For balance, he's great 70% of the time: texts me every day to say I love you, buys flowers and thoughtful gifts, is supportive, is brilliant in a crisis, we laugh a lot, like the same things, enjoy going away together, days out, etc.
No children by mutual choice and we've been together 20 years.
I'll try to be as brief as I can without drip feeding!
He's fussy and obsessive. He places huge importance on 'things' - furniture, decor, clothes, etc. If something gets knocked, he inspects it, often with a torch if he can't see any damage with his naked eye. Then he'll quiz me: do I think it's damaged? Do I think it's stained? Do I think it's ok? That's if he has had the accident. If it's me who has done something, he goes on and on and on at me or he'll lecture me about it about the correct way to do the task to ensure no accident.
He can't stand losing things and will spend hours and hours systematically taking the house apart looking for something he has lost. He once emptied all the outside bins and checked every single piece of rubbish, including rotting food, looking for a hair comb that had cost £4.
He always blames me for anything that gets misplaced. Likewise, he always blames me if anything is damaged, even natural wear and tear.
He is very untidy and I am fairly tidy. He has clothes and shoes on all three bedroom floors. Despite this, I have found several items of mine seemingly thrown or kicked around. E.g. a pair of my shoes that I had left stood upright by the bed were both on their sides and in the middle of the floor, as if they had been kicked. He denied he had kicked them and when I pressed him, he said he had merely picked them up and moved them because they were in the way.
We share a car. If I've last driven it, he always sighs loudly when he gets in and needs to adjust the seat. Likewise, he sighs loudly when the car stereo comes on and it's on one of my music albums.
If we fall out, he refuses to discuss it. He acts huffy, gives me the silent treatment for a few hours, or pretends nothing has happened. If I try to discuss anything, he always denies he was in any way in the wrong, or he minimises what happened, or he shuts me down as fast as possible.
He is generally bad mannered and acts irritable with me. He can't stand saying please or thank you to me. If I say something and he hasn't heard me, he will sigh and say 'What' in this bored tone. He demands information from me, rather than asking nicely. E.g. 'where is the car key?' in an impatient snappy voice.
He leaves dirty pots out on the counter where I prep food, so they're in my way and I have to move them in order to make a meal - when when I've emptied the dishwasher so he could put them directly in there instead. He denies doing this specifically to annoy me, but he continues to do it, even though I've asked him not to many times over many years.
He can't stand me asking things of him. For example, if he's gardening and I ask him to cut back a branch while he's got the tools on the go, he'll tut, sigh and get irritable and say he hasn't got time.
I once asked what time he would be ready when we were going out somewhere, and he snapped 'Why?' And 'you're pressuring me'.
If he's taking the dog for a walk on his own and I'm staying in the house, maybe because I'm feeling rough or am staying in to cook dinner, he refuses to say 'bye' to me - he just walks out of the house. But he always says goodbye if he's going to work or out with friends, etc. Likewise, if it's his turn to take the dog in the garden for a wee, he leaves the door wide open next to where I'm sitting so I get cold while he's outside, rather than pushing the door to.
There are millions more examples, but I'm trying to keep this from getting too long! Generally, I get this underlying sense of power games and control from him, but because his MO is to deny, deny, deny, or to minimise anything I bring up, or to refuse to discuss anything with me, I have no idea.
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Relationships
What do you think about my husband's behaviour? I need outside perspectives
162 replies
MaxwellAndPeterson · 10/04/2017 10:04
OP posts:
ClemDanfango ·
10/04/2017 10:51
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
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