Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I have done something terrible.(126 Posts)
Hi everyone, I think I might get flamed for this but my head is in such a bad space I really need to vent somewhere.
I have been with a wonderful man for just over nine years. We have been married for 3. From the beginning there have been sexual problems in our relationship – I have a much higher drive than he does, his is practically non existent, but I thought I could live with this because I love him so much. I was young, and idealistic. I was 19.
We have never argued about anything other than sex. Everything else is…a perfect match. Genuinely. The bad times have been very bad, I find it very hard to only have sex twice or three times a year, but I love him and wanted to be able to give up that part of me for him. After years of begging, arguing and cajoling he went to the doctors and had been on testosterone replacement. This hasn’t made any difference.
Over the years I have felt undesirable, unattractive and have missed being wanted. I have never, however, felt unloved. This is important.
Anyway, about 18 month ago a guy moved into my team at work. We immediately clicked. There has never been anything sexual between us until this weekend. We have just been the very best of friends. My husband had no problem with this.
So on Saturday, myself and my husband had, not argued exactly, but been a bit off with each other regarding the sex issue. I said I would go nip to my friend’s place to give us some space. (this is not unusual, we are youngish, childfree and me and this guy often have a drink/go out to eat/ spend an evening together.)
He lives in a shared house with a large bedroom that can fit in a sofa and a bed. We had a nice evening, couple of drinks, watched a bit of telly, then he went to bed, and I bedded down on the sofa in his room. I was so upset I could not stop crying. My friendship with this guy has always been tactile, it’s the sort of person I am with everyone. So in my infinite wisdom, I hopped onto the bed with him for a hug. We both lay there for a while, he was stroking my hair to comfort me, when…wow, attraction. I stopped the whole thing before we had full sex (we didn’t have a condom, but I’m 99% sure that I would have stopped things anyway). I did not stop things immediately. There was a fair amount of…groping etc etc. We then went to sleep in the same bed for the rest of the night. I came home yesterday and confessed everything.
My husband wants to forgive me, but I think he’s kidding himself things can be “fixed”. He would forgive me because he loves me so much. Sex has been withheld for so long, it was just incredible to be wanted. I am not justifying my actions, just trying to explain and make sense of them. There is no excuse for what I have done, none at all.
I don’t know what to do for the best. I know this is my own doing. And with the very worst person I could have done it with. I need some perspective. And if you've managed to read all this - thank you so much.
You are 28 years old and have been having sex less than three times a year for many years?
This wouldnt be the relationship for me...
It sounds like despite many good qualities, your husband doesn't make you happy and your indiscretion aside you'd be better off leaving him anyway.
Or, an open marriage if he's happy with everything else and just doesn't want sex but doesn't mind you getting some?
Has he put any conditions on "fixing it"? Breaking off the friendship with your colleague?
You poor thing
I really don't think, given your age, you are expected to have sexless relationships.
Can you go to counselling together, even if it's with a view to...well...splitting up?
You're not terrible. You're human.
Sex three times a year in your twenties? Been there, left him. It's soul destroying.
Look you've confessed, you've been totally honest, you don't have DC. Are you sure you want to 'fix' this?
What is the actual point ?
Split amicably. You cannot live like this for the rest of your life.
Fucking hell. Just imagine it was a man posting this.
'My wife doesn't put out enough, so I went round my friend's house and got a BJ. Please tell my my wife is a bastard'.
Mumsnet double standards at their very best.
Sex is a big part of a relationship. That's not to say you have to be shagging like bunnies but both parties should be roughly compatible in terms of sexual appetite, allowing for occasional peaks and troughs. Saying everything is great in your relationship except for sex is like saying your car is fantastic other than the fact it breaks down every day.
You seem to think you should settle for a relationship that only gives you (for talking sake) 70% satisfaction and fulfillment. Bollox! We only have one life. Either find a way to fix it or get out and find someone who will give you 100% of what you need. You have too many years ahead of you to settle for mediocrity.
Nope, I've said the same thing to men who've been in sexless marriages for years.
Op, listen to us older ladies (apologies everyone) you can't live your life like this...
Sorry but what you did was awful, I get that your husband won't have sex with you but shacking up like this for a night with another man is just, well, pointless, you already know you can't spend the rest of your life in a sexless relationship and you should not have to.
I also hate the double standards on here, a cheat is a cheat, never an excuse, no matter; deal with the problem, don't compound it by adding more shit on top.
OP I was in exactly the same position as you 5 years ago. My DP never EVER wanted sex. Once a year if that. And he wild bot communicate with me at all. I cheated on him in the end- I very fooloshly allowed myself to be drawn in to a flirtation ans eventually spent the night with the office 'player'. DP never found out and to my shame I never told him.
We bumped along for another year but after that everything else started to slide. The lack of sex just created an irrevocable void between us and I began to notice all the other problems and strange things that I hadn't before. (Not saying thats the case for you, just when we first met I was so I'm love with him I put up with a lot that I shouldn't have) And in the end, at 23 years old, I realised that couldn't be 'it' for me.
No advice really, just sympathy. I know how heartbreaking it is to not be wanted by the person you've chosen to spend your life with. Don't be too harsh on yourself for cheating. You did it for the closeness, affection and desire you've been craving, not for the sex itself.
You need to work out if you really want to continue in a sexless relationship. 28 is very very young.
Mumsnet double standards at their very best.
Not true. I've seen plenty of threads posted my men in this same situation. And the advice has been the same.
If one partner unilaterally decides to withdraw sex and, crucially, won't discuss it, expecting the rejected partner to like it or lump it, the responses are always that the rejecting partner is being unreasonable.
I was in your position too, I thought I could make do and forget about sex. In the end I ended up having an affair, for nothing but the sex, but it turned into more and I left him. It was easier for me maybe because my ExDH was an arse. I married the man I had an affair with and our sex life is fantastic (at least 5 times a week if he's not too tired out ).
You are young and in a position where you need to consider your future. Can you see yourself carrying on with your life like this? Will you husband trust you not to do this again when temptation comes your way? Or can he live with the fact that you have an open relationship? For me the sex I had when I had my affair turned into much more and I fell in love.
I'm sorry I don't think that I have provided much advice at all. All I can offer is hugs xx
His hands and mouth aren't broken though, even if he has ED - what's stopping him being intimate with and satisfying you in other ways? Does he reject you if you stimulate him or just ignore the situation as if nothing's wrong? I completely understand, am in a similar situation...but you are young enough to ask him to go to couples/sex counselling with you. Does he get a morning erection? He can't ignore this now, he has to step up and admit it is a problem for both of you, not just you and needs effort from both of you to resolve - or he will lose you.
do you understand that 1000s of different posters post here? Who exactly are you accusing of having double standards?
'Fraid what I have found on here is, excuses made for women who are in shit relationships yet for men, nobody seems bothered about how shit their relationship is and they are condemned without question; I'm sorry but I've seen it a lot on here.
Who does it? It's not double standards if it's different posters, is it?
It's messy, if you are in an unsatisfactory relationship then you end that one before you start another one. You are never going to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with your dh, lovely though he may be. Do the right thing and let him go, then you can both be happy.
You can't live like that, and yes, I'd say the same to a man posting. There is nothing here to fix.
I would be very interested to hear your husband's real opinion on this.
It seems to me that you have been behaving in ways that might have given him pause. You've argued with your DH and told him you are going round to your male friend's. You hardly have sex and your DH knows this really upsets you.
Women who are unhappy about little sex are not usually 'the very best of friends' with a man, and stay overnight with them, with their DHs approval. Does your DH ever go out socially with you, with this man?
And I'd say that if you were a man and he were a woman
I have no idea about open relationships - that might be something for the two of you. but it's not working as it, is it?
You need to find out what 'fixing it' means for your DH, and then be the bigger person if he's deluding himself that you can just go back to where you were. If you really do love him, then don't let him do that
If you're unsatisfied, leave him. Don't cheat on him FFS.
OP, not condoning what you did but I went through something very similar. My Ex rarely wanted sex, although a bit more than yours. No medical issues or anything, just didn't get the urge.
I was drawn into texting an ex and things got heated. I didn't cheat but I seriously considered it. That was the ending for us. I realised that I would never be fully happy.
End your relationship, mismatched sex drives of that significance can never meet a compromise.
Yes. People always talk as if individual posters have contradictory views. But different posters post different things
Sounds like you have reached breaking point with being able to deny your own needs in order to keep the relationship going.
The compromise, until now, seems to have been all on your side.
IMO, this is an untenable situation. It's already breaking down. You don't want to treat your partner badly, but you cannot continue like this.
Has your partner ever spoken about how he feels about how you have to live? He must know this is not normal! Has he offered to set you free in light of this? You can, of course, set yourself free, you know.
You will resent him more as the years go on. It's starting already. He will resent you if you have affairs or one nightstands. It's an either/or situation.
If you want children later on, it may be difficult to get pregnant with such infrequent sex. Will children be something else you need to give up on?
This is breaking your spirit. Your partner is not wrong for not having a sex drive. But you both must realise this situation needs to end.
You know what you have to do.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.