Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Can someone just tell me ive done the right thing, im having a wobble(23 Posts)
I have recently left a relationship I have been in for 5+ years due mostly to his irresponsibility with money and also his increasing emotional A. basically he drinks from a Thursday to a Sunday – mostly few after work on a Thursday then more at home, Friday same, Saturday same and Sunday same. If he doesn’t have the cash for the pub he has wine at home. He earns a steady wage but cannot save a penny of it, buying clothes, gadgets stuff off ebay etc. I constantly worry about having money to pay bills and I like to save so that if something goes wrong I have a small cushion to help me until the next pay day. For years I tried to excuse it by saying people are different etc and have different approaches but something happened to change my mind about that.
I cant give too many details as they may be identifying but I have one son whom he is not the father of and he also has one child only who is presently having some financial difficulties. His child is a student working a part-time during term time. I took some of my savings and gave these to his son to help out. It was not a huge sum, less than £100 but money that I had saved myself. He did not contribute to this whatsoever as he said he was broke- which I knew would happen - but headed off out anyway to meet friends. He barely lifted a hand to do anything at home, would never buy myself or my ds anything apart from the odd bar of chocolate for ds whom he has known since he was a year old. He then stopped contributing for household bills like groceries etc, would pay his half of the rent and electricity but that would be it.
He recently moved out of our rented accommodation (which he deemed as a favour to me so that my ds did not have to leave his home). I initially agreed to let him store some of his belongings in the garage but since he moved out I have found that some of the conversations he has with me, ie when collecting post etc are very goading from him so I told him to move all of his things out and that he was not welcome in my home anymore. This has upset me greatly as Im not the sort of person to try to hrt someone else. He typically went into a rage and started calling me names etc etc, telling me that I was hateful and horrible etc. I stayed calm, told him to grow up and that it was his fault things were the way they were. I went out on Saturday night with a friend of mine and saw him standing with a group of “friends” at the bar having the time of his life. It has upset me greatly as I was very down about the failure of this relationship ad he seemly was not. I suppose I want someone to tell me that I have done the right thing and that he is not worth it – so difficult though after so many years together.
Definitely better off without him. He sounds like an arse.
yes I agree, im so angry with myself for being upset though. He is a selfish manchild with his own feelings coming before anyone else. I suppose Im just upset that he seemed to care so little. Out laughing and drinking like nothing has happened.
Good for you OP, morn the relationship you thought/wished you had because it was real to you and move on. Life's too short, you'll be far better off without him dragging you down.
He was out laughing & drinking as he's an alcoholic so his first course of action would be to drink, the easiest place is a pub then he finds people who inhabit the same sphere as him & he feels better.
You did the right thing, you are two very different people whose ways of living are not compatible, this includes money.
Chin up OP & onwards, feel sad by all means but don't feel so sad you get back with him as it sounds like you are better off out of it
You are upset because you finally have admitted that your hopes are dashed. It is the hopes for the relationship you are mourning. It will pass and quicker than you think.
thank you - Ive been so upset with myself wondering if I someone could have done more etc etc but honestly I just reached breaking point. i went off for an overnight stay with my sister one weekend and when i arrived back at 1.30pm on saturday afternoon he was still in bed sleeping off the excess from the night before. We had to cancel our plans to have an early evening dinner, ie 4.30pm as he was too hungover to go out.
He would constantly complaining that I was too lethargic (which I was as I was sleeping each night at 8pm) but I honestly think I was so depressed by it all that I couldnt cope. He also during one of the arguments tried to tell me that I had no friends of my own and that no other man would put up with me or my constant tiredness, snappy moods and depression!. Its really difficult when someone you love says these things to you as you automatically believe them so its really having to train myself out of it.
does the amount he drinks make him an alcoholic - sorry i rarely drink alcohol so i dont know and I come from a very strict background so no one in my family drinks.
What struck a chord with me was not the amount he drinks, its the regularity of it & including it as a necessary part of relaxation & fun. My ex H held down a good job whilst drinking every night of the week but the weekends were particularly bad, if it didn't include a drink then its wasn't worth doing.
But its not your problem any more for the sake of looking back I'd say he has a problem with alcohol yes, but happily you are not involved with it any more
Yes, im gland to be away from that midnight. I think I feel a bit low so its easy to blame myself and say I didnt try hard enough.
He could not have one outing without alcohol involved. We could never go to the cinema, to watch a show, a play anything like that as he didnt like it. All we ever did at weekends was go to the pub. He actually didnt even want to go for a meal unless he could bring alcohol with him!.
He has make so many derogatory remarks about me because I rarely drink. I used to - we would have had some fun nights out when we first met and I wouldhave had wine and gotten drunk etc but its not how I want to spend every weekend. nothing and I mean nothing comes before him and his needs, not even his child. It really brought it home to me when his own son was desperate for money and he told him he had nothing but he had been in a pub all day from 2pm to 9pm that night.
Woah you are better off out of it!!
He wanted you to join in with him as it would normalise his drinking. Unfortunately nothing would come before his addiction, not you or his son or anything.
Give yourself a couple of weeks & you will feel so much better!
I have been in a very similar situation and it has been very hard. It's been nearly a year for me and I've had lots of regrets and kept wanting to get back together but I know it wasn't right. I had given him ultimatums to sort things out but he didn't bother. I really didn't see what I should have another child in my house and someone lodging for free without contributing. Stay strong x
What angers me also is his complete refusal to accept that his behaviour was wrong. Its always someone else fault that he cant save, someone elses fault that he is broke all the time.
Do you know as stupid as it sounds I never thought of him as an alcoholic and he could go monday -wednesday without drinking.
Also, he has yet to ask to see my son whom he has known since he was a very small child and has lived with for years.
Even without the drinking, his behaviour was bad. You know that.
I'd be careful of labelling someone an alcoholic simply because they drink a lot. An alcoholic NEEDS drink and can't cope without it. There are many degrees of alcohol dependency before someone is a 'full' alcoholic. Getting into debt though because of drinking habits, affecting someone's plans and cancelling due to being hung over are not good signs.
You are well rid.
He sounds completely immature and very selfish and definitely NOT the sort of person you would not to be in a relationship with. You have done the right things and his horrible reactions only underline that. Well done!
He is totally immature. The fact that his own enjoyment and well being come before that of his own and only child speaks volumes.
I have a feeling he will be back in touch, most likely with an easter egg for my ds pretending that he cares for him but in all reality to try and worm his way back in with me. What should I say to him to put my point across. I would dearly love to say something that would hit home with him regarding his behaviour and also make me feel like I had could stand up to him a bit more. Normally when we would have an argument he would be horrible and I would be horrible back or I would have had a go at him about the way he behaved and he would be so nasty to me. I would like for once not to let his words impact me and have something good to say back to him to stop him in his tracks!!
He won't listen to anything you say. Even if you have the world's most devastating come back/put down, he'll just hear 'blah blah blame', because that is what he wants to hear. He NEEDS to make everyone else to blame for his behaviour because otherwise? Otherwise he has to face the fact that he's an alcohol-dependent spendthrift who cares about nobody but himself.
Save your words. You can just try the sympathetic smile though. The smile that says 'you've tried your worst but you haven't broken me, and I pity you, cos you're an idiot.'
exactly right Zaphod. You won't find the right words just the right attitude and tone of voice. Assertive, neutral, bored, repetitive and leading to a swift conclusion.
Right Ill try that - neutral/bored tone with the whole "ok" ...."ok".... until he stops, is that about right?
And if you can find a sitter, go to your local Al-Anon. They are for families of alcohol dependent people and others' stories will help you see that his relationship with alcohol is unhealthy and you have die the right thing for you and your son. Just because you're no longer with him doesn't mean they aren't relevant and will help balance your feelings about your decision.
thanks so much for all your help. I dont think I want to go down the road of visiting Al-Anon but thanks for the suggestion. I have booked a session in with a counsellor so hopefully that helps.
he has been drinking at a family event for most of the weekend from what I can see on fb (we have friends in common he is not on my fb) so I will be expecting contact from him soon no doubt.
Totally agree with Zaphod, don't think about him, think about yourself, prepare yourself so that you're in a position of strength when he comes back and don't let anything he might say hurt you. He might get angry and say nasty things but don't play into his game, don't engage in the fight, don't give him anything to hang on to. He might also try a nicer approach but don't be fooled - he won't change. You know what you're doing and why: you're doing what's right for you and your son and anything he says is irrelevant, just wasted time and air. Good luck!! xx
Join the discussion
Please login first.