Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Separation length??

(40 Posts)
Bones2017 Mon 10-Apr-17 23:10:40

Title says it all. I'm wobbling. I think he's starting to soften and don't know what to do if he asks.

If you've separated for any reason? How long was it and did it work? For those who don't know, I think mine has at least had an emotional affair. I need to be prepared. I don't feel ready yet for him to ask me if he can come back. The texts are starting. I'm so confused about what to do.

ZiggyForever Mon 10-Apr-17 23:17:24

It's hard to say, but maybe you should stay separated until you're no longer confused . . . ?

I would enforce no-contact as well.

Bones2017 Mon 10-Apr-17 23:19:43

Well I'm doing low contact. We have two young kids. He's definitely wobbling too. He's always upset and has said this week he doesn't know what he wants. His words - 'my head is fucked'

He's updating me on trivial things that he hasn't over the last 4 months. The texts seem different. But I'm scared to reach out.

ZiggyForever Mon 10-Apr-17 23:24:53

He doesn't know what he wants . . . hmm. Even that in itself rings alarm bells for me. Low contact until he knows what he wants, and you know what you want. It won't help you if he's unsure, dithering, changing his mind every five minutes.

Bones2017 Mon 10-Apr-17 23:28:19

Yeah I'm keeping low. He needs to work this out. He has a dr appt soon. Thinks he's depressed? But black and white doesn't lie. He's been in contact at least with OW since last summer.

But we've been soooo good for 19'years. Is someone allowed a mistake?? He's never given me reason to doubt him before.

Bones2017 Mon 10-Apr-17 23:30:57

I need to know what to do if he asks??

OhBlissOhJoy Mon 10-Apr-17 23:37:20

Keeping contact with OW since last summer is sustained and not a mistake. Sounds like the thrill of their relationship is wearing off and he's sounding out if he can come back to his second best. Be wary OP.

IsNotGold Mon 10-Apr-17 23:38:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pumpkinmoon1 Mon 10-Apr-17 23:39:03

Does he know it's meant to be a temporary separation or does he think that it's over?

Bones2017 Tue 11-Apr-17 07:15:05

He chose to go and did it in an awful way. Initially he told me he was 'done'

But this week, he's confused and doesn't know what's wrong with him. He feels like he may have made a mistake. But I'm starting to feel like he's done me a favour!

IsNotGold Tue 11-Apr-17 07:24:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsNotGold Tue 11-Apr-17 07:41:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum Tue 11-Apr-17 07:44:22

If you're starting to feel like he's done you a favor could he somehow of picked up on this and so professes confusion to keep you dangling?

Bones2017 Tue 11-Apr-17 07:44:51

I don't know what I want. He's done so much damage. I don't know if I could ever forgive him or trust him again. He's made me feel so ugly and worthless.
And I'm still not sure he appreciates what he's done to me. At the moment it seems to be how he's feeling.

Joysmum Tue 11-Apr-17 07:46:28

...sorry, pressed post too soon blush

Ultimately this isn't able what HE wants, it's up to you to decide what you want (and most importantly, why?) without taking him into consideration.

Once you know your own mind without him distracting you, take it from there.

Joysmum Tue 11-Apr-17 07:47:02

X posted. You're right!

shockshockhorror Tue 11-Apr-17 07:49:42

How long has it been op?

Similar situation here, it's been 4 months and lots of counselling and we're only just getting there.

It's so hard with young children because it muddies the water so you can't see what you want, you're so busy worrying about everyone else. You need space, and time. Only talk about the children and nothing else. I started to miss my husband, and I could see all the changes he had made. That's what helped us, but it may well be different for you.

Good luck, it's such a difficult time.

IsNotGold Tue 11-Apr-17 07:52:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsNotGold Tue 11-Apr-17 07:52:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bones2017 Tue 11-Apr-17 07:54:23

He left early December. Blamed me completely. I found his phone bills early march. Then I knew what had really happened. I filed for divorce 2 days later. He now says he's felt like this for 4 weeks. Crying and confused all the time. Not sure if he's made a mistake and should've stayed.

But I feel like I've come a long way since he's done what he's done. I've kept my dignity and made all the right choices for the kids.

He's adamant he's not had an affair. But he may have a different idea of what an affair is. His bills were crazy. And since last summer.

Maybe now it's dawning on him. But I just don't know if I could get over what he's done.

JohnnyMarr Tue 11-Apr-17 08:01:20

Bones I would reiterate OhBliss's advice to be very wary.

Maybe your H has genuinely realised how much he loves you and what an awful mistake he's made or maybe OW has decided to stay with her husband after all and he just doesn't want to be alone.

I'm speaking from bitter experience. STBXH left (completely out of the blue) for 6 months, came back for a year and has now left for good and is cohabiting with OW. In hindsight I believe they have had an on again / off again relationship going back at least two years, and STBXH was merely hedging his bets with me whilst he saw how things were going to pan out with her. She split with her H, he was off like a shot.

I really hope things work out for you and your girls but please think carefully.

IsNotGold Tue 11-Apr-17 08:02:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shockshockhorror Tue 11-Apr-17 08:08:41

notgold same with my husband. He kept saying "this wasn't me, I'm just not like this. I know how it looks, but that's just not me". He gets it now, if he didn't I wouldn't be trying again with him.

Bones2017 Tue 11-Apr-17 08:19:03

I do believe he's struggling with himself at the moment. He seems to have been like this since I told him I'd seen his phone bills. He rang me crying after he was served with the divorce papers.

Thing is though, he has to be able to admit to himself what's happened between them before he can make sense of it. He clearly didn't love me. How could he whilst getting so close to her?? If struggle with that because I'd always wonder if she was back on the scene. Don't know if I could cope.

Joysmum Tue 11-Apr-17 08:20:40

Ultimately he's invested in another relationship to the detriment of his marriage.

It's no good him just being 'confused' and that's not the same as fully understanding what he did was wrong, the effect it had and that he is mortified and desperate to do whatever it takes to try to make the marriage workable and then strong again.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: