Hi everyone, I think I might get flamed for this but my head is in such a bad space I really need to vent somewhere.
I have been with a wonderful man for just over nine years. We have been married for 3. From the beginning there have been sexual problems in our relationship – I have a much higher drive than he does, his is practically non existent, but I thought I could live with this because I love him so much. I was young, and idealistic. I was 19.
We have never argued about anything other than sex. Everything else is…a perfect match. Genuinely. The bad times have been very bad, I find it very hard to only have sex twice or three times a year, but I love him and wanted to be able to give up that part of me for him. After years of begging, arguing and cajoling he went to the doctors and had been on testosterone replacement. This hasn’t made any difference.
Over the years I have felt undesirable, unattractive and have missed being wanted. I have never, however, felt unloved. This is important.
Anyway, about 18 month ago a guy moved into my team at work. We immediately clicked. There has never been anything sexual between us until this weekend. We have just been the very best of friends. My husband had no problem with this.
So on Saturday, myself and my husband had, not argued exactly, but been a bit off with each other regarding the sex issue. I said I would go nip to my friend’s place to give us some space. (this is not unusual, we are youngish, childfree and me and this guy often have a drink/go out to eat/ spend an evening together.)
He lives in a shared house with a large bedroom that can fit in a sofa and a bed. We had a nice evening, couple of drinks, watched a bit of telly, then he went to bed, and I bedded down on the sofa in his room. I was so upset I could not stop crying. My friendship with this guy has always been tactile, it’s the sort of person I am with everyone. So in my infinite wisdom, I hopped onto the bed with him for a hug. We both lay there for a while, he was stroking my hair to comfort me, when…wow, attraction. I stopped the whole thing before we had full sex (we didn’t have a condom, but I’m 99% sure that I would have stopped things anyway). I did not stop things immediately. There was a fair amount of…groping etc etc. We then went to sleep in the same bed for the rest of the night. I came home yesterday and confessed everything.
My husband wants to forgive me, but I think he’s kidding himself things can be “fixed”. He would forgive me because he loves me so much. Sex has been withheld for so long, it was just incredible to be wanted. I am not justifying my actions, just trying to explain and make sense of them. There is no excuse for what I have done, none at all.
I don’t know what to do for the best. I know this is my own doing. And with the very worst person I could have done it with. I need some perspective. And if you've managed to read all this - thank you so much.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I have done something terrible.
Zubrowka · 10/04/2017 15:45
I was in your position too, I thought I could make do and forget about sex. In the end I ended up having an affair, for nothing but the sex, but it turned into more and I left him. It was easier for me maybe because my ExDH was an arse. I married the man I had an affair with and our sex life is fantastic (at least 5 times a week if he's not too tired out 
).
You are young and in a position where you need to consider your future. Can you see yourself carrying on with your life like this? Will you husband trust you not to do this again when temptation comes your way? Or can he live with the fact that you have an open relationship? For me the sex I had when I had my affair turned into much more and I fell in love.
I'm sorry I don't think that I have provided much advice at all. All I can offer is hugs xx
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Sounds like you have reached breaking point with being able to deny your own needs in order to keep the relationship going.
The compromise, until now, seems to have been all on your side.
IMO, this is an untenable situation. It's already breaking down. You don't want to treat your partner badly, but you cannot continue like this.
Has your partner ever spoken about how he feels about how you have to live? He must know this is not normal! Has he offered to set you free in light of this? You can, of course, set yourself free, you know.
You will resent him more as the years go on. It's starting already. He will resent you if you have affairs or one nightstands. It's an either/or situation.
If you want children later on, it may be difficult to get pregnant with such infrequent sex. Will children be something else you need to give up on?
This is breaking your spirit. Your partner is not wrong for not having a sex drive. But you both must realise this situation needs to end.
You know what you have to do.
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