Please help me get some perspective! NC as previous posts may have outed me.
I came out of a physically and abusive marriage early last year. I had the number of a contact of exDH's who I needed to contact late last year regarding my car (I had issues with it and it was actually exDH who gave me his number so I could call him if need be). Despite being married for 10+ years, I had only seen this guy a couple of times by this point at most. He himself got divorced in 2014. I need to say that my turbulent relationship with the ex was unfortunately public knowledge- I took out a court order against him in 2014 but pressure from his family meant I gave him a second chance.
Upon first contact, it was exactly what it was meant to be- a couple of things altering on my car and that was it. It then started getting flirty and one thing led to another. We were/are FWB. We would meet up every week for sex, casually text each other in between the week etc. He then told me that if circumstances were different (he didn't know my ex), that he wouldn't give it a second thought about being with me. He told his sister overseas about me, and said he would give anything to have met me years ago and have married me instead.
Fast forward a few months. He has had a rough time with a business partner and found out a relative was seriously ill. He said he needed some space to clear his head. The following day he went abroad to see his family. I didn't contact him for the best part of a week as I respected his need for space. We are contacts on snapchat and I knew he had been looking at what I had been posting for days after he left. He then messaged me to let me know how things were with his relative and since then, a week ago, he seems to have become so much 'warmer' than when he left. We have chatted about how hurt we've been in our marriages, that we are scared of getting hurt again and things became flirty like they used to be.
I jokingly said that if he was abroad in the summer, he would have to join me for a few days (I was planning on going away for a week on my own to the same country, different resort). He then suggested we go somewhere completely different, just the two of us together.
Today he has travelled from abroad since 10am this morning and got a connecting flight where he was waiting four hours. He has spent two hours on the train, but messaged to tell me he had landed and would I like him to come over to see me. He said he understood if I was too tired, and he would see me tomorrow instead.
So, at the risk of sounding like a teenager who has had the biggest grin on her face for the past few days, am I right in thinking that this may be more than just a FWB? We're both so busy in our own lives that for a while, it would still be very casual, but wanting to see me after travelling for 15 hours, and suggesting we go on holiday together is good, right? I need to be careful and not open my heart up too soon to the wrong person. I am only just able to find the real me again, but is it wrong to love the feeling of having someone who wants to be in your company after years of feeling like you're not good enough?
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I need some perspective please!
acarnamedwanda · 11/04/2017 01:01
You absolutely have to put your foot down here.
No crap about "I've been hurt before and if only I'd married you years before instead". It's all words and words are cheap.
And - sorry - I know plenty of men (people, but more men) who would happily see a FWB (or someone they were stringing along 
) after a long journey if it meant guaranteed sex.
I'm not saying he isn't genuine, but I'm saying that nothing you describe is a guarantee that he is.
I would say "all this talk of holidays together, and finding I missed you when you were away - I've realised I'd like to try a proper relationship with you".
If his response is anything less than him grinning like an idiot and saying "YES!" then walk away and keep walking - no more sex on a plate and definitely no more listening to words words words.
Good luck!
Now I feel a bit of a fool 
Really hoped that I had found someone that I could have a laugh and a good time with without considering it could just be all words on his part.
Why am I so naive and easily led
Can someone slap me in the face with a wet fish please.
Both naïve and cynical people are both able to succumb to hope!
Honestly, if he was genuinely interested I think he would have told you so - so I say this with kindness not to get your hopes up.
But it's OK to tell him you want a relationship. Just don't carry on with him if he "isn't ready"
A friend recently said to me 'enjoy it for what it is, you don't want to get to the stage where you're washing his socks and cooking his tea' and it rang so true. I've had 13 years of that, and I'm now at a stage where I don't have to answer to anybody or plan around someone else etc.
I think that's what I enjoyed/am enjoying- it is casual, he made the effort to get in touch when he was away which made me realise he was thinking of me. The plan was that we were going to meet up at his this afternoon, but I got all giddy when he got in touch yesterday that I just let my guard down.
He is planning on going back overseas again in a few weeks to spend some more time with his family as he said seeing his relative ill made him realise that life is too short. I don't have any surviving family so I know how important that is, but it was when he said that that I realised maybe just how lonely I am and that I may be clinging onto the slightest ounce of hope for that reason. My life is quite empty to be honest where he runs two businesses and so has a lot going on to occupy him each day whereas I tend to mull
I am far from ready to try any 'domesticated bliss' again. I'm not ready for a full blown relationship, but did like the glimmer of hope that it might have been more than just sex at some point in the future.
I think where I am confused is that we confide in each other regarding the crap in our lives. He spent a good hour last night chatting about his family and what he did whilst he was there. How do I ever get to a point in my life where I don't question the intentions of any man that I may come across? Is it a fear of being more alone than I already feel? Is it a need to feel adequate and wanted by someone because I didn't have that in my marriage? How do I learn to trust again?
Thank you user, and of course everyone else too.
He messaged me the moment he landed in both countries (he went via another country) and the smile on my face was huge- I haven't had that feeling in such a long time and it felt really good.
I had been doing some really big projects around the home and whilst away he messaged me to tell me that he knew I could do it and I've proved I don't need a man to be able to make a home for myself. I told him that the ex had taken that away from me- he'd made me not able to trust anyone because of the emotional and mental abuse I suffered and that I was scared of getting hurt all over again. He said that he too had had his heart broken and shattered and that he felt the exact same way. It's the little conversations like that. I know so much about his life that would be a lot to share if I was just some girl that he wanted to get his leg over with- or as a PP said, maybe that's his way of buffing it up? I'm questioning things again 
He is 8 years older than me and quite obviously dotes on his family and is assailants about his work. I just hate the bastard that is my ex who has changed me from such a strong and confident person into someone that questions the be all and end all of everything ever since
I think that's the thing HappyJanuary, I'm not sure if I have anything else to go on to decide whether it could ever be anything more.
I gather that he likes the set up of it being so casual. He is out for work at 7am 5 days a week, 9am the other two, and running two businesses means he's not home until late (one if in hospitality). Maybe it's the fact he knows my ex, although he did once say that he wouldn't be bothered at the fact that he knows him if this ever progressed into something else, more worried that people would think he couldn't be trusted as I'm the ex of someone they know (there's a 'community' for want of a better word of men from the same nationality in the area).
He has found me a new car and is helping me get rid of my old one. He has knocked almost £300 off the price of the new car(he is a dealer), because he told me that 'if anything, we are friends, and he wants to help me if he can'.
It's little things like messaging me on Mother's Day saying 'happy mothers day to a great Mum x' buying me a gift at Xmas, telling me if I ever needed help financially that I could go to him. Telling me he practically threw his suitcase in his house last night before getting in his car and driving over.
I sound pathetic. I never had the attention from the ex. I never had this feeling towards him either. It's the feeling of someone paying me the attention and the compliments and everything else that goes with it. I'm scared it will all end in tears, but then can I have that feeling for the rest of my life because I'm scared to trust again?
Aww thank you NearlyFree those are lovely words.
I've reached a stage in my life where the past week (none of this involving him as he wasn't here), I have finally started to feel control and in charge- it's a lovely, liberating feeling after an abusive marriage. I think the way I feel is almost like I need validation.
I don't want to push things and inevitably push him away. I also don't want to feel like a door mat. At times I feel alone, but I also like my own company and my own routine. A friend told me to enjoy it and stop questioning it all. The inner soul tells me to stop setting myself up for heartache.
I'm my own worst enemy
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