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I want to leave DH but I terrified I won't survive

(6 Posts)
ReadyToGetOut Mon 10-Apr-17 11:40:00

I've decided I want to end my relationship with DH (various problems been going on for a while, but it's not a DV/abuse issue). However I'm terrified and don't know where I stand legally with anything! I don't know where I will stand with housing and money. I'm concerned I won't be able to survive as I've become so financially dependent on him.

We have 1 DS together who's currently 4 yrs old. He's in preschool 16hrs a week. He starts in reception at the local primary school this Sept.

Since having my DS I gave up work and became a SAHM. This was a joint decision made purely because we weren't entitled to any childcare help and me returning to work would have cost us money rather than helping us. I have NO personal income right now (apart from monthly child benefit).

We have a joint bank account that is currently nearly £2k overdrawn. I have my own bank account too, which we just use for putting away savings. But there's currently nothing in it. We have debts - a debt consolidation loan in his name, two catalogue accounts in my name, a credit card in his name.

We rent privately. I am not named as an official tenant, just a 'permitted occupant'. Because I don't work the letting agent wouldn't allow me to be a joint tenant. We had to take this house as we were being evicted from our previous rented property (just because landlord wanted to sell up, we weren't bad tenants!) and time was running out in finding another suitable home to rent.

My name is solely on some household bills and I am jointly named on other bills. Some are just in his name.

My DH runs his own business with a partner. I am a 25% shareholder in this business (along with DH, his partner and his partners wife). I don't work for the business and take no earnings, but do get dividends which go into our joint account.

I drive but haven't had a car for a couple of years now (we can't afford it, had to sell my car). However, his vehicle is in my name as the registered keeper, but it's also in the business name, so it belongs to me AND the business.

I moved 200 miles away to be with him 6 years ago (we've been together 8 yrs in total, and married nearly 2 yrs). I have no family and no support network where we currently live. My family are not very close knit and wouldn't help me out anyway, even if I still lived there. DH's family are a big close family who look out for each other, all live close by etc.

My DH loves DS, DS loves his dad. He's a good dad so I don't want to take DS away from him and move back to where I came from either.

How do I do this? How do I leave? I'm worried that having no income, debts and no rights to our home will mean I have to stay with him. But I can't take it any more, there's no love left...

misscph1973 Mon 10-Apr-17 15:02:06

Hi OP, didn't want to read and run, I am sorry for you, but I am also pleased for you that you have made the decision. I am in a similar situation.

I am not sure how this is done. I am personally going to sit my DH down and say we are done, because, as in your situation, there is no love left. I have decided to not tell him how selfish he is, how drained I am, how I am no longer taking his shit, because it doesn't matter whose fault it is. What matters is that it is over. I think you should start as you mean to go on, and that should be calmly telling him it's over and that you need to work together to do what's best for your DS. You should get child maintenance (is that what it's called?) and spousal maintenance.

I have no idea what is going to happen after that. We also rent, but he travel a lot with work (his own company), so I am simply going to suggest that he travels some more in a transition period (he likes travelling with work, he is currently away for 2 weeks). I am not sure if he will agree. But I am not leaving the house, I understand that is the golden rule, do not leave the family home.

Can the above inspire you?

With the financials, could you talk to the company accountant? Ie. confidentially. I am not sure it is the right thing to do, but perhaps it's a start? I know it would be best to get legal advice, but it's expensive.

I am in charge of our finances, and like you, we don't really have savings, but som debt and overdrafts. So there is not much I can take out of our accounts. I am lucky that I work full time and am financially independent (although we do not separate our money).

Have you contacted your local Citizen Advice Bureau? I think I will contact mine to see if they can advice.

You will survive.

Naicehamshop Mon 10-Apr-17 15:07:45

First thing you need to do is find out where you stand financially and legally - contact the Citizens Advice Bureau asap.

Good luck - you don't have to stay in a relationship that isn't making you happy. flowers

isitjustme2017 Mon 10-Apr-17 15:24:15

You can get a free consultation with a solicitor so get one booked in ASAP. Obviously if you don't own your home or have any savings, you have no assets. At least the car is in your name so you can take that when you leave.
I have no idea how housing will work for you when you don't work. Private rentals obviously require credit checks and work references. Citizens advice should be able to help you with this. It may be a case
of contacting the council for council accommodation or find a private rental that accepts housing benefit.
I hope you get things sorted.

springydaffs Mon 10-Apr-17 17:00:39

Speak to Shelter about accommodation options - they are the experts (ribby just deal with the homeless).

Yes to free half hour with a family lawyer

springydaffs Mon 10-Apr-17 17:01:20

Ribby?? Don't!

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