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BF's had a personality transplant. Thoughts please ...

(122 Posts)
AllTorque Mon 10-Apr-17 16:35:08

My partner of 12 months seems to have undergone a total personality transplant. I’ve known him for about 25 years, and he’s always been a lovely man. As a bit of background, he’s had two long term relationships of 10+ years, and I was married for 11 years.

When we got together, he was fun, open, engaging, talkative, great company, loved spending time with me. I moved in to his house after three or four months of us being together (we’re in our mid and late 40s) and for the next few months, everything was fantastic. We were both happy with each other’s company. We couldn’t get enough of each other. Loads of spontaneous amazing sex, morning noon and night, him giving hugs and kisses spontaneously, cute little texts every day saying he loved me, etc. We share some of the same hobbies and interests, and there’s other stuff we enjoyed doing together also, too much to list.

However, since about October he’s been withdrawn, almost non-communicative, like different person altogether. This seemed to literally happen overnight. I’ve no idea why. I have asked, repeatedly. He never spontaneously hugs or kisses me (never a “proper” kiss), there’s no texts and not much conversation in the evenings. I get a kiss when he leaves for work in the mornings (he leaves at 6 am), and when he gets in in the evening, there’s no friendly hello or hugs or even a peck on the check. For example, he came in today just before 3 o’clock, he knows that I'm in the house because my car is outside, but hasn’t come to see me to say hello. I know he’ll be sitting on the couch scrolling endlessly on his phone and will just grunt at me when I go to say hello and moan about having a shit day. He never asks about my day. I try to make allowances as he’s on his feet all day, and he’s outdoors in all weathers. I do wonder if there’s a bit of seasonal affective disorder going on, but he doesn’t seem any happier now the season’s changing.

It’s like he’s flicked the emotional off switch. As an example, I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times we’ve made love since Christmas. If I instigate it, he’ll make an excuse about having a bad back or a sore hip and then leg it out of the bedroom (I’ve noted that this pain never stops him going off for entire days on his mountain bike with his friends though). When it does happen it’s usually it’s a five minute (and that’s a generous estimate) episode with minimal effort on his part, no foreplay, he stops when he feels like it and there’s no cuddles after. To be honest, I'm getting a bit fed up with being the one making all the effort. I end up feeling like a sex pest if I try and show him any affection. I did notice him checking out my boobs yesterday though when I was wearing a low cut top.

There’s absolutely zero effort made on his part to show me that he still cares. We recently had a couple of holidays together, and whilst things were OK, I found it really difficult to spend hours sat together in silence. I made all the effort at conversation but he just seemed like he was miles away.

I’ve asked him on numerous occasions what’s wrong, I tell him if something’s bothering him, just to let me know. He says there’s nothing wrong, he “loves me to bits” and that “it’s just what he does” and that he withdraws “into himself, sometimes for weeks at a time”. I’ve pointed out that it’s been months now and that if he did care, he’d make the effort to show it, and that it’s only reasonable for me to assume that he doesn’t want me any more if he doesn’t tell me or show me, He says that’s he’s upset about a friend of his dying in January this year. He’d known him for a long time, but while they were good friends, they didn’t seem particularly close. I think it’s a bit strange that he’s using this as an excuse when he’s so unemotional where I'm concerned. I’ve asked if there’s anyone else and he says no. He’s not a liar and I believe him.

I’ve noticed that he’s also drinking more than is good for him at the moment. On a couple of occasions when we’ve been out, when we got home, he’s turned on me – verbally, he’d never dream of laying so much as a finger on me - saying things like I can't wait to move out or go back to my husband (no chance of that happening, ever). He was apologetic in the morning on both occasions and said he doesn’t want to lose me and wants us to spend the rest of our lives together.

I just don’t know what to do. I feel awkward about telling him I love him as he never says it or even demonstrates it to me any more. Actions do speak louder than words, don’t they?

I suspect that he’s depressed or bipolar. He’s mentioned having depression in the past.

We live in his house, which is in joint names with his ex (who never contributed to the mortgage despite emotionally blackmailing him into buying). She moved out over three years ago but there’s still tons of her things here (mostly clothes and, frankly, junk, but he says it’s not his stuff to throw away) and he either won't or can't deal with sorting out the title to the house or getting her to collect her stuff. This means that there's no room for my things, which are still at my old house. I’ve been told by reliable sources (without my asking them) that she was a manipulative cow, but I suppose that’s another story. It’s a shithole, everything needs doing to it – windows, electric, plumbing, new kitchen, new bathroom etc.. There’s no stair carpet and the inside wall of the gable end is mouldy in patches. I’ve never lived anywhere like this in my life. I'm the only one who ever tidies up.

I’ve gone so far as to pack all my clothes, they're in bags in the wardrobe. He knows this but hasn’t commented.

I suppose I'm just rambling but I'm looking for objective thoughts on this. Anyone?

notanurse2017 Mon 10-Apr-17 16:38:16

I'm sorry, i think he's just not that into you. He saw you as a stopgap. I'd leave now if i were you.

Beachturtle Mon 10-Apr-17 16:43:20

I'd leave him. Sorry. Sounds like he's regretting getting together with you but scared of being on his own. All the stuff with his exW makes it sound like he hasn't moved on. If you move out you'll get some perspective and probably find you enjoy your own company more than being in a house with him, he sounds awful.

AllTorque Mon 10-Apr-17 16:44:47

notanurse - I've previously packed my things and said I'll leave, a couple of weeks ago, but he says he wants me to stay. I'm confused. He says he wants me to stay but emotionally, everything's a one-way street.

kittybiscuits Mon 10-Apr-17 16:44:50

I don't think it really matters what is wrong with him. His treatment of you isn't okay and he isn't confiding in you about what's wrong. I would take comments about his ex with a pinch of salt. You need to think about yourself because he isn't. You have given him ample opportunity to talk. I would make plans to move out because this is no way to live.

Booboo27 Mon 10-Apr-17 16:45:12

I'm not wanting to upset or worry you but could he possibly be having an affair? When my ex was cheating on me he became very distant and was permanently glued to his phone. He would also avoid sex with me and just seemed to have nothing to say to me anymore.
If you don't think that's the problem then could he be clinically depressed? Does he hate his job? Does he have financial problems perhaps? Do you think he's still attracted to you?
I think also people can sometimes just get stuck in a bit of a rut where life seems really routine and dull. Maybe he's feeling that way and is taking things out on you instead of trying to make his life better.
Hope you're ok as I've been in a similar situation and it was very shit!

Zaphodsotherhead Mon 10-Apr-17 16:46:05

This 'might be what he does' but that doesn't mean you have to like it. And, for such a great guy, he doesn't sound like he does much about the place, no DIY for example, or packing up his ex's crap.

So maybe he pulled out all the stops and now finds that he can't cope with a full time relationship - that it's just too much effort being 'nice guy' all the time. And what is it with having his ex's stuff still hanging around the place - most men would have had it on a bonfire by the time she'd got to the end of the drive! So he's either bone idle and fed up with putting in the work, or he's found someone else (and we all think they don't lie. They do, trust me).

Booboo27 Mon 10-Apr-17 16:46:44

Also - if he isn't willing to make any effort to change then will you be happy living in this situation for the rest of your days? It'll send you insane!
There could be someone else out there for you who will make you feel a million dollars and give you the love and care you deserve!

PamDooveOrangeJoof Mon 10-Apr-17 16:47:33

I would be moving on. I couldn't live with someone who 'withdraws into himself' regardless of if that's 'why he does'. What a crock!
And the rest of it sounds shit.
Lots of red flags waving all over the place.

Hellofromme Mon 10-Apr-17 16:47:40

The honeymoon period is over and this is reality. Maybe you moved in together too quickly. Whatever, he is not acting as if he wants to be with you. I think you should continue packing your bags and move on.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Mon 10-Apr-17 16:49:01

Posted too soon. It sounds like the beginning him was the act and it was hard for him to keep up 24/7. This is the real him. You deserve better.

Redyellowpinkblue Mon 10-Apr-17 16:51:45

I'd leave. It shouldn't be that bad just 12 months in.
Onwards and upwards OP, I think its clear he isn't the one for you, not even saying hello when coming in the door is just awful yet it's the tip of the iceberg. You sound lovely and reasonable and deserve a lot better.

Booboo27 Mon 10-Apr-17 16:53:06

Never let anyone make you feel like a burden!

AllllGooone Mon 10-Apr-17 16:53:53

Just sounds like th spark has worn off for him and he's over trying. Fairly shitty imho, I'd be ltb

amusedbush Mon 10-Apr-17 16:57:35

Honestly, I think he does want you to go but he doesn't want to feel like the bad guy. He'll put up a halfhearted fight but when you leave, it'll be your decision so he doesn't have to feel bad.

It's typical and shitty behaviour.

Stormtreader Mon 10-Apr-17 17:07:27

Youve been through the honeymoon 6 months of wooing, dating, moving in excitement and now its all worn off and he thinks he doesnt have to try any more.
If you still have your house then I would move out back to it. Having you not present all the time might buck his ideas up or might not, but you'll have more of an idea of how much you matter to him.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 10-Apr-17 17:09:59

Just leave.
He's bringing nothing to the table now.
Hasn't done for months.
Stop over analysing.
He's not that into you anymore.
There may be someone else but who knows and who cares.
Leave and find someone who makes you happy.
This guy doesn't anymore.

WannaBe Mon 10-Apr-17 17:16:28

Well you've asked and he doesn't want to tell you so I would just say to him that it's over because he clearly doesn't love you any more and move out. Go and do it now.

After a year it shouldn't be that hard.

AllTorque Mon 10-Apr-17 17:17:28

I'm not saying that I'm perfect, and I know things like saying hello when you get in from work are only little things, but it feels like like he's never pleased to see me. Ever. I went away for the weekend recently, he never asked what time I'd be home.

I bought him some duty free stuff back. He didn't even make eye contact when I got back and just said thanks and pecked me on the cheek. And that was it as far as conversation went that evening.

I did write him a letter telling him how I feel about him and how his behaviour makes me feel but he wouldn't read it and we just ended up arguing when I told him what it said.

I'm close to tears all the time. I did have a coil fitted a few months ago and am wondering if that's not helping the way I'm thinking and feeling. I'm getting it taken out in a couple of weeks as it's not serving it's purpose anyway! sad

AllllGooone Mon 10-Apr-17 17:20:32

I assume you want to stay with him? I don't really get why though. The "old him" won't come back- this is the real him. The mask has slipped, he's not fussed about whether you're there or not, and this is his personality.

Sorry to be harsh, strong chance I'm projecting as it was my ex to a t.

Tootsiepops Mon 10-Apr-17 17:26:38

Why are you letting someone treat you this way?

rumred Mon 10-Apr-17 17:27:05

That all sounds horrible and really not good for you.
It's what he does not what he says that tells you how he feels. He's not walking the talk.
For whatever reason he's lost interest in the relationship. If I was you I'd be planning to move as soon as possible.
Good luck op

category12 Mon 10-Apr-17 17:31:02

Get those bags and go. There's nothing there for you.

Sweets101 Mon 10-Apr-17 17:47:42

Get those bags and go. There's nothing there for you.

Sorry but i agree

SaltySeaDog72 Mon 10-Apr-17 17:57:13

There's been no personality transplant, don't be confused. This is who he is.

Not saying hello to you when he comes in is a massively big deal Would he even notice if you packed your bags?

I hope you still have a property to go back to. Because you should go back there ASAP and chalk this one up to experience.

Sounds like a lovely 4 month fling but nothing to save here.

I think you could do some work on your relationship boundaries. His house gave you a few clues. Loads needing doing and a house full of exW's stuff that he doesn't want to get rid of


He isn't worth your tears... tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of your life. Get out there and grab it and leave this guy behind.

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