alone all of them.

Reddingtonsmoll Tue 11-Apr-17 07:35:47

Get rid of him and find someone more compatible. I dated a similar sounding guy. I grew to despise his controlling behaviour. Ultimately I lost respect. There's lots of nice men out there. You'll do better without him.

MoreThanUs Tue 11-Apr-17 07:36:49

I'd get rid for any one of those things, let alone all of them in one person. There are some great guys out there - and he's not one of them.

MargotLovedTom1 Tue 11-Apr-17 07:37:31

You're feeling wary for a reason. Get rd.

MargotLovedTom1 Tue 11-Apr-17 07:37:44


BottleBeach Tue 11-Apr-17 07:41:37

Yes, these are all warning signs. Well done for spotting them. Trust your instincts.

Kittencatkins123 Tue 11-Apr-17 07:44:29

Yeah he's not good enough. Get rid now. Find someone who doesn't need to put down you or women in general to make them feel good.
Ugh, would hate that hand thing.

Shayelle Tue 11-Apr-17 07:46:00

He sounds dominant and chauvinist. I would end it.

PhoenixJasmine Tue 11-Apr-17 07:49:56

1) joking about you not having any friends - depends on context, but sounds like it wasn't nice/in a concerned manner and if it was intended to make you feel bad/put you down/in effect make you more dependent on him - deal breaker. How did you reply, how did the rest of the conversation go?

2) hand thing - ugh, creepy - massive lack of respect for your bodily autonomy. I would have quickly very firmly objected and if not respected, would not have got in a car with him again. Simple as that.

3) and 4) sound like really shit 'jokes'. The thing about being he boss sounds like you were complicit in the 'joke' though by suggesting it? My response to this kind of stuff is usually a blank face and a request for an explanation of what they meant - and saying that jokes are meant to be funny, and that was just offensive.

5) well - to be fair - can't we all get argumentative or defensive if someone doesn't agree with us? I think the problem is more that the two of you just don't agree on acceptable behaviour and boundaries within a relationship.

My view would be - just from what you've written, this person is not someone I'd want to be in a relationship with, it sound like we have wildly different views on life.

midnightswirls Tue 11-Apr-17 07:56:26

trib on his leg. He even keeps hold of my hand when he changes gear and things. To begin with I thought it was sweet now not so much. Yea I'm a bit concerned now too. The argumentative side has only recently happened since I told him about my past. bottle they always say trust your instinct. I swear I attract disrespectful/controlling men. Maybe I'm too nice, getting pretty sick of it.

midnightswirls Tue 11-Apr-17 08:00:26

phoenix well I'll just be talking about a friend or what I'd done with a friend and then he will just butt in and say "you don't have no friends" in a "jokey" way. I just tell him to f**k off and carry on talking. He's done it quite a few times. The argumentative stuff has recently started since telling him about my past. Tbh there are more examples, that while thinking about logically are worse than the examples I've put. I should have noticed earlier

PamDooveOrangeJoof Tue 11-Apr-17 08:21:58

What ate the other examples? He sounds awful and like he is trying to actual brainwash you into thinking you don't have friends when you do.

I would get rid of him and do the freedo programme. Also well done for spotting the signs and seeking advice. You have obviously learnt a lot from your past relationship but think the freedom programme would still help you.

HeavenlyEyes Tue 11-Apr-17 08:33:39

I also think you should dump and if you haven't done it please do the Freedom Programme pronto. You can even do it online.

zen1 Tue 11-Apr-17 08:34:06

He doesn't sound good for you OP. You're only 4 months in; I would end it tbh

MrsELM21 Tue 11-Apr-17 08:35:49

Sounds like a weirdo, move on lovely

LesisMiserable Tue 11-Apr-17 09:00:54

Well if you feel damaged by your previous relationship its only fair to accept that his been damaged by his family background so its up to you now to decide whether you both give each other a chance.

midnightswirls Tue 11-Apr-17 09:17:50

pam well very early on before he knew about my ex I had found he had looked on my phone. We had a disagreement and I was annoyed but instead of leaving it/making it better he decided to say something about my "chins". When I got upset and had a go he said he was trying to lighten the situation. A couple of times I've been talking and he will just start kissing me. I've got angry and said he isn't respecting as I was trying to talk. I begun a programme called the power to change but I moved out of the refuge before I could complete it. I've heard the freedom programme can be quite negative?

midnightswirls Tue 11-Apr-17 09:23:10

Thanks les yes I agree both damaged by what's happened. How ever I don't do the things listed above that he does. So I'm wondering he is following the pattern of behaviour?

tribpot Tue 11-Apr-17 09:23:10

God the kissing thing is even more creepy than the holding-your-hand-whilst-changing-gear thing.

Plus you are being "bantered" - all his attempts to 'lighten the mood' (that all appear to involve putting you down?) are just banter, so it then becomes your fault when you don't find them funny.

Plus looking at your phone - this guy has no proper boundaries and no respect.

LesisMiserable Tue 11-Apr-17 09:24:41

He sounds insecure and a very bad fit

gingeristhenewblack43 Tue 11-Apr-17 09:27:58

The kissing you as you are talking is about controlling you, he doesn't want to listen to you so will shut you up. Kissing you is a 'socially acceptable' way to do that early on in the relationship.

The looking at your phone is very intrusive and a sign of a controlling person. And the comment about your physical appearance is just down right insulting and designed to make you feel unattractive and grateful to have him.

I was in an EA relationship for 11 years. Left and a while later got into another relationship but the way he treat me didn't feel right to me. It was lots of minor little things that when I said them out loud sounded a bit silly, but I suspect once you have been EA then you become hyper aware.

If it doesn't feel right to you then it isn't right for you!

Smeaton Tue 11-Apr-17 09:28:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MichaelSheensNextDW Tue 11-Apr-17 09:29:03

He doesn't sound insecure at all. He sounds like a cocky, dominating arse who is deliberately and systematically undermining OP's confidence.

LesisMiserable Tue 11-Apr-17 09:39:26

Every cocky dominating arse I ever knew was tragically insecure underneath. Thats my experience.

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